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Just can't make decision around pregnancy and the stress is horrendous!

(20 Posts)
Jemima72 Fri 30-Aug-13 10:46:41

In a right state. Unplanned pregnancy and around ten weeks. Have a 11 year old from first marriage and then step kids of 19 and 24! Our lists of pros and cons have been worked on for three weeks on and we've confided in some very trusted friends who are really supportive of any decision. My heart says go ahead but my head is screaming no. I'd be 42 and Dad 45. We have lots of other stresses in life, really full on jobs- do we need another one no matter how much of gift I know it is too and could be the best thing ever. Sounding so selfish but trying to make the best decision all round for everyone in our lives is really tough! And the longer it's going on the more stressy it's becoming - anyone else been through this??? Thank you.

MummyJetsetter Fri 30-Aug-13 11:19:46

No advice sorry, I'm 30 and preggo with dc2 but just wanted to say you shouldn't feel bad if you decide not to keep the baby, I know I would think twice about having a baby in my 40's, celebs have made it fashionable but they get loads of help. I'm sure you haven't forgotten what hard work a baby is. You're getting to the point with current child where you can have some freedom back and in a few years go on all the holidays you couldn't go on with kids and couldn't afford when you were younger. Just do what's best for your life. x

MummyLuce Fri 30-Aug-13 11:21:10

I have been through it, slightly different background situ but same experience... Was quite young, hadnt been with boyf very long, no money, about to start PhD... Heart said yea, head was a resounding no! Anyway I followed my heart and now have a lovely little toddler and another on the way. Everything else worked itself out in the end. My thought was that I might really regret not going through with the pregnancy and I knew I wouldn't regret having it once it was born, whatever the situation.
I really feel for you, it's awful walking around being pregnant and not knowing whether to to be happy or not and not knowing what to do. Xx

badguider Fri 30-Aug-13 11:23:51

I think that you have to follow your heart otherwise it's your heart that won't forgive you.

I am pro-choice and have been there but I think that outside of abnormalities or health issues people should only terminate when they are 100% sure that's the right decision and you don't sound anything like 100%.

But good luck whatever you decide.

I've been there and I think if you can't decide definately to terminate then that's because your gut is to keep the pregnancy.
I think there is a temptation to believe that one option will be totally right and have no down sides when in fact that's not the case. What I'm saying is people will terminate and have regrets but those regrets don't mean it was the wrong thing to do. Equally people will continue and have times when they think 'WHYYYYYYYY' but that doesn't mean that was the wrong choice.
You need to do what you can best live with and tbh if you've taken three weeks and not booked a termination I think your heart is winning out. That's ok. We don't always have to go with our heads.

Pootles2010 Fri 30-Aug-13 11:27:20

Agree follow your heart. I had termination at 18 but my heart was telling me it wasn't right, so I've never regretted it.

Its bloody hard, I know. I agree with badguider - you don't sound like you want a termination.

Are you wanting someone to tell you it's ok to have the baby?

Follow your heart.

Peacenquiet2 Fri 30-Aug-13 11:34:07

I agree with whats been said above. Im on dc3 with unplanned pregnancy and believe me im still not used to the idea. Im 11 weeks and have loads of doubts but i decided to follow my heart. My reasoning is that i wont regret a new child in my life once here but would definitly have regretted termination.
Im 33 so not in my 40s but other circumstances such as financial issues are going to make it difficult.
On the other hand if a termination is right for you then i think you need to go with that.
BUT as the poster above said you sound far from sure about that and i think ultimately you need to make a desicion you can live with. Good luck whatever you decide x

Foxeym Fri 30-Aug-13 11:43:28

Hi I'm also 42 with 2 DD's of 15 and 12. I was only with my new partner for 4 months when I found out I was pregnant, a complete shock! We decided to go ahead and I'm now 33 weeks pregnant and although physically I have found it harder this time I'm so glad I went ahead, now really excited to meet our DS and counting down the weeks!

Jemima72 Fri 30-Aug-13 11:46:16

Thank you all so much for responding so quickly! I'm amazed. This is the first time I've been on here and can see how supportive it is. There are really good nuggets of wise advice in all of these and great to have totally impartial strangers advice as sometimes it can be 'too close to home'. More to think but really helpful.... thank you x x

absentmindeddooooodles Fri 30-Aug-13 11:58:41

My mum fell pregnant again when she was 42. Ibwas 21 at the time, and had younger siblings of 19 and 17. Physically she found it a little harder, although no massive complications at all. She works full time in quite a high stress job, and had to go back to work when baby was 41/2 months. Think this was the biggest shock to her system as she was a sahm with us three.

She says having a child later in life has been much easier in some ways and harder in othere. She has a different perspective on life now, and parents differentlyto 20 odd years ago. She is more tierd ( but the now 3 year old is a rascal)

I had a baby a year later almost to the day and our relationship has been lovely. Granted she did not get to do the real grandmother thing as she would have liked to. But she and none of us would change it for the world.

You need to take a look at your family dynamic.ould you all swing back into baby mode? Night feeds not being able to go out etc...

Thats the bit we all found hardest. We were all set up for adults. Then this little bundle came along and everything changed. Totally do-able but hard especiallyfor 17 yo sibling.

Dont feel bad whatever dexision you make. Personally speaking it spunds to me like you would rgret having a termination. Dont do something that you know you will always regret. X

MrsDeVere Fri 30-Aug-13 12:07:19

I think you should do what you feel is best for you.
I am not going to try and influence you at all. Just to share my experience of being an older mother.

I had DC5 at 42. I have found it pretty easy if I am honest. I do worry a bit about the future but I worry more about DS2 because of his SN's and I was in my mid 30s when we had him.

I don't find being an older mum harder than being a younger mum (I was 25 when I had DD).

I wish someone could make this easier for you but it has to be your decision. Best wishes.

SaucyJack Fri 30-Aug-13 12:08:09

I think to follow your gut instinct too.

Forget about the practicalities and just concentrate on deciding whether you want another baby right now.

Best of luck xx

Xenadog Fri 30-Aug-13 12:18:47

There isn't a right or wrong answer - it's just the consequences you choose to live with.

I had the same dilemma a few months ago and decided that if the child was healthy (I'm 40) I would continue with the pregnancy. It sort of felt easier letting the decision be taken out of my hands if that makes sense. Anyway neuchal screening came back good and all scans have been fine so I guess this LO is going be born in about 16 weeks and I am going to be a mum for the first time. (It was something I have never wanted).

I have struggled with seeing the baby as a gift or a blessing as everyone else regards it but I think the reason a pregnancy is 9 months long is so you have time to get your head around it. If you choose to keep the baby then you have time to get things in place regarding work and organising the older siblings into baby sitting duties(!) and then enjoy your gift. If you choose to terminate then accept you will need time to grieve for what you have lost and will probably always have the thought of "what if..?" in your mind.

Not an easy decision but just trust that you will make the right one for you. xxx

HerrenaHarridan Fri 30-Aug-13 12:56:58

If your not 100% don't do it.

If/ when dc is here you'll never look at their face and regret it no matter how hard it is sometimes.

If there is any chance you'll regret, the trauma from that can be crippling.

By all means if your certain, I'm by know stretch anti abortion. However your clearly uncertain and I have seen the pain it caused my friend.

Maybe we can advise better if you talk us through your pros/cons

working9while5 Fri 30-Aug-13 13:02:30

I am not at all antiabortion either but I agree you need to feel sure this is the right decision. Too much in your post says you want this pregnancy. There are decisions it's best to go with your head on but I'm not sure at all this is one of them.

Jemima72 Fri 06-Sep-13 17:29:24

Hi all. What a week of highs and lows. Your advice was so helpful and it made me realise that deep down I really did want this baby. I confided in my mum who was over the moon with joy and all of a sudden everything just felt totally right. Then I started I spot on Wednesday and scan later showed a missed miscarriage and although I thought I was 10 weeks it died around 8.5. So now I'm home and taken a week off - never been off sick ever at work so massive shock to all. I don't think I could have cried and sobbed anymore as all my grief of deep down regretting we hadn't actually tried to have a baby came out. Feel very sad and almost in state of panic now that knowin how much I clearly really want another child it may be too late :-( x

MrsDeVere Fri 06-Sep-13 17:44:12

You poor thing.

I am so sorry. I am not surprised you are distraught. sad

I had my youngest at 43 so you do have a chance. ( I am not suggesting that in anyway you can replace the one you have lost. I am responding to the 'too late' part of your post.)

evalluna Fri 06-Sep-13 18:06:43

I posted recently on a very similar situation and got lots of helpful advice and support,. Not sure how to link to thread but I posted in am i being unreasonable and title was 'to think having this baby can work'.
I am now 7 weeks pregnant - and still pregnant, despite a visit to the BPAS clinic considering termination. Again, unplanned third child, financial disaster (or at least struggle) and made huge list of cons and not that many pros. However, when it came down to it we couldn't not go ahead. I am now getting used to the idea though still early days. I think in the end, deep down I knew I would find it very difficult to go through with a termination and I was right. I don't think anyone can tell you what to do but maybe you have to go with your gut instinct.

evalluna Fri 06-Sep-13 18:08:32

oh, really sorry, posted before reading all the thread. Hope you are taking care of yourself, and all the best in the future whatever you decide to do about trying again.

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