Would you like to be a member of our research panel? Join here - there's (nearly) always a great incentive offered for your views.

8 weeks pregnant, DH is happy, i dont want it

(67 Posts)
havingtonamechange21 Mon 20-May-13 19:32:42

When the doctor asked me if it was planned i said no, but it was a happy accident, i dont know what to do, i was taking the pill, but badly, forgetfully, its my own fault
I just keep wishing it would go away
I cant abort, would break my DHs heart
I dont want to be a mum
I dont know where to post this, sorry if its in the wrong place, if it is please report, i just need to get it out somewhere

BabyHMummy Mon 20-May-13 21:14:01

maryz that proper made me laugh out loud hun!

AThingInYourLife Mon 20-May-13 21:21:47

You aren't the first person, and you certainly won't be the last whose first thought on seeing the second line was "OH HOLY FUCK, WHAT HAVE I DONE".

I'm another who had this reaction.

Twice hmm grin

It's overwhelming.

But I don't think I was anything like as panicked as you sound.

I think going to the doctor tomorrow is a really, really good idea.

Maryz Mon 20-May-13 21:36:07

BabyHMummy - that story has me laughing, because that was me. 11 years of infertility, two adopted children, and when I got a blue line I panicked completely whereas dh wanted to hire a plane to write in the sky "see, I told you, I'm not firing blanks" hmm

I spent nine months convinced it was a mistake, someone's idea of a cruel joke. But he's 15 now, and sitting playing xbox on the other side of the room. Once he was born I was fine about it, but the first few weeks were very scary.

BabyHMummy Mon 20-May-13 21:53:38

Haha maryz that is totally how I feel! I reckon I was passing breeze blocks at the scans cos I was convinced they would ask my why the f*ck I was there. I kept the stick til my first scan (took it with me too) so I could show them why I was there!

HerrenaHarridan Mon 20-May-13 21:57:11

Oh op, I'm glad you've found some comfort from this horrible lot smile

I also second Marie stopes helpline as a non invasive ear who will know about all the options and are very experienced in helping you unravel your feelings

You've got plenty of time to make a decision, if you think you might just be panicking from shock then hold back on doing anything permanent.

Another one hear with a planned pregnancy who thought 'fuck, fuck, FUCK' for about 3 months!

It's normal reaction to finding yourself in a situation that will totally change you life.
Slightly different but my best friend worked bloody hard at access courses etc to get into uni and out of the shit hole we grew up in (as a single parent to her dd) the night before handing in the keys to her 3 bedroom council house in the nastiest, drug swamped estate ever to move to a 2 bed flat in studentville-on-sea, she nearly changed her mind and was hysterical. I mean its the biggest no brainier going but the fear at relinquishing her chance to change her mind...

Maryz: 11 years, 2 adoptions and BAM! Ffs!!!!! The mind boggles!

HerrenaHarridan Mon 20-May-13 21:58:02

Kept the stick gringringringringrin

BabyHMummy Mon 20-May-13 22:10:29

I know, sad or demented...its a fine line!

Circaea Mon 20-May-13 22:14:52

Petrified is a completely normal reaction whether planned/unplanned, wanted/unwanted. I'm pregnant with my first at the moment which I put off until 35 because I just wasn't convinced I could do it and I'm still completely terrified about the whole undertaking. I regularly stop and think 'what the fuck have I done'. And mine was planned! It's a huge thing to find out about and deal with regardless of your circumstances.

And yes to what everyone said about pg hormones - they're nuts. No matter what choice you make going forward, get yourself some prenatal vitamins now, they do wonders for the morning sickness and mood swings.

havingtonamechange21 Mon 20-May-13 22:19:00

This thread has made me literally laugh out loud for the first time in 3 weeks grin thank you all, reminding me again why i always come back to you nest of vipers smile

in denial, numb, flat and a whole heap of anything but excited emotions. Made a whole lot more uneasy by the fact that my dp was pinging off the ceilings after a week and has the biggest grin ever BabyH you just summed up the exact emotions in this house at the moment aswell, so hard to admit how low its making you when they are so happy

Are marie stopes not more for people who have made up there mind? I always thought they were. I will give them a call if i get some time to think before the doctors tomorrow

Im not sure if its just shock, or maybe just not ready, but thank you all for responding, caring and making me laugh when i thought i had hit rock bottom

BabyHMummy Mon 20-May-13 22:27:45

Admitting it is the hardest thing, but you need to be honest with him huni.

I thought long and hard about aborting. And in end I couldn't go through with it. I am still not ecstatic but am happier.

I have come to the conclusion that everything happens for a reason, this was obv someones idea of the right time.

Ultimately the decision is.yours and bf but if you were thinking maybe one day but not today maybe today is one day?

Maryz Mon 20-May-13 22:29:30

Can I ask you a question? How would you feel is someone said to you "sorry, we have done medical investigations and you can't have a baby, ever"?

Would you be relieved, or would you be sorry?

Because there are two possibilities here. One is you want a baby, but just not yet (in which case you have 8 more months to get used to the idea). And the other is that you don't want a baby, ever, which is more serious.

And can I also suggest that (in between bouts of complete panic) you think about how you could get help - you can get a nurse to get you through the first few weeks, do you have friends or family who will help? You can get a cleaner, a childminder, a "mother's help" for the first few weeks. There are a lot of ways you can avoid being left to cope alone with a new baby.

Heck, your dh can give up work and become a SAHD if he is so chuffed about it.

There are many, many options, and lots of time to explore them.

You have nine months - when we adopted dd, we got two days notice. We got a letter on August 1st saying "you have been approved for adoption, there is atm approximately a three year wait". On August 24th we got a phone call saying "we have a baby girl for you, if you want her you have to collect her on August 26th as her foster family are going on holiday".

Imagine the panic shock. It took me about a year to recover.

And I'm NOT saying this isn't a shock for you. I'm just trying to make you laugh a bit, and realise you aren't alone.

Dobedobedoo Mon 20-May-13 22:40:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maryz Mon 20-May-13 22:55:07

Like my life is over
Yep, sorry, your life as you know it is over

Like I have no idea how to 'be' around children, let alone raise one
None of us did

That as soon as I get bigger, lose my ok but hard gained body size, that my man will run off with a skinny blonde from the office
He might, but if he did he would have anyway, sorry.

That I won't have enough money to survive
We all think this. Most of us don't actually starve. Though we might have to cut back on shoes.

That my hereditary family craziness will be passed on
Oh God, my family are all seriously weird. So are my children. But I got used to it.

The birth will change me forever
Yep, no tight fanjo, drooping breasts. But at least you have an excuse for getting fat grin

That I become an old fat cow
See above grin

That my career is over, I'll never earn decent money again
Why? You can get maternity leave you know.

That I cannot depend on anyone
True [sigh]. But when you are an old cranky lady, your child will feel guilty and visit you [hopeful]

How do mums juggle normal life AND being a parent (always wondered this)
You don't. Life isn't normal. But you sort of get used to it.

That I'm alone
Well, if you have a baby you won't be. Even when you are in the loo want to be.

So yes, I'm considering a termination
Many of us do. But most of us just sigh and accept fate. And for many of us it just works out. God knows how, but it does grin

HTH

<ducks and runs>

BabyHMummy Mon 20-May-13 23:02:30

Maryz stop it or I am.gonna have to find apack of tena, I am dying reading Ur posts xxx

Maryz Mon 20-May-13 23:04:14

[arf] Baby.

Seriously, if we all thought about having children there is no way we would have any.

They are unpleasant, smelly and expensive. And they ruin our bodies.

BabyHMummy Mon 20-May-13 23:05:16

Very true

PicardyThird Mon 20-May-13 23:11:59

I vividly, vividly remember the night I got my first ever positive pregnancy test. We wanted it, had planned it, I had come off the pill, we conceived on the second cycle. I remember going to bed thinking 'oh shit, oh shit, oh SHIT. WTF have I DONE. I don't want this. It's all going to go horribly wrong'.

I am a very happy mother of two. I think there are a heck of a lot of people for whom pregnancy is not all about straightforward bliss from the moment that second line appears. It is such a big life change that some conflictedness is par for the course. However, I'm not saying any of this to dismiss your fears or your feelings. They are real, and you deserve to be able to talk this through in a safe space free from judgement.

Maryz Mon 20-May-13 23:27:28

I hated being pregnant, by the way. Hated every single second of it. And the birth.

I was ok the day after he was born. And have never looked back. But wouldn't do it again [shudder]

Dobedobedoo Tue 21-May-13 06:29:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

vix206 Tue 21-May-13 07:01:53

I felt like this first time round, and I feel it again now with my 3rd pregnancy (no 2 was a MC). I really hope you can resolve it OP, and that you can feel happy.

I just wanted to add that I haven't yet got a ruined body. No droopy boobs or ruined fanjo. Even after breast feeding for 2 years. And I'm 35 so no spring chicken smile Obviously the next baby may ruin it but I just wanted to add a bit of positivity about that side of things!!!

Circaea Tue 21-May-13 07:38:47

For me the panic is partly a control thing. I know it's just a facade but I feel mostly in control of my life and my choices, and I'm fairly sure I can keep holding down a job and feeding/housing DH and I etc. I'm even fairly sure I can make the dog be well-behaved most of the time.

But suddenly, pregnant. I don't know if the bean will be healthy. I don't know if I'll cope with working throughout with pg symptoms. I don't know if I'll cope with birth. I don't know how to bring up a baby (other than obvious basics- don't drop, regular food, regular cuddles, regular naps, change nappy...). I don't know where we'll be living or what we'll be doing for the next 18 years while I'm responsible for this new person. What if, what if, what if...

So yes, I hear you on the panic. But in the back of my mind I've been thinking - I'm not incompetent at life (it's not a breeze but I don't think it's supposed to be) and LOTS of other people manage this. So perhaps it's about making it up as you go along. I'm still terrified though!

That said, we have been planning this for a while - career wise and home life wise I'm ready for it. 10 years ago I would NOT have been ready and a termination would most certainly be on the cards (and was, for me). So I think you need to sift through normal panic to facts and feelings about your situation.

spidersandslugs Tue 21-May-13 07:53:10

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

PicardyThird Tue 21-May-13 08:14:30

Please, spidersandslugs, not such drastic emotive imagery, not here. This is not the time and it is not the place.

Maryz Tue 21-May-13 08:34:20

spiders, I suggest you withdraw your post hmm

That is totally inappropriate for this thread.

BabyHMummy Tue 21-May-13 08:46:05

spiders how dare you post such a vile comment. The op needs emotional support to get her head around being pg bot a viscious attack about abortion

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now