Hello, I'm new, be gentle with me!
I'm 41 and around 4 weeks pregnant with my first, and longed for, baby.
I married my husband 4 years ago. He was divorced when we met, and had 2 children, now 18 and 16, from his first marriage. He's 48. We both have good careers and no money worries. I'd have said that we were happily married, although he can be quite selfish.
Before we were engaged, he told me, unprompted, that he'd be open to the idea of having more children. I wouldn't have married him had he not been; it was important to me.
When I turned 40 I decided that we should start trying for a child. I'd wanted us to have some time as a couple first. My husband announced that he'd changed his mind and was no longer amenable to my having a baby because "he liked his life as it is" and "babies cause lots of arguments". (He has the life of Riley actually. Lovely house, plenty of time to ride his bike and pay his guitar, nice holidays etc). As you can imagine, this bombshell caused an argument; I told him that if he reneged on our agreement and deprived me of the chance to have a baby, then on some level I would resent him for the rest of my life and it would ultimately poison our marriage. He caved in eventually, but periodically he'd go into a sulk and tell me again that he didn't want another child because he thought it would stop him from pursuing his hobbies! I think he's selfish.
Anyway, after more than a year of hoping and trying, I got pregnant. I did the test and I can't tell you how pleased I was when it was positive. I told my husband and his reaction was,"well, congratulations I suppose". It can't have been a shock. He knows about the birds and the bees.
Since then, he's barely mentioned it. He said, "don't tell anyone, there's a good chance you'll lose it". Last week he was pretty grumpy, and he said, "sorry if I've been a bit grumpy, I'm under a lot of stress because I'm worried about....." I waited for him to say,"....you", but oh no! The thing he was worried about was a work project.
He must have noticed I was upset, and asked me what was wrong. I told him that he didn't seem interested in the fact that we were having a baby. He told me, rather coldly I thought, that he didn't want the baby, that he thinks it will ruin our lives and that he thought I was being selfish for expecting him to be pleased about it! I was in tears and said that I didn't want to be carrying a little unwanted baby. He said that I was being unfair for not considering his feelings more. He said that he "might come around to the idea" and I should "ask him what he thinks in 9 months' time".
I mentally told the baby not to listen, sorry if that sounds a bit bonkers.
I've got my first GP appointment tomorrow and he won't come with me because he thinks he'd be "hanging around like a spare part".
As you can probably tell, I'm really upset. I feel really unsupported, although I'm lucky to have a lovely family.
Has anybody been through something similar? What did you do and how did you cope? Would really appreciate any advice. Thanks.
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Pregnancy
Husband says he doesn't want our baby
Financeprincess · 21/04/2013 22:48
Hi OP,
I know this goes against the grain but you DH is probably shocked! he probably thought it would never happen. He has built a 'next 10 year plan' in his head and now has to rethink it all..... give him time.
I'm 43, when i got my very unexpected and unplaned BFP i cried for a month. i had to greive for all the dreams that had suddenly gone up in smoke and it took a long time for new nice baby dreams to replace them.
I have 2 much older DD (23 &25) and saw no reason to have another. I had told my DH during our relationship that i might try one day but as the years passed i put it out of my head.
He was ofcourse over the moon at the news and got very upset and angry with me at times for not wanting his baby.... it wasn't the baby i didn't want it was the loss of my wonderful life that hurt.
I'm now 27 weeks, and it's been an emotional rollercoster, i totally understand how he feels. I also get how you feel too. congratulations PG at 40+ is great.
chances are he will come round, best of luck 
Well the bad news is that his selfishness has caused this problem and actually having the baby won't help since it will be even harder for him to make life All About Him. The good news is, you have - fingers crossed - the thing you really longed for 
so congrats! Selfish men are ten a penny so I would give up trying to please him all the time - presumably that's what you have done till now, and look how he's repaid you! If the marriage continues, tell him it will be on your terms. Babies at 41 are less easy to come by. Cherish yours and let your husband decide what he wants to do. Leave him to it and don't pander to him. I know which I would keep if push came to shove.
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I will be gentle with you OP but will also be honest. We are the same age and my DC3 is due in 6 weeks. Will be loved and is wanted but not planned - when your DH didn't use contraception he lost imho the right to whinge about conception if he knew you weren't using anything. Now needs to man up - i know, i hate that phrase too but there you go.
My DH has not been to any of my appointments - i do not need him there as i would rather he took all his time off post birth so i get 6 weeks with him then. He is ostriching a lot atm as am I because we both know that for us personally the first couple of months is bloody hard going
As I said I am trying to be gentle and obviously each couple is different and each baby is different but from my own experience your husband isn't wrong about either the loss of your 'old life' or the negative impact/toll it can take on relationships and I say this as the one who felt all that despite being happy to fight tigers for my kids.
He said he did not want to be a dad again. You countered he was being selfish and your need to be a first time mum was greater. Funnily enough I had a similar conversation with my DH before we had DC2 - he didn't want another child but asked outright would I resent him if we didn't. I found that really hard to answer as logically all his reasons were correct but biologically it was a different matter...I probably came up with the pithy cliche of it being easier to regret stuff you do
than things you never did. We had mutual consensual unprotected sex a couple of times: DC2 made an appearance. No regrets, no dithering, no doubts - we are both grown-ups albeit lackadaisical
I do not regret any of my children and am immensely grateful to have had them. I love them to bits even the one not born yet. My DH is not daft - he helped make them so he is a hands-on excellent father, more patient than I am most of the time.
However your DH knows for himself how daunting parenting can be and that it is no picnic - if he felt railroaded/emotionally blackmailed into going for DC3 he is going to be panicking and resentful as there are no rose tinted spectacles, he is going into it with eyes wide open. I am not saying that condones his bitterness or indifference particularly about keeping it quiet (comment not called for even if statistically correct).
So now the real question for you both is how much you want to make it work together or would you rather do it alone (I wouldn't but I could understand if you did).
There was an anecdote in The Bitch in the House whereby a woman's husband had agreed to father another child (had two from previous
marriage) BUT only on the grounds that he was not expected to be a hands-on father and she would do all childcare/baby related things 
She agreed to it then felt u surprisingly resentful that she was doing it all and his life hadn't changed but didn't feel she could renege on what she had agreed to. That must suck.
My point being is that in some time over the next 8 months you both need to work out what you both can realistically do. For example my DH works bloody long hours and I exclusively bf so...I do all the nights but I get lay ins at the weekend. I do DC1'S HW with her - he does DC1's ICT stuff. I sort the recycling - he takes it down.
I cover all childcare, finding nurseries etc he does emergency pick ups and party drop offs.
We still fight like cat and dog over housework but if you are affluent you could get a cleaner 
If he still comes out with the 'i never wanted this baby' line then you have your answer - you will feel like a single mum anyway so may as well be one rather than having two babies to deal with if he is going to act like a little boy.
Nonetheless he needs to support you financially if nothing else if that is the outcome.
Congrats and good luck btw!
You never said whether he has 2 dd or ds or both btw - for me and mine totally irrelevant as DH just wanted me and the kids to be healthy...but again, without condoning it, he may feel he has been there, done that with one of each [sceptical] if not, maybe that will be an inroad? Gives self a 
Bottom line - your child will be loved by you and your family and hopefully its adult siblings. And it is a miraculous wonderful thing. So try to reduce your stress levels, hard i know, have a 
and put your feet up xx
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