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Am I over-reacting?(17 Posts)
Just a bit more moaning from me...
My husband is driving me wild and I'm on the verge of giving him a good talking to tonight, but I don't know if I'm being too harsh on him. What do you think?
I am starting to feel like I'm not getting enough support, I'm 29 weeks pregnant and getting pretty tired and hungry and uncomfortable. Yesterday I was livid, my husband called in sick to work because of some pains in his belly. Hello? I have pains in my belly every day, I still go to work. So I went off to my job where I have to stand all day and travel a fair distance to get to. He was at home all day (not properly sick) and we have a blind that I've been waiting for him to put up in the bedroom for about 3 weeks. (After I went and travelled 2 hours on the bus to buy it and bring it home) not having the blind up is one of the reasons I've been so tired as its so light in the room all the time. I was hoping he'd put it up as he was home, but he hasn't. I also called him on my way home from work at 7 to ask him to have dinner ready in an hour as I was so hungry I was starting to feel ill. Plus if I eat too late I get heartburn when I lie down so can't sleep. Got home at gone 8 and no dinner. We eventually ate at after 9. I know that sounds trivial but when I need to eat I NEED to eat and he knows this.
So that night I couldn't sleep because of the heartburn from eating late and the light, blindless room. I asked him to sleep downstairs so I could have more room and he said "can't you sleep downstairs?". So I did, ish, I got about 4 hours. He then came barrelling in 45 minutes before my alarm was set to go off because he was leaving for work and wanted to say goodbye. So I was woken up again.
Today we've both been off from work but I've had a million things to do, after getting home from all my errands I asked him if we could put up the blind, finally, and he wanted to postpone it again. So I just did it myself. It was quite a big job involving sawing the metal frame down to size and screwing it into the wall etc etc.
Anyway, this has happened so many times with various things as we have just moved house and it always results in me just getting on with it, even though I shouldn't really, and him just standing there saying "you really shouldn't be lifting that." But not actually doing it for me!
I feel like I'm in my last trimester, I'm quite big now, he doesn't listen when I tell him I need him to do something for me, and can't understand my side of it at all.
He also can be very sweet and considerate, he does always make the dinner, eventually. He cleans the house, he does the same share of work that he's always done previously, I just feel like I need MORE from him now. But I don't know if I'm just being hormonal and if I should just keep my mouth shut.
I also keep wanting him to book me a surprise pregnancy massage, or manicure or something to cheer me up when I've had a day if working in fashion retail to comments about my weight, but that's not going to happen and then I get annoyed with him for not thinking of things like that even though I've never even hinted at it!
Ugh, sorry for such a long rant. Do you all have wonderful husbands who rub your feet and won't let you lift a finger? Or is mine just the same as all the others?!
I think he sounds a bit of an arse for not doing something you have asked for, meaning making tea and putting up the blind, the only reason I can gather from your post for him not doing so is because he couldn't be arsed, my dh gets like that sometimes
when he's feeling brave! Hah
Ad for the massage or something, book it yourself Hun and make it something you can look forward to by yourself to make you feel warm and fuzzy xx
Buy him one of the men's guides to pregnancy. There's a few on the market. Read the reviews on amazon and pick the one that best suits his style.
I've bought him one and he hasn't even looked at it. He does have the babycentre app, although I get the feeling he thinks those symptoms only apply to other women and I'm not experiencing them! Having said all this, he has just brought me home homemade honey and mustard popcorn to eat while I'm in the bath. This is why it's so hard!!
Soursweets...my answer to your first question is no....I still do my thing. I am only 17 weeks pregnant but learned on las experience not to expect certain things from dh. My hubby is the most lovely man but if you imagine a distracted, absent minded professor you got half way there.
My ruffling my feathers does not achieve anything because dh will not notice as he is always reading/ humming / playing music...
Sorry things are hard for you but your lo will come and I hope things get better before then...xxxx
Thank you notsoold.. Things are not hard for me at all, that's why I feel like I must be over-reacting. My husband is a wonderful man who I trust and love and respect more than anyone else, I just wish he'd make the bloody dinner when I'm hungry! I just want him to understand how hard your body works when you're pregnant and how utterly exhausting it is, and how sometimes you just need to be pampered. Jeez, I'm such a diva!
Your Dh sounds like he's trying, OP, and lots of the time he gets it right! But I can also understand why you think he should give you some special care and attention at the moment.
Mine also has wonderful sides and irritating blind spots - complains like hell when he gets any old ache or pain but is not interested in hearing about my litany of complaints; happily watched me build a changing table because i was bored with waiting for him to do it - he was on the sofa, offering 'advice'. Doesn't understand that when I need to eat I need to eat NOW! Refuses to pick up any baby book and keeps on talking about how difficult labour is going to be for him (for HIM??!)
On the other hand, he's been sleeping on the floor for a few days to make sure I get a good night's sleep, tolerates my appalling baby brain mistakes, and is generally the one reason I'm looking forward to having a baby - I hope he turns out like his dad.
I've learnt in life never to expect surprises - just because you would do it for someone else doesn't mean he even knows about it. (I hadn't heard of pregnancy massage until someone told me about it) . And would you have thought to bring him popcorn without him asking?
Gertrudestien you are right! He is trying, and he does things I wouldn't have thought of, just the same as he doesn't do things that I have thought of.
Thanks, I have calmed down now and will not emotionally beat up the poor man (this time).
Just wanted to add: I asked for a pregnancy massage - straight, outright request - I got it. It was fab. Since then he has asked me twice if I want another one (am 32 weeks now), and have instead plumped for a pedicure. The other time I didn't want either - too huge and too much hassle to get myself there etc. But he asked. I have also made it clear I will need another pedicure closer to due date.
Sometimes you just need to ask.
I think men can feel a bit neglected during pregnancy, as it becomes all about the pregnant woman for months on end. I get where you're coming from, but don't forget to show him you appreciate him - surprise him, take an interest in how he is, talk about anything but pregnancy and babies. It sounds a bit like he's sulking and after a bit of attention...
But being hormonal and grumpy with our other halves is completely normal, you're not alone!
And if we're comparing husbands... Mine never ever cooks, rarely cleans (but often complains about the state of the house), leaves all the diy and gardening and car maintenance to me, declared himself 'knackered' and feigned sleep on the sofa after 3 hours looking after toddler dd while I threw up with a migraine... But I still love him to bits, he's a kind and patient dad to dd, makes me laugh and works hard to pay the mortgage so I can stay home and look after dd.
Ah, I think men don't get it.. I am few weeks behind you. You defo won't get the massage without being direct!!! Now the blind I would be annoyed over. My DH is great at all that stuff but at other romancy things, I have to spell it out.. 'babymoon please'
But don't forget to do little nice things for him too. Praise him loads and loads when he does stuff for you!
38 week's today ladies and my dp went to an extreme length to avoid having to do anything. he was sent to prison for 6 months 4 week's ago!
I now miss even the smallest of things he did before - and have also had lots to sort that he hadn't gotten round too! bloody men!!!
My df is a builder. You would think I get lots of diy jobs done before even asking.
Do I feck lol. Took 2 years to get a curtain pole changed and 18 months for a towel rail putting up. And lots of nagging.
Now I just tell him 'we are decorating/gardening/doing diy' on such and such a day. When we have done that we will go out and do something nice'. Its silly to have to treat thdm like kids with a reward chart.
Im also struggling with mealtimes. OH likes to chill for a few hours when he gets home before eating. I want my tea at 5pm. Have reached a compromise in that we eat at 6.30pm and if he doesnt want his then it either goes in the oven or he makes his own. If you need to eat earlier get yours then and he can warm his up later. Or batch cook loads of stuff and freeze it so you can cook it seperately.
Mine is on gardening leave - makes me breakfast, sometimes dinner and would never occur to him to get me a pregnancy massage. I am so stressed at work and he just started a fight about putting money into the joint account, then told me to grow up. I told him he has absolutely no empathy - he gets 12 weeks off work to do DIY, visit friends and play golf. I commute to a stressful job and grow a baby. I'm booking my own bloody massage today... xx
Its hard but important to try to sort expectations of house work etc now because when the baby comes it gets that bit harder and u don't want him to think u shud do at all because ure in the house all day cos of course it's all sitting with ure feet up not feeding nappy changing amusing etc! I did a joint approach of listing all the jobs that need done in the house and how often, I really think dh although supportive had never realised what I do in the house. I also had melt downs with teArs and shouting. I wud often say either during or after what % had been hormones and tiredness and how much was cos I was pissed off! Seemed to do the trick as he started doing more.
I think it is hard. When your pregnant your body has this sense of urgency. To men they have ages and struggle to understand that if we have heartburn, we need milk now!. The only point they need to worry is the moment the baby arrives. Before that they either do not see or cant see what needs doing. You can explain to them until you are blue in the face.
The important thing is that your Husband is generally supportive and responsive. You can forgive him for just being a bit slower then you would like and revel in the fact that nagging will eventually get the job done. I am always surprised when people assume their other half will step up because they are pregnant. The fact is if they was an arse before, pregnancy will not change them. But they fell in love with them all the same.
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