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Dealing with gender disappointment - sorry for another thread

(123 Posts)
BoyMeetsWorld Fri 12-Jul-13 06:03:36

Really sorry for another gender disappointment thread; I know these create mixed emotions hmm really just need to get thoughts down in writing and talk to others as a way of moving forward.

So I already have an amazing DS who I brought up originally as a single mum and is my world. Now married (different dad) and DH & I are expecting. Found out yday at scan that baby is healthy and another boy.

DH is ecstatic as are his family - for them it's all about carrying on the family name. DS not really interested (he's 4) but mildly pleased that he guessed the correct gender. Lots of well meaning friends & family messaging me how sorry they are for me as everybody knew I had my heart set on a girl.

I really really did. I feel so alone in my family of boys sometimes - even the dog is a boy. Of course I love them, but I can't get excited about boy games, toys and tv programmes. In fact, all the trains and cars and fighting figures all over my pretty little house drive me insane. I'm not the sporty type, don't want to be getting dirty and play fighting. They mess everywhere up and don't care, make the toilets smelly, hate shopping and couldn't care less about watching any girly programmes or having pamper time.

My MIL messaged me when we found out saying at least il get "me" time now & to make sure DH takes them out lots to do boy things. But that's precisely what I didn't want...I feel so alone and like im grieving for the princess I'd imagined, named and planned life with.

I know boys are super affectionate. DS tells me lovely things regularly. That's part of the issue too - I can't imagine loving another boy as much as him: I've already got my little man.

I know this will anger some people but I can't help how I feel. I've cried almost constantly since we found out yesterday and haven't been able to sleep all night. Dreading going into work and facing everyone.

I need some ways to cope. I'm not convinced by the logic that when baby pops out everything will change and il adore him too. I didn't even overly want another baby - I did it for DH because he's taken on me and DS and desperately wanted one of his own. Now I feel so empty. I can't bond with the thought or with any names. Please tell me this will get better confused

sheeplikessleep Sun 14-Jul-13 07:31:04

Just to say we are expecting ds3 and felt similar at 20 week scan. I guess I envisaged always having a daughter at some point, I grew up with two sisters and just 'get' girls more. However, time really does help. I am due in a few weeks and cannot wait for my third and final little boy. I think it just takes time to get your head around a new family structure. If my new baby boy is as gorgeous and scrumptious as my first two, I feel so lucky and blessed.
i just wanted to say that time does change feelings. Don't be hard on yourself. Maybe you will always have a little yearning to have had a daughter, but I bet in time, you wouldn't change that little boy growing inside you for the world.
the time i knew i was over it, was when someone said 'what a shame' when they found out my dc3 was a boy. I felt so protective and defensive towards him and this lioness anger at this woman. How dare she show disappointment at my baby inside me. I didn't, but i felt this primal urge to push her to the ground!!
congrats by the way

Tiredemma Sun 14-Jul-13 07:39:50

I totally understand your point OP.

I had DS1 in september 2000- Found out I was PG with DS2 when he was two years old. Secretly hoped for a Girl- but found out at 20 week scan that I was expecting another boy. Accepting of this and happy overall that I was having another healthy baby.
DS2 born in July 2003-

DS1 is the advert for any sporting boy/child- naturally gifted in sports.
DS2 should have been born a girl- not interested in sports, has no friends who are boys- obsessed with dolls/hair etc. Like to come shopping with me and is a great little 'stylist'!

So the girl I secretly hoped for is strangely within DS2 (the things I imagined a little girl doing that was different to DS1)

DS1 and DP will go off every weekend to Rugby or Cricket- Ds2 and I will go shopping and visit elderly aunts and grandmothers where he gets to hemp them sort out their jewellery hmm

IM now PG with DC3 (BIG SHOCK AND TOTALLY UNPLANNED!!)
So ill have a DS1 13 complete 'boy'
DS2 10 boy only by word - very much 'girly'

DC3 is a girl........ and I bet she will be tomboy.....

eightytwenty Sun 14-Jul-13 08:39:52

Boy - I did cry when my niece was born when ds2 was born, not very nice I know. But when my brother announced after the 20 week scan that they were having a girl (who is 6 weeks older than dd1), I didn't feel upset at all. So yes the feelings did change and get easier for me.

Tired - your ds1&2 sound the exact reverse of mine. Ds1 came with me to visit an elderly family friend in hospital yesterday because he wanted to! He definitely isn't a traditional boy.

Robotindisguise Sun 14-Jul-13 09:50:13

I was thinking about this thread yesterday. Pre-children - before even meeting DH - I wanted a baby very much and even had a very strong mental image of what she (and it was a she) would look like. So when I was pregnant with DD1 I did want a girl. But of course when she came out she looked nothing like the baby I'd thought of all those years! And it was easy to laugh at myself and move on - but I wonder if I'd had boys rather than girls whether I'd be able to have let go of my "dream baby" so easily...

lovemybabyboy Sun 14-Jul-13 12:03:04

I am currently 39+2wks pregnant with DS3!! I would have loved to have a girl, to do all the girly things with, do her hair, dress her up in pretty dresses etc. BUT I am so looking forward to my DS3 being born, he is going to fit right in and I love my two boys so much, can't imagine not having either of them in place for a girl. I love sitting on the couch watching my boys playing rough and tumble with their daddy, that is the best!
The thing that annoys me is everyone assuming that I must be disappointed to be having another boy!! I mean yes I would have liked to have a girl but in no way am I disappointed to be having another boy! He is healthy and that is all that matters! I am so in love with him already and have not even met him yet. I hate telling people that I am having another boy because the only reaction I ever get is "Awww, did you want a girl?" Like said in a disappointed, feeling sorry for me kind of way!!! I always say no I didn't want a girl! grin

Writerwannabe83 Sun 14-Jul-13 13:00:53

Me and my partner haven't even got pregnant yet and I worry about things like this.

I would never want to find out the sex at the 20 week scan because I love the whole excitement of the surprise element, but my hubby has said he'd love to know.

When we do get pregnant (soon hopefully) he has made it quite clear he would like a boy. He told me that if we had a boy he would be happy to have just the one child, but if we had a girl he would want to try again to see if we could get a boy.

I think this is another reason I wouldn't want to find out at the scan - I would be heartbroken if the sonographer said it was a girl because all I would be thinking is, "I bet my husband is disappointed, what if he doesn't love her?" However, if we don't find out the sex and then I give birth to a girl I know that he will be full of so much love and happiness that he won't care what sex the baby is.

I have four girls, and i am 15wks pregnant with no5, but all i care about right now is that my child will be healthy and happy.
I'm fed up with comments from people already assuming we got pregnant just to concieve a boy and it drives me nuts.

1 out of 4 of my girls is a tomboy who likes to climb trees, wear boys clothes, watch football and get covered in mud so it doesn't matter what sex you prefer your child may be feminine or masuculine whether male or female. Babies are babies and even if you got the sex you wanted once out of babyhood you will not be able to stereotype them in to girlie girl or macho boy so be happy with what you have and that they are healthy.

Alot of mothers only hope is for a healthy child, put things into perspective and just be happy you have a healthy baby and embrace what you have!

workingonitagain Sun 14-Jul-13 14:24:51

lovemybabyboy i completely agree with you. im pregnant with dc3 and its very looks like its another boy but i got to the stage where id rather say we don't know what we are having as it gets so boring and upsetting having to explain that i am ok with it and no im not gutted smile never mind we know how we feel and its nobody elses business smile

figroenewald Fri 24-Jan-14 14:15:13

Please see my thread under the Media Section, I'm researching Gender Disappointment to raise awareness of it and would love to talk to you.

siblingrevelry Fri 24-Jan-14 14:32:50

Surely if you're saying you originally hadn't wanted to have another child you wouldn't have ever had a daughter anyway-this way, your new little boy is a bonus?

Fishandjam Fri 24-Jan-14 14:47:17

Look on the bright side OP. For many years, you will have a household where all the other occupants are totally in love with you. Mothers of daughters usually have a phase where their daughters have eyes only for their dad.

greentshirt Fri 24-Jan-14 14:51:33

This is another really old thread, check the dates everyone!!!

Fishandjam Fri 24-Jan-14 14:52:50

Oh arse...

PenguinsDontEatKale Fri 24-Jan-14 15:39:45

Though if the OP is still around, it would be interesting to know how she feels now her baby is here. Might be helpful for people OP?

IrnBruTheNoo Fri 24-Jan-14 19:08:06

"I can't get excited about boy games, toys"

Really? They're much better than girls toys, and such a variety to play with IMO/IME. I cannot see anything exciting about Barbie dolls or Lelly Kelly shoes, sorry.

Inglori0us Fri 24-Jan-14 19:28:05

I know exactly how you feel. Ignore those saying you shouldn't have got pregnant again, it's a stupid and heartless thing to say. You never really know how you will feel until you're faced with the facts and the emotions they generate.
I'm expecting a ds, and I really wanted another dd. I've accepted it now and I never doubted I'd adore this little boy, but I felt sad for what I perceived i'd "lost".
I always imagined having "my girls" for example, and I have all dd's clothes in the loft which will never be worn by another dd of mine. I found it heartbreaking for a while and I was consumed by guilt. I cried after my gender scan, and on an off in private for a week or 2 after. We've struggled to think of boys names too.
Having a son seems so unknown to me, but now he's nearly here I can't wait to meet him.
You will feel better. It will just take a little bit of time.

Doobydoo Fri 24-Jan-14 19:37:02

I have 2 sons..one of 14 the other 6...they are fab!!
My first child a daughter died.
The only thing I find is that as I have never been a boy...don't always know how they tick...they are my children....Love 'em!

Howly Sat 25-Jan-14 09:15:20

I hate shopping, love geology and geography, getting outdoors and messing around in the mud!! My younger brother hates getting dirty, loves shopping and fashion and will watch all the girls tv when he visits my mum! My dad always says we were born the wrong way round but wouldn't have it any other way!! I'm now 14 weeks pg with 1st baby, And husband is dying for a boy to watch the footy with (a little mini him) I don't care as long as its a healthy little bundle!!

In our family we have such a mix of children and none stick to stereotypes!!

A friend of mine also has a very independent little girl and a clinging little mummies boy who just wants to be hugged and cwtch down with mum all the time ... So you never know what character your lovely little boy #2 is going to be!

Wuxiapian Sat 25-Jan-14 09:20:31

I hope the OP managed to pull herself together and is enjoying her son.

"all the trains and cars and fighting figures all over my pretty little house drive me insane. I'm not the sporty type, don't want to be getting dirty and play fighting. They mess everywhere up and don't care, make the toilets smelly, hate shopping and couldn't care less about watching any girly programmes or having pamper time."

I know loads of guys who love watching the Kardashians with a fot spa. I'm not kidding, and some are gay and some are not. They're just people who like those things.
What if you had a girl who messed up everywhere and didn't care, made the toilets smelly and hated shopping? Would she be condemned to a life of never being quite the daughter her mother wanted??

Right now, you are carrying a person and you have to wait and see if they are interested in the same things as you or not, regardless of gender

LH1981 Sat 25-Jan-14 20:33:30

I understand completely boymeetsworld, I'm currently very early in my 3rd (and last) pregnancy.

I have two amazing boys. At first, we were only planning on 2 children. When I found out that my second was another boy, I was a little disappointed, but not for long and now I couldn't imagine it any other way. They are so close and just fab fab fab.

But, I want my little girl. To deny it would be to lie to myself. Of course, when I find out the gender (which I will if poss), if I'm having another boy, I will love that little boy as fiercely as my other two. But, I will have a cry for a while before he's born, for the little girl I won't have.

I will be thinking of the adult mother-daughter relationship that will never be, planning her wedding together, my dh giving her away, being there for her when she has her own children etc etc. The relationship with grown-up boys is different. Of course these things are all abstract concepts that may have never happened anyway. Not all mothers and daughters are close, not all daughters will want to get married or have children etc, but it's the dream that I'll be grieving for - however briefly.

1944girl Sun 26-Jan-14 20:35:07

I know this is an old thread. I don't come onto this board often as I am now a grandmother. This thread caught my eye so I hope you don't mind me dropping in.

I am often on the childbirth threads about C-sections as I had no one to talk to when I had mine.I will not go into all the details on here as they are irrevelant to this thread but I will just say that I had to make my second child my last baby on medical advice.
When I was pregnant there were no gender scans, in fact there were no scans at all.Result was you did not know what you were having until baby arrived.My first baby was a boy, and I was overjoyed because I had a live, healthy baby which nearly was not the case.When I got pregnant with my second I knew this would most likely have to be the last.I thought that it would be nice to have a girl this time but I was more concerned with a happy outcome.I also had the tubal tie done during the birth.
When I woke from the GA I was so thankful I had survived, then one of the nurses told me I had had a baby boy.I said ''Is he alright?''answer was yes.
Then I was told my tubes had been tied so I would not have to go through this again.
I was slightly dissapointed about not having a girl, as I knew this was my final child.I consoled myself with the fact he was a normal healthy baby although I had yet to see him at that point. I was introduced to my second son two days later, he had been in SCBU which was usual in those days for babies born by C-section.He looked like a skinned rabbit but to me he was the most beautiful baby in the world.
What really upset me was the remarks made by other people especially when they found out I had had my tubes tied. what a shame you did not get a girl this time since now you can have no more.My MIL even reminded me that by having the tubal tie I had commited a mortal sin in the Catholic church so there was no hope for my salvation!.Imagine that on top of gender dissapointment.
Girls dominate on my side of the family.I am one of four daughters, we only have one brother.My mother doted on him as he was the only boy.
Only one of my sisters had a son, all the others had girls.I got over my girl dissapointment by buying lots of girly stuff for my nieces.I adored my two boys.Being the only female in the house set me apart and I enjoyed every minute of it.
Then DS2 grew up and his girlfriend became pregnant.They got married and lo and behold the baby was a girl.DH and were over the moon.DH had also longed for a daughter,We now had a beautiful grandaughter to spoil and I had a whale of a time buying her lovely little dresses and having my girly bonding dreams.DS2 and his wife had two more children, both girls again.Everything I had missed was now being fulfilled as regards girls.God did not send me any daughters, but gave me beautiful grandaughters instead. DS2 gave me two more grandchildren, by wife 2.A boy followed by another girl.
My third grandaughter lives with me.Reasons why I am not going into in detail except to say she and her mother were having problems.She is 17 now.She is, I am sad to say, addicted to drugs.A one time premature baby who had to fight for her life at birth.A very beautiful looking girl who is now trying to overcome her addiction.Life is not easy with her.
You never know how your children are going to turn out, regardless of gender.They are not little dolls to dress up, they grow up.Although some daughters remain girly girls and are their mother's best friends etc. this is not always the case.I have been sharply reminded of this fact.
Sorry to harp on.
OP I hope you have now got your lovely little boy.I know you love him.

user4111 Mon 27-Jan-14 11:57:32

I know this thread is old, but if anyone reading it would like to help with my research into Gender Disappointment (hearing the voices of mothers struggling with it), please see my thread under Media Requests. Many thanks

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