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I'm really scared

(25 Posts)
Holly94 Sun 23-Jun-13 10:05:53

I'm 8 weeks pregnant and I'm 18. The baby was unplanned as I was on the pill. I've just finished my A-levels.
I had a really bad start to my pregnancy with a suspected ectopic, thankfully on my second scan everything was there and there was a heartbeat.

My boyfriend is 21. At first my mum was really supportive but over the last few days she's turned really nasty. This morning she told me I've "fucked my entire life up" and the best thing for me is to get an abortion, get rid f my boyfriend and go to uni, get a job and then have a family. That's okay for her but I'm the one who has to live with an abortion for the rest of my life. I said that to her and she lashed out at me and hit me.

I have a part time job and my boyfriend is an IT technician but doesn't earn a great deal and I'm really, really worried about money. his parents have said we can live there. I can't help thinking my family is right and that my life is ruined. I love my baby already and don't know how I could go through with an abortion after seeing its heart beating on the scan. I just don't know what to do. I just needed somewhere to write this. I'm terrified that we'll have no money and that our lives will be rubbish forever and so will our baby's.

My mum was young when she had me and when I was younger she had MH problems and I have vivid memories of being kicked and hit as a child, and being told things when I was 5 like 'the police are coming to take you away to a naughty children's house and you'll never see me again'. She was physically abused by her mother as a child. I just feel like my whole life is a mess and I'm so worried. sad

WinkyWinkola Sun 23-Jun-13 10:09:03

You're on a different road to the one you'd planned.

That isn't a bad thing. Just a different route.

You sound intelligent, loving and clued up. I can't see how you've fucked things up.

You can go to university in good time.

You have every reason to be optimistic about your future. A baby doesn't mean a life fucked up.

Do you have to live with your mother? She doesn't sound like a positive influence and would she be vile to your child when he or she is five like she was to you?

WinkyWinkola Sun 23-Jun-13 10:10:23

Sorry I just reread your post and that she hit you? angry

Bloody hell. Where do you live?

Do you have

Holly94 Sun 23-Jun-13 10:11:41

No I'm moving out in a couple of weeks time to live with my boyfriend and his parents. I've put up with this for 18 years.
I just don't understand her. 2 days ago she was taking me pram shopping and saying how she can't wait and this morning she turned on me and told me the best thing I could do is to get rid of my baby, my boyfriend and start again. then when I brought up I want to treat my baby differently and I can't have an abortion she screamed at me and slapped me. I was sat in tears on the phone to my boyfriend and she ran up the stairs and threw something at me and screamed at me to get off my phone.

toffeem Sun 23-Jun-13 10:12:56

You don't have to live your mums life and shouldn't feel pressured to do anything you don't want to. You will end up hating her.

It sounds like you have a good set up with living with your boyfriends parents. It won't be easy but its definately achieveable.

Do what is right for you.

Futterby Sun 23-Jun-13 10:16:53

I'm 18 and currently 17 weeks pregnant. I also had a suspected ectopic/threatened miscarriage at six weeks, had a scan and saw my wee peanut's heartbeat thudding away smile

It's a shock. It's an absolutely massive shock. And you're not being helped by your mum, which must be very difficult. If you're wanting to keep the baby, is there a way you and your partner could live together? I've found that to be so useful, through the hours of morning sickness and all the other aches and pains that come with pregnancy. It also means he would be there to support you and you wouldn't have to listen to that from your mum.

I'm a full time student and my DP goes to uni three days a week and works the other two (sometimes three) days. I don't know where you're from but in Scotland we get SAAS, which is like a bursary for studying. If I'm right, you should also get child benefit when the baby is born. Could you go to citizens advice and see how they could help?

I don't really know what I'm talking about with regards to money, but if you want to chat, feel free to message me smile I know how useful it is to talk to someone in a similar situation.

Futterby Sun 23-Jun-13 10:19:06

God, I really must type faster! So many crossed posts! smile

AnythingNotEverything Sun 23-Jun-13 10:19:24

It sounds like you have a rather unhealthy relationship with your mother. You're 18 now - you can make your own choices. And you don't have to put up with this abusive behaviour.

You can offer your child a very different upbringing.

I had my son at 18. I went back to college when hex was 6 months old, got some great a levels part time, and went to uni when he started school. I got an honours degree and now have a career. You can do it!

Holly94 Sun 23-Jun-13 10:20:02

thank you toffeem.

It's not like we have nowhere to live. It's just her constant moodswings and walking on eggshells round her. I told her I'm going to move into my boyfriend's tonight and she told me if I do that I'm never welcome to come home ever again.

I said I'm applying for deferred uni entry in September so I can go when my baby is about 9 months old. I want to study to become a teacher and one minute she's telling me what a good idea it is and the next she's telling me I'm kidding myself and I'll never be able to afford uni now.

I didn't get pregnant on purpose. I was on the pill and I missed one day. I know I should have taken more care and if I could go back and change things I would, but I can't now and I don't know I'm expected to have an abortion.

Futterby Sun 23-Jun-13 10:22:05

Shit holly, it's you! Didn't even read the username, sorry! smile I'll message you.

AnnoyedAtWork Sun 23-Jun-13 10:22:20

You can still go to uni!!! I had my DD at 18 and started uni when she was 5 months old - I got a first, got to spend time with DD more than if I had been working and got a bursary and govt childcare subsidy. I made friends who loved to help babysit. I still had time to party. The father and I split soon after the birth but we co parented successfully for quite a few years.
Don't give up on your ambitions this does not have to "ruin" your life - you have a choice - do not be a victim!

Sorry to hear about your mum's behaviour. Best you move out.

AnnoyedAtWork Sun 23-Jun-13 10:23:31

Message me if you need advice about uni logistics / finances etc

AnnoyedAtWork Sun 23-Jun-13 10:24:15

Btw now DD is 8 and I am the trendy young thing at the school gates! smile

MumnGran Sun 23-Jun-13 10:28:35

Oh Holly, I read this and just wanted to come and give you a cuddle.
What you need at the moment is support. Preferably near to you in person, although I'm certain MN'ers will offer lots of comfort and advice here.
Do you have a close relative that you can turn to for unbiased advice and real emotional support for you?
If not, then do lean on your BF's parents a little, and talk to his Mum openly ( they will be your childs grandparents, so nothing wrong with getting close now ) - just do remember that they will have a bit of an agenda.

There are several things I would say, if my own daughters had been in this position ..........
firstly, what you do is totally your choice. Either option is a hard road, and only you know, in your heart, which one is the right course for you. Don't let anyone sway you from that course, because if it is not what you really want then you will live with it for the rest of your life.

Second, you have not ruined your life - it has just changed direction. Your mother may feel that her own was "ruined" by early motherhood, and her own experience, but that is not your story. It is now not going to be easy to achieve, and your mother may have kicked off because she recognises that and wanted "more" for her daughter. That doesn't make her response right, and it really does not mean that you don't still have a wonderful life ahead of you.

Thirdly, having a child does not mean that you cannot continue studying. I know 2 people who have continued their Open Uni degrees while pregnant/with newborns ...and both have done well. You just need to explore the OU option now, rather than waiting.

Next, I want to reassure you that you need not repeat parenting patterns. Young (and unexpected) parenthood doesn't make you an abusive mother. Not if you want to change the pattern and be a better parent. Trust me on this! ..... you can do a less abusive job of mothering smile

Finally, you do not need to suffer continuing physical violence from your mother and it is not good for you. Consider the option of staying with your BF parents for a short time, if you need to get away or feel under any continuing threat. Do go to Citizens Advice and talk through what your options may be for housing etc etc

Sorry this is long, but verbal "hugs" take a while.
They will be of little use, but have some flowers ....and a brew now that you will be off the wine !!

TrudyW Sun 23-Jun-13 10:31:55

Get yourself out hun, u don't need that kind of stress, abuse and environment when you're not pregnant let alone now u are.

And as for ruining your life, god there's worst things that can happen. And for me personally I can never see how a baby can ruin your life, yes its not all buying beautiful clothes and strolling along with your baby in a pram in the sunshine, it is hard work but totally worth it.

You are obviously a sensible person as u have been doing ur A levels and have a job as does ur boyfriend and it sounds like his family are fully supportive of u both! Which is what u really need right now.

As for aborting the baby, u say u already love it after having scans so please don't let that choice be anyone else's but yours.

Also look into any help u may be able to get to boost ur income, good luck x

adagio Sun 23-Jun-13 11:09:07

flowers

Echo the great advice shown here already, and to add my tuppence worth…

I have been with my DH since I was 17 (moved in together pretty much straight away, didn't get married till 27 though!). We waited for he 'right time' to start a family - in the early years of our relationship he wasn't ready (I would have loved to), then when he was starting to think he was ready my career had started to take off and it would have been a really bad time to take time out. We finally agreed to try when I was 32, but then discovered problems TTC - nothing insurmountable but meant it took ages. Finally, I had my gorgeous DD at the end of last year.

On one hand, I love my life, my house, my DH and DD more than anything; on the other hand part of me does wish I had done my life the other way up - had a family young, then pushed for a career if that was still what I wanted. Taking time out now (which I really want to do - I don't want to miss my daughter growing up by working 60-80 hour weeks again at this stage) might mean I find it much harder to stay in the same level job I worked so hard to get to. If I go 'backwards' then I will have to scramble back up the ladder in years to come. Its a difficult one to balance. I also got made redundant at the end of last year, so I have to 'start again' anyway. And at my age, if I want another I need to be quick.

Finally - cost was one of the reasons we waited in the early years. I have been pleasantly surprised - with hand me downs/charity shops/own brands/ebay you really don't have to spend all that much.

Make your own choice, for you, but don't think your life is in anyway 'over' by keeping it. If you want to, it means that once you start your career you won't necessarily be taking big breaks in the middle..

good luck xx

Jenijena Sun 23-Jun-13 11:28:48

Do you know which universities you were thinking of going to? Contact their student services departments early so you can understand what support you will be able to get, talk about nurseries etc.

I can't excuse your Mum's behaviour, but you have a choice to be a different sort of parent. It's terrifying, but there us never a perfect time to have a baby.

As long ad you get on with your boyfriends parents, move there, but don't make it permanent unless you get on very well.

The advice given here is very good and I haven't a lot to add other than support and hand holding.

I come from an abusive home and the cycle def does not have to repeat itself. I also got pregnant whilst on contraception 2 years ago and it is more common than you might think so don't blame yourself for that.

Your bf's parents sound like they may be a real rock to you and it def sounds like it would be worth confiding in them. Your mother prob will threaten all sorts but the less you listen to her the better. She's not being much of a mother getting on like that. Keep updating and everyone here will do their best to help you x

happydazed Sun 23-Jun-13 13:34:01

my parents were 17 when I was born. they are happy and successful and so am I. they struggled with money when I was little but I never noticed, I had nice childhood. you have not ruined your life at all. pregnancy and looking after a little baby is hard and a bit scary no matter what your age is. good luck and take all the support you can get.

MumnGran Sun 23-Jun-13 19:09:38

Op - are you OK?
Absolutely understand iof you don't want to carry on chatting, but did want to check that you are safe and well, this evening?

Angelina7 Mon 24-Jun-13 00:55:55

I strongly believe that there is no right or wrong way or order of doing things, you know in your heart if you want your baby (sounds to me like you do)

I went to college then did a degree at uni, then gap year then worked for 5 years, now I'm pregnant (unplanned but v happy about her) ...there are plenty of people better off (in a better financial position) than me who had babies young, didn't go to uni, struggled but now have careers & are very happy with their family & lives ... I too will struggle and i'm 28, but will make it work no matter what.

What is the most difficult is family, I am sure it is just because they care and worry about you the most, but my dad didn't take my pregnancy news very well (& I repeat I am 28!!) & I have found that very tough as I thought my family (if no1 else) wld be there for me no matter what but I can't forget the hurtful things my dad has said & done in the past couple of months when I have been most vulnerable & in need of family &friends.

Also at your age a lot of your friends won't fully understand why you are having a baby so young but I think some things are only understood once experienced.

Get as much free help from midwives and the council as you can, don't be afraid to ask.

Most importantly, do it your way, it's your life to make the most of whichever way round you do things, it's always scary and there are always ups & downs however you play it out. Best of luck xx

NatashaBee Mon 24-Jun-13 01:12:46

Your life is not ruined. Maybe different, but not ruined - and it sounds like you have a perfectly good plan in place. It sounds like moving to your boyfriends parents may be for the best right now - your mum can have some time to calm down and think, and you (and the baby) can see her on your terms rather than having to deal with living with her mood swings.

Holly94 Mon 24-Jun-13 08:24:32

Thank you everyone for all your lovely comments of support, it's really made me feel much better. I am keeping the baby whether my parents like it or not, and I told my mum that if she doesn't want to be involved then she doesn't have to. Me and DP are going to make it work, regardless of how much money we have. I will keep everyone updated. Xx

AnnoyedAtWork Mon 24-Jun-13 08:38:01

Good luck and do keep us updated. Thinking of you! smile

MumnGran Mon 24-Jun-13 08:38:45

<<cheers>>

You sound strong Holly. Glad you are OK, and have no doubt you will be a brilliant mum.
flowers and another [hug]

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