Would you like to be on Mumsnet's research panel? We're especially keen for parents-to-be and new parents to join. You can sign up here - there's (nearly) always a great incentive on offer for your views.

Finding out the sex - should we?

(170 Posts)
superlambanana Sun 26-Jan-14 21:20:09

So what do you do when you desperately want to know the sex but DH doesn't?! I feel like I need to because it'll make it less faceless... Feel like it's a 'thing' at the moment. DH doesn't want to know. Does anyone have any advice about either way?

Tomkat79 Sun 26-Jan-14 21:30:10

Is it your first? I say keep it a surprise. It was awesome finding out after all that pushing. DS is now 7!

We chose to find out this time as had suffered a MC last May...we spent so long worrying that we were going to lose this little bubba too that we felt we hadn't bonded with it at all and finding out the sex really helped make it seem more real.

Thing is, and I knew this would happen...I've spent a fortune on her already :-)

Scotmum83 Sun 26-Jan-14 21:35:27

Aberdeen don't tell you at your 20 week scan so we've decided not to find out. I'm looking forward to the surprise!!

phoolani Sun 26-Jan-14 21:37:23

I was like you OP - I needed to know! Pretty much impossible to do so however without at some point letting it slip, tho..

MissSlackPants84 Sun 26-Jan-14 21:43:23

I dont understand why someone wouldn't want to know. Its a surprise if you find out now or when you push him/her out.

Norfolknway Sun 26-Jan-14 21:44:49

I didn't find out with either of mine.

I'm glad I waited - I felt it woukd be like opening your Christmas presents on Christmas Eve wink

Blanketsandpillows Sun 26-Jan-14 21:44:52

I think if one of you doesn't want to know neither of you should find out! (I'm not sure what my logic is for this....)

CristaBell Sun 26-Jan-14 21:50:58

I'm having a surprise, I did think about finding out as a lot of family members wanted me to and DH wanted to know. I'm so pleased I didn't find out as it's more exciting for everyone, it's nice having everyone guessing the sex. Also if I had of found out I would of probably spent a fortune like Tomcat, instead I'm looking forward to going shopping after he or she is here.

This is my first and I'm 32 weeks now so not long to wait smile

summerlovingliz Sun 26-Jan-14 21:51:20

Having had 2 'unknown' I think it just makes the whole experience even more magical and exciting but some people just have to know to be prepared.. I say wait, we don't have many surprises in life! smile

ElBombero Sun 26-Jan-14 21:53:09

I found out with both of mine but we didn't tell anyone, only me and DH knew. Was nice having it just between us, and nice saving the surprise for everyone else! X

superlambanana Sun 26-Jan-14 21:53:37

That's what I thought blankets but I'm not sure now. I feel guilty for thinking of it as a thing and not a person and I suppose I'm hoping that if I find out the sex I'll bond with it a bit more. I feel like a bad mother already sad

highlove Sun 26-Jan-14 22:22:09

We found out. It's number one so I don't have anything to compare it too. But I don't think it could be any more magical and exciting than it is. It certainly doesn't feel like a ruined surprise; if anything I think it's helped us bond with baby. She's a she and not an it, which is lovely. Then again, maybe that bonding just happens gradually as the big day gets closer so it would have happened anyway.

I think it's such a personal choice with no right or wrong that only you and your DH can decide. Best of luck - do what your gut tells you and you won't regret it either way.

Plateofcrumbs Sun 26-Jan-14 22:35:33

I think I want to know but DH is not so keen. I just feel like the day I give birth there will be enough to take in and the gender thing will just get a bit lost.

I'm wondering about asking someone at the hospital to write it down for us, then we could have a little private 'reveal' between DH and I some time leading up to the birth.

It feels strange to me that I know the HCPs know and yet I don't. I had a CVS and when they gave me results they said they could tell me the gender definitively - I was in a bit of a whirl anyway taking in the results (all good thankfully) and nearly forgot to say "no!".

Aaliyah1 Sun 26-Jan-14 23:27:51

We found out because I couldn't not confused I'm too impatient haha. I've liked finding out bits and pieces as the pregnancy progresses. It's something to look forward to if your dealing with a tough pregnancy. And it's a suprise either way, whether you find out at 20 weeks or 40 weeks.
I feel like it's helped me bond with baby. Although only me and DH know so it will be q exciting to tell family when the lil one comes along.

Angloamerican Sun 26-Jan-14 23:30:20

Wait until the birth!!

The magic of my husband's voice shouting, "We've got a girl!" when our first child was born, will stay with me forever. Truly, I think at the moment I die, that will be the last thing I hear. (Is there an emoticon for getting weepy in front of the computer?)

(Less so will him saying, at our son's birth, "It's a boy!" and then immediately turning to the midwife and saying "It is a boy, isn't it?")

In all seriousness, for us it was just the greatest moment. It made my really hard labors that little bit more bearable, that "what are we having?" I do not want to denigrate anyone else's experience, but I cannot imagine that getting the same news in a HCP's office (or anywhere other than the birthing room, to be honest) could ever come close to it.

It's magic, I tell you!

annielosthergun Mon 27-Jan-14 00:13:04

We had the reverse of this - I desperately wanted a surprise, DH equally desperately wanted to know. So we did a deal that I got my wish first time round and he got his with this DC. There isn't really an alternative compromise - am pretty sure he couldn't have kept it secret had he found out and me not!

We got the sonographer to write it down as I was undecided. If I'd walked out with no chance of knowing it would have set me nuts & probably ended up booking a private scan.

But knowing that we could find out took that away and as time has gone on the need to know has totally worn off - I'm pleased we resisted temptation!

We both get 'boy vibes' so can't wait to see if were right (and if the slip of paper is correct too!).

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 07:23:57

I wasn't too fussed about finding out, said that I would prefer not to but my husband was really eager to know!! Due to the nature of my pregnancy I knew that from 20 weeks onwards I would be scanned every 4 weeks so I assumed that at some point we would either see for ourselves what it was or a sonographer would accidentally let it slip. As a result I agreed to having a Gender Scan at 16 weeks and it was the best thing I ever did. Finding out we were having a little boy whilst we watched him wriggle around on the screen has been one of the most amazing experiences of my life, I just felt so overwhelmed. My husband had tears in his eyes too, it was just a perfect moment. It made everything so much more real as I was no longer having a baby, I was having our son. It made it much easier for me to imagine the future as I would envision a little version of my husband running around as opposed to a faceless baby and I do think it helped me bond more with the pregnancy. It feels like he has already got a character and I can't wait to meet him smile

arthurbaby Mon 27-Jan-14 07:39:21

I think a surprise is better. My husband told me the sex of the baby when she was born. It also helped with the final part of labour.

whiteblossom Mon 27-Jan-14 07:56:56

anglo you have me in tears. Ive been in two minds as to finding out the sex and I think you just convinced me! I thought if we waited I would want dh to tell me not the mw.

firstpglivingabroad Mon 27-Jan-14 08:01:14

I really want to know & am having scan in 8 days - cannot wait. ExP not around anymore so that's not an issue. For me though I still struggle to understand that I'm actually pregnant. I've seen the baby twice on scans but as I'm still not showing I still don't feel pg. It's important to me so that I can start to bond. I've chosen names already and am planning on getting the name in chinese calligraphy (i'm living in SE Asia at the moment) done before I move back to the UK for the baby's room. This is the way I want things - but I know it doesn't suit everyone.

ovenbun Mon 27-Jan-14 08:19:50

Everyone is different and there isn't a right or a wrong way.

My husband really wanted to wait till the birth so as I didn't feel strongly either way I have stuck with his choice. For us so far this has felt really exciting and special, and I'm glad he made the choice. We will have the rest of our lives knowing, and being able to buy pink or blue, but for these few months a little mystery is growing inside of me. I'm not sure if I would have bonded differently if I had known the sex, but I do know that I love the little stranger in my tummy whoever they might be smile

One factor that persuaded my husband was his friend being told the wrong gender, this is rare but did put him off! Also a few people we knows have found out the sex, chosen full names and told most people, then on the day of birth they only have the weight to announce, so if you do find out I would recommend keeping the name choice secret smile

Best wishes whatever you decide smile

Onlymydogunderstandsme Mon 27-Jan-14 08:39:49

We didn't find out the first time around which we both agreed on and I'm so pleased we didn't! I really enjoyed the speculation of what we were having and it was a lovely surprise on the day and gave me more incentive to push!

This time around (only 6 weeks at the moment) we haven't talked about it too much as don't want to jinx it but DH is keen to know and I'm not sure I do. I understand it's more practical as then we can either get DS stuff out of the loft etc but part of me loves a surprise!

KiwiBanana Mon 27-Jan-14 08:40:41

I think it's crap to say your birth won't be as magical if you find out the sex in advance hmm
We found out with DS but it was still the most magical, exhilarating moment when he finally popped out and got put on to my chest.
I found out because I was also struggling to feel a bond. Knowing that I was growing my son in there helped me so much, I could then envisage a future with him quite easily.

How much does your DP not want to find out? I always think the person with the strongest feelings should get their way. For example I wasn't sure about finding out with this one but DP is absolutely desperate to, so it wouldn't feel fair of me to say no when I'm not desperate not to know.

RaRa1988 Mon 27-Jan-14 10:08:17

Surely it's a 'surprise' whether you find out at 20 weeks ish or when the baby's born?! There's no guarantees either way other than it's going to be one or the other hmm. We found out at the 20-week scan - I've been positive it was a girl since about 7 weeks and I was desperate to know if I was right - and I was grin. We're both much more excited now we know - it just makes it more real somehow.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now