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Help who may the dad be

(133 Posts)
leigh1991 Sat 27-Apr-13 11:36:35

I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and i made a stupid mistake drunk and had a 1 night stand early hours on the 27 th march this year i found out this month april 11th i was 3+ weeks pregnant so am not sure hu the dad is if i was pregnant to the one night stand shouldn't the test say 2 weeks as 27 th to the 11 april is not more than 3 weeks plus i did take the morning after pill the day after i had a one night stand on the 28 th of march , but i still not 100 percent its just crazy how all year av been with my fella and march i get pregnant and had a one night stand , i calculated my last period which was the 4 th march so i used a due date calculator and it showed days where i was fertile and he day i may of conceived and it showed dates before the 27 th (one night stand) It said i conceived around the 18 th so i may already of been pregnant before the 27 th i am so scares and worried but when i took the clear blue the test said i was to far gone for it to have been the 27 th march ?????

harleyd Sat 27-Apr-13 13:26:54

theres no point in trying to guess who the dad might be.
you need to be honest with your boyfriend

WouldBeHarrietVane Sat 27-Apr-13 13:36:00

Yes - definitely tell your best friend ASAP - you need RL support and especially if you are prone to get down at times anyway.

I agree the fact the morning after pill didn't prevent pg also strongly suggests this is your bf's baby. The ma pill is 95% effective if taken within the first 24 hours after unprotected sex - see here:

www.bpas.org/bpaswoman/ec-how-it-works

So basically, for this to be the baby of the guy you had the one night stand with all the following would have to be true, assuming you have a 28 day cycle:

- you would have to have ovulated very late for you
- you would have to be in the 5% of people for whom the ma pill doesn't work
- you would have to be in the 8% of testers for whom the cb conception indicator isn't accurate

It is not impossible that you could have conceived on the 27th - all the above could be true and will be for some people. However, it is more likely, statistically speaking, that it is your bf's baby.

It's not about what he wants by the way, it's about what you want.

Audrey2013 Sat 27-Apr-13 13:37:34

Just wanted to mention I had my dating scan at Fetal Medicine Centre and they confirmed my dates to a day! They said it's 10weeks+3days and I KNOW that's true as I was using ovulation tests and my DH was traveling quite a bit, so I just know when we dtd that worked...
Hugs!

WouldBeHarrietVane Sat 27-Apr-13 13:42:07

About the pains - that could have been implantation you were feeling - the link below says you can get that around ten days after conception. If you had that on the 29th, again that suggests you conceived around the middle of your cycle.

www.babycentre.co.uk/top-10-signs-of-pregnancy

ProphetOfDoom Sat 27-Apr-13 13:49:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WouldBeHarrietVane Sat 27-Apr-13 14:01:00

I had a dating scan at the Fetal Medicine Centre too, but I can't remember what they said the accuracy was and I didn't ask.

Early dating scans at 8 weeks are accurate to within 3-4 days, if you look at the ('early first trimester section') according to this US website:

www.obgynsono.com/prenatal.html

So, theoretically, if you went for a private dating scan in the next week or so, they could maybe give you their view on the date, which might confirm again that it is likely you conceived in the middle of your cycle with your bf.

If you are anywhere near London a viability scan at the FMC is £100, which I know is expensive:

www.fetalmedicine.com/fmc/treatment-fees/

I found them very good. You would need to call and check they will offering dating at this scan.

ihearsounds Sat 27-Apr-13 14:02:51

You need to tell him because chances are at some point he will find out.
In 8 months time he will find it strange that you are doing a dna test.
Even if you decide to not do this, which is really unfair, the ons might say something, because he will be wondering if its his because of the dates.

leigh1991 Sat 27-Apr-13 14:09:41

Thank you every one my best mate i have told now so i feel a bit better she rekons its my bfs but she is guna tell me what i want to hear but she thinks the dates and stuff do come down to y bf but like i say i will have to see on my dating scan it said on the cycle calender that i was fertile around the middle of march not the end and i had pains only 3 or 4 days after the 1night stand so i thought maybe i was already pregnant when in had the ONst and when i took morning after pill so it a very small percentage its the other lads

pinkr Sat 27-Apr-13 15:21:46

You do need to find out for sure though...wishful thinking and going about dates etc won't help. I know my baby is my husbands but our dates shouldn't be right etc based on ovulation and sts. It would be cruel to let your man believe he's the dad if you don't know for sure. What will happen if he find out years down the line after raising the child? You need to get proper medical advice, not listen to your bf.

ProphetOfDoom Sat 27-Apr-13 15:35:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ihearsounds Sat 27-Apr-13 15:45:07

No she went to Cornwall on the 29th, 2 days later.
She has to tell him because a part of a relationship is to be honest with each other.
He will also think its strange that for the next couple of months they will be using condoms. Not all std's show up in testing straight away.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Sat 27-Apr-13 15:49:30

I hope you come to a decision you are happy with leigh

I would advise caution about the online fertility charts, they are based on an average cycle and are wrong for lots of people (including me)

Whatever you decide about the baby is your decision only and you are the one who will have to live with it either way so I do think it's worth talking to some professionals. But I do think it would be completely unfair to keep your partner in the dark, in fact probably the biggest betrayal there is. He deserves to know there is a chance the child he will be raising and loving isn't his. He might decide it doesn't matter, he might decide he needs a DNA test or he might decide to leave you for having the ons, but those are all his decisions to make and it would be incredibly awful of you to take them away from him

ProphetOfDoom Sat 27-Apr-13 15:49:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alwayslateforwork Sat 27-Apr-13 15:55:27

You had a one night stand whilst you were in an existing long term relationship, with a man who you know well and has a family of his own already? With no condoms?

I'd stop drinking, tbh.

There is absolutely no way you can tell you for sure without a DNA test. There just isn't. And no professional will tell you otherwise.

I appreciate that you feel guilty, but that isn't going to go away, so you have to deal with it.

Good luck with the rest of your pg.

leigh1991 Sat 27-Apr-13 15:56:50

I will just see on dating scan i am guna try n get a early one and speak to a midwife nothin else i can do i will leave t as that now i just got to hope and pray he is the dad

Alexandra6 Sat 27-Apr-13 16:10:46

What a situation...personally I would tell him the truth though. I couldn't bear it if I knew someone I loved had kept this from me - even if I never found out, to me it's just wrong. I'm big on honesty and I couldn't bear the deceit if I knew someone hadn't been straight with me about something like this. You'll do what you want to do though, just wanted to give my opinion. And I think you said this other guy has a family himself and a gf? Feel sorry for them.

leigh1991 Sat 27-Apr-13 16:13:44

Yeh he does i found out after it happend i feel sorry for them too also my bf i am just going to have to think alot and speak to me friend / gp

zeeboo Sat 27-Apr-13 16:28:07

There is only one way to find out who the father is and that is DNA. I was told when I'd conceived at the 8week scan and at the 12 week scan. Both were out, One by 4 days, one by 7.
I only had sex once in 8weeks I knew when I'd conceived.
I also had a normal cycle most of my life but conceived dd on CD21. No one knows why or how. All my others were bang on mid cycle in the fertile window.
I've had a negative CB digi test when I was 4wks pg so wouldn't believe a word they say.
In your shoes I'd tell my boyfriend or terminate. If I wa telling him any lies I'd rather fake a miscarriage than bring a baby that might not be his into the world and not tell him. Though the truth would be the adult thing to do.

Good luck Leigh, we have all done stupid things, it's how you deal with them that determines the sort of life you want to live.

However, bear in mind if you decide to say nothing, and as the child grows you realise it's probably the ONS, you will be lying to your BF and your child.

Newtobecomingamum Sat 27-Apr-13 17:37:24

The best thing you can do is be honest and tell your boyfriend what happened. The secret will eat you up inside, play on your mind every minute of the day, the guilt will eat away at you and it will be such a stressful time for you and your baby. Do you have to tell your boyfriend who the other man was?? If you know the other man wouldn't care, wouldn't want to be there and has his own family and doesn't want anything to do with the baby etc...Couldn't you just say it was a drunken one night stand with a man you met. I know this is lying a little, but at least he would know the situation and not be led to think it was his baby from the start. This is only my opinion and what I would do, but I strongly believe that you cannot (and it is wrong) for your boyfriend not to be aware of the situation and that there is the possibility it may not be his. He may stick by you as it might be his and then the DNA test will confirm after or it might be too much for him and he leaves you. You then have the DNA text after the baby is born and if it is his you might have a chance of getting back with him. However, if you lie from the start to the end and he finds out, he may never be able to forgive you and could you really live with such a lie? Big hugs though, really feel for you but please don't let this poor man bring up a baby that might not be his X x

DizzyDizzy Sat 27-Apr-13 18:13:14

There's NO way of telling whether the baby is your partner's or the one night stand if you haven't had a period in between. I would definetly tell your partner. If you live in a town like I do, at some point this one night stand is going to come out, and if your partner starts to hear rumours, it's unlikely you'll be able to deny it if there's a child's paternity at stake. Obviously the pregnancy is most likely going to be a rough ride, as I'm sure your partner won't be over the moon to hear it might not be his child, but atleast you won't spend the whole time wondering if or when he could find out. Even if you don't tell the one night stand immediatly, you will have to at some point to get a paternity test, and I'm not sure where you stand legally, when it comes to taking a DNA without your partner's consent (as it will be his DNA your testing against the child as well I hope you get the answer you want though, and good luck xxxx

leigh1991 Sat 27-Apr-13 18:36:03

Yeh i understand everyone is saying it as if its defo the other persons ino there is a chance but there is ony a small perentage as i took morning after pill and my hormones where to strong when i took the test and i had pains already only 3 days after the 0ns i really do think i was already preg wen i had one night stand

Newtobecomingamum Sat 27-Apr-13 18:42:54

I can see how you are thinking but the problem is.... There is a chance/possibility as you can't be 100%. That's the issue. Your poor mind and heart is trying to find a reason not to tell him... 'only a small percentage etc' but it's still a percentage. Can you live with lying to him? I think all the people saying that you should be honest are just trying to reason with you and the reality of the situation. Please don't take it the wrong way, we are just trying to help X x

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 27-Apr-13 18:47:53

My BIL's first child is sort of suspected not to be his, his first partner was having an affair with someone at around the time of conceiving. She never admitted to him that this was the case, but he knew deep down. She never told him the baby might not be his. The suspicion was always there but BIL to his credit, adored his DS and told us he didn't care if he wasn't his, he loved him and no DNA test would change that. He remarried and had two more children by another mother - there is significant similarities between the two brothers that we are all pretty sure DS1 is BILs. He is an amazing father and idolises his DS1 and does everything in his power to ensure he feels part of the new family too.

If i were you OP i would not say anything to your DP, unless there is a strong chance that the other guy would say something, then of course you do have to say something. It really is more likely to be your DPs though, not 100% though.

MumfordandDaughter Sat 27-Apr-13 18:49:45

Leigh, when your child asks in future who its father is, you can't say, "I <think> it's Bob/Harry/Tom". You owe it to your child to be 100% sure. And the only way to do this is by carrying out a paternity test once you give birth.

I'm not sure there's any way of doing this without your partner finding out, but even if there's not, it still has to be done. It might mean a lot of bravery and sacrifices on your part, but your child deserves to know the truth.

What happens if (God forbid) your child became really ill and needed some sort of parent body part donation? What if that was the time your partner found out? How could he ever forgive you?

Your partner deserves the truth now. He should be able to make his own decision about whether or not he wants to stick by this pregnancy, knowing there's a chance (however slight) he isn't the father. He also should know the paternity of the child before he begins to provide/forms a bond with it. Shouldn't he be allowed to make his own decision about whether or not he wants to bring up another man's child?

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