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Pregnancy a time to become closer to your mum? Sadly, not for me :-(

(30 Posts)
amandine07 Thu 24-Oct-13 14:13:46

Hi everyone

Don't know if this is the best place to post this, just had to get some things off my chest!
I'm 28 weeks PG, unplanned but both OH and myself are over the moon!

I was hoping it would bring me closer to my parents, especially my mother who I seem to have a 'difficult' relationship with.

Now, I know I am hugely lucky to still have both parents, but the way my mum made me feel last night, I can certainly do without the added stress.

Her main issue is that we live in a rented property a 1-bedroom flat, which she feels is wholly inappropriate for a baby.
We're not currently looking to move as the cost of gaining 1 extra bedroom is huge. We live in London.

She was also implying that my OH should man up and provide for me & the baby ie buy us a house, quite with what I don't know.

We are getting married in July next year- booked & arranged before we knew about the baby. We are going ahead with it still.

I get the impression my mum thinks we should cancel it and buy a house instead- she's not come out & said this but her irritation is obvious.
Obviously I agree that buying a home is important, but equally, we want to get married & have planned to do so.

Finally, my younger twin siblings are now both married, kids & mortgage. It really hurt inside when she made direct comparisons between us (we have totally different situations!) & kept repeating how disappointed she is in me, how I need to grow up & stop acting like I know it all.

Then my dad waded in on the conversation & wouldn't let me off the phone until he'd said similar. I was very close to putting the phone down.

So I had a good cry after, then had a bowl of ice cream for dinner. Luckily OH was working late & got home once I was in bed.

By the way I'm 35, have a professional full time job, as does my OH.

I don't know if I have the energy to put into improving relations with my parents, I love them and I want them to be involved as much as possible. But I don't think they're doing my state of mind any good sad

Apologies for the enormous long post, I had to get it out as I've not spoken to anyone it sad

amandine07 Sat 26-Oct-13 06:40:17

Thank you everyone for all your comments & thoughts!

I was pretty upset & emotional when I posted on Friday, your comments really did help lift me & see the 'bigger picture'. It actually felt a bit like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

Pregnancy is such a roller coaster time, luckily I've been well so far (touch wood) just with a couple of colds making me feel shattered.

My parents have been the thing stressing me out the most!
It's so wonderful to hear from others in 1-bed flats with little ones who all seem to be doing perfectly ok!
And others with similar sounding mothers- yay I am NOT alone!

I just felt that some of the comments were unecessary swipes at my OH and collectively our commitment to/ability to parent our baby- this really hurt.

As if not rushing out to rent a bigger place/buy a (possibly unsuitable) property demonstrates a lack of motivation to provide for our child.

I said to my mum that having a baby and organising a wedding was enough stress for now- she said I'd got my priorities wrong, buying a property should be top of our list.

The sibling comparison went down badly with me- my younger sister was married with mortgage before baby, my younger brother was un-married with mortgage before baby (but quite frankly the sun shines out of his ass, he could get away with anything!).

So, I am the great big disappointment...but do you know what? I really don't give a flying one & will not be pushed into anything or made to feel bad for our decisions! grin

amandine07 Sat 26-Oct-13 06:49:32

Just to add- my lovely auntie, her husband & their 3 kids have always rented, they have also struggled financially.

They are in a situation now where they are both unemployed and living in council property.
This is quite sad to see them struggle.

I think my mum is worried that we will end up in a similar situation to them, but this does not excuse the way she has spoken to me.

For almost as long as I can remember she used to always comment how sad it was they were in rented accommodation, she always blamed my uncle who she has never liked.

My parents used to get really wound up about it & go on about my aunt's living situation. They still do.
I personally think they, especially my mum, should just stop and show some appreciation for all the wonderful things happening in their own lives, for their own children, rather than focus on all the negatives and the things they perceive to be 'not right'.

Onwards & upwards!

wem Sat 26-Oct-13 06:59:36

That sounds great amandine. Try to remember, they are just people with opinions, who seem to think they have a right to force it on you. If it was anyone else you'd laugh at them. Your parents have conditioned you to need their approval, but you really don't.

amandine07 Sat 26-Oct-13 07:13:27

Thanks wen you're absolutely right, if it was anyone else I'd be a bit like, er, thank you for your opinions, now bugger off you don't really add anything positive to the situation!

The irony is, I first moved out at 18 when I went to university, have bought my own property in the past (not with a partner)...so it's not as if I've emotionally & financially tied to my parents.

By yet they really get to me and have been the only thing upsetting me so far during the pregnancy!

amandine07 Sat 26-Oct-13 07:16:00

I think it's because I had high hopes that the wedding planning & baby would automatically bring us closer together, it's just bitter disappointment that it hasn't been like that- it makes me feel like a failure.

However, I remind myself that it's a 2-way process, they need to make efforts & act appropriately, not just me & OH!!

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