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Disappointed of gender?

(30 Posts)
CLM123 Fri 20-Sep-13 21:02:57

Hi ladies,

So I found out today that we're having a little princess only thing is when she told me all I felt was disappointment... I was adamant she was a boy! To the point where I bought boy things! (More fool me eh)

Just wondering if anyone else felt this way? I just feel awful at my reaction I guess it was more of a shock than anything. I've sorta come around to it now and getting quite excited but still feel a slight pang of disappointment. Am I being selfish? Just worried that this will affect how I now feel about the pregnancy and when she comes, and that scares the bejeebas out of me because that would break my heart.

Any reassurance or similarities would be kindly appreciated and please be nice, thank you.

Franykins Mon 23-Sep-13 10:25:52

I've always wanted a girl as I'm rather girlie and can't imagine standing on a football pitch (very stereotypical I know) and doing boy things. We found out at our 12 week scan we are having twins. I then just wanted two of the same (who knows why) whether that be boys or girls (still secretly hoping for girls as DP already has 2 boys who live with us week on week off so wanted some back up haha) We had a private scan at 17 weeks and found out we are having one of each. I wouldn't say I was disappointed, but at the same time I did kind of feel that. How stupid now I look back on it, I'm currently 30+2. I am so lucky to be having a baby let alone two! And all signs are that both are very healthy and growing well (on the larger side of normal, this could get painful haha). After talking to some people who have twins and saying that I was worried boy/girl twins won't be as close as boy/boy or girl/girl I have been told rather a lot that actually people find they get on better. Who knows though, will just have to wait and find out.

It is safe to say that now I am overjoyed we're having one of each grin and so bloody lucky!

As my mum says, you can't help the way you feel. You will find it passes I'm sure and ShowOfHands has said made some very lovely, truthful and funny comments.

ShowOfHands Sat 21-Sep-13 15:01:57

Making people both laugh and cry? It's like the story of my parenting in one pithy statement. grin

buttercupski Sat 21-Sep-13 11:47:34

Showofhands, you've now made me both well up and laugh out loud in the space of about two mins. Well done and thank you!

"Willies are private. Leave it alone. Yes, I can see that it's pointy."

Husbands are a trial grin wink

I had very clear gender preference first time, to my surprise, fairly strong second time, and slight this time.

First two times I got what I "wanted" which given that I had serious ante natal depression was probably for the best.

This though will be my last pregnancy. Finding out at the scan that I'm expecting a DS3 was very hard. I had always pictured myself having two boys and a girl, in that order, so I felt briefly like I'd lost a girl I was entitled to, or something.

But I'm three months on from that discovery now and completely happy with the genitals of the unborn. My existing DC are so different yet similar that I have no particular expectations of what DS3 will be like.

What's harder, though, is other people's reactions. There are easy and obvious reactions to any mixture of sexes, so why do people say "oh dear" when you answer their question about the "flavour" of the bump?! angry hmm

SaucyJack Sat 21-Sep-13 11:26:53

Oh I can do that. I say it to his/her father enough times a day....... grin

ShowOfHands Sat 21-Sep-13 11:15:48

"Boys have willies FGS! What does one do with one of them?"

Oooh I know this one, I know. Pick me!

Repeat after me. Try and sound weary:

"DS, take your hand out of your pants and leave it alone fgs. It's not a toy and GOD IS WATCHING".

Ta-dah!

StupidFlanders Sat 21-Sep-13 11:10:41

Damn showofhand that made me teary! So true!

CLM123 Sat 21-Sep-13 10:45:18

Again, thank you for your posts ladies. They have all definitely put me slightly at ease I just feel so guilty at my reaction but I am slowly coming round to it was just panicking that this would alter my feelings towards it all but very relieved to know its quite common!

Xena - quite funny you should say that my mum had 7 girls and 1 boy and she too was convinced that my youngest sister was a boy! Praying the same isn't on the cards for me, couldn't imagine having 8 children just to have one boy!

I mean I always thought I would have a mixture of genders and it wouldn't bother me but just the fact we had been calling the bump a 'he' for so long was very difficult to register when she said its a girl. We too picked a boys name and everything!

Wishing all you ladies the very best with parenthood and again thank you for taking your time to reply to me, you don't realise how much I appreciate it!

SaucyJack Sat 21-Sep-13 09:58:55

I think it's perfectly usual to have a preference, and very common to feel initially disappointed to find out you won't be having the child you've imagined.

FTR I've always wanted girls. I don't like other people's sons any less than their daughters, I just can't picture myself being the mother of a boy. I've had two daughters so far and am hoping for another girl this time round if I'm honest. (Boys have willies FGS! What does one do with one of them?)

Stevie77 Sat 21-Sep-13 09:13:22

I completely understand and sympathise with your feelings. We've found out we're about to have a boy but have so desperately hoped to have a little sister for DD. I was convinced it was a girl, there was no other option as far as I was concerned.

My emotions are a bit high so I don't really want to elaborate at the moment, but wanted to chip in and let you know you are not alone.

Xenadog Sat 21-Sep-13 08:48:02

Oh and I was baby number 6 so all their hopes were pinned on me being a boy too!

Xenadog Sat 21-Sep-13 08:46:24

We were both convinced we were having a boy and then when the scan result said girl it really floored us! We are happy now and have picked a name, been given loads of pink stuff from friends and are ready for the arrival of a baby girl. It took a little time to get used to as we had named the baby with a boy's name but giving the baby her own name has made her seem real and lovely but it did take a few days for it to sink in. Give yourself time, ultimately you will love this baby regardless of gender - I was one of 6 children, my brother was the oldest then my parents had 5 girls. They really wanted me to be a boy but once born they were just so happy that I was healthy - this is how you will feel too, OP.

BigKicker Sat 21-Sep-13 00:28:50

I had pretty much the same experience and got a little bit of slack on here for saying I was disappointed. That was a couple of months ago and with time I've totally come around. It's all psychological as I think if you had no original feeling it was one sex or the other in the beginning you wouldn't be so disappointed when you find out. X

ShowOfHands Fri 20-Sep-13 23:17:43

I had a girl first btw. I always imagined and hoped for boys for myriad reasons.

I love my daughter with a fierceness which surprises me. She is the most magnificent and wonderful person I have ever had the privilege to know, let alone love and raise. She is simply the best thing I have ever done and I cannot express how much she is exactly the child I was always meant to have first. She isn't a girl. She's my family. And she's brilliant. I have a boy too. The feelings and experiences of having him are the same. He's my family. He belongs here. Their places in our lives are assured and equal and related in no way to which one of them has a penis.

All this I know solely in hindsight. When pregnant, I had no clue and my hormones and worries took over. That bit passes though and boy will you love the next bit.

ShowOfHands Fri 20-Sep-13 23:11:51

CLM, it's just the rational side of your brain warring with the emotional side of your brain. You feel shocked and disappointed. You know realistically this is unfounded. But still you feel it. So you feel guilty and ashamed and worried. Really, it's fine. When you have the 20wk scan and find out the sex, it tells you a massive thing. And oddly, tells you nothing at all. Your little baby you know nothing about except for what reproductive organs it has. And it is massively inflated in its importance because you know nothing else about them. You don't know how they giggle or how their tiny little hand will feel in yours or what the small snuffles of breath will feel like on your shoulder as they snuggle into your neck and sigh. Honestly, that baby you're having is a whole little person and you'll find out very soon that their very existence transcends any of the misconceptions you have now about what being a boy or a girl 'means'.

Talk about her name, what you will call her. It might help to go out and buy an outfit for your baby, for the baby you know you're having. Buy her a dress and hang it in the corner of your room and look at it in the morning and know that your daughter will wear it. One day really soon you'll wake up and instead of feeling nervous or unsure when you glance at it, you'll just see something which represents the child you will have, not the one you won't and you'll feel nothing but excitement. And a few weeks after that, the dress will be screwed up in a laundry basket, covered in dribble and poo, having been worn for 3 minutes and abandoned in favour of easy to fasten and wash babygros. grin

Congratulations.

CLM123 Fri 20-Sep-13 22:34:22

Showofhands thankyou immensely for your post! Extremely helpful and you speak many words of wisdom!

I was mainly writing to see if it was common as I was a little taken aback at how I felt when we was told and just thought my poor little baby this should be a very happy time for us so felt rather guilty but just couldn't help feeling that way!

RhondaJean Fri 20-Sep-13 22:33:50

Show you nailed exactly how I feel/felt - as I put it on another thread it's the grieving for the child that will never be even as you love the one that is.

CLM123 Fri 20-Sep-13 22:26:38

Yes I understand that and I think it is silly for people to complain about petty things but I'm not just simply explaining how I feel and asking for some reassurance. Pregnancy does crazy things to us so I often find myself questioning whether its 'normal' and I don't think anyone should be penalised or criticised for doing so.

Thankyou Rhonda and 'cravingcake' really appreciate it! :D just a shock to the system after calling her a him for so long haha only myself to blame really. Our baby is going to be cherished either way!

ShowOfHands Fri 20-Sep-13 22:25:07

These threads are often enormously supportive I find. Of course it will be a very difficult thing to read if you are having problems with fertility but what you're feeling is common and you don't have to filter your reaction through anybody else's feelings. It's an honest reaction and you already recognise it for what it is. There are many, many threads dealing with the same thing, most very supportive.

I promise you now, once your baby is here, you won't be disappointed or upset at all. Your baby is your baby. Completely unique and so much more than whatever might be implied by the presence or absence of a penis. But you feel shocked and upset. That's fine. Remind yourself that you have no concrete reason to be upset, don't let it cloud your feelings or make you anxious about the birth or bonding. It's quite common and it passes. You will love your magnificent little baby for who they are, not what they have between their legs. Honestly. When it comes to it, it's surprisingly simple.

I always wanted a little boy. When I found out I was having one, I felt strangely flat and subdued. I know why now. It's just a door closing. A possibility for a life ending as another one unfolds. It's an uncanny feeling and not logical at all really.

Boobybeau Fri 20-Sep-13 22:09:30

I think what Daley means is that there are a lot of people on mn who are desperately ttc or had MC's or have very poorly babies and would do anything for a healthy baby regardless of its gender. I'm not trying to make you feel bad as you can't help how you feel but just sayin'

cravingcake Fri 20-Sep-13 22:02:58

We have a wonderful DS and found out we're expecting a girl this time. Both my DH and I said before we knew that if we could choose we would love to have a girl this time so we are very happy. We've known for a couple of weeks and even though we are over the moon to be expecting a healthy girl I have still had moments where I've been a little bit down that I wont have 2 boys confused.

Its perfectly normal and part of the joy of pregnancy hormones. You wont love the child any less and you will probably have had the same emotions after the birth so don't feel guilty about it.

RhondaJean Fri 20-Sep-13 22:02:49

Clm I get you 100percent but I promise it's something you deal ŵith and get over. If I had gone on to be able to have a son afterwards, I doubt I would even remember it now.

Daley is posting because you are due someone along telling you you are a disgrace and should just be happy whatever it is (which you will be ) and I have seen some really nasty things said on these gender threads.

CLM123 Fri 20-Sep-13 21:59:50

Daley, don't quite understand your comment? Not a regular lol

CLM123 Fri 20-Sep-13 21:58:16

Thank you for your posts and yes that's what I felt, should be grateful that they're healthy just a little harder than that.

Praying I will come to terms with it soon and return to how happy I was. Seems so irrelevant and petty but just hand on heart thought she was a boy.

DaleyBump Fri 20-Sep-13 21:53:06

These threads always go the same way. Hope you're wearing your flame retardant pants, OP.

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