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How to deal with MIL

(41 Posts)
Aaliyah1 Sun 17-Nov-13 23:51:00

How do I tell MIL she can't come to the scan ? She invited herself to the first one and just turned up. She keeps asking when the next one is...how can I tell her she can't come without offending her? Make up a lie? hmm

In this situation I would firstly ask DH to have a firm word, but second option would be to fib about the amount of people allowed in the room. I've only ever known one person to attend scans with any of my pregnant friends (but that may be out of choice rather than rules) but I imagine it can vary between areas/hospitals

oscarwilde Mon 18-Nov-13 13:06:48

Tell her it's hospital policy as it's for an anomoly scan and that your midwife said that for the 20 wk scan, people are encouraged not to bring other children in case there is bad news.

If she seems upset, you can always offer to get extra photos for her or ask if she would like to fund a 4D scan (assuming you would like one).

You could also say that you intend for the gender to be a surprise and so, don't want anyone in the room as it becomes more difficult for the technician to keep the screen discreet....

Or you could just make it clear that you and your DH will be going by yourselves this time in a firm no nonsense tone of voice.

oscarwilde Mon 18-Nov-13 13:12:46

Mostly I would point out to your DH that under no circumstances will his mother be in the delivery room. That unless he wants a MUCH more awkward/confrontational conversation with his mother, that he needs to gently point out that her attendance was a surprise the last time and it is not appropriate that she goes to more medical appointments with the two of you.

Mim78 Mon 18-Nov-13 16:13:27

My instinct would be for one of you to just tell her honestly that it's a private time for the two of you. But you know her best and if you think that won't work there are lots of good lies above!

I sympathise because I really don't want anyone but DH with me. Even when DH has been unable to come to certain things due to work (he was at the main scans - 12 and 20 weeks) I haven't wanted anyone else with me. Just feels wrong to me - I'd rather be on my own. I really like my MIL and DM but still.

caitlinsurrey Fri 22-Nov-13 13:39:47

Hi, i haven't read the other comments but just say it how it is to her! The longer you let her get her own way the more she will push and be there every time you turn a corner. Set boundaries now so she knows where she stands! x

caitlinsurrey Fri 22-Nov-13 13:40:38

Also a good lie could be they only let limited number of ppl in the maternity wards.

tertle Fri 22-Nov-13 13:59:13

Agree with all other posters about this being a medical procedure. It's not entertainment! Your MIL would hardly be booking time off work to accompany you to the dentist, would she?
I would try to be forceful and tell her that it's not appropriate and that it is a private time between you and your husband. If you lie about the date it'll only make things worse and you'll have to appease her by allowing her along to the next one. It's tough but honesty is the best policy. She is an adult, this is your baby, not hers. She'll get over it. Good luck.

havingastress Fri 22-Nov-13 14:10:08

Just don't tell her when it is??! grin

SaucyJack Fri 22-Nov-13 14:26:47

Don't lie. Just put your foot down. Start as you mean to go on or she will be unbearable by the time you actually have the baby.

Chocolatemolehill Fri 22-Nov-13 14:50:17

I agree you or (ideally) your partner should be honest with her and manage her expectations from the start.
Or if you want to be nice and make some sort of compromise maybe she could come along but stay outside and only come in for a couple of minutes at the end, if all is fine, just to see the baby? (Only if you are comfortable with this though!)
This is what my husband and I will be doing at our gender scan (we're doing it privately at 16 weeks). It's going to be my parents' first grandchild and they are super excited. They live abroad and I don't see them often and they won't be around when the baby is born. They are coming to visit us at Christmas and me and my husband decided to organise an extra scan then and invite them along. They will wait outside initially as we want it to be just the two of us when we are told the gender and if there are any problems. But then they will come in and see their grandchild.

Hollyjokes Fri 22-Nov-13 15:21:38

Agree that honesty would be best. She needs to know now that you don't want her there otherwise she'll probably expect to be present for the birth or turn up at hospital before you've even had your first post natal shower! She'll also turn up unannounced at your house all the time when you're trying to settle in and bond with the baby. It would be a good idea to set some boundaries now but the whole thing gets out if control. Good luck smile

Hollyjokes Fri 22-Nov-13 15:22:14

But=before

puntasticusername Fri 22-Nov-13 19:25:36

Agree with those who have said tell her they only let one other person in the room with you. Perfectly true at both the hospitals I've been scanned at! And reassure her that you will get her lots of pictures. And yes, be crystal clear about your preferences for the birth.

How would you feel about having a further scan done privately, a little later on, that she could attend? Maybe offer her that as a compromise option...the deal being that she would have to pay for it :p

Xenadog Fri 22-Nov-13 20:24:43

OP why are you worried about offending you MiL? She clearly isn't concerned about over-stepping the mark with you so I do feel that you can be quite honest with her.

I would say: "MiL it will just be myself and DH at the scan. Obviously at some point afterwards we will come and share the news and pictures with you but at the actual scan it will just be us."

If she says she was at the first one so why shouldn't she attend this one I would reply with: "Yes and you invited yourself to that and we need to do this on our own and together. I am sure you understand and appreciate how special this time will be for DH and I."

Give her no wiggle room to try to argue you round and you definitely do not feel bad/guilty or responsible for her feelings.

I really wouldn't lie to her (these things have a habit of coming out) and the more often you assert yourself the easier life will become in respect of drawing boundaries with her in future.

McBaby Fri 22-Nov-13 20:47:57

Only one adult allowed to accompany you at our 20 week scan. So tell her that.

MrTumblesKnickers Fri 22-Nov-13 22:55:45

Your MIL would hardly be booking time off work to accompany you to the dentist, would she?

Oh please tell her that hospital procedure won't allow more than one adult BUT you've checked with your dentist and he will allow your MIL to accompany you to the ever-so-exciting Antenatal Dental Procedure!

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