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How to deal with MIL

(41 Posts)
Aaliyah1 Sun 17-Nov-13 23:51:00

How do I tell MIL she can't come to the scan ? She invited herself to the first one and just turned up. She keeps asking when the next one is...how can I tell her she can't come without offending her? Make up a lie? hmm

MrTumblesKnickers Fri 22-Nov-13 22:55:45

Your MIL would hardly be booking time off work to accompany you to the dentist, would she?

Oh please tell her that hospital procedure won't allow more than one adult BUT you've checked with your dentist and he will allow your MIL to accompany you to the ever-so-exciting Antenatal Dental Procedure!

McBaby Fri 22-Nov-13 20:47:57

Only one adult allowed to accompany you at our 20 week scan. So tell her that.

Xenadog Fri 22-Nov-13 20:24:43

OP why are you worried about offending you MiL? She clearly isn't concerned about over-stepping the mark with you so I do feel that you can be quite honest with her.

I would say: "MiL it will just be myself and DH at the scan. Obviously at some point afterwards we will come and share the news and pictures with you but at the actual scan it will just be us."

If she says she was at the first one so why shouldn't she attend this one I would reply with: "Yes and you invited yourself to that and we need to do this on our own and together. I am sure you understand and appreciate how special this time will be for DH and I."

Give her no wiggle room to try to argue you round and you definitely do not feel bad/guilty or responsible for her feelings.

I really wouldn't lie to her (these things have a habit of coming out) and the more often you assert yourself the easier life will become in respect of drawing boundaries with her in future.

puntasticusername Fri 22-Nov-13 19:25:36

Agree with those who have said tell her they only let one other person in the room with you. Perfectly true at both the hospitals I've been scanned at! And reassure her that you will get her lots of pictures. And yes, be crystal clear about your preferences for the birth.

How would you feel about having a further scan done privately, a little later on, that she could attend? Maybe offer her that as a compromise option...the deal being that she would have to pay for it :p

Hollyjokes Fri 22-Nov-13 15:22:14

But=before

Hollyjokes Fri 22-Nov-13 15:21:38

Agree that honesty would be best. She needs to know now that you don't want her there otherwise she'll probably expect to be present for the birth or turn up at hospital before you've even had your first post natal shower! She'll also turn up unannounced at your house all the time when you're trying to settle in and bond with the baby. It would be a good idea to set some boundaries now but the whole thing gets out if control. Good luck smile

Chocolatemolehill Fri 22-Nov-13 14:50:17

I agree you or (ideally) your partner should be honest with her and manage her expectations from the start.
Or if you want to be nice and make some sort of compromise maybe she could come along but stay outside and only come in for a couple of minutes at the end, if all is fine, just to see the baby? (Only if you are comfortable with this though!)
This is what my husband and I will be doing at our gender scan (we're doing it privately at 16 weeks). It's going to be my parents' first grandchild and they are super excited. They live abroad and I don't see them often and they won't be around when the baby is born. They are coming to visit us at Christmas and me and my husband decided to organise an extra scan then and invite them along. They will wait outside initially as we want it to be just the two of us when we are told the gender and if there are any problems. But then they will come in and see their grandchild.

SaucyJack Fri 22-Nov-13 14:26:47

Don't lie. Just put your foot down. Start as you mean to go on or she will be unbearable by the time you actually have the baby.

havingastress Fri 22-Nov-13 14:10:08

Just don't tell her when it is??! grin

tertle Fri 22-Nov-13 13:59:13

Agree with all other posters about this being a medical procedure. It's not entertainment! Your MIL would hardly be booking time off work to accompany you to the dentist, would she?
I would try to be forceful and tell her that it's not appropriate and that it is a private time between you and your husband. If you lie about the date it'll only make things worse and you'll have to appease her by allowing her along to the next one. It's tough but honesty is the best policy. She is an adult, this is your baby, not hers. She'll get over it. Good luck.

caitlinsurrey Fri 22-Nov-13 13:40:38

Also a good lie could be they only let limited number of ppl in the maternity wards.

caitlinsurrey Fri 22-Nov-13 13:39:47

Hi, i haven't read the other comments but just say it how it is to her! The longer you let her get her own way the more she will push and be there every time you turn a corner. Set boundaries now so she knows where she stands! x

Mim78 Mon 18-Nov-13 16:13:27

My instinct would be for one of you to just tell her honestly that it's a private time for the two of you. But you know her best and if you think that won't work there are lots of good lies above!

I sympathise because I really don't want anyone but DH with me. Even when DH has been unable to come to certain things due to work (he was at the main scans - 12 and 20 weeks) I haven't wanted anyone else with me. Just feels wrong to me - I'd rather be on my own. I really like my MIL and DM but still.

oscarwilde Mon 18-Nov-13 13:12:46

Mostly I would point out to your DH that under no circumstances will his mother be in the delivery room. That unless he wants a MUCH more awkward/confrontational conversation with his mother, that he needs to gently point out that her attendance was a surprise the last time and it is not appropriate that she goes to more medical appointments with the two of you.

oscarwilde Mon 18-Nov-13 13:06:48

Tell her it's hospital policy as it's for an anomoly scan and that your midwife said that for the 20 wk scan, people are encouraged not to bring other children in case there is bad news.

If she seems upset, you can always offer to get extra photos for her or ask if she would like to fund a 4D scan (assuming you would like one).

You could also say that you intend for the gender to be a surprise and so, don't want anyone in the room as it becomes more difficult for the technician to keep the screen discreet....

Or you could just make it clear that you and your DH will be going by yourselves this time in a firm no nonsense tone of voice.

In this situation I would firstly ask DH to have a firm word, but second option would be to fib about the amount of people allowed in the room. I've only ever known one person to attend scans with any of my pregnant friends (but that may be out of choice rather than rules) but I imagine it can vary between areas/hospitals

DonnaMoss Mon 18-Nov-13 09:31:16

My 20 week anomoly scan was awful and we were told some pretty scary stuff about our baby - if my Mil had been there she would have made it so much worse.
As a previous poster said, its not just a scan for entertainment, its a real medical proceedure. Your dh needs to tell her to back off.

schokolade Mon 18-Nov-13 09:25:56

MIL and FIL (!) were supposed to come to one of my scans. My DH invited them and I sort of went along with it. They didn't come in the end, and it was just as well because I ended up having an internal ultrasound (i.e. naked from the waist down). I'd like to think they'd have just left when that started happening but they're totally unbothered by nudity, so I'm not so sure...

littlecrumb Mon 18-Nov-13 09:25:02

I would ask your DH to speak yo her. Would hate my MIL to be there for scans & labour.

Onlymydogunderstandsme Mon 18-Nov-13 09:11:21

I had this with my MIL, she asked when the 20 week scan was and then said "oh I'm off that day I will come too"! I was too surprised to say anything but when she left DH and I agreed it was something special for us to share and also if there had been any anomalies found MIL would be the last person I would want there, she is just a tad over emotional and it wouldn't have been helpful!

In the end I spoke to the midwife who said that it was hospital policy to only have one person with you unless it was special circumstances. MIL accepted this and I felt better as I didn't have to lie, if I had been honest she probably would have had a breakdown!

PrincessKitKat Mon 18-Nov-13 09:05:00

Totally agree with Ironing - your trump card is that 20 week scan is a serious anomaly scan, not a meet & greet with baby.

I've got mine in Thursday & no way on earth would I want anyone but DH in there with me at such a tense time. I'm horrible when I'm nervous & Even my own DM, let alone my MIL would get on my nerves with constant wittering.

If DH really won't man up, tell her you're sorry but you're very nervous, it's a serious event & your MW has advised its best if just you & DH attend. But promise to come over that evening with the pics smile

Best of luck with MIL and your scan!

greentshirt Mon 18-Nov-13 08:17:16

Mine is gagging to come to the 20 week scan too but she won't dare ask (that's how you need to get her lol). I had a few early scans and actually asked her to come to an internal one that I didn't want to go to on my own and she was 'too busy' so she knows she has burned her bridges now.

You need to be clear and nip it in the bud or she will only get worse. I'm really quite direct and my DH backs me up (which my mil knows means it's non negotiable, if he didn't she would sniff it out as a weakness). At the weekend it emerged she is expecting the baby to stay with her overnight next Xmas (Xmas eve and Xmas day) - we live about 200 metres from her, she can forget it!!

killpeppa Mon 18-Nov-13 07:52:37

my exMIL walked into my 20 week scan & the midwife let her!
I was fummmmmiinnng!

It was my ds1 & we were meant to be finding out the gender. didnt in the end as she was there. We dont get along.

PinkApple86 Mon 18-Nov-13 06:59:16

I think you both need to overcome this now and tell her firmly but kindly. otherwise like others have said she will be turning up when you're in labour and banging on the door at 9am when you're in your pjs with a newborn and had no sleep. make her understand it's you and dhs baby and your special time or she will be taking over and even more hurt when you have to tell her then.

IDontDoIroning Mon 18-Nov-13 04:46:13

This is what you need to tell your dh if it's your 20 week anomaly scan - you all need to bear in mind it's a serious medical procedure not an entertainment event.
A number of very important checks will need to he done on the baby and the medical personnel won't want granny withering on in the background. Only once all the checks are done and everything is ok do they turn the screen round. It's quite likely they only allow mum plus one anyway.
On very rare occasions they do suspect serious health concerns for baby and need to convey those to the mum. It's not appropriate to have an audience for that.

You can lie and tell her theres a limit to the number of people allowed in, or lie about the date but that won't solve the problem of her expecting an involvement.

Your dh needs to tell her it's only going to be the 2 of you otherwise you're going to be in for more of the same further on down the line.

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