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Dealing with gender disappointment - sorry for another thread

(123 Posts)
BoyMeetsWorld Fri 12-Jul-13 06:03:36

Really sorry for another gender disappointment thread; I know these create mixed emotions hmm really just need to get thoughts down in writing and talk to others as a way of moving forward.

So I already have an amazing DS who I brought up originally as a single mum and is my world. Now married (different dad) and DH & I are expecting. Found out yday at scan that baby is healthy and another boy.

DH is ecstatic as are his family - for them it's all about carrying on the family name. DS not really interested (he's 4) but mildly pleased that he guessed the correct gender. Lots of well meaning friends & family messaging me how sorry they are for me as everybody knew I had my heart set on a girl.

I really really did. I feel so alone in my family of boys sometimes - even the dog is a boy. Of course I love them, but I can't get excited about boy games, toys and tv programmes. In fact, all the trains and cars and fighting figures all over my pretty little house drive me insane. I'm not the sporty type, don't want to be getting dirty and play fighting. They mess everywhere up and don't care, make the toilets smelly, hate shopping and couldn't care less about watching any girly programmes or having pamper time.

My MIL messaged me when we found out saying at least il get "me" time now & to make sure DH takes them out lots to do boy things. But that's precisely what I didn't want...I feel so alone and like im grieving for the princess I'd imagined, named and planned life with.

I know boys are super affectionate. DS tells me lovely things regularly. That's part of the issue too - I can't imagine loving another boy as much as him: I've already got my little man.

I know this will anger some people but I can't help how I feel. I've cried almost constantly since we found out yesterday and haven't been able to sleep all night. Dreading going into work and facing everyone.

I need some ways to cope. I'm not convinced by the logic that when baby pops out everything will change and il adore him too. I didn't even overly want another baby - I did it for DH because he's taken on me and DS and desperately wanted one of his own. Now I feel so empty. I can't bond with the thought or with any names. Please tell me this will get better confused

redcaryellowcar Fri 12-Jul-13 06:17:42

I only have one ds so not sure I can help much but the way I look at it is my ds is a great advert for boys, I grew up in a house with sister mum and step father and many female pets most of my cousins were girls so when ds arrived he was quite a novelty! I am so pleased he is a boy and mums of other boys always say how loving and loyal they are.
hope you get on ok today. not sure if this helps, didn't want to read and run.

workingtitle Fri 12-Jul-13 06:19:39

Someone will come along and say something more insightful, but I just wanted to say it will get better. I had similar feelings albeit for very different reasons. But the rational part of my brain (!) has come around now.
I think the issue is partly that, at the moment, the baby is still an abstract--you are imagining this little human and what they'll be like. I honestly, honestly think that when you meet him you'll adore him no problem. Try to think of the baby as a person rather than a boy or girl - not easy I know when everything is so geared towards creating such a binary. Focus on what physical characteristics they might inherit from you and your DH, what traits...
It will get better, but give yourself a bit of time to have these feelings and work through them.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 12-Jul-13 06:44:53

I have two sons, they are both wonderful, loving and very very different. You will not just have a smaller version of your DS, you will have another child.

If you had had a DD, she could easily not have been as you have imagined. A tomboy who liked cars and climbing trees rather than a 'princess' - WTF??- who liked shopping and pampering. Not all girls and women like such things, I know I don't.

I suggest that you learn to like cars and dirt and being outdoors, and building things and looking at trains - if those are the things that your sons are interested in - otherwise you will be lonely, and it will be your own doing because you will have isolated yourself from your family.

I'm not going to say 'there there', because you shouldn't have planned a child if you weren't prepared to love it regardless of gender.

shelley72 Fri 12-Jul-13 06:45:39

Babies are just that. Babies. By the time your little one grows he will have a personality that you will have grown to love and you will wonder why you worried. I found when pg with my second that I worried about the impact on my my first, how could I ever love another being as much? But you do. You really do.

At the moment you are at the mercy of all those crazy hormones so be kind to yourself. Fwiw my second baby WAS a girl, and she is the least girly girl you could ever meet. If I'm painting toes, going out for coffee/shopping it's ds who wants to join in, not her. She is happy getting muddy in the garden, kicking a ball about and climbing trees. They are both very different but sex has little to do with it I think.

If you still feel down make sure you mention it to your midwife. And enjoy your bump and baby!

PumpkinPie2013 Fri 12-Jul-13 06:51:04

No advice really as I haven't experienced gender disappointment (20 wks with baby 1 but didn't ask what we were having as wanted a suprise)

I have four nephews who are also great adverts for boys- all really wonderful characters and loads of fun. The eldest who is now 16 was an usher at my wedding to dh (his uncle) last year. He looked amazing in his suit and really stepped up - I was so proud.

Your little boy will love having a brother - try if you can to imagine them playing together and having fun growing up.

Not all boys will be messy etc. I know and teach lots of boys who are kind, quiet and considerate alongside being full of fun and adventure. Eldest nephew mentioned above is now into fashion and loves going round the city shopping with his mother!

Also a girl will not necessarily be girly. My younger sister and my niece are/were both tomboys and love mud,cars bugs etc.

Perhaps have a chat with your mw about your feelings? Honestly I know it's a cliche but I'm sure once your lovely little boy is born you'll love him to bits!

Good luck I hope you feel better soon x

cravingcake Fri 12-Jul-13 06:54:21

Sorry i cant offer any advice but i have this feeling too. I have a lovely little boy already and am currently pregnant (11 weeks) with our second and last baby. I would just love to have a girl but am trying to convince myself that another boy will be just as much fun. The only thing that i can think of at the moment is that i know what i'm doig with a boy so will make it easier, and after seeing a lot of my friends who have girls they all say that boys are much cuddlier and affectionate than boys.

You are not alone in how you feel, obviously we all want a healthy baby but the disappointment in finding out baby is not the gender you hoped for is a bit like a little bereavement, where everything you had planned in your mind has gone. Time will help. And you have 20 something weeks to get your head around it.

Could you do a bonding scan in 3d/4d to help you?

On a light hearted note, one of your boys could turn out to be gay and love shopping & pampering grin

Queazy Fri 12-Jul-13 07:07:46

It sounds like you're still coming to terms with having a baby at all (if you mainly had another for DH) so this is like a double blow. Speak to your midwife about how low you're feeling, and make sure you get some time with just you and DS2 when he's born. I think what you're feeling is natural, as its all mixed up with pregnancy hormones, high hopes and uncertainty about the future. For what it's worth, I think gender wont matter when he's here as you'll love him to bits, but give yourself time. xx

Gobbolinothewitchscat Fri 12-Jul-13 07:11:25

Er.....the baby doesn't need to be "gay" to enjoy shopping, FFS hmm

Agree with alibabba that you really don't know what type of personality the new baby will have.

We were a very girl family but all of the 4 grandchildren are boys (including my DS) and all very different

I think whatever sex of child you have and whatever their personalities, you need to do activities that they enjoy and you get enjoyment from their enjoyment. My parents had 2 girls and I still have fond memories of being taken to Myittle Pony and Carebear films by my dad!

Get over it - you chose to have another child if you couldn't cope with another boy you shouldn't have gone ahead. Be pleased your scan showed a healthy baby.

Join in with the 'boy' games and enjoy your boys stop standing on the sidelines being a princess and grow up a bit.

Roshbegosh Fri 12-Jul-13 07:17:57

You knew there was a fifty fifty chance when you chose to have a baby. At the scan was the heart, brain, limbs, spine, face, kidneys, etc etc alright or is it just the genitals that are wrong? If it had been a girl it might not have been your princess, she would have had her own personality and may not have filled the gap in your life. I know I am not being supportive but what a fucking attitude when you have a lovely healthy boy. Why have a baby if there is a fifty fifty chance of it being such a huge disappoinment to you?

Sleepthief Fri 12-Jul-13 07:46:16

I agree that it's a bit irresponsible to have another baby if you had your heart so set on a girl.

Of course it's easier for me to say as I've never suffered gender disappointment. However, I'm on baby number four and from the 12-week scan last the sonographer took an educated guess that it was a boy, bringing my grand total of boys to four grin. Do I wish he was a girl? No. Would I swap any of my boys for girl? No, because although I enjoy clothes, shopping, romcoms etc I love my children infinitely more. And I certainly didn't have them in order to facilitate trips to the nail bar [erm]

We are also constantly astounded at how different all three kids are despite not only being the same sex, but having the same parents and upbringing!

And as an aside, as a student I had a summer job cleaning the public toilets in my (seaside) town. By far the women's were much, much worse [vomming emoticon]

Sleepthief Fri 12-Jul-13 07:47:26

Sorry, should add that I hope you manage to get over your disappointment and love your little boy as he deserves.

BoyMeetsWorld Fri 12-Jul-13 07:47:59

Thank you for some very helpful posts so far - as mentioned, I knew this topic always elicits mixed emotions so expected the nasty ones.

I think only those who have in some way experienced these feelings can understand. It is in no way as simple as just 'getting a grip' and getting on with it. They are very powerful overwhelming feelings, particularly with uncontrollable hormones in the mix hence why I created a post looking for ways to cope: simply writing my thoughts down and some of the responses on here have helped a little to do that but it's still very raw, iv not had 24 hrs yet to get my head around it.

I would just like to say: trying to find ways to cope is in itself a way of dealing with it. Of course I'll never let my children know how I feel. I've already said I accept I'll probably feel different when he comes but iv got 20 long weeks of feeling like this to get through first. & for all those helpfully saying I just shouldnt have had another baby - I don't wish to explain my personal situation, but as touched upon having a baby wasn't what I would have 'chosen' for myself at all in any way shape or form. But i love my DH very much and this was incredibly important to him, plus I do know it will be good for my DS to have a companion. Do you honestly think I wouldn't have tried to persuade DH against it a little more though if I'd realised I would feel as devastated as this???? It takes you by surprise.

I think if I can try to imagine him & pick a name I really love it may help. At the moment I just feel very very empty and sad even though I don't want to. I am looking forward to going through all the lovely clothes and toys I saved from DS1, but I'm concerned my positive feelings towards those are regarding happy memories of DS1 rather than new happy feelings for DS2. We have booked a 4d scan - thank you to whoever suggested that - & I think seeing his little face for 'real' will help massively.

BoyMeetsWorld Fri 12-Jul-13 07:47:59

Thank you for some very helpful posts so far - as mentioned, I knew this topic always elicits mixed emotions so expected the nasty ones.

I think only those who have in some way experienced these feelings can understand. It is in no way as simple as just 'getting a grip' and getting on with it. They are very powerful overwhelming feelings, particularly with uncontrollable hormones in the mix hence why I created a post looking for ways to cope: simply writing my thoughts down and some of the responses on here have helped a little to do that but it's still very raw, iv not had 24 hrs yet to get my head around it.

I would just like to say: trying to find ways to cope is in itself a way of dealing with it. Of course I'll never let my children know how I feel. I've already said I accept I'll probably feel different when he comes but iv got 20 long weeks of feeling like this to get through first. & for all those helpfully saying I just shouldnt have had another baby - I don't wish to explain my personal situation, but as touched upon having a baby wasn't what I would have 'chosen' for myself at all in any way shape or form. But i love my DH very much and this was incredibly important to him, plus I do know it will be good for my DS to have a companion. Do you honestly think I wouldn't have tried to persuade DH against it a little more though if I'd realised I would feel as devastated as this???? It takes you by surprise.

I think if I can try to imagine him & pick a name I really love it may help. At the moment I just feel very very empty and sad even though I don't want to. I am looking forward to going through all the lovely clothes and toys I saved from DS1, but I'm concerned my positive feelings towards those are regarding happy memories of DS1 rather than new happy feelings for DS2. We have booked a 4d scan - thank you to whoever suggested that - & I think seeing his little face for 'real' will help massively.

Bunbaker Fri 12-Jul-13 07:50:31

One of my friends has a girl and a boy. The girl is very tomboyish and the boy prefers girly things. You can't assume that a girl is going to be girly and like girly things.

As someone who had fertility problems - it took 17 years to conceive my one and only child, I think YABU and should get over yourself.

Queazy Fri 12-Jul-13 07:51:50

I think OP is prob well aware that's she's lucky to have a healthy baby. However, even if no one would like to admit it, I'm sure others have had hopes for a particular gender and felt a bit of disappointment when it didn't happen that way. It's not about growing up, it's about coming to terms with the fact you're going to have a different experience than you imagined or dreamed about, but just as great. I didn't find out what I'm having, as I genuinely feel lucky to be having a baby at all.

Of course others would only dream to be in a position to have a baby, let alone discuss its gender, but if we're going to chastise anyone who complains or feels unhappy about their pregnancy, we'd need to wipe out half the threads on the Pregnancy discussion board!!!!

xx

SoupDragon Fri 12-Jul-13 07:52:26

Ignore the people who are being unsupportive. Clearly they have no idea what an emotional response is and that you haven't chosen to feel this way.

I had this with DS2. DS1's birth had been so horrible that this was going to be my last. I found out, by accident, a few days before he was born that he was a boy and not a girl to make the "one-of-each" set. I had a few days to "mourn" the DD I wouldn't have and by the time DS2 arrived I loved him and was delighted by him with no hint of disappointment whatsoever. There were no negative emotions to taint his birth.

Fast forward 5 years... I find out I'm expecting a girl. Was a happy? No, I was pissed off that my boy gang was ruined! No rhyme or reason at all. Obviously love her to bits too smile

FWIW, shopping with an opinionated 7 year old girl isn't the most pleasant experience on the planet. smile

It's not a rational feeling and, deep down, I think you know that and will realise it. Go easy on yourself. Two boys are fabulous smile

5madthings Fri 12-Jul-13 07:55:26

Sorry but i agree witj ali and i think you need to address your gender stereotyping tbh. I have four boys and they are all very diffeent. One loves pink and sparkly and what you would assume are 'girly' things.

My daughter loves dinosaurs and trains and rumning around and getting dirty...

Children are individuals.

harryhausen Fri 12-Jul-13 07:55:30

I'm so sorry you feel this way.

I have a dd and a ds. Would it help at all to say that my dd hates all pink, shopping, princess's etc? She's more likely to leave fighter figure toys lying around than my ds. I can't help getting somewhat flummoxed on MN sometimes when I hear this " girls are all quiet, lovely, gentle princesses" nonsense.

You may have had a 'pink' girl, you may not have. What you will have is an amazing new ds who will be different to anyone else. He will be himself and you will love him totally.

Love grows, it doesn't get halved.

I think this is just new baby wobbles and feeling overwhelmed. It will be fine x

CheeseFondueRocks Fri 12-Jul-13 08:01:07

I just wanted to say that I totally know how you feel and there's no reason to be ashamed.

I have one DD and am currently pregnant with DC2. I don't know what we're having but I really want another girl. If I find out we're having a boy I'll be devastated. I just don't want a son. I know that if DC2 Is a boy, I will have to make my peace with it and I'll love him anyway. Who knows, it might not be that bad in realty. But for now, I'm hoping so hard for another little girl.

CheeseFondueRocks Fri 12-Jul-13 08:02:24

And for me it has nothing to do with pink princessy stuff or shopping etc. DD doesn't have any pink stuff or princess things. It's just my personal feelings that I have for whatever reason.

Excited85 Fri 12-Jul-13 08:03:23

For what it's worth I think it's good you've found out the sex, as at least you can deal with your feelings now rather than when baby is here. And as it gives you a better idea of the little one inside I do believe it is slightly easier to bond. Just get used to thinking of your bump as he and not it and get planning names - focussing on little activities like these should help reinforce the sex as a positive thing for you and hopefully as the birth gets closer your excitement will grow x

WinkyWinkola Fri 12-Jul-13 08:04:24

I have 3 ds's and one dd. my dd is my second child. She is the most tomboy girl ever. She hates dresses and skirts etc. I get mildly annoyed because I think it's great that girls can wear both trousers and skirts and she's restricting her options. Whatever. It doesn't really matter.

I cried at each of my scans when I found out the gender. I mourned the fact that I had to let 50% of my fantasy go. And that was also when I found out dd was a girl.

When the baby arrives, you will love him. You will.

Don't fall for the nonsense (bollocks actually) that little girls are for shopping with and deeper bonding. It's such crap and actually very insulting to girls.

BoyMeetsWorld Fri 12-Jul-13 08:04:47

Thanks so much Queasy and Soupy xx I'm usually an advocate of tough love myself but in this instance it really isn't helping - I know full well these are irrational feelings but that doesn't make them any less real of overpowering.

It also doesn't help that my best friend who I sit with at work is having fertility issues & I know full well would love to be in my position so got to go in now and act happy.

I accept what people are saying about gender stereotypes. However, one things for sure: with another boy there is not even a chance il be buying lots of pink, any little dresses, playing ponies or painting their nails. So it is very final.

I know it will be ok...better than ok. But right now, it's not.

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