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Its a girl!- bugger

(247 Posts)
HotPie Fri 26-Apr-13 15:14:59

So I am 19 weeks gone with baby number one and just found out its a girl. The baby in my head was a boy. We were going to play lego and climb trees and get muddy together.

I thought at first it would be ok, after all its up to me and my partner how we raise her, but friends with girls have said I may not be able to avoid the pink princess stage, my mother in law is intent on dolls and frills and the other "mothers of girls" are drving me crazy with talk of "cuteness"

I have no interest in "sweet little outfits" or those flowery headbands (how weird are they) or playing with dolls and I dispise the kind of girl who plays "dressing up as princesses" just as much as I did when I was a little girl too. I am so scared I am going to get a pink loving girl and that I will dislike my daughter.

I feel like a terrible person, I know how lucky we are to have a ( hopefully) healthy child on the way. Please someone tell me about their mud loving daughter.

thebeastandbeauty Fri 26-Apr-13 16:18:42

Artex monkey - that's funny about the bragging about having a tomboy.

It's a very 'mn' thing - like being desperate to boast about how your wedding only cost £4.50 grin

thebeastandbeauty Fri 26-Apr-13 16:19:42

Nope, you've still lost me, OP.

You think a daughter would be boring, but not a son?

How so? Are boys and men never boring then?

OP I actually find your post very upsetting. There are many sides to all our personalities and to despise perfectly harmless traits is just horrible.
I think boys and girls should play with dolls btw. It's one of the ways we learn how to behave to one another. By modelling behaviour we see.

I really hope you can get past this because atm I'm feeling rather sorry for your daughter. Nobody should be shoehorned in to pink ribbon hell - but nobody should be denied it either.

MyNameIsAnAnagram Fri 26-Apr-13 16:21:30

Ds is two and loves baking, dressing up as upsy daisy and cuddles with mummy. If you were having a boy he might not like Lego or climbing trees. You are very sexist. I suggest checking out the "let toys be toys" campaign and cast some of your assumptions aside.

And Artex is absolutely right when she says 'i think society gives us quite enough messages about how the pursuits of women/girls are daft and trivial whereas the pursuits of men/boys are precious and valuable as it is'.

AThingInYourLife Fri 26-Apr-13 16:22:28

"I can't get over why you'd have children if you were only prepared to have one 'version' of them."

I doubt she was only prepared to have one version.

There seems to be something quite shocking for some people about the 20 week scan because (if you find out the gender) you go from the vagueness of "a baby" to the certainty of "a boy" or "a girl".

It seems to make certain things real. And it seems that you're finding out really important information about the baby, when in fact it's just an easy thing to see on a sonogram.

People's sexism often seems to come out, particularly if what they are told doesn't match their expectations.

LinusVanPelt Fri 26-Apr-13 16:22:42

We were going to play lego and climb trees and get muddy together."

confused

You can do that with any child.

Maybe you should examine your sexist assumptions before she is born.

^^ THIS!!!

Do you not realise that attitudes like yours - that tree climbing and lego are for boys, and that little girls are vapid things, ornamental really - are the reason why the toy manufacturers, and the clothing retailers, and the media are able to perpetuate this stupid myth that there's only one way to be 'girly'?

Don't buy into it. And if you do buy into it, don't blame it on the fact that your baby was born a girl. She might well enjoy playing princess and dressing up sometimes and there's nothing at all wrong with that.

But if you really assume that she won't want to build things and climb things and get dirty sometimes splashing in mud puddles, just because she's not a boy , make no mistake about whose fault it will be if you never experience those things with your child: it will have been you who let her down by limiting her World, not the other way around.

HotPie Fri 26-Apr-13 16:24:11

piprabbit,

It was 30 messages in about 20 minutes! I popped down the shop, I didn't know things would be so fast and actually someone did mention the spelling error.

Fluffy1234 Fri 26-Apr-13 16:24:19

As the mother of a child with a disability I find your post upsetting OP.

TrixieLox Fri 26-Apr-13 16:24:25

Ha ha, AThingInYourLife, I was so into my rant, that I completely forgot pigs are pink! That actually made me laugh out loud. Okay, I probably took that a bit far, was totally unfair of me to pick on poor little Peppa and be a complete dumb ass to boot. ;-)

No, not everything pink is shit. But I'm just sick to death of it being thrown in my face now I'm pregnant with a girl. And it's a genuine consideration: do some little girls actually genuinely like pink? Are they aesthetically attracted to it? Or is everything around them making them 'think pink'? Genuinely interested and hope my little girl can find her own way (and if that way's pink, so be it, we already have a couple of pink outfits for her!).

YouDontWinFriendsWithSalad Fri 26-Apr-13 16:26:55

I had a boy in my head, too, didn't even have any girls' names picked out!

22 month old DD is a little scruffball, always in jeans, climbing stuff, jumping in puddles (thanks to an obsession with Peppa Pig) and has developed an obsession with tractors and aeroplanes.

Girls are ace, OP! And they're all so different anyway, they're certainly not all pink frilly-dress wearers. They're the minority in my opinion.

thebeastandbeauty Fri 26-Apr-13 16:26:59

"I'm just sick to death of it being thrown in my face now I'm pregnant with a girl"

I've had 2 girls. I don't actually know what you're talking about.

You don't like the pink clothes, you don't buy them.

Not difficult.

AThingInYourLife Fri 26-Apr-13 16:27:31

"I really meant bored. I don't like girly women, I never have. I zone out when they start talking about shoes and spray tans"

hmm

Aren't you just great being so superior to other women?

You're practically as cool as a MAN.

HeadFairy Fri 26-Apr-13 16:27:53

I suddenly had visions of having a child I had absolutely nothing in common with

You will have something in common with her.... your DNA.

To be fair to you, it really isn't something anyone understands until they've had their own children. It's inexplicable but even if you daughter turns out to be a full on tiara wearing, fairy wing owning, pinkest princess in town you will still love the bones of her because she's yours.

Really, truly, affinity for mud and trees is NOT innately gender-linked. There is no evidence for that idea whatsoever (although children do get socialised into gender roles). Read Lise Eliot's Pink Brain, Blue Brain for a neuroscientist's overview of the relevant research.

YES some girls like pink. Some like purple. Some like green. Kind of like the women they will grow up to be. Saying 'my daughter can never have pink!' I as bad as saying she can ONLy have pink.

I have three daughters and his thread is really depressing me. I didn't realise my precious girls who like climbing and nail varnish and swimming and bags and trains and shoes and animals were so despised.

Springforward Fri 26-Apr-13 16:32:11

OP, I kind of get where you're coming from. I'm currently carrying a girl (barring scan mistake, obviously!) and I'm not doing very well with the idea of a pink princess playing with toy vacuum cleaners and irons. So I'm dealing with it by not buying anything pink. I kind of figure that if she's my daughter then it's up to me how I dress her in the early years and what toys and activities I make available to her, and whether or not they are gender neutral. DH is thrilled at the idea of having a girl this time but also feels the same way about frilly dresses and "girl" toys etc. When she's at nursery I guess we'll just have to see how things go.

FWIW DS may have developed a slightly worrying interest in guns at the grand old age of 4 but that doesn't mean he's got a toy arsenal at home....

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Fri 26-Apr-13 16:32:28

You are going to get who you get and you won't mind at all. You may not want a pink frilly girl but, I promise you that, you won't mind if you do. Chances are she will be more like you but you will love her for who she is.
My DD 16 is much more likely to help me with the DIY, climb trees, drive (?) etc etc than her brother although she is not adverse to glitter and girly'ness

TigerSwallowTail Fri 26-Apr-13 16:33:05

I'm pregnant with dd just now so can't comment on my experience of raising girls just yet but when I was young I despised the colour pink, would only wear jeans or dungarees and played with action men. I have a DS and he hates climbing trees and getting muddy so you'd have no guarantee that if you had a boy that he'd be exactly the way you imagined him anyway.

kelda Fri 26-Apr-13 16:34:53

You do seem to have a very derogatory idea of what women are like.

I don't know anyone who uses spray tans or screams at the sight of a mousehmm And even if they did, that doesn't make them worth any less.

You seem to dislike women. Let's hope you don't pass this dislike onto your daughter.

Branleuse Fri 26-Apr-13 16:36:14

dont buy the pink sparkly stuff if you dont want her to wear it.

AThingInYourLife Fri 26-Apr-13 16:38:17

"And it's a genuine consideration: do some little girls actually genuinely like pink? Are they aesthetically attracted to it? Or is everything around them making them 'think pink'?"

IME and O there is a massive cultural pressure on girls to like pink.

And for little girls it is a lot more than just a colour.

Both my bigger girls (at around 3, when they start to think of themselves as a girl) went through a pink phase.

DD1 is (thankfully) through it. DD2 thinks that if you wear trousers that makes you a boy.

I don't agree that you can't influence your children to like certain things. You can't stop them wanting to be a princess, but you can talk to them about what it means to be a princess and how rubbish it is to want nothing out of life other than looking pretty.

There is a real issue with the messages little girls get about the toys they should play with, the things they should like.

But sexist assumptions about how boys are brilliant and girls are boring and vapid are even more damaging than full buy-in to the pink agenda. At least people who deliberately aim to raise little "princesses" recognise that girls are cool.

Tingalingle Fri 26-Apr-13 16:38:27

Well, OP, I'll admit to being rather bemused by DD's pink phase and earnest wish to play Sylvanian Families with me whilst wearing a tutu, but you know what? I find her very far from boring. She's a strong-minded, intelligent young girl, and I'm far less readily irritated by her differences from me than by the boys' remarkable inheritance of most of my more obvious faults (sigh).

mind you DH has taken longer to come to terms with DS doing dance for GCSE

HotPie Fri 26-Apr-13 16:39:53

I never DID think these things were gender linked, I was perfectly happy with having a girl immediately after I found out, but then got freaked out by the stories from other mothers and family friends who kept telling me about how she was going to be and what it was going to be like. I started to think that maybe I was wrong, that I was unusual and that for 90% of girls there was some innate "frilly" gene.

I am sorry if people are offended that I do not like girly girls and have never got on with them. I have plenty of women friends. I LIKE plenty of women, I just don't like GIRLY. There is a big difference and maybe the people who don't see that are being a bit sexist.

midori1999 Fri 26-Apr-13 16:41:31

Aren't you just great being so superior to other women?

You're practically as cool as a MAN.

Quite.

How sad OP that you think you are more likely to have more in common with a child of the opposite gender to yourself. How sad that you don't think you fit the 'traditional' girls' mould, but yet you gender sterotype so strongly. hmm

I have thee boys, I have had three girls, although only one girl is living. It winds the crap out of me that everyone says 'oh, a girl after three boys' because there really isn't much difference. My boys are all fairly similar to me, so is my daughter. Last night my DD, 22 months, was in the bath with her brother who farted. She then started to try her best to fart, which she did successfully a few times, and found it absolutely hilarious, she couldn't stop giggling. My boys were/are the same.

Regardless of gender anyway, children are individuals and they may turn out nothing like you, but they are your children and you will love them and admire them regardless.

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