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please don't flame me- I don't think I want this baby

(39 Posts)
quertas Mon 08-Apr-13 19:47:13

I'm sat here in tears hoping someone can offer some advice. I'm sorry for the long post and I've name changed for this because I don't want to out myself. I'm 29 weeks pg with a second DC and hating every minute of it. I have a 2 year old DD who I adore and this is... was... a wanted baby. I got pg first time of trying and I guess I wasn't expecting to get pg so soon. I was thinking it would take months if it happened at all. First time we had unprotected sex, bingo, pg.

At first I was pleased but as time's gone on I've realised I have no feelings for this baby at all. He moves and I find it irritating and wish he'd stop (he moves a lot). I resent being this fat and tired and ugly and everything that is going wrong with my body, which feels like all the minor and not so minor pregnancy niggles - sickness, tiredness, ringing in my ears, backaches, headaches, sleeplessness, you name it. I hate that I've hard to give up doing so many of the things I enjoy for this pregnancy and resent every minute I have to spend doing pregnancy related crap. DH has recently taken a new job and works a 2 hour commute away so, I hardly ever get to see him anymore. He didn't want a second child particularly but agreed to my request on the basis it'd make me happy. Now I find it hard to say I'm not happy.

I have literally no-one to talk to, about this or anything else, as I work from home a lot, and can go days without seeing anyone else other than DH for an hour or so in the evening. My family and I don't get on and in any case they live a long way away. I've only seen a midwife twice so far and not the same one so I don't feel like I can talk to them. When I have seen them they always have a student there and just chat between themselves - fair enough they have to learn, I'm not whinging- but it makes it hard to ask anything you don't already know the answer to. And in any case I'd be scared to. What I (don't) feel about this one is nothing to do with what I do feel about my DD and I worry that people might think I'm crap with her too. Matters are not helped I suppose by the fact that DH has to go away for a conference for a week abroad (he really does have to) about a month after this one's due date and I'm dreading being on my own with a newborn and DD.

I'm trying to shop for baby clothes and stuff we need and I find it so off putting. With DD I shopped and prepared and painted and wondered about what she'd look like and picked out things for her carefully. With this one, I haven't given him a minutes thought really. I sorted through some old sleepsuits of DDs that never made it to the charity shop for the least girly and that's kind of been it. People ask if we've got a name picked out and when DD was at this stage, yes I had, for sure and was passionate about the issue. With this one, no, haven't thought. All I can think about is how much this is going to ruin the time I have with DD and how worried I am that I won't like this one because he's taking time away from my DD.

What the hell is wrong with me? Does anyone else feel so disconnected?

PanpiperAtTheGatesOfYawn Tue 09-Apr-13 11:48:18

Can I just second what caffeine says about not seeking help being one of the most evil side effects of depression?

My best friend sat in a house with no power in the depths of that freezing 2009 winter for five days because she 'didn't want to bother anyone to fix it and wanted to be left alone'. I know it's not quite the same, but you can probably see little parallels?

Also - this is hopefully reassuring about jealousy - DD1 was not only the first baby, she was also the first grandchild and sharing was something that happened to other people grin. When I was pg I was holding a friend's newborn baby and DD1 ran across the room and tried to slap the baby out of my hands. I was terrified.

It wasn't easy at first, there was a lot of uproar and DD1 was very unimpressed, though she never tried to hurt the baby, it was more general playing up. But she dealt with it - as children generally do - and now DD2 is 13 months old and she adores her. She bosses her about, hugs her, scolds her and generally treats her like a loveable, if irritating, doll. DD2 simply adores her. It has been very, very good for DD1, and my worst fears never even came close to being realised.

Oh, and DD1 cannot even remember a time when DD2 didn't exist. Nor will your DD if she's only 2 - DD1 was 2.3 when DD2 was born.

noblegiraffe Tue 09-Apr-13 12:14:42

I also felt quite disconnected in my second pregnancy, my first was a bad sleeper and I was dreading the first year. When people said I must be excited about the impending birth, I couldn't really tell them that I wasn't. I hated being pregnant and didn't go shopping for baby bits or pack my hospital bag until the very last minute (ELCS) as that would make it real.

The only positive was how excited my DS was about the baby (he was 3.5 when she was born, so a bit older than your DD).

My DD is now 11 weeks and it is going really well. I felt a bit disconnected the first few weeks, she was a baby to be changed, fed, put to sleep, but now she's smiling and responding to my attempts to make her smile we're building up a lovely relationship.

My DS loves her. He gets a bit annoyed at not having undivided attention when she is feeding, and having to be quiet when she's asleep, but babies are quite portable so I can hold her and read him a story or play or fetch him stuff. I'm making good use of a sling - far far easier than a buggy for getting out and about, so I can hold his hand, go around the shops, take him to the park without having to fuss over her.

There are also things you can do to ease the transition. A good book/DVD was Zsa Zsa's baby brother which is a cartoon about getting a baby brother, mummy being tired, daddy being busy etc. DS chose a present for the baby when he met her and she got him one. He's asked to help fetch nappies and stuff for the baby the praised for being a good big brother. He has needed a bit more babying, but when the baby sleeps, there is time for that.

quertas Tue 09-Apr-13 13:40:26

Thanks all,

Its really good to know that other people's DCs have managed the transition to siblinghood. I guess once I've got an actual baby in front of me things will be different or seem different. In any case at 29 weeks there are a surprising lack of other options! If I was this bad and didn't have DD then I guess I'd be thinking adoption but you can't have one and have another adopted can you.

I think there must be a lot of regional variation in services. I did just google perinatal mental health for my region but the top 10 hits were all references in the context of child protection bodies! So I think that's decisively off the agenda for me. Its a difficult situation I suppose because on the one hand I don't want to feel this way forever but on the other I really think that talking to a GP could lead to some outcomes I'm just not able to cope with.

Work is an issue its true gertrudestein. I'm due to go on mat leave the day after my due date so that I can have the full time with the new baby. With DD I took 9 months but I will have to go back full time at 5 months this time so I guess that's not improving things either. Working from home is better than the commute my poor DH has, but its a bit relentless and tends to resume after bedtime which makes it hard to have any 'down' time. Again maybe once I'm off work this will be better.

Its nice to hear that others have had positive outcomes of this though and I'm hoping that once the baby's actually here, things will improve. I take heart from heiress's experience. Maybe I'm just panicking! I think also maybe when I was pg with DD I was better able to overlook the negative side of pg, plus to be fair she was an easier pg than this has turned out to be, and of course I had no idea what I was letting myself in for. Ignorance is bliss on that one!

PanpiperAtTheGatesOfYawn Tue 09-Apr-13 15:02:05

Obviously we can't force you to speak to a GP smile but if you start to feel morbidly anxious or that things are becoming unbearable do keep it up your sleeve.

Don't forget how google works: your results don't mean that perinatal mental health is only for child protection agencies in you area, more that they were the most common searches done by other people.

Also, I won't pretend that having two won't be tiring (as you know from having one anyway!). But it is oh so rewarding. It really, really is.

Liara Tue 09-Apr-13 15:29:50

I would also say don't worry too much about the jealousy issue.

We have yet to have one episode of jealousy between ds1 and ds2 - who is now 3 yo. They adore each other and play with each other constantly.

Seeing them play with each other is the best feeling in the whole world, bar none.

mouses Tue 09-Apr-13 15:39:03

I have 3 dc's, 1st pregnancy flew by, loved every minute of it. 2nd pregnancy i hated, hated the movements, being fat, had SPD so struggled to get around. i have body dysmophia so cried most of the tim at how fat my face and arse looked!

and im goin to be honest - i felt nothing when ds2 was born, didnt want to pick him up, cried when he cried, cried when he slept..it wasnt until he was 18mths old that i actually felt some thing towards him. i now know that id had PND. i didnt get no help i just thought i got over my own feelings?

3rd preg was the same, hated it, i had severe SPD from early pregnancy through to the end. my ds2 was a nightmare child and i found being pregnant and dealing with him was too much. also i was carrying a girl and not having a good relationship with my mum i used to have panic attacks that she wouldnt like me or i wont have any love for her? forward to her birth - i loved her minute she was born! we have a bond i cant explain, in fact it was too much, i wouldnt let no one touch her, no one could feed her.
i wouldnt let her dad take her out or away from me. i was snappy, angry, teary towards people.

i knew i needed help, pnd was back but i left it thinking social services woul take kids away if they thought i had a problem. i left it til last summer dc3 was 2 when i had a break down trying to cope with all my feelings

i was dragged to my gp (by my oh) and was prescribed anti d's, it help me so much - i just wished id went to see gp all those years ago :-(

sorry its long winded but i just wanted to share my experience so you dont feel so alone with your feelings, please see your gp. nothing bad wll happen, you'll be relieve to get it all off your chest to some one who can help x

atrcts Tue 09-Apr-13 16:39:22

You sound overwhelmed by it all. Sleepless nights are a killer for positivity - no wonder it's all too much! I wonder if you would consider discussing your symptoms to see if there is anything that can be done to help, which may make life a little more bearable for you?
I don't doubt your little girl will LOVE to play second mummy, they all do!
You sound like you feel horribly trapped by it all and I can fully understand how the idea of being in your own a lot post birth seems a bit too much. You could ask for 'homestart' to help if you wanted - it's a free service where a charity sends you an experienced CBR Checked parent to help for, say, an afternoon, usually once a week, til you feel stronger and more able (you call the shots and there are no medical records to worry about).

I hope you feel better very soon smile

Wishiwasanheiress Tue 09-Apr-13 18:30:30

Well I wish u much luck. I don't want to sound like I'm against help. I'm emphatically not. I just didn't want all ur posters to say u had to get help. Sort of ganging up then aren't we and I really don't feel able to say whether u need help or not. I think u can feel things and need help and also feel things but not need help. How thin that line is between the two is totally individual. Only u can say...

I do very much encourage u to keep posting questions as they occur to u. The help and encouragement i got from here was/is brilliant.

colditz Tue 09-Apr-13 18:34:24

Babe, I suffered with prenatal depression with ds2, and you've described how I was feeling to a tee.

The good news is, there are many anti depressants available to use in pregnancy, and they are safe. Nobody will think you are a bad mother. My midwife was lovely about the whole thing.

You won't feel like this forever, I bloody promise you. This was me seven years ago, but now I feel great.

Please tell someone. Don't hide the depression, the depression is a sodding war criminal and deserves to be grassed up and eradicated.

Blistory Tue 09-Apr-13 18:41:14

It's okay not to enjoy pregnancy. It doesn't mean that you're a lousy mother or won't love this baby. It might just mean that you're not enjoying this pregnancy.

There's so much pressure to be a blooming, fertile, earth mother goddess breezing through pregnancy, content in the knowledge that you're doing as nature intended and bringing life into the world. The excitement, the strangeness, the wonder of the first pregnancy is what gets you through it. Second time around, you don't necessarily have all that but you do have the aches, the pains, the inconvenience, the partner who's a bit more blase about the second pregnancy and childbirth.

It really is okay and normal to be a bit 'meh' about the actual pregnancy itself. You might be depressed but you might just be normal.

redplanet Tue 09-Apr-13 18:55:28

Please don't worry too much about it- it sounds as if you are feeling overwhelmed and guilty about deciding to have another against the DH's wishes and that you are just having a hard time. You are so hormonal when you are pregnant, lots of people don't enjoy it and don't find it easy to bond with the baby until it is born/ gets a bit bigger, even with 2nd and subsequent pregnancies. It sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself and maybe if you just try to get on with things and not desperately try to feel totally in love with the idea yet you might just feel a bit better about it. I felt all sorts of emotions about my first pregnancy in particular but love both my children so much now. Don't feel too stressed about how you are feeling, give yourself a break. People have babies they don't desperately want initially all the time, most love them unbelievably in the end and are good parents, and despite the fact that you probably realize that you and anyone who has a healthy baby is so, so lucky to have it, it can be completely overwhelming. Don't feel too guilty and good luck with everything- you will be fine!

quertas Wed 10-Apr-13 20:43:43

thanks all. Here's fingers crossed it will resolve itself. I am a big worrier at the best of time so probably I'm making too much of this! Thanks for all your support, it really does mean a lot!

I could have written this post last year. I felt my family was already complete when I fell pregnant, and resented at worst, and was completely indifferent towards at best, DC2 right through the pregnancy. I felt horribly guilty towards DC1 who was too young to understand what was going on. I didn't feel depressed, just meh, and slightly annoyed at myself on occasion for being pregnant.

An ELCS was planned and I kept trying to persuade the doctor to put it off a week longer so I could enjoy having just one child one week longer.

With neither of my two have I felt the instant rush when they have been born - I have fallen in love with them gradually over the first few weeks. But DC2 is almost six months old now and is amazing. I can't believe there were moments during the pregnancy when I just didn't want to know, looking back. But that's fine. She is here now, and as I said, amazing. As amazing as her big sister, and I never thought that would be possible.

Please don't worry. You really will get there. I spoke with a couple of people as I was quite anxious - doctors and midwives, not friends and family - and they reassured me it was, if not the most common state of mind, common enough to not be a worry at all.

SlowlyWakingUp Wed 10-Apr-13 21:21:13

Only read the OP but I have been exactly where you are and honestly all my worries and feelings of 'what the fuck have you done' completely disappeared the minute I saw DS. My maternal instinct just kicked in automatically and he is absolutely adored.

I was going from 3 DCs to 4 though but the feelings of being completely overwhelmed with the responsibility and hard work to come can be the same with any additional child. I, like you, got pregnant on the 1st and only time DH and I had unprotected sex. The next day, we said 'No it would be crazy to have another one' then bingo, within weeks I discovered I was pregnant! We really did not expect it to happen either and I was in absolute shock that it did. During my pregnancy I swung from delight and excitement to utter despair and terror (probably partly due to us being made homeless when I was 6 months pregnant hmm) but he is here now and almost 3 and I would not be without him.

I wish you all the best and just want to let you know you are probably still in a bit of shock and I promise you, the fact that you're worried about how you will feel about this baby, probably means that you don't need to worry at all.

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