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is this sensible?

(26 Posts)
Hottoddy1 Fri 22-Nov-13 11:51:57

Hi- new poster here- just looking for some opinions I'm due in May with first baby and DH has 2 invitations in the period in the couple of weeks before my due date. One for a wedding East Coast US which is when I'll be 37 weeks and one for a stag do in Dublin when I'll be 38 weeks. The wedding is his best mate from uni and stag do a close school friend otherwise would have definitely said no. Would you allow your partner to go? I suspect it's pretty unlikely I'd deliver then as first babies usually late, I do have my mum reasonably near by so could have some support if did go into labour but obviously wouldn't want him to miss his first baby. Or are we being stupid? because I think he would ne gutted if he missed the baby?

havingastress Fri 22-Nov-13 11:56:41

No. My first baby was induced at 36 weeks due to medical complications.

You have no idea what might happen!

Bobbing a couple of hours down the motorway is one thing - but flying to the states or Ireland is madness so close to your due date imo!

Although I don't get the 'allow' your partner to go comment..surely it's his choice?! And as you said, he'd be gutted if he missed the baby's arrival!

ThedementedPenguin Fri 22-Nov-13 11:57:11

I wouldn't stop my Dp. It's his decision.

Ask him which is more important? Or if you don't want to put it like that, ask him would he be more upset missing the birth of his child or the wedding/stag.

Foxeym Fri 22-Nov-13 12:19:37

First babies are not always late, something to consider?

TobyLerone Fri 22-Nov-13 12:48:18

I don't 'allow' my DH to do anything. He's an adult, and perfectly capable of making his own decisions.

He wouldn't go to either, though.

thecakeisalie Fri 22-Nov-13 12:55:37

Firstly as long as he stays open minded to the idea of complications changing plans then I wouldn't stop my DH from going. I'd make sure I had another birth partner just in case. I figure if he's happy to take the risk of missing the birth that's his decision.

peeapod Fri 22-Nov-13 13:02:50

id employ technology for this one. and leave it to your other half to decide which way the techs gonna work best, either for birth or wedding. skype, video chat etc.

Writerwannabe83 Fri 22-Nov-13 13:08:44

I can empathise with this situation. My husband has pulled out of 2 trips abroad because he doesn't want to leave me - one of which is his best friends Stag Do. The other trip is a 5 day skiing trip in Italy but is a month before my due date and doesn't want to risk it. He is actually due to be his best friend's best man but unfortunately I'm looking at being c-sectioned 1 or 2 days before the date of the wedding.....husband is now trying to work out whether he should pull out of the wedding.

His reasoning for all his cancellation is Because he'd never forgive himself if he missed the birth or there were complications after the caesarean etc and he wasn't there.

It isn't about you 'allowing' your husband to do something, it is about finding out what he thinks and what he wants to do?

EmB1715 Fri 22-Nov-13 13:22:08

Please bear in mind that not all first babies are late. I've known 5 women recently who have had early babies. Also you will probably want plenty of support around that stage of pregnancy. I'm 38 weeks and so needy/uncomfortable/fed up. Hope your DH makes the right decision!

Anothermrssmith Fri 22-Nov-13 13:22:52

If my husband wanted to go then he would be free to go,however it's a discussion to be had and I would be making it very clear that while it is his decision I would prefer him not to. I get it, it's a close friends wedding and he would hate to miss it (we were in Connecticut for a friends wedding just before I found out I was pregnant and we both would have been heartbroken to miss it) but there's no such thing as getting home quick when a transatlantic flight is involved!

The stag do would bother me less if he went BUT he would be told to stay sober in case of emergencies! Meaning he probably wouldn't go.

Iwish Fri 22-Nov-13 13:24:09

My first was born at 37+6 after my waters going at 37+4 so if tell my OH it's not such a good idea. Xx

emmac3616 Fri 22-Nov-13 13:37:50

I'm 36.5wks and my husband just spent a week in the US with work and is off again next week... its only an 8hr flight and labour will probably be long so he could probably get back if he needed to. If he can't then my mum will come, she only lives an hour away, it would be unlucky. Its his choice at the end of the day - if he misses the birth of his child he will feel bad BUT work is important (pays the bills!) and it is unlikely first baby will come early.

Chocolatemolehill Fri 22-Nov-13 14:02:03

I guess in the end nobody can tell another grown up individual what to do. However, i'd think it's not just his decision. It's his baby and his partner needs him around not just during but probably also a bit before the event. It's such a special but also stressful time.
If it was me I'd actually ask my husband not to go. We're in it together.
But it's possible I'm just a bossy bitch smile

Shellywelly1973 Fri 22-Nov-13 14:02:28

I had my first baby at 37+2.

The word allow isn't a word I would use in relation to my partner...

I think if you've got people around you will probably be fine. Maybe the trip to Ireland but skip the USA?

Good luck!

SuperSaint Fri 22-Nov-13 14:12:45

I had my first baby at 38 weeks exactly. No complications, labour naturally started. It was also fairly quick - about 6 hours from first noticeable signs to the birth. Although in hindsight I had twinges thoughout the day but I just thought they were Braxton Hicks or something.

He should only consider going if he accepts there is a possibility he may miss the birth and you are both happy with this and you have a back up labour partner you are completely comfortable with.

Inneedoftea Fri 22-Nov-13 14:13:11

Well, ultimately how would you or he feel if he missed the birth? You probably won't go into labour but obviously you could do. And if you do, he will most likely not be there. In the future will he regret that? Will he remember his friends amazing wedding/stag do or the fact that he wasn't there for his firstborn child's birth? You should make this decision together. Everyone will understand if he cancels, as you and his baby are his top priority, surely.

Julietee Fri 22-Nov-13 14:48:26

OP, you're right that stats are on your side and your first baby is more likely to be born late than early. But you just don't know which camp you'll fall in to! There's also, not to be a doom-monger, all sorts of potential complications that could arise, and none of us know if they're going to affect us.
I wouldn't want my partner away for such an important time. Not least because I'm pretty sure by then I'll need a fair bit of help physically as well as emotionally.

TwoThreeFourSix Fri 22-Nov-13 15:23:46

DH was supposed to be abroad when I was 39 weeks. He ummed and ahhed but decided not to go. DS appeared, after going into labour naturally, at 38+5.

DH was thrilled to be there and didn't regret once not being abroad.

CrispyFB Fri 22-Nov-13 16:42:19

DC1 arrived at 36+6 with no warning whatsoever with a precipitous labour - one minute I was eating my dinner, a few hours later I had a baby. Gave us both a massive shock!

And although it is unlikely, what if you have complications before then? All sorts of issues can crop up between now and your due date quite possibly necessitating an early delivery. I'm willing to bet you wouldn't be able to get a refund.

I guess it all depends on what takes priority in his life but if I was a father-to-be, it's not a risk I would want to take if I wanted to be there!

ChicaMomma Fri 22-Nov-13 17:35:40

If it was me, i'd encourage him to go to the stag in Dublin. Not sure whereabouts you live, but i fly over and back DUB- London quite a bit, there are literally a RAKE of flights a day to the various london airports, over 10 to heathrow alone. So if something happens he can be home quickly. The east coast, i wouldn't encourage- but i'd let him make up his own mind!! LIke TobyLerone said, i dont 'not allow' my adult husband to do anything, i expect him to make up his own mind!! i dont think mine would go to either, but as i say, i'd actively encourage the dublin stag- sure it might me his last blow out for a while!

Romily Fri 22-Nov-13 18:19:27

My first baby was early. I think as long as both of you are comfortable with the chance that the baby may come when he is away then there is no problem. However if you are both keen that he is there then it might be worth thinking about it further.

Spaghettinetti Fri 22-Nov-13 18:25:46

Erm, I don't know how he could even consider it. Your husband should be allowed to make up his own mind, but I don't think I'd be very impressed if my DH thought he could leave me alone at that stage of pregnancy... Friends should understand at the end of the day that this is one of the times you need your partner most. Missing a mate's wedding is nothing compared to missing the birth of your child.

crazykat Fri 22-Nov-13 18:40:12

First babies aren't always late and labour isn't always long.

I had out first dc at 38 weeks in 5hrs 4mins. DH was working down south 6.5 hours away and was absolutely gutted that he was 20 minutes late, he was almost in tears when he got to us.

Ultimately it's his decision but you need to tell home how you would feel if he wasn't there for the birth. Some women wouldn't be bothered but I was, I really wanted him there and it was so much better when I had our other dcs and he was with me.

lyndie Fri 22-Nov-13 18:45:13

DH travels with work but for our 3 never went far away after 34-35 weeks. Good job as DS (our first) was born at 37 weeks!

Sammi1986 Fri 22-Nov-13 22:03:46

Personally I'd tell him to decide what's best, and if he decided to go is be pissed and would move in with my mum :D but I wouldn't give permission if that makes sense!
Asked OH what he would do, he said no way, even if it was best friends.
I hope you can compromise. Good luck xx

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