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Unwanted abortion

(40 Posts)
Susieb333 Sat 11-Jan-14 15:34:26

I am 24 and half way through my university course. My partner works full time on an ok salary, we've been together over a year and he has a child from a previous relationship. I found out I was pregnate, I was so shocked as due to my medical history I always thought I'd need ivf. I always said I never wanted an abortion if it ever happened and he's always say he's support me. Now it's happened he wants an abortion as he said we're not ready, we have no home or a car and no savings. I starting to think he's not what I thought and feel really let down he won't support me when it could be my chance of being a mum naturally. X

guayaba Mon 13-Jan-14 10:11:05

OP I just wanted to say, as others have mentioned, please contact your university's welfare office or your tutor. I am tutor at my institution and we see similar situations all the time, we always try to help. In addition to counselling, you should be able to access emergency funds and bursaries and emergency housing. Most universities also have student parent support groups. Please do what is best for you!

SaggyOldClothCatPuss Sun 12-Jan-14 23:38:40

I had to make this choice recently too. DP wanted a TFMR and I just couldn't face it.
The ultimate choice was don't and he might not ever forgive me, do and I might never forgive myself. sad The ultimate rock and a hard place!
I chose not to, and thankfully he gas come round to the idea.
My circumstances are slightly different in that we have been together 20+ years and have 2 teenage dcs, so I had some idea of his ultimate response, but I'd have made the choice anyway.
Make the decision you can live with and make piece with yourself. xx

flusteredmumto2 Sun 12-Jan-14 22:22:31

OP I was/am in exactly the same position except I have 2 dc with a previous partner. I was booked to have a termination last week due to pressure from my dp. I was such an emotional mess that it made me physically sick to even contemplate it. I went to the appointment on my own and ended up not being able to have the termination due to medical risks. I am now facing loosing the man I love if he cannot come to terms with being a father and I have to be ok with that. The only advice I can give you is to be strong. Pm me if you want to talk.

Chunderella Sun 12-Jan-14 21:14:40

Any time we have PIV sex, unless one or both partners is totally infertile, each party is running the risk of creating a pregnancy. It doesn't matter whether we think about this first, or whether we are ok with the risks. We run them just the same.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss Sun 12-Jan-14 19:56:30

IMO when you have sex you might not be agreeing to become a parent, but you are taking a risk, however no formal of contraception is 100% safe and have to accept that there may be consequences.
OP you are in a shit situation, and I agree with everyone else, this is a decision that YOU have to make. Whatever you decide, YOU have to live with that decision. At any time, your OH can walk away.
Take time, and consider what you really want.

VJONES1985 Sun 12-Jan-14 19:40:14

You're right,it's no one's sole responsibility - it is both partner's. Therefore, if my partner refused to wear a condom, I would refuse to sleep with him without one.

I do agree though that now op is pregnant, she cannot be forced into doing something with her own body that she doesn't feel comfortable with. I hope your dp gets over his shock and is supportivre but if not,the best hope is that you can come to an arrangement.

DaleyBump Sun 12-Jan-14 19:38:12

*change not chance

DaleyBump Sun 12-Jan-14 19:35:22

I turned 19 two days ago. I'm a student nurse. My husband works full time during the holidays and part time when he's at uni and I'm off on maternity leave. My son was born at the end of November.

Don't get me wrong, it's really hard and I'm not even back at uni yet. But it's also the best thing I've ever done. We'd also said that if I ever got pregnant abortion wasn't an option for us. When I found out I was pregnant, I had just moved out with my (then) DP and wasn't earning a penny. DH was working part time and supporting us both on his wage which was really really hard. We didn't eat some days. But then I found out that I was bursaried for 45 weeks of maternity leave through my uni course and DH was able to increase his hours at work. We were able to move out of the damp, dirty, infested flat without heating or a working front door that we lived in to a warm, cosy 2 bedroom flat.

Being pregnant at uni was really difficult. I had to leave every ten minutes to pee, couldn't sit/stand in one position for any length of time and was in a lot of pain from SPD and sciatica. I was put on maternity leave at 29 weeks (not my decision).

Now my little boy is here and I wouldn't chance it for the world. We're still strapped for cash but we manage. I have no idea what we'll do when I go back to uni but we'll figure something out.

What I'm trying to say is that these things have a way of working themselves out. Do you have family support if you choose to continue with your pregnancy?

StupidMistakes Sun 12-Jan-14 18:57:27

Sorry but i wanted to say that if he was <as he sounds> so very against having another child he should have used a condom, the contraception is not the woman's sole responsibility, and if he was aware you weren't using any as by your post it seems he was, then he shouldn't be that shocked when he found you to be pregnant.

Any decisions you make need to be for your own reasons and in your best interests, not because you are being pressured into doing it. This is you body, your life, and its you that has to live with the decision ultimiately.

Chunderella Sun 12-Jan-14 18:47:19

It doesn't matter whether any of you agree that it's OP's body, her choice. It still is. Good luck OP, I do hope you manage to come to a decision you feel comfortable with.

VJONES1985 Sun 12-Jan-14 18:28:31

Yes, but likewise the woman chooses to have sex without contraception being used too.

IfNotNowThenWhen Sun 12-Jan-14 18:21:18

He had a choice whether or not put put a condom on.

SuperStrength Sun 12-Jan-14 17:30:46

Personally I dont agree that agreeing to have a sexual relationship with someone is the same as agreeing to become a parent...i think the 2 a very different decisions.
He is probably reacting this way because he already is a parent & understands the impact that having another child will have on his life.
On the positive side, he is being clear about how he feels about the situation.
In terms of what you do next, it's entirely up to you as you have alot to balance: you are unable to support yourself & the child financially vs possibility of not concieving again in the future.
What you see as +ve (chance to have a child naturally) he sees as a -ve (his choice whether to become a parent again).

Surprisethird Sun 12-Jan-14 12:39:49

Hi, I haven't read all the replays, so sorry if I repeat anything, I was 19 (now 34) when I found out I was pregnant, my partner said we was not ready and we should have an abortion, I was in a muddle, I lived with my mum, worked on a training wage and only been with my partner 4months, however I spoke to my older sister who wisely told me, never worry about what might be, we always cope and get through! With that I was determined to carry on regardless if my partner said with me or not. He did we are now married have my lovely son Whois 14. A daughter who is 8 and now another one, and we have our own home, nearly paid off, aswell as I am self employed, went to college when I had my son and then uni and now qualified and work for myself, so yes it worked out and I am so glad I didn't go through that abortion.
I know every situation is different but if your fertility is difficult, I would see it as a blessing in discise
Hope that helps a little xx

VJONES1985 Sun 12-Jan-14 11:29:23

I agree with Dro. So many people are quick to blame the father but actually these situations involve two people. I think he is scared and does have a good point about your current financial situation. However, he shouldn't make you feel pressured or bullied. I think you need to have an honest chat about your fears and concerns and I hope you come to an arrangement.

Droflove Sun 12-Jan-14 11:22:01

He is probably not trying to bully you, he is probably just scared and realistic. I don't believe 'it's your body, your choice' as you would be making a massive decision for his life and future too. I think you need to talk and talk and try to come to a decision together. Either you will reach some sort of consensus or one of you will have something major forced upon you. It's not an easy situation. Just be aware that neither of you is wrong for wanting/not wanting to have a child now.

Plateofcrumbs Sun 12-Jan-14 11:15:03

I'm afraid this is one of those situations where he waives any right to a say when he engages in sex

I'd say he has a right to an opinion and for that opinion to be heard. However he absolutely does not have a right to bully, abuse or pressurise. It sounds like he is doing the latter and that is unacceptable. And the right for an opinion to be heard does NOT mean he has a right to make the decision. That is something only the OP can do.

OP - there are no right or wrong answers here. It sounds like you need advice about a lot of the practicalities so you can get a better understanding about what your life would look like if you want to go ahead with the pregnancy - speak to your university, CAB, Shelter. You need emotional support as well - do you have friends or family who you can trust to be on your side whatever decision you make?

IfNotNowThenWhen Sun 12-Jan-14 10:50:45

Sorry OP-my response was deleted. I linked you to http://www.fpa.org.uk/
for proper advice.
Maybe also post somewhere other than the pregnancy topic, if you genuinely want unbiased advice, and maybe the CAB, for advice if you keep the pregancy and end up going it alone.

Good Luck x

hollylive Sun 12-Jan-14 10:47:03

I can only say I had my first daughter is very difficult circumstances.. really it was awful , I had to hide my pregnancy and was on parents sofa in the living room.. we don't have a good relationship ! Anyhow hard times pass .. and she is the best person in my world now.. I knew deep down that I was doing what was right for us .. and I also knew hard times would pass .. I understand fears of doubt etc. however it is a time for soul searching and finding out what is right for you . How do you see your future?

AmandaTanen Sun 12-Jan-14 10:26:03

Hubbythecatandme, what an awful post! I have reported it.

OP, please seek help for your situation.

IfNotNowThenWhen Sun 12-Jan-14 10:20:43

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Hubbythecatandme Sat 11-Jan-14 22:19:28

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YoungWoman94 Sat 11-Jan-14 21:50:02

I found out I was 8 week pregnant after being with ny partner just over 2 months! We had shelter over our heads (rents a room in his mums house) and a job. As the pregnancy progressed he lost his job and had to seel his van. So we literally had no money due to me being a student, i ended up quitting at 16weeks. we unfortantley lost our son

But 2+ years down the line we are still together, engaged and due to wed in April! We have a decent car and he has a briliant job whoch he loves earning £600+ a week. We still rent a room of his mum, but were saving up for a mortgage :-). I'm in my last year at college now (I joined a different course after lossingour son). and 22+3 weeks pregnant with a little girl after lossing our son and 2 early miscarriages.

It is hard keeping up on work and I'm sure it will be harderas a university student but I'm managing to do it whilst on bedrest due to bad previous pregnancies and a crap cervix. If you want this baby don't let anything or anyone stop you! Trust me I thought everything was crap and that my situation wouldn't get bettwr but it has :-).

IfNotNowThenWhen Sat 11-Jan-14 19:10:10

I don't think that's the only question actually.
OP, your "partner" is acting like a scrotum. He really, really is. (presumably he knows how to use contraception too, so why is he blaming you!?)
I know you feel that it might be your last chance, but, tbh, I would discount that for now. I know too many people who have been told they probably couldn't conceive, and have with no bother (as you have).

Think about what it might be like to share a child with a man who doesn't want it, and despises you for having it.
You would doubtless come to hate him, and believe me (I should know) it is HARD to share a child with someone you hate. REALLY hard.
OK, maybe your partner will come round. Maybe he will stop acting like a twat, but what if he doesn't?
Ultimately, it's your choice, but think about all the possible outcomes, please.

FlossyCat Sat 11-Jan-14 19:08:33

Please please don't be bullied into having an abortion. As others have said, speak to your university student welfare / support department, they should be able to give you advice about deferring your course, financial support and housing. Do you have family you could stay with?
As someone who waited for the house, career and financial stability I then struggled with fertility and it took a long time (including having a horrible miscarriage) to now be fortunate to be about to give birth any day. I have never been pregnant before, but when you struggle with fertility you look for reasons why, I would have found it difficult to forgive myself if I had chosen to abort a pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, I am not anti abortion in the right circumstances.
It sounds like you want this baby. I had a friend who had an abortion in year 2 uni because she wasn't ready, she is now happily married to the same man 12 years on and has two gorgeous children, I don't know because I haven't asked but I bet she thinks about the pregnancy she chose to end and realises now they could have found a way to survive financially. My best mates partner wanted her to have an abortion when she was 22, but she stood her ground and her gorgeous girl is now 10 years old, my mate is just divorcing the same man (who I always thought was a knob) but they have two beautiful children together who are her world.
Please get some counselling and take time to make the right decision for you x

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