Would you like to be a member of our research panel? Join here - there's (nearly) always a great incentive offered for your views.
Not the reaction I wanted :((37 Posts)
So today me and dp went and told both sets of parents that I'm pregnant. My family were absolutely ecstatic, my mum and sister were in tears and my dad even had a wee tear in his eye it was lovely.
Then,we went round to his parents house. Disaster just about covers that. His mum wouldn't even congratulate him, kept going on about when were going to get married, IM BLOODY 27 AND HE'S 30!!!!!!! I think I can make an informed decision about what's important to me! It's not as if it wasn't planned! We have our own house, good jobs etc. I'm so disappointed, I've spent the last 45mins in floods of tears. DP just wanted to walk out and was just sitting there wanting to cry, it was awful. She totally ruined it for his dad too, he looked so happy. Gutted.
Sorry just needed to vent....
To be fair your MIL may be reacting based on her own experiences or what she saw growing up. It may not have as much to do with you personally as you think. Choosing to have a child before marrying is a relatively recent development. She could have kept her thoughts to herself though! Congrats.
I am dreading the reaction of DPs parents to the news of our pregnancy. We met less than a year ago, I am 40, he is 46 and has a DD(8), this was a complete accident/shock. I don't even want to be there when he tells them!
MIL sounds like a pain but, as someone else said, may just be concerned for your welfare (or worrying what the neighbours will think!) congratulations and good luck x
Best thing to say - it's ok if you're not interested we won't bother you with the baby when it arrives. Stupid stupid woman.
I sympathise as underwhelmed would be a major overstatment at my MIL's reaction. Bearing in mind we had been trying for 7 years and she was desperate for a gc. Turns out she was only desperate for a gc from SIL.
I had my DD on 20th Dec - it's a good date
Ha! When we told mine & explained we didn't want anyone to know until the 12 week scan, she told us 'these things get out' & then told us about all the late miscarriages & still births that could happen so the 12 weeks makes no difference. She then went on to tell everyone. MiL's are a funny breed.
Big congrats! xx
She really needs to loosen her judgey-pants and be happy fgs! My DP's family are extremely religious, yet they were ecstatic and never mentioned the marriage thing. If they can push it to one side, then so can she. Give her time..
im not married to dp, unplanned pg. massive shock. dp is from a very traditional catholic family and his parents are both much older than mine, in their 70s, so big diff in upbringing. dp said himself he would never have planned a pg outside of marriage, thats just the way he was raised. anyhoo, we are both over the initial shock and very much looking forward to meeting our baby.
when he told his parents the news his mum was in bits. this wasnt a surprise as she fell out with her only daughter for 6 mths when she found out that she and her dp were living together. his mum was raised to believe in no sex before marriage etc. nothing wrong in that, its how she was raised and how she raised her own.
thankfully though the rest of his siblings were delighted for us, i had expected to be cast out by the whole family. his mum bless her, came around quicker than i expected, took her a few days but i can gladly say its never affected my relationship with her, shes a lovely woman and im very fond of her.
id say its prob a generation thing as has been mentioned (getting married before children etc) and if you give her some time and space she will come around. she would be very foolish not to as it would be her and her new gc who would miss out.
shit ive rambled on. sorry lol. hth.
Poor you, please don't let it spoil your enjoyment of this time at all. As you get along well normally, I'm sure she'll come round and realise her reaction was out of order. DH's brother and sister in law weren't married and fell pregnant (they weren't actually trying but had been together for years, house, jobs etc) and I'm sure MIL would have preferred them to be married in an ideal world (she's quite traditional) but I know she didn't react like that and was still thrilled! Can your DP talk to her (if it was my mum she would get a real telling off but then she wouldn't act like that!) Sorry and congratulations, focus on all the good reactions and how you feel about it
We weren't married when I became pregnant - DP wasn't interested. I trained in law, so know that it is legally beneficial to be married.... but I wasn't going to pester him. When I got pregant (planned) he suddenly had a Road to Damascus conversion, but I wasn't getting married with a huge belly, thanks. So here we are, our DS is 3 1/4, and we still haven't gotten around to getting married. His Mum isn't best pleased, since she is very religious. She keeps sending my DS bibles, etc for his presents. We think we'll run away to Gretna Green, eventually.
You can't please everyone, sadly. But she's the only Grandma my son has, so I make the best of this aspect of her personality.
Congratulations on your pg!
Unfortunately, every parent will have set ideas about how they want their children's lives to pan out. I'm pg with my 1st child and as much as I think I'll be a laid back parent, I know there'll be some things I will still wish for my children over others. Obviously for your DP's mother, she was hoping for a wedding.
My parents would have been disappointed if we hadn't married first, but know they would have been happy in the long run.
I'm sure she'll come round.
My mil is & always will be a cow
Some say its her personality & to get over it but i see straight through her
I put up with similar things when I fell pregnant
Me & oh are together for 9 years now & I've learnt just to let her crack on with her bs
Be happy & ignore her ;)
Just ignore your MIL!! When me an DH told my parents they were over the moon like yours were but when we went to tell my DHs parents they seemed less pleased (altho PIL did shed a slight tear) but MIL asked DH (away from my ear shot) if it was planned and if he was happy. If she had said that an I'd have heard her then I would have had to say something to her (only found out she had said that later). My view is it's no one else's business but yours an your DPs. Our pregnancy was planned and were married but she still had something to say.
Try an not let it bother you (I know it's easier said than done tho) I'm now 30 weeks pregnant and to be honest I still don't feel that MIL is that interested in the pregnancy but maybe it's because this will be her 3rd grandchild?!? Just enjoy your pregnancy
My MIL was overjoyed when we told her but did spend the first five minutes checking we weren't joking (as if we would joke about being pregnant). We waited ages before we tried and was lucky to get pregnant straight away but I think my inlaws family had privately concluded we couldn't have children because we waited so long after we got married. My BIL was in shock and kept saying it was early days. My other BIL and his wife were similarly shocked and subdued - they all have children by the way. I think they thought we were infertile and that when we announced the pregnancy they didn't know how to handle it.
People at work not the team I am in at the moment all think I have had IVF.
My own extended family thought I had miscarriages or couldn't get pregnant as well.
And all this even though we were very open saying we weren't trying and weren't sure we wanted children. My parents divorced when i was younger and I always wanted to be sure my marriage was good and that I would want the child. I helped raise my much younger siblings when I was a teenager so knew how much responsibility was involved. People's reactions are funny at times but try not to let them bother you.
Congratulations on your good news!
So sorry to hear you are going through this, people can be so insensitive.
I am almost 17 weeks and STILL haven't told my parents yet as am terrified of their reaction (have posted previously and had some great advice from lovely people here).
My in laws reacted well and are by supportive, so if my parents do react badly as I suspect they will, at least I have one set on side!
Reminds me of my MIL... 1st pregnancy she asked if it was good news, even though she knew we'd lost 2 pregnancies and we were TTCing.
2nd pregnancy she made some comment about tying a knot in it now
3rd she said we were barmy, we'd have to have 4 because you can't have an odd number. That was infront of my mum and I'm one of three. DM is one of five
4th she just went silent. Being prepared for her negative reaction, I quipped that we'd done it for her as she was so insistent after DC3 that we should have 4. She denied ever saying it.
Not once did anyone from DHs side of the family say congratulations!
Same dates as me and same age for both DP and I! December babies! woo. I've been quite poorly so I've gone from excited to miserable fairly frequently. Was terrified of telling dp's parents but they (luckily) have been very excited, I don't think they expected grandkids. Initial reaction was met with shocked silence and oddest response was from my dad, had to tell them over the phone because they live far away and he said "Oh puddin', what are you like?" I was instantly upset but now it makes me giggle, shock can make people speak before they think. I'm sure as you go further along her grandmummy excitement will take over any dated notion or expectations and hopefully she will apologise/ attempt to make it up to to you. Be excited and happy, realistically the only real feelings towards this news that count are yours and dp's. CONGRATULATIONS MUMMY!
You might want to think that this has more to do with her disaproving of her DS than you or not wanting to be a grandmother - she might well be upset he's not marrying you because he's "not doing right by you" (there's other threads going about the legal implications of not being married, she might well be aware of the importance, particularly for a generation of woman who either didn't work, or didn't have jobs that paid anywhere near as much as their DH). She may well have raised him to believe that marriage is important for a nice man to do because it protects the mother of his child financially and she's disappointed in him, because she sees marriage as something she'd expect him to offer, and expect you to want, when there's a baby on the way - and she's clumsily trying to be on your side...
It might well need to be that you make it clear that you are happy not to get married and are aware of the legal implications of not being, not that you want to be married and her son won't marry you.
Your parents probably have a better idea of your independence, your personal financial situation, that you were at the stage to plan a baby.
She might well be a great and overexcited grandmother when it happens!
Ah, that's a shame, I'm sure she will come around - some people are just different about the way they feel about things. My MIL (and we ARE married) STILL told us it was too soon, 'early days anyway so don't get excited' and the other day told me that she 'didn't have anything to look forward to these days' I pointed out that she would have her first grandson in less than 7 weeks but was greeted with 'well I can't get excited about something like that, that's happening to you, not me'.
She was the same when we got married and I've just learnt now not to worry about it. She will love the baby when he's here, in her own special sour way and has bought us the cot furnature so is obviously vaguely happy about it but honestly to look at her you would never know!
She will come around and I promise will love the baby.
Big BIG congratulations, what an amazing Christmas present!! xx
Oh dear! Ignore her and try to move past it. Sometimes people react in ways they don't expect.
My lovely jovial supportive wonderful DM said 'am I supposed to take this seriously?' and then refused to talk about it when I announced I was getting married for example. I was 27 - it wasn't crazy! She really regretted it when I went ahead and started to plan my wedding and bought a dress without her. Now i think she just finds the whole thing slightly mortifying.
If you've got a history if getting on we'll, give her time and the benefit if the doubt.
I had simular when pregnant with dd2, pil weren't impressed and where more interested in the fact we would have to move out and didn't want us to leave and went on and on about how we weren't married.
Just ignore it will pass and they will get excited once baby is here!
I think she will have a think how she reacted and hopefully his dad will say something to her and hopefully you will get an apology.. Congratulations on your pregnancy I'm 9 weeks so expecting a December baby too and guess what we arnt married either!
Well she won't be interested in seeing the baby then, will she...?
And can we stop with the generation thing-if 1986 is OP's birth year-then I'm at nearly 50 probably that generation!
I'd prefer my children to marry first-they know that-but that's all it is-a preference of mine!
My older sibling has a child & has never married & all the parents-equivalent to OP's GPs(?) coped with it!
I feel for you, but , the baby's more important than the reaction of a woman who isn't even your MIL.
It's quite a good sign that she wants you to marry her son tho'... she could have said a lot worse. Prob just generational worries.
Yeah we get on really well normally. I met my DP because Ive been friends with his sister most of my life.
He's gutted too, more because of how his family reacted compared to mine, and because of how upset I am.
I know that's all that matters, that's what I keep saying.
Aww I'm sorry to hear that.. Do you generally get on with her? When we told my dp mum she said well its early days and she has not mentioned it since! I was furious.. You know it's early days but its not the first thing that should come out of her mouth. How does your dp feel? Mine was pretty gutted. But we've decided who cares aslong as we are happy that's all that matters
Join the discussion
Please login first.