gender not what i expected on scan-feeling strange

[spinamum]

I realise I deserve to be shouted at(I have asked my ante natal pals to do so)

But I need to share.
I am the lucky mum of a gorgeous almost three yr old boy. I'm 20wks pg.
Up until yesterday, i thought i was having a girl. I'm not. he's a healthy and very cute(say his face)little boy. I am very happy and in love with ds2-to-be.
However i also feel a bit confused,sad,deflated that i'm not having the daughter I imagined. I can't imagine two boys.(I grew up in a mixed family and feel richer for the experience)
I've already started to think about no 3(which dh and I had (jokingly?) disgussed prior to this scan to get a girl if beanie was a boy.

I feel awful. I feel I'm already planning my next one and this poor little thing hasn't even seen the light of day yet. (I have always wanted three kids BTW)
I feel so giuilty beacuse if they had told me beanie was a girl, I would be feeling differant now.
I feel like a totally awful person.

Someone out there please tell me that it is normal andnot the sign of total evilness to have a desire to have a little girl(or little boy )

I am sitting here in floods of tears,so excuse the spelling)

[spinamum]

will my beautiful boy pick up on this?

[Gobblunarcharsky]

Awww, pg hormones won't be helping. Tbh, this is why I never wanted to find out the sex of my babies before they were born. There is no disappointment when your baby arrives after a hard labour but I can imagine it's difficult in a scan situation.

I've got 3 boys and wouldn't change it for the world and when your ds2 arrives, neither would you.

[Spagblog]

Don't worry, I wanted the opposite of what the scans told me BOTH times!
As soon as you have your baby you don't care!

[MarvellouslyMilitantPeachy]

No, don't be feeling guilty! You're not evil at all.

I have three boys. We were certain ds1 was a girl; my Mum lost all her male preganancies and although it was a bad pg with ds1, we kinda figured, you know? But he was a boy and that was good, serious lack of boys in the family at that time.

DS2 came along.... another boy. Well, we always wanted four kids. Odds were next one....

DS3. I was desperate for a girl. both my sisters were pg and I figured one of us would have a girl, why not me? (as it happened, all boys LOL). I even bought a girls teddy bear. Then I ahd my triple test and it came back high risk downs- recommend amnio. Suddenly, I didn't care. I didn't have Amnio (my personal choice) as it was MY baby, I would cope with baby whatever. The scan that gave us an alomost certain all clear was also the one where we found he was a boy. I so did not care, LOL!

We planned to have 4 and all things being equal we would and yes a girl would be lovely. Undfortunately DS1 and possibly ds3 have a form of Sn that is partly genetic, so we don't know if we can take that risk or absorb that extra workload- although if it happened the baby would be regarded as a blessing. So I have my three boys, and they're fine. They share toys, yes, but personality wise they're all different- one is clingy, one confident, one aloof. One is arty, one is sociable, one is obsessed by jigsaws- so many differences.

What you're experiencing is normal, but it should pas. If it doesn't chat to your HV as there is a small chance it could be linked to PND.

wishing you well


XXXXXXXXXXXXXxx

[snowlenin]

spinamum, I haven't had the same situation but I did have similar feelings when my first was born, he ia a boy and I had been sure he was a girl. I loved him but i have to say it took me a few days to come round to the idea and to really bond with him and I felt absolutely terrible about it. I also know if I have a second I will also have to struggle not to wish for a girl, which is silly because I am now so thrilled with having a boy and two boys would be lovely. I think it's partly growing up on a family of girls and the fact that DP would like a girl - i just sort of assumed I would have one.

I think the fcact that you're aware of this and worried about it shows you care and will not let it affect your lovely boy. You will come round and love him with all your heart and n ot want to swap him for the world, of course you will. It's not a crime to think will i have a third, will i have a girl one day? Just let your feelings wash over you, experience them and accept them, and try not to feel bad, and your positive feelings for your new boy will help you along. Remember you're pg and everything is felt more intensely and you cry more easily.

And congratulations on DS2 - he sounds fab!

[MarvellouslyMilitantPeachy]

Oh and having the scan helped, because after DS3 was born he had been named and referred to as that for 20 weeks and was very much a part of the family. better to adjust now, I think. Maybe you could make or get him some personalised baby things (I did nighties with initials cross stictched on) to help you bond with him, rather than a dream?

[brimfull]

I grew up with three brothers,they're the best of frineds now and always have been.Boys are lovely.I know you miss the idea of having a girl but I'm sure you'll get used to the idea as the months wear on.
I felt a bit strange when I found out I was having ds after having dd.I couldn't imagine having a son.
My dh and his db are business partners and get on fabulously.Just imagine how your little boy will adore having a brother and how enriched your family will be.

[edam]

Don't think this is awful at all, think it's natural after a big shock. Doesn't mean you won't love ds2 to bits when he arrives.

I was absolutely sure I was having a girl - come from a female family (sisters + single parent, dad wasn't around much even before they got divorced). Did wedding ring test and all that. Had always imagined having a girl, since being tiny myself, never a boy. Scan results were a huge shock! Took me a while to get my head round having a boy - what on earth do you DO with boys? But after a week or so, adjusted, and loved my bump to bits. And adore ds. Think it's actually more interesting having a boy, given the novelty value in my family.

[Roobie]

I felt like this when my scan showed that I was having ds - back then in my heart of hearts I would really have loved another girl. I was even choking back tears in the ultra-sound room! Of course, I eventually got used to the idea and by the time he was born all such feelings had totally dissipated. I'm glad I found out in advance though so I didn't have to go through any guilty feelings of semi-disappointment after he was born.

[spinamum]

thank you so much for replying. I caused my laptop to cease up cos i got tears in it how ! my dh was expecting a girl too ,but a few hours after the scan he said he was used to the idea. he comes from a family of boys (well two!) so he has experienced that it works (even though it doesn't really in his case cos they bicker like five yr olds!)
I was just imagining all the chats about periods and bras and all that silly important stuff that you do with your daughter. I'm in a really weird place inmy head. Happy that my bean is healthy, but sad that I may never have a girl(Know that sounds melodramatic!) I always thought I would at some stage.

[shimmy21]

Hi Spinamum I was there 7 years ago. I had always for some strange reason believed that I 'should' have girls. I asked to find out ds2's sex at the scan because I wanted to be able to get over the disappointment of having a boy before the birth itself. Now I write this 7 years on I can't believe that is how I really felt. I can honestly say that I believe that having 2 boys was the right thing for me and that I was incredibly lucky not to get what I wanted at the time. My 2 boys are extremely close friends and are so close in a way that I'm sure they couldn't be if they were opposite genders. At the scan when I was told it was a boy I remember having visions of standing on freezing football touchlines for years to come. I hate sport and now amaze myself by finding a weird joy playing cricket and footy with my sport mad boys. They've brought me pleasures that I didn't know existed and maybe wouldn't have discovered if one had been a girl. You may feel the disappointment for a while but I am sure that as soon as your beautiful boy is born all thoughts of the girl you thought you were having will disappear.

Cheer yourself up by going out and buying some exensive and gorgeous new boy baby clothes for your new family member.

[Northerner]

I had a msicarriage in April and would just love to still be pregnant, boy or girl.

[bluejelly]

My best friend was told after a scan that she was having a girl. She had a boy. They are not 100% accurate! Not that I want to give you false hope... sure you will love your child no matter what once he/she arrives xx

[spinamum]

I totally agree that i'm glad I found out now so that i'm not doing this while trying to remember how to latch a baby onto my boobs and make sure DS1 still feels central to our family! (It's why we found out this time--to prepare for "not a girl") It's going to save me loads of money too as I'll stop looking at girls clothes!

THank you all for your comments. I'm already feeling better. I needed to be honest with myself

[SoupDragon]

Of course you're not evil. I was exactly the same with DS2. I found out by accident that he was a boy at a 37 week growth scan and was devastated.

He was born a week later and I fell in love with him immediately. Of course I did - he was happy, healthy, gorgeous and mine. For a while I got little twinges of guilt about how upset I'd been to find he was a boy but they wore off.

As for same sex families - they're fab. DS1 and 2 get along so well - they're friends. Of course they fight like mad too but they'd "kill" for each other too.

Fast forward to when DS2 was 5 & DS1 7.... pregnant with no.3 and all I could think when they said at the scan that Tad was my longed for girl was "Oh hell. WTF am I going to do with a girl??" I can honestly say I didn't actually care whether my 3rd was a boy or a girl - I think I would have been actually have been more confident with a boy!

[SoupDragon]

You're just "mourning" for the girl you thought you were having. It doesn't mean anything whatsoever. It doesn't mean you'll love him any less and it doesn't make you bad. Your baby won't pick up on it because you will fall in love with him once he gazes up at you and grabs your finger in one chubby little hand.

[spinamum]

Sorry crossed massages with some of you.

Northener, I realise what an ungratful brat i must sound. That's why I feel so bad. I was TTC for a year and it's not that I don't want this baby. I'm just in shock, which has shocked me. I spent goodness knows how many morning in the loo looking at yet another period starting and crying. So WTF am I bothered that I'm not having a girl?

LOL to you all!

[spinamum]

messages!

[spidermama]

I totally agree with the others. I had three boys in a row and my yearning for a girl was a completely different feeling from my love for each one of these baby boys iyswim. It didn't detract at all from my bond with my boys.

You are allowed to feel the loss of your daughter dreams without feeling guilty and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It's the supression of these feelings, due to some kind of misplaced guilt, which would be unhealthy.

Good luck with the rest of the pregnancy.

[spidermama]

I also had two miscarriages btw and many women have lost babies etc ... BUT the pain of others has nothing to do with your feelings and your hopes and dreams. There's no comparison. It's like saying to a depressed person 'You've no right to be depressed when people are starving to death in Africa'. Irrelevant.

It's right and healthy that you allow yourself to grieve, then you can move on.

[PrettyCandles]

Aw, don't feel so bad about yourself. You're not a bad person to feel this way!

When I was pg for the second time, we already had a ds, and, while dh harboured a secret desire to have a dd, the truth was that neither of us minded what we had. Then, at the 20w scan we were both independantly convinced that we had seen clear evidence of the baby being a boy. I mourned for the fact that I wouldn't get to do all the girlie things with my daughter, help guide her into womanhood and worry about her boyfriends, not to mention cry at her wedding and stay up all night worrying throughout her labours (see, I'd already constructed a whole lifetime with my 'daughter'). And I felt an idiot feeling this way, not to mention ungreatful for the priviledge of carrying a healthy baby. Because dh didn't want to know what we were having, we never talked about this until after the birth, so I felt very alone in my thoughts. I grieved. But gradually, by the time I gave birth, I had come to terms with the idea of having two boys, and could only think how fantastic this would be, and what a voyage of discovery (I too have both brother and sister).

Then, of course, I gave birth to a girl. What a shock! I didn't believe it until I saw for myself. And, like a post-natal, hormonal, nutter - I grieved once again! This time for the boy I didn't get! It took me 7-8 weeks to even admit this to myself, and probably another month or so to come to terms with the fact that I was/had been disappointed not to have a boy. Of course, another spell of guilt and self-bashing. I couldn't focus on the delight of having the chance that my dreams about being the mother of a daughter could come true. But the truth is that I'm not disappointed to have a girl. Like I came to terms with thinking that I was going to have a boy, I came to terms with the fact that I had a girl and love her to bits, and feel priviledged to have her. Actually, I fell in love with her the moment they lifted her off my chest to check her over.

It all comes around in the end. Right now you feel all mixed up because you have to suddenly readjust your dreams - while in the throes of pregnancy hormones, which don't help at all.

You're not nasty, foolish, evil or even ungreatful for feeling this way. Love yourself and your baby - you will in any case, however long it takes for everything to fall into place.

[100Vicki]

I am dreading what you're going through right now. I have a 17 month old ds and am 18 weeks pg with #2. We're going for the 20 week scan in 2 weeks and we're going to find out the gender of the new lo. I'm desperate to have a daughter so I know I'll feel exactly the same as you if I'm told it's a boy . To make matters worse my cousin has just had the most beautiful little girl and I'm so jealous!!!

Don't feel bad though, it's like others have said, you won't be disappointed when you're handed a healthy baby boy at the end of it all. I may have to tell myself that in a few weeks too!!

[Carmenere]

I have only read the op so I'm sure you have had plenty of good advice but I thought I would share that I had pretty much exactly the same experience. I was devastated when the scan revealed that dd was a dd! I cried and cried and felt dreadful guilt as I felt I had bonded with a little boy that I was so sure I was having. I actually did feel a bit like I was grieving for 'him'. I got over it in a few days and no, I don't think dd picked up on it.

Fwiw I was glad I had found out at the scan as I really don't know how I would have coped at the birth with this extra suprise. Don't stress, it will all be ok.

[yomellamoHelly]

In exactly the same boat. Have 2.10 year old ds. Had hoped he'd be a she, and we were really disappointed immediately after the 20 week scan, but after a few hours we adjusted and got into the idea of having a boy. This time we both made lots of jokes about how it was bound to be a boy and how it'd save us lots of money etc etc and when they told us on Wednesday that it was a boy I was initially quite cheerful but was in tears Wednesday night and Thursday. Think I've got it out of my system now.
I don't think I'll have any more children, though so I think that was part of why I felt it so much once the reality had sunk in. I think parenting a girl brings out a different side of you.
Now getting into the idea of 2 boys tbh. Ds1 is so amazing and it'll be great to see how db differs. At least you've got another 4.5 months to get your head around the idea and when he does arrive you'll be able to enjoy him fully rather than the sex being an issue then (my thinking anyway).

[spinamum]

I'm getting used to the idea now, but I stupidly bought some bits and pieces that are a bit girly and I keep finding them and feeling more embarassed at my naivity!
I was using that shettles(Sp?) method to help me to get a girl because my first conception was so easy (ie not exactly planned but very wanted!) I had trouble conceiveing this little bundle so a few people know I wanted a girl. I think that's the bit that bothering me at mo. I REALLY REALLY want this darling boy. I also want a girl but I realise that not might not happen. That is what Ive been dealing with. The lack of girl EVER not the lack of girl in my womb currently.

Thank you all for your honesty. I've felt the only correct answer to "what do you want?" pre scan is "Oh it dosn't matter,as long as s/he's healthy" Which,of course is true, but hey I really wanted to say "as long as s/he's healthy, I would love a little girl as I expect it's a differant experience than parenting a boy and I can't imagine what it's like not to have a sister/brother combo in my children".

At the end of the day, there are bigger stresses I've been saved from in pregnancy.So I'm going to start being grateful for that.