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Argument with husband :(

(18 Posts)
C4ALR Thu 22-Aug-13 11:11:30

I'm 23 weeks pg, my husband has had ago at me last night because I wanted to go to my mums who smokes, he told me I should tell her to stop smoking when I'm around or I ain't going in there!
I snapped and said u can't tell me what to do and not to do also how can I go into somebody else's house and tell them to stop smoking?
This has caused a massive row he won't even talk to me says I shouldn't be a mother if i won't stand up for myself, now I keep crying and don't no what to do?
Am I in the wrong or is he.

X

ThisIsMySpareName Thu 22-Aug-13 11:13:46

He's right about the smoking but wrong to tell you that you can't go.

Are you going to ask your mom not to smoke when the baby comes?

Have you seen your mum since you got pg? Has she smoked around you before? I wouldn't assume she would smoke with you in the house, unless she has done it before, tbh.

If she has, then your DH sounds very sweet to be so protective, but you are a grown up, and can do as you like. I wouldn't go, but then I worry about everything, even walking past smokers in the street!

LaRosaBella Thu 22-Aug-13 11:19:12

As long as she doesn't smoke around you, I can't see the issue. Also your husband should not speak to you like that, if he has concerns there are better and more respectful ways of speaking to you rather than telling you what to do and telling you, you shouldn't be a mum. That is not an insult to throw around lightly.

C4ALR Thu 22-Aug-13 11:20:23

Yer she's already said she won't smoke around a baby, it was just the way it was said.

Today I feel awful I really dnt think he is gonna forgive me cos he says its not the point that iv said il tell her to stop smoking now its the fact I was gonna go in there and not even have it cross my mind x

redcaryellowcar Thu 22-Aug-13 11:26:06

He is 100% right for protecting you and your baby from very harmful second hand smoke, unfortunately people who do smoke often do not see the problem and especially being a family member makes it all the more emotional dealing with it.
My ils smoke and had done so out of the window with sils children. When I was pg with ds my dh and I said absolutely not and this did cause quite a bit of controversy, when I mentioned to gp she wisely said was most likely that they felt guilty with hindsight about exposing their other grandchildren to it!

C4ALR Thu 22-Aug-13 11:27:45

She has done yer but I normally just move away, go in the garden or what ever but it just annoyed me the way he said it I think.

I do agree with him I just don't no what to do now, don't no how to make the peace I know he cares but I'm scared he won't forgive me, hormones prob dnt help but I just needed to speak to someone x

chattychattyboomba Thu 22-Aug-13 11:32:08

He is right to feel protective over your baby (and his)... But he is wrong to accuse you of not being a good mother for not being more outspoken. The two are separate issues and that was a low blow on his behalf. I would feel utterly crap if DH told me in any way shape or form I am unfit as a mother.

LaRosaBella Thu 22-Aug-13 11:32:09

He still shouldn't speak to you like that, he's your husband and should voice his concerns respectfully not ordering what you should or should not do and no way was it ok for him to say you shouldn't be a mother....

C4ALR Thu 22-Aug-13 11:36:07

Think I need to admit I was wrong about the smoking then address the issue of the way he spoke to me after I think.
Thanks for all ur support everyone x

LEMisdisappointed Thu 22-Aug-13 11:47:56

you are scared he wont forgive you?

Well, heres a thing, he said you weren't suitable as a mother because you can't stand up for yourself. Hes right, stand up for yourself now - TO HIM!!! Tell him you shall visit who you damn well please and until HE is the one wtih the baby inside him, he has no say in the matter. I would actually ask your mother not to smoke around you though, but thats something that YOU should decide on.

Maybe use this opportunity to support your mum in giving up smoking?

C4ALR Thu 22-Aug-13 11:58:28

Mmm, that's sounds right im just such a laid back person and hate upsetting anyone or doing things that make me feel uncomfortable.

I'm gonna have to speak to him tho cos I start work in half hour and I can't think about anything else.
I love him so much and hate feeling like this I wish I had just agreed with him last night cos I can see he's right now it was just he got my back up and then u end up saying things u don't e mcen mean x

Bowlersarm Thu 22-Aug-13 12:02:16

Don't be a doormat OP.

It's a very cruel think to say to a pregnant woman she "shouldn't be a mother", whatever the circumstances are.

Please make sure that when you have the baby he doesn't say that you "shouldn't be a mother" because of some misdemeanour he thinks you have carried out. It's demeaning, and will affect your self esteem.

Nip it in the bud now.

C4ALR Thu 22-Aug-13 12:11:40

Yer I am going to cos it's really hurt me cos we've been so much to get pregnant had fertility treatment to succeed its taken 3 yrs so I want it so bad x

LaRosaBella Thu 22-Aug-13 12:24:07

You need to make it very clear that talking to you like that is unacceptable and make sure he gets it before the baby is born, because when its 4 in the morning and the baby wont stop crying and you're both tired and irritated he needs to know that chucking around those kinds of insults will not be tolerated.

LaRosaBella Thu 22-Aug-13 12:29:10

Also what do you mean scared he won't forgive you!! You've done nothing that needs forgiving, he should be apologising.

C4ALR Thu 22-Aug-13 18:02:04

I think l

C4ALR Thu 22-Aug-13 18:05:10

I think looking back now I dnt no y I said I wouldn't tell my mum cos I do agree with him, it's just a rubbish situation it don't help him and my family dnt get on too great they get on for my sake I think even if they say different.

On way home now to face a grumpy husband I expect he is a nightmare for solkin for days after a row x

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