Would you like to be a member of our research panel? Join here - there's (nearly) always a great incentive offered for your views.

devastated!!! :(

(57 Posts)
Jasss123 Tue 17-Sep-13 10:08:41

after a year together (and 7 years of being best friends!) me and my partner decided to try for a baby! six months later and I find out I'm 8 weeks pregnant! cannot contain my joy and just wanna tell the world, I tell my once-supportive boyfriend and he hits the roof saying he thought it would take longer than this and he's just not ready telling me to get rid of it otherwise he'll be 'miserable for the rest of his life and it'll be All my fault'. gutted! as if that wasn't bad enough, I then think I've miscarried and the doctors think so too, so they send me for a scan at the hospital to confirm it where he doesn't come with me (or to any of the other appointments) and I'm elated to find that little heartbeat on the screen fluttering away! I bring home the picture to show him and he tells me to throw it away because if we're getting rid of it why would we need a picture?!?! I really don't wanna get rid of it, its the last thing I want but I really don't wanna lose him either and now he keeps badgering me daily to phone up and book a termination but I'm trying to put it off for as long as I can, am I wrong to do so? does it make me a bad person to risk the best relationship I've ever had with the best friend I've ever had? I'm now 9+1 and should be having prenatal apps ect but I'm so confused and don't know what to do!!!

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob Tue 17-Sep-13 10:11:05

Obviously you do not even consider getting rid of a wanted child. Your partner sounds quite repulsive.

Damnautocorrect Tue 17-Sep-13 10:14:56

It's clear you don't want to terminate the pregnancy, so you shouldn't be blackmailed into that.
I notice its only his feelings that are being discussed. How does he think you'd feel after? Does he not think you'd be miserable, doing something you clearly don't want?
So you go along with what he wants, how do you think your relationship would stand the resentment?

Writerwannabe83 Tue 17-Sep-13 10:15:44

He sounds like an absolute b*stard!!!!!

Leave him, leave him, leave him!!!

If his behaviour towards you is the best you think you deserve then you must have serious self esteem problems.

What a horrid person he is!!

You clearly want your baby and this baby is a million times more important than your 'best friend' and his thoughts so tell him to f*ck off.

You and the baby deserve SO much more x x x

noblegiraffe Tue 17-Sep-13 10:16:26

Get rid of the boyfriend, not the baby.

curlew Tue 17-Sep-13 10:16:41

Her old are you, Jasss?

SeriousStuff Tue 17-Sep-13 10:20:15

If you get rid of this wanted baby, you will end up resenting your boyfriend sooner or later. So the risk here is you lose your baby and your relationship. If he's not on board after saying he was (it's not as if this wasn't planned!) you need to get out.

Congratulations on your pregnancy by the way - so glad to hear you hadn't miscarried.

MissGarth Tue 17-Sep-13 10:20:55

Dear Jasss,

You need support, and quickly.

Is there someone you trust who you can confide in real life?

The reason I ask is that you are in an extremely abusive relationship.

He is a cruel, vicious bully to plan an pregnancy with you and then punish you for it and emotionally blackmail you like this.

You say that this is "the best relationship I've ever had with the best friend I've ever had", and unfortunately this may be your experience, but it is NOT a good or loving or kind relationship in any way, and you deserve these things.

I suggest that you ask MNHQ to move your post to 'relationships' as you will get a lot of help there from very wise women who understand about emotionally abusive relationships and will know better how to help you.

You can do this by clicking on the word report in the light blue banner above your original message and asking them to move it.

This is not the best relationship and this guy is not your best friend. Good relationships do not involve emotional blackmail and bullying. Best friends are supportive of you and wouldn't dream of forcing you into something you clearly do not want.

Your P chose to start TTC, now you have conceived a child together he's changed his mind? What did he think TTC meant if not a pregnancy? Either he is extremely stupid or he has used your body as some sort of experiment to see if he is ready. Now he's trying to control how you feel about the result. Disgusting.

Think very carefully about continuing a relationship with this man, even if you bend to his will this time there will be more manipulation and control, I'd bet my house on it.

StupidMistakes Tue 17-Sep-13 10:28:23

Keep the baby. It was planned. You both wanted it so he should have been happy about it. I'm glad your baby is ok. Do not have a termination because someone pressures you to, you would regret it forever.

Smartiepants79 Tue 17-Sep-13 10:29:28

Do you truly believe your relationship could withstand he emotional fallout from a forced termination.
I doubt you would ever forgive him.
He sounds like bad news but to give him some tiny bit of wriggle room is there a chance he is panicking? Does he realise the long term consequences of what he is asking?
Seek some professional advice. Go to your antenatal appointments, speak to the midwife maybe if you feel you could trust her.

tracyrobo Tue 17-Sep-13 10:33:04

I have been in bad relationships indeed in a bad marriage where I thought it was probably the best I was going to get but I was so wrong. I am now with a loving caring supportive man who truly is my best friend and we are having a baby that we will both love.

Please believe me you can do soooooo much better than this selfish, immature, self centered man who is NOT your best friend.

Get help, get support, see a counsellor but GET OUT of that relationship and get out now. You and your baby deserve so much more.

Good luck with your pregnancy, it truly is a gift.

Lj8893 Tue 17-Sep-13 10:33:19

I know people who have had a termination for all the right reasons, and although they know it was for the best and the pregnancy wasent planned etc, it still took its emotional toll on them.

I can't begin to imagine how someone would feel having a termination of a dearly wanted child which your baby clearly is to you.

For your sake, don't have a termination. If it means you lose your relationship then so be it. He sounds like a horrible manipulative bully anyway.

Be strong girl, hold your head up high and do what you want to do.

Mon26 Tue 17-Sep-13 10:37:47

Dear Jass123, I am sorry to also say that you are in an abusive relationship. You have wanted this baby, and it will never be easy to terminate it, because it will live with you forever.

However, as someone has already said it, i don't see much future for this relationship. This person does not love you, does not understand what it is to share, to respect, to listen, to give and to provide love to you. You have probably suspected it all the way until now, otherwise you would not have described the situation as you have done. To me it comes down to: 1. Carry on the pregnancy and leave him, and be happier although perhaps struggling at the beginning, but i am sure your family/friends would help you . 2. Carry on the pregnancy whilst with him, end up most likely in an abusive household and end up splitting after years of damage to each other and the baby 3. Terminate it and go back to he abusive relationship which will end up damaging you and delaying your enjoyment of life and growing as a person and adult to enjoy life. 4. Terminate it and leave him anyhow, and start a new bright beautiful live with determination and leaving behind all the Jass123 that he has been damaging.

I have had 5 miscarriages, I wish, hope that you can hold to this one and be happy. Life is very funny sometimes!

Good luck, and breathe, don't let his pressure to be the decision you will take. Take your time. And don't use neither the pregnancy to get him closer, people don't change, normally. Take your time, breathe and listen to your heart not to what he wants. Make a list of different possible future scenarios that could happen with each possible decision, and your mind will encompass the right direction to find a solution. Take it smoothly. Love yourself darling. Love yourself more than anything else these days. (Basically, more than what you love him. That person's behavior seems selfish, abusive, impositive, threatening and definitively not loving you. So love yourself)

Mon26 Tue 17-Sep-13 10:41:28

i totally support what Lj8893 has said. i wish I wasn't so objective sometimes. Clearly, if you can allow me to be subjective now: dont have a termination of a wanted baby. i know also two girls that had an abortion when they were 24 years old, and now they are still regretting (13 years later). They thought it was too early, their relationship was too young,.. and now one of them are still together and regretting that baby that they let go... You have a future ahead of you, and it is beautiful. And it does not look there is room for your "boyfriend" in it.

honey86 Tue 17-Sep-13 11:00:07

it sounds to me like he has done this whole ttc thing to feel in control of you and your body. to control your fertility. to make you pregnant then unpregnant.

that rings alarm bells to me. it should to you too. unstick him from his perch , end the relationship and enjoy your pregnancy. if not, your forced abortion will likely destroy your relationship anyway.

Iwaswatchingthat Tue 17-Sep-13 11:02:20

Your partner sounds abusive.

Do not let him bully you into a decision you obviously do not want to make.

Seek some real life help and support ASAP.

Makqueen2 Tue 17-Sep-13 11:03:18

he hits the roof saying he thought it would take longer than this and he's just not ready telling me to get rid of it otherwise he'll be 'miserable for the rest of his life and it'll be All my fault

And this is why you need to leave him.

Dear God, what an awful, immature man.

If you terminate this pregnancy, you will end up hating him.

I am so sorry you are in this position. But please, think very hard about terminating a pregnancy for this man.

MadBusLady Tue 17-Sep-13 11:06:00

Dump the boyfriend.

Then decide whether you want the baby on your own.

But he has to go. This is not a good relationship and he is not a good man.

HotCrossPun Tue 17-Sep-13 11:15:37

He sounds uncaring, cruel and unbelievably selfish.

YOU choose what to do with YOUR body. Do not let him bully into doing something you clearly don't want to do.

It may be the best relationship you ever had, but all that says to me is that you have had a lot of shit relationships.

What age are you and what age is your DP?

lunar1 Tue 17-Sep-13 11:23:39

Your relationship can't recover now unless he changes his mind pretty quickly about the baby.

If you let him bully you into a termination you will split up anyway.

Mon26 Tue 17-Sep-13 11:26:36

Jass123, how are you doing? It is probably hard to process all our comments, but they are from our hearts and sincere, and straight forward. it might not be what you want to hear to sooth your pain, but in the deep of your heart you know that if you were writting here today is because you also feel you are being abused and treated unfairly by him. And you wrote looking for our mirrors to tell you the truth, and the truth is the same that you suspected: he isn't worth it. Process them, take your time, but don't let yourself into this situation any longer. Take a small bag with the most important and leave him. There are infinite places where you can go. At least do it for yourself to be able to think about it. Give yourself some room instead of falling into his trap of confusion and domination. At least take some days away. Do let us know how are you doing. Good luck, and lots of strength. You will be fine, you will see!

You have done nothing wrong, and you are doing nothing wrong.

He agreed to try for a baby, the consequences of which are pregnancy and, of course, a baby!

If he thought it would take much longer than 4 months to conceive then this is his problem. The baby was planned and is clearly very wanted (by you) so there are absolutely no grounds for you to consider a termination, unless you actually want one.

Do not for one second consider putting the whims of this idiotic man before the life of your much-wanted baby.

Cocolikeschocolate Tue 17-Sep-13 11:46:49

Dear Jasss,

This very same thing recently happened to my sister - she took the wise decision of spending some time alone with a girlfriend that only had HER best interests at heart and this time allowed her to react honestly to her pregnancy expressing the way that she really felt out it without fear or guilt. She concluded that she was utterly delighted and the love that she and this baby will share will be forever and that there is no such guarantee with any boyfriend/husband. Like you she put off making the decision overtly to her BF but internally knew she would not terminate - if they could not get over this obstacle how could they face any real horror show scenarios that a long life together would throw at them. These occasions are the making of men or the unmasking of them. Know how you feel, what you want and how you see your life together knowing that he made you give up your unborn child together - is it something that you will be able to look past ... what im trying to say is - will the relationship end after this anyways as I cannot imagine it being easy to it ever being the same again. In the end my sister stood her ground, didn't speak about the pregnancy much or try to persuade him, she let him alone to let the dust and the idea of imminent fatherhood settle - they are now 29 weeks pregnant and he is now very much on board.

Best of luck with this - I hope that your heart and mind stay in tandem over this and that your mutual respect for each other will see you through the other side..... and as trite as it might sounds ....every time you have sex we all know what the risks are .... this is a gamble and we need to be ready to put our money where our mouth is when unexpected surprises happen.

Much love and luck

Coco xx

Mamabear12 Tue 17-Sep-13 12:31:22

Dump him. Your partner sounds like a SELFISH loser! Sorry to be so blunt.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now