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how do you respond to people that are negative, and say stuff like, oh id hate to go back to the baby stage, nappies and aleepless nights etc

(32 Posts)

Rather you than me blah blah

I find it v v difficult, because we have a lovely dd six, but our ds died shortly after he was born.
So we have been through a lot and this is not an easy pg

I guess its just mindless small talk but I find it upsettig as I've had a lot more sleepless nights over ds than I ever have with dd.
And a few nappies is really the least if our worries

I guess I just don't know how to respond when.people make these comments

ComtessedeFrouFrou Sun 30-Jun-13 06:44:14

Personally, I would raise my eyebrow and give them my best "Oh do fuck off" stare.

Or perhaps remind them that every dirty nappy will be a blessing after what you've been through.

Sorry, perhaps not helpful, but I'm sure it's what you feel like doing. I am also PG and uncomfortable and I can't imagine how much harder it must be for you with the added worry.

thanks sorry for your loss and I hope this PG gets easier xx

SweepTheHalls Sun 30-Jun-13 06:50:43

'Well it's. good that's it's me and not you then isn't it?' Or of course the standby ' did you mean to be so rude?'

Thanks for your reply, twice I replied different things, once I said well I've had a lot.more.sleepless.nights over ds then I ever have of dd, when my mum was saying something about getting sleep.now.because.soon I won't be able to etc etc

And I've also replied a baby sealing in the night and changing nappies really is the least of my worries

But I feel.like I'm bring horrible and being an arse to.people that are just trying to make.conversaton
Yet I.can't really.think.of any.middle.ground comments
That don't make.me.sound like I'm.being mean to.people

I did.also once.say.to someone else who was saying how.crap its.all going.to be, and.saying.oh.no.you'll have to go back to prams.and.carrying.crap around.with you like nappies.and.everything

Well I suppose you feel.that wah because.your.past.it
And that your at a.different.stage in your.life.than I am

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Sun 30-Jun-13 06:56:17

I'm so sorry for your loss. flowers

I have probably inadvertently said this. sad Maybe try to think that when people say that it is almost definitely not about you and 100% about them.

I had my two in quick succession and teetered on the edge of PND for a long while, and so the thought of going back to it all, complete with the sleepless nights and total and utter dependency of another human being on you, fills me with anxiety and overwhelmingness.

Irrational, perhaps, but totally and 100% about me, and not about the person going into it.

FrouFrou's 'every dirty nappy is a blessing' comment, said with a genuine smile, is actually a really good one.

tumbletumble Sun 30-Jun-13 06:59:41

How about 'Really? Personally I love the little baby stage - I can't wait!'.

Don, yes I do think people.are.not.saying.to upset.me.in anyway

And pnd must.be really.awful.
That's why I'm trying to not.say.anything.back that's too hurtful
But I.need.to assert myself.a.bit.moreinlife.somehow

ComtessedeFrouFrou Sun 30-Jun-13 07:06:17

White you really must. People are so bloody thoughtless and they think that they can get away with it because "they are only making conversation" hmm

Yeah, I'm.always careful what I say to people, yet others can just trample over my feelings
And Im.fed up with it

nooka Sun 30-Jun-13 07:14:00

Well I really didn't enjoy babies at all, so would be thinking that (and more) but I'd never say it to a pregnant women because it's really unkind to piss on someone else's parade regardless of any additional factors. Plus I've always felt that it wasn't the done thing to even suggest that motherhood might not be bloody wonderful.

I don't actually think that it is just small talk, if it is couched that negatively. On the other hand things like saying 'get your sleep in now' seem fairly innocuous, so as usual it probably depends on the comment, tone of voice etc. Of course anyone who knows that you previously lost a baby should be a hell of a lot more sensitive.

bowlingforsoup Sun 30-Jun-13 07:18:29

I get this constantly.

DD2 is a week old now and 2 of my so called best friends have done nothing but tell me how I've wrecked my life, can't go on nights out, will be single for the rest of my life (dp left 2 months ago) because no man will go near a woman with kids, how amazing their life is compared to mine and how they will never have kids because they love their life as it is.

I love the newborn stage and although I'm shattered i dont mind getting up every 3 hours for cuddles and to feed my baby. It's amazing. I'd rather have my children than nights out. They just can't understand this.

We are 25, not 15. They just haven't grown up yet.

It is really deflating having to listen to it all the time and i feel like I'm having to defend my life choices day in day out.

OP so sorry to hear about your DS and this must be so much harder for you than any of us. thanks

cravingcake Sun 30-Jun-13 07:18:58

In your situation i would say something like i cant wait for the newborn snuggles and am lookig forward to the challenge, i missed out on this as my DS passed away when he was only xx weeks old.

This may have the effect of people then realising that their comment, however 'harmless' isnt appropriate.

IceNoSlice Sun 30-Jun-13 07:26:14

It's infuriating isn't it?! I have a 'friend' whose DCs are about 4 years older than ours. It's all the time. She doesn't see how unhelpful it is. 'Oh, I'm so glad we don't have to deal with nappies/potty training/feeding baby food/high chairs any more!' Said in a smug way. Arrrgh!

OP I'm sorry for your loss. I have no doubt said this, and it is a very selfish thing to say - basically confirming to myslf I am not broody.

bowling, congratulations on your DD. I hope you have plenty of support as it doesn't sound as though your friends are being very useful.

Yeah I feel the tone is very much a smug tone.

Just had enough of it now.

Thanks for your replies
I was wondering if it was just me being over sensitive

one reply ive thought of is a simple

that's an odd thing to say to a pregnant woman.

then watch them squirm

ComtessedeFrouFrou Sun 30-Jun-13 08:38:09

White that is excellent. Enough that you don't look rude but enough to make it clear that they have been very rude.

thanks, thanks for your support

i'll just keep taking it day by day
all I can do really

but thanks for taking the time to help me smile

Snazzywaitingforsummer Sun 30-Jun-13 09:20:38

'That's an odd thing to say to a pregnant woman' is perfect. Hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well.

Confused40 Sun 30-Jun-13 11:13:46

I had plenty of comments during my pg! Dd is 4 weeks old tomorrow. Ds just turned 18 and I was almost 4 months pg almost 3 years ago and lost it.
So you can imagine the comments I had and still have.
I usually reply with - well I was blessed with a child and no it's not hard at all. Especially as losing a child is harder! Normally stops them in their tracks. Or I see if their religiosity or not and say who am I to question gods will? Lol
Never ceases to amaze me how rude some people can be.
Last little nugget I had was. Oh god you're going to have to go through it all over again! Like having a child is a trial!??
Keep your chin up and enjoy your pg. smilesmile

blondebaby111 Sun 30-Jun-13 11:17:42

Sorry for your loss and hope you haven't too long to go in this pregnancy flowers people are so insensitive aren't they. We were ttc for a long time and all people used to say was 'babies are no fun anyway, all that poo, nappies and sleepless nights, count yourself lucky'!!! I used to think if only u really knew how shit it was, wanting something so bad yet hearing people say how crap it was.
Now I'm preg with our much longed for baby all people say is' ohh, its gonna be a shock, all those sleepness nights and nappies, rather you than me' !!!

Arghhh, please be quiet and that's me being polite, why can't people just be nice about it all and say how lovely it is, !!! shock

MorrisZapp Sun 30-Jun-13 11:30:55

Two sides to this one. I think that in general, our culture of 'babies are wonderful, how lovely' etc does contribute to levels of PND. I was told how much I'd love being a mum, how fabulous it all is etc then felt bitter and cheated when the reality proved very different. Like loads of women, the sleep deprivation and relentlessness of babycare drove me to a breakdown and I'm still on the pills (though much better).

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, I can't imagine what you've been through. Your new pregnancy must feel so exciting and I understand you don't want to hear negativity. But assuming that the people who make these comments do not know your background, I think they're being honest in a way that should generally be encouraged. Be honest back - tell them why you're so happy and why you don't worry about sleepless nights etc they way they did. I'm sure they'd be much more sympathetic and encouraging if they knew xx.

BillyGoatintheBuff Sun 30-Jun-13 11:31:12

So sorry for your loss.

I think your reply sounds perfect, and also new born snuggles cannot be beaten!! Good luck to you.

Some people might say things without thinking, but some people are arses who just want to piss on everyone else's parades.

they do know
I could understand if they didn't

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