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Visitors after the birth.

(71 Posts)
Writerwannabe83 Sun 25-Aug-13 10:08:12

Morning all smile

I'm just after your thoughts please after a mini disagreement me and hubby had last night about how quickly to allow visitors into the hospital after the baby is born. We were chatting away and I said I wouldn't tell anybody for absolute hours as I would hate loads of people to descend on me at once. I said I would like to have some quiet time as a family, enjoy our new addition, have all the lovely skin to skin, establish breast feeding, get to know our baby a little etc etc and not have it instead passed from visitor to visitor.

He was not in agreement and said he would like his parents present at the hospital from as soon as labour starts and for them to come into us as soon as the baby is born. He said it would mean a lot to his parents and it is what they would want too - which it would be.

My facial expression said it all and he said, "We'll you can be the one to tell her she can't be there (the MIL) and I don't want to be with you when you do!"

I told him I had absolutely no problem in telling her that!! grin

I was really shocked by his reaction to my thoughts on how I wanted things to be. Or am I being unreasonable??

Writerwannabe83 Tue 27-Aug-13 08:07:52

I guess I'm also just worried that with the PIL only living 13 doors away they will be here all the time - and I just don't want that. I would just want my own space and time with my family. I'm sure they would understand it if I told them that, but I just don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

Maybe I can just let hubby take the baby round whilst I get some sleep smile There's a positive I hadn't thought of.....

sameoldIggi Mon 26-Aug-13 11:00:05

Struggling to think why my four year old would have benefitted from watching someone slice my stomach open and pull out his baby brother. Or see me looking scared, or losing blood etc. or why my in-laws would have wanted to be there either!

EmilyAlice Mon 26-Aug-13 10:43:23

May I add a comment as a grandparent? I would never have expected to wait at the hospital or be present at the birth of my four grandchildren. DGD1 arrived after a 45 minute labour so they barely got there, never mind anyone else. We visited the next day for an hour with SiL's parents and I stayed for 3 days at my DD's request to help when they came home the same evening. For DGD2 I was there to look after DGD1. We didn't visit as the baby was born at midnight and home by 10am. Again I stayed for a few days to cook, clean and give them a break when the baby cried in the night. My DD and SiL have always said how much they appreciated it, but I was very careful not to outstay my welcome and I had to go back to work anyway. My son lives in another country; I met DGS at five weeks and DGD3 at four months. I love them to bits, though I am a bit sad that I didn't see them as young babies. It makes no difference to our relationship now. I was amazed by the overwhelming love I felt for by grandchildren when they were born and time has deepened the relationship. I know that as a grandparent I have no rights, but I am lucky that my children see us as an important part of their children's lives, even though we all live in different countries and grand-parenting by Skype is a big part of it.

Writerwannabe83 Mon 26-Aug-13 10:25:50

I agree Bun, when my sister had her 2nd baby the first I heard of it was when I received a text from her partner to let me know she'd been born!!! It felt amazing to suddenly get that news and I was so excited!!!

When she'd had her first baby, her partner had told me that labour had started as soon as they arrived at the hospital and all it did was worry me for 8 hours, wondering if everything was ok and generally just feeling impatient and stressed.

My ideal plan: nobody knows the labour/ELCS is happening, the baby is born, the husband can let people know but we say no visitors for 24 hours smile

Bunbaker Mon 26-Aug-13 10:15:30

"We have decided that we will tell our parents when we are off to the hospital so they are kept informed"

Why do they need to know at all? You will only put them through several hours of nail-biting stress. I would just wait until after the event.

I really don't get why people have to know when someone goes into labour, unless you need childcare.

Loobylou123 Mon 26-Aug-13 10:09:19

We have decided that we will tell our parents when we are off to the hospital so they are kept informed but that once baby is here we will call again to make decisions about visiting times then. There seems no point in parents coming to wait at the hospital. Firstly our hospital made it quite clear there was no designated waiting space, also it could be a good 24 hour wait! We thought this would work as if things go well we may be dying to show our baby off. If things are more difficult and I need recovery time or baby needs extra help feeding etc we can ask people to come once we get home or once we have had a rest etc.
I'm sure MIL will understand, after all she went through this too smile

Bunbaker Mon 26-Aug-13 10:08:23

I just googled my local hospital to check visiting hours and found this:

For the maternity ward, partners and the patient’s other children (under 14’s) can visit between 10:00am – 8:00pm. Other family and friends are able to visit between 2:00pm and 4:30pm and 6:30 and 8:00pm.

I suggest you do the same.

mrspaddy Mon 26-Aug-13 10:02:41

There is a big difference to having support and a visit from grandparents to them actually waiting outside during the birth!!

I love my mil but she has cop on.. She wouldn't intrude like that. It is for reasons like that makes for a mutually respectful relationship.

On a practical level, check the visiting hours the hospital. I know at mine, it is strictly partners due to infection risks etc outside of strict visiting hours. Also you can have a quiet word with a midwife and say you need a rest. We have been told we can ask for this.

Maybe have a quiet word with mil, she might totally agree that you need time on your on to shower, bond etc. maybe word it carefully and let her know she is a big part of this. Ask her advice on things etc. She will probably be very supportive.

TarkaTheOtter Mon 26-Aug-13 09:55:02

If you're very early on I'd expect this he hasn't really thought this through and considered the logistics (and if first baby he probably doesn't know the logistics).
If you turn this into an argument now he will dig his feet in. Let him discover himself that this is a silly idea (mil may well set him straight herself). If he's still keen in the third trimester, then is the time to have a proper discussion with him and mil about why it's not going to happen like that.

During/after the birth, you (not the baby) are the patient so you do get final say IMO. Can't you honour PIL by saying they will be first to know and first visitors ONCE you have recovered and sorted yourself out a bit.

Hospital visiting times are quite short and well controlled though so generally quite good places to have visitors. Also you can't be expected to provide tea and refreshments like some people seem to expect once you are home.

Meglet Mon 26-Aug-13 09:38:25

Try and keep them away for as long as you can.

I had people descend on me hours after my EMCS, while I was still in the high-dependency ward. It was wretched being watched being in severe pain, being sick, still being hooked up to a drip and trying to bf while being gawped at. 7yrs on it still upsets me. I don't understand the fascination with a new baby, the mother should be left in peace until she is ready for visitors whether that's 3 hours or 3 weeks.

Speak to your mil and tell her how upset you feel about the situation. I am sure she will understand.

As for a viewing window, WTF???

I think even our super shite nhs would see that as a privacy and dignity issue.

Bambamb Mon 26-Aug-13 08:52:54

Ugh me too. Viewing window sounds so disrespectful to the woman.

Kelly1814 Mon 26-Aug-13 08:44:28

a VIEWING WINDOW for people to watch you giving birth??!!

jesus wept!!! it is a hospital not a zoo! you are not a giant panda!!!!

this has actually made me feel pyhsically sick.

Bunbaker Mon 26-Aug-13 08:37:30

"And you don't think she should be involved in the birth of his child? Good grief.

At my hospital there is a whanau room (family room) next to the Caesar theatre with a viewing window. Family members are in there watching (the norm is both sets of parents/in laws, plus children) while the birth partner is in theatre.

Mum and baby are wheeled from theatre straight back to delivery. Family is either waiting in the room when they get back or meets us in the corridor and walks back with us."

That sounds horrendous. Which country is that in?

ovenbun Mon 26-Aug-13 06:49:51

Maybe at your next midwife appointment she can back you up on all this? Although it is lovely to have close family, I think having your first baby is a time when you distinguish yourselves as your own little family, and all the ground rules etc that requires..this little baby belongs to you both first, and I think it's lovely to have a few hours just being parents, and only you knowing about your little one...It does sound like your DH has a little bit of an unrealistic expectation of how straightforward this will all be, many ELCS get pushed over a couple of days due to emergency section cases. It is unlikely to be a case of in at 8.00, in theatre at 9.00, because its isn't really like a usual theatre list. Perhaps chat with him and explain that it will likely be a few hours before you are well enough for the post natal ward. And that although you are pleased that your baby has loving grandparents, he/she is your baby, and needs time to get to know you both first smile also for the first couple of hours you will probably want your baby skin to skin and nuzzling to bring your milk in, so there won't be much opportunity for nanny cuddles...if you can't have quality with your baby just after they are born..when can you have it?

fuckwittery Mon 26-Aug-13 02:49:14

Hwo does your husband feel about his parents being there seeing you topless doing skin to skin trying to estblish breastfeeding and latching on? You need to say no way, you will be breatsfeeding your new baby.

Also agree he has an unrealistic view of what hapens at planned c sections, you go in 8am, all planned sections for that day do, if any emergencies you may be delayed, when I gave birth to dd2 there were people bumped from one day to the next so had been waiting in hosp all day, and then I would be jumping the queue the following day when offered a planned section, but needed to happen that day.

Then you come out op theatre into recovery, then the labour ward, no visitors allowed, can be a few hours after the actual op before you get onto the postnatal ward. I suggest you discuss with your mw with your husband present hopefully she can get him to see what a mad idea it is.

Also, you are bleeding heavily (dont escape vaginal bleeding with section), have people coming in to check your pads, give you a suppository, check your catheter etc. It is also major abdominal surgery and aside from the baby YOU need to say when you are ready for visitors.

SaucyJack Mon 26-Aug-13 00:23:22

No offence VixZen but that sounds awful, and dreadfully intrusive. Don't panic tho OP, viewing windows to watch you birthing are absolutely not the norm in the UK.

And yes, I know I said I loved having visitors, but that was long after the gory bits were over and I'd had a chance to shower and put my fadge back in the pants.

SeriousStuff Mon 26-Aug-13 00:14:42

We've been stressing about the exact same thing and decided we'll probably contact parents and siblings from the hospital once the baby is born (I'd hate the added pressure of people waiting for news), and hopefully manage initial visits while I'm still at the hospital (but not until the next day). Then we really want to have the first 2 weeks to ourselves to enjoy it and get into a routine, then we'll organise other, short, visits.

VixZenFenchell Mon 26-Aug-13 00:03:51

What a lot of drama over a current non situation.

This woman was in your situation a few decades ago, when she gave birth to your husband. And you don't think she should be involved in the birth of his child? Good grief.

At my hospital there is a whanau room (family room) next to the Caesar theatre with a viewing window. Family members are in there watching (the norm is both sets of parents/in laws, plus children) while the birth partner is in theatre.

Mum and baby are wheeled from theatre straight back to delivery. Family is either waiting in the room when they get back or meets us in the corridor and walks back with us.

It's amazing seeing the new baby welcomed into such warm and loving families. I wish I'd had that experience and not felt so alone after the birth of my sons.

SaucyJack Sun 25-Aug-13 23:53:16

Do remember that you won't have any idea about how you'll feel re visitors until after you've given birth.

Personally, I couldn't wait to show my babies off. A week spent in bed at home on my own would be my idea of Hell.

Fakebook Sun 25-Aug-13 23:44:12

From experience, yanbu. This time I'm telling the midwives not to let any visitors come and see me. I think I'll ask them to tell anyone who tries to come onto the ward that I need my rest and to go away.

Last time my brother and his wife came into the labour room whilst I was in the shower and met my baby without me there. My bra and pants with the sanitary towel still attached (thanks DH for not clearing things up!) were just lying about on the chairs and my brother must have seen it all...I was mortified. Then they left my dad with me for 5 hours whilst I was having after pains and I had to give him my hospital food because he's old and hadn't eaten all day. I really resent them for doing that. <mutters a few choice swear words at the memory>

Don't have visitors if you don't want them. Tell the midwives to send them away.

MummyJetsetter Sun 25-Aug-13 23:10:00

It's pointless them waiting at the hospital, they'll be bored even if you have a quick 5-6 hour labour! My labour was 6 hours and even I was bored! After having my ds I sat having my lunch the next day in the dining room of the birthing ward and there was a woman sat there whilst her grandchild was being born, she was just sat there for hours and couldn't do a thing! Like people have said they won't get in to see you anyway until visiting hours and you're showered and fed. Your dh is being a bit silly! x

Romily Sun 25-Aug-13 23:02:52

When I had my daughter the whole family came to visit in the hospital and I felt completely overwhelmed. As such I have decided that there will be no visitors to the hops this time except for my hubby and daughter, the rest of the family will meet our new arrival when I am home and feeling a bit better.

Mamabear12 Sun 25-Aug-13 22:23:27

Oh and I should mention, both sets of grandparents live out of the country, or they would probably all be waiting at hospital (or at least for the call to come visit) after baby is born smile

Mamabear12 Sun 25-Aug-13 22:21:25

I wouldn't be so bothered if the grand parents wanted to visit right away and wait while I'm in labour! In fact, it would make me feel happy that they want to be there! But then again, I plan to have my mother in the delivery room with me and my husband, as we did first time around. If my husband wanted his parents to view baby shortly after (once all checks have been done), then of course, I would be more then happy for them to meet the new addition.

But I guess everyone is different. My sister was surprised we wanted my mom staying with us for a few weeks right after birth. She thought we would want that baby moon period and bonding as a family. However, we were both so happy my mom was there at birth and a few weeks after! We were sad when she left and now, happy she is coming back for baby two smile now if only she could stay longer then three weeks!

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