Would you like to be a member of our research panel? Join here - there's (nearly) always a great incentive offered for your views.
Potential 12-13 month age gap - slightly sensitive subject(22 Posts)
Originally posted this in antenal choices, but thought I might get more responses here. If you feel this is in the wrong place I apologise and please feel free to move. Really not intending to upset anyone here...
Had DC1 in early Feb this year, have just had a positive test. All our own fault, weren't being as careful as we should have been. I know we've been stupid, not looking for a lecture or sympathy, just people's experiences and opinions.
Is it do-able?
Have you coped?
How hard was it?
When did it get easier?
Do DCs get on or is their huge sibling rivalry?
What were the best and worst things about the age gap?
Do you feel your DC1 'suffered' due to having DC2 so close?
Really unsure what to do. Feel torn as I love DC1 to pieces and would love a DC2...in another year or so.
DP seems as torn as me. Not sure how family will react as DC1 wasn't planned (was using contraception but medical issues meant it failed) but they love him to bits. DP and I are early thirties but not married if that makes a difference. I was adamant about keeping DC1 but this time I'm worried about how we'll cope and DC1's welfare mainly. Envisaged having more time with just him.
Thanks in advance.
A friend of mine at work has a 13 m age gap between her two dcs, apparently they get on v well. I will have an 8 year gap between mine, but we're thinking of having dc3 pretty much asap after this one comes... I think there's no perfect age gap, all have their pros and cons. do what you feel is right for your family. good luck
Babies come when they come
It will be hard work for the first year, but then becomes much much easier. Friends who have close gaps have always said that they wouldn't have it any other way. A health visitor once told me (about my ever squabbling DDs who are 2 yrs apart) that the 'average' 2 year gap is actually the most competitive ....particularly if they are the same sex!! Other people may differ, but the children I know with gaps of a year or so, are very close to the siblings.
The one thing I wanted to say is that you will love this new baby just as much!! love isn't a pie that will only stretch so far
My mum has 6 children, 30, 29, 28, 25, 24 and myself 21 (22 in October). When the older 3 were young (28 was 11 months old) their dad died and when I was new born my mum and dad got a divorce, he remarried never to be heard from again.
My mum was 26 with 6 children ranging from 8 to newborn. She raised us on her own until I was 7 when she met her husband (they married when i was 9).
Before meeting my step dad, while raising us alone she worked long hours and managed to go back to night school and get her degree (very proud!).
What i'm getting at is that if my mum could handle 6 with such a small age gap between them, and on her own quite young, you can cope too don't worry.
You sound like a really loving and caring mummy already to DC1 and you and your partner will both love DC2 just as much. During my first 12 weeks (now 18), i had regular worries about can i cope etc, as this is our first and I thought we were waiting a few years. I still do worry occasionally if I'm honest. What i've gathered from speaking to others is that the first few months are a rollercoaster of emotions and it's only natural to worry how you'll cope.
As for sibling rivalry...i think all siblings go through it, my sisters and i did argue a lot at times, and drove my mum mad! But at the end of the day we love each other and would all band together to help one and other out when we need to. My aunt (on my dad's side) is a lot older than her siblings, she moved out to join the RAF when they were still in school and she has told me they basically don't talk to each other ever. I understand your concern about a small age gap but i think too big an age gap isn't too good either IYKWIM.
A friend has 2 DC 11 months apart ( same year at school )
She says she cried every day for a year from exhaustion , but she got through it and it's fine now
Another friend has triplets
Sometimes you just can't plan , somehow it all works out .
I had the same, 2 unplanned babies in 18 months, felt like a right plum telling people! But its worked out fab! They're great company for each other, I was amazed by how much easier it is then I'd ever have thought
One of my closest friends had her boys 12 months apart.
One of my oldest friends had twins 13 months after the birth of her 3rd baby so ended up with 5 under 6.
I planned all mine so my children range from 3& half years to 10 years apart. Now 24,21,11,8&5.
If i could do it again i would have had them closer together. My last 3 were planned to the exact month. I hasn't worked out well. They now have few things in common & are incredibly jealous of each other.
I can't tell you how its going to be but talk to your dp. Be very honest & you sound like a great mum- Im sure you will make the right decision. Listen to your heart. Stop worrying about what others will think of you, its your life!!
Sorry my point about about friends dc being so close in age is that those dc are now teenagers. It was hard when they were little but now the dc all get on great...
You will be fine plenty of people have twins at least your dc1 should be sleeping through the night. Congratulations.
My DM had 2 children with a 2 year gap then my 2 brothers a few years later with an 11 month gap (not planned!). She says she found it easier having a smaller gap as she didn't have a toddler to chase after when the youngest was in the newborn phase. They also had similar age related interests at the same time, which made activities, days out etc easier.
Over twenty years later my brothers are very close and always have been, to the point that as teenagers they were offered seperate bedrooms but refused so they could still share.
Good luck whatever you and your DH decide.
It's fine. Ds2 was 5 months when I realised I was pg again. There are 14 months between.
It's grand. They are very close and play together wonderfully. It's simply two of everything. You do everything twice.
Worst part for me BY FAR was the double buggy...or as I used to call it...the rhinoceros. Cumbersome fucker it was.
Other than that - no regrets at all...and I was same as you....OMG...HOW???!!!
Oh and conversely there are six years between ds1 and ds2.. so I have experience of age gaps big and small.
If I had to choose, I'd say small is preferable.
there are 11 months between ds2 and 3 I as an added complication also split with my ex when I was 4 months. 1st year was hard but they are now 9 and 10 and so close.
I have 5 and only small gaps betweeen most of them. There are 11 months between DC1 & 2, then 3 years between DC2 & 3; 13 months between DC3 & 4, and 14 months between DC4 & 5. My kids are now 7,6, 3, almost 2, and 8 months.
Having the 2 close together was completely fine, in fact I found it easier than having a big gap. The first year was hard but after that things are much easier as both the kids are into the same things! Having 3 under 3 has been hard work though....but that is another story
Thank you all for your experiences and perspectives. It has helped my head stop spinning and given me some clarity. There are lots of things for me and DP still to discuss and consider e.g. finances etc, but you have all shown me it is possible to cope.
chillisbopper your mum sounds like supermum!
notanyanymore that's exactly how I feel about telling people!
Thank you all again.
Dc3 was exactly 11 months older than our twins. . So we had 3 under 1.
We did it. Yes it was hard but they are tge best of friends.
We still are going through it as twins are only 18 months.
I also have 2 older Children .. everything just slotted into place
We planned one a 3/4 year age gap and had twins in our first pregnancy.
It was tough having two babies but we cope, you do and life goes on.
Ive 4 dc 9, 7, 6, 5.
It can be tough. But ive coped and they are all the best of friends.
It will be wonderful!
Once you get over the baby stage - that is tough with 2 small ones but when they are little kids, it will be easy - they'll both be at the same stage - pleased by the same thing etc. be happy about it!
Op imagine how we felt when we had to own up to the third I now have the coil... also forgot to mention that with that age gap the eldest tends to have two regularand fairly long naps a day which are a god send, weirdly babies crying don't seem to disturb each other, and as others have said there doesn't seem to be any of the sibling jealousy. Financially it is tighter, but then you learn to budget better and wonder what on earth you were worrying about before
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
10.5 months between ds1 and dd2 and i personally found it better that way, mine are all quite close in age there is 16 month between dd2 and dd3, and they are all really close, play together really well and yes, they have arguments and bicker the same as any brothers and sisters do but i would say because they are so simlar in age they have quite a lot of the same interests so find it easier to play together, my 4th was born in november and i'm due again in january.
Join the discussion
Please login first.