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He hates me for having this DC :(

(44 Posts)
Whatyousaying Sun 05-May-13 12:19:52

I am just into my 2nd trimester with DC2 this is my partners first, we have been together a year and a half, live together and use to get on very well.

When we found out I was pregnant my DP made it very clear he didn't want to carry on with the pregnancy, we argued loads about it and in the end I took it upon myself to not abort the baby, I told him he can either stay with me and support my decision or leave, it sounds selfish, but to me I was already in love with my baby.... I have previously had an abortion and I have never hated myself so much, I regret it and always will confused therefore i just couldn't do it. He said he would stick by me and our baby. Although being happy about the pregnancy was hard around him at our 12week scan he seemed to change he was happy and started talking abou the baby more... Now everytimw we argue or get in a disagreement or drunk he always throws in my face how he didn't want this baby and I'm making him have it, I'm making him grow up, he's not ready... He's only staying with me for the baby etc i feel like he is treating me badly all the time through resentment, through me "making" him have this baby... And I feel like I'm getting punished, he says im stopping him from doing what he wants, like going on boys drunken holidays etc... I'm upset and angry all the time, I'm hormonal and I just don't know which way to turn, everytime we fight he's leaving me and it seems that we argue a lot because of it, I don't know how to resolve this situation... I love this baby and I love my partner, I don't want to be a single mum to two kids sadsadsad

I don't want to be judged, I just want some reassurance and advice... How to approach the situation without fighting again, can I add, when he's sober or not arguing he takes what he has said back and tells me he only said the things through anger, this I disbelieve sad

kotinka Sun 05-May-13 12:24:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whatyousaying Sun 05-May-13 12:26:05

I meant when he is drunk, I do not drink smoke or harm my baby in other way, accident typo

kotinka Sun 05-May-13 12:28:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kotinka Sun 05-May-13 12:28:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LookingForwardToMarch Sun 05-May-13 12:30:06

I second that about the drinking, though I'm assuming (hope) it was a typo.

As for your dp I'm sorry that your relationship is turning out like this, but you may have to accept that you might end up a single parent again.

He made it clear he doesn't want this baby and feels trapped.

Do you really want to be with someone who feels like that and is probably staying because he thinks its the right thing to do and not because he wants to?

How is this atmosphere affecting your firstborn?

Whatyousaying Sun 05-May-13 12:31:54

I have also thought that may be an option but there is nowhere he could go really, sad

Whatyousaying Sun 05-May-13 12:33:03

My DS is oblivious to the situation... We are very careful about that

kotinka Sun 05-May-13 12:35:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whatyousaying Sun 05-May-13 12:36:55

His family don't really have the room for him, we had a great relationship, we were very happy and enjoying life together... That's what makes my situation for me, worse

DontmindifIdo Sun 05-May-13 12:45:52

Where did he live before? did he have his own space? Quite frankly, you aren't forcing him to stay, this is his choice. But it's your choice to be putting up with his narrative that you've trapped him - so set the man-child free, tell him he's got a week to move out, you've had enough of hearing how he doesn't want the baby, it's too late, it's happening, and obviously he's not got over the idea. He'll find somewhere, there will be someone at work with a spare room or a mate with a spare sofa until he can sort himself out.

I think it might be easier for you to do this now than once the baby has arrived/you're close to your due date. If, once you've had some space he wants to come back, it is on the understanding it's a deal breaker for you for him to say ever again he didn't want this baby. You'll have to stand firm on this.

Lj8893 Sun 05-May-13 12:46:11

Leave him!!!!

Either this is never going to change and he will continue doing this, think about the consequences of him saying these things to you when there is his child to overhear how unwanted they were.

Or you leave, and give you and you Dc the best life you can and who knows, you leaving him may shock him into sorting himself out!

kotinka Sun 05-May-13 12:51:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Viviennemary Sun 05-May-13 12:52:34

You can hope things improve once the baby is born. How old is he by the way. His behaviour surely must make it very difficult for you to retain any sort of affection or respect for him.

LookingForwardToMarch Sun 05-May-13 12:53:23

Dontmindifido has just given brilliant advice.

I agree that if the resentment had built up to much then that is the best way to see if your situation can still be salvaged.

I wouldn't stay with someone who couldn't be more supportive. I think you'll probably be better off without him. Good luck !

DontmindifIdo Sun 05-May-13 12:57:41

It also might change the attitude that you are forcing him to be a dad, throw him out now, he can only come back if he is 100% committed to being a dad to this child, you will expect him to leave if he decides he doesn't want too, not bitch about it.

This way, the slightest hint of a grumble from him you can answer with "well, it was your choice to move back in." Right now its "it was OP's choice to have a baby I didn't want." Make him decide and stick to his decision. He's a grown up, time to act like one.

joanofarchitrave Sun 05-May-13 12:58:36

'he didn't want this baby and I'm making him have it, I'm making him grow up, he's not ready... He's only staying with me for the baby'

Sounds like he will say pretty much anything when he is angry or drunk. He is an adult and has made choices, in fact he makes them every day he is still there. Tell him you're happy that he is with you, you are looking forward to being a family together, but that you won't put up with being constantly blamed for a normal situation or for making choices of your own.

Wuldric Sun 05-May-13 13:02:03

OP, I am very sorry for your situation, but I don't think that this can ever work out.

Having a child is a binary decision - you either have a child or you do not. You want this child. He does not. I doubt it will work out. You both sound very young (apologies if this is not the case). He wants his youth.

DontmindifIdo Sun 05-May-13 13:02:13

BTW - right now he thinks he's the injured party and is acting like all this is just happening too him (hate people who act like stuff that happens as direct concequence of their own actions just magically happened). By throwing him out and making him decide if he wants to come back, you are forcing it to be something he activity choses, not passively accepts then whinges about.

He might not come back, he might be happier on his own than with you, in which case, you were only living on borrowed time anyway, and he'd probably have left after you had the baby, at least this way you've got time to prepare for being a single mum of 2 and he'd be leaving at a less emotionally vunerable point.

Maybe he could leave and you could hope to still be friends with him having some input into his child's life - such as visiting regularly and paying some maintenance, and keeping in touch with your DS too. I think this may be the best you can hope for given how things are now.
But agree with *Dontmind" too. Throwing him out and seeing if he chooses to come back sounds a good strategy.

Whether he stays or goes, it sounds like you will be a dongle mum regardless. Question is do u want two or three??

It will be easier on your own in a calm quiet house where things can be done your way, than with a bolshy, argumentative hurtful man child. X

Whether he stays or goes, it sounds like you will be a single mum regardless. Question is do u want two or three??

It will be easier on your own in a calm quiet house where things can be done your way, than with a bolshy, argumentative hurtful man child. X

Sorry for typo in first post blush

I wondered what a "dongle mum" was caff grin

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