Join us at Workfest for expert advice on kickstarting your career x

Would you like to be a member of our research panel? Join here - there's (nearly) always a great incentive offered for your views.

Getting support off other half

(18 Posts)
Mariacbw Tue 02-Apr-13 22:46:10

I'm 8 months pregnant, verbally my other half has been supportive but when it comes to actually doing things he hasn't been very good. This evening though I asked him for a back massage and pointed out that in 8 months of pregnancy he hasn't given me one, he just laughed this off stating that he was going to work soon so he couldn't (work was 2 hours away) I kept asking and he told mr to stop it or there was going to be an arguement. The final time I asked he told me to go and see the doctor if I've got a sore back rather than ask him for a back massage. He can't understand that the least he could do a spare a few minutes time compared with my 24/7 being pregnant. Any suggestions on how I can get him to help / anyone going through the same?

HopefullA Wed 03-Apr-13 06:22:19

Grrrr - men are so annoying.

Sorry he isnt being very supportive.
Im only 7 wks preg and my hubbie every night gives me grief about falling asleep on the sofa by 9pm.
I work full time, come home, do laundry, make a full dinner and wash up, then when i sit down, im zonked and he is giving me sh8t. So annoying.

Wish i knew what to say to help but just wanted to say you arent alone!
xxx

PurplePidjin Wed 03-Apr-13 07:13:00

Is he unsupportive in other ways? Because if it's just the back rub, let it go - you'll have bigger things to deal with soon enough.

My first is now 19 weeks and, despite lofty ideals of equality, i really do have to do nearly everything with him because either dp can't (eg breastfeeding) or ds wants me (currently teething). Worry about whether he'll do practical stuff like bringing you tea and porridge every morning when you're starving and stuck under a ravenous vampire baby, and have a soak in the bath with some lavender smile

^^stuff i wish someone had told me wink

PurplePidjin Wed 03-Apr-13 07:14:28

Hopefull "I'm growing a whole new person, what did you achieve today?" should work for you grin

glossyflower Wed 03-Apr-13 07:25:28

He does sound a bit of an arse but is he like this with other things too?

Kelly1814 Wed 03-Apr-13 08:10:57

Mariacbw i am with you on this one - see my previous post 'am i expecting too much of my husband.' mine has not been great and i'm quite disappointed.i work 12-14 hour days and am absolutely knackered when i get home, yet most of the housework etc seems to fall to me. fed up!

i got some great advice from MN including speaking to his sister. she's coming to stay this weekend and has already said that i will be putting my feet up and she will be setting an example to him by doing stuff for me! (she has two kids).

you're not alone!

HopefullA Wed 03-Apr-13 09:51:04

Purple- i will def try that!!!

Petcat Wed 03-Apr-13 10:57:03

Just to say I too have a disappointingly unsupportive partner. I really had no idea he would turn out to be so crap before I got pregnant.

I think the problem in our relationship is we have always been equal partners rather than husband and wife - we both work and are financially independent of each other and fairly egalitarian in the way our household is run. Suddenly I've needed him to actually take care of me a bit and it seems it's a bit too much to ask. For example he gets annoyed if I haven't done my usual share of the washing up, laundry and cleaning.

Expecting a child has changed the dynamics of our relationship and I am actually quite scared of how I will cope financially and emotionally if he carries on looking out for himself alone. I think he'll be good with the baby but probably won't be bothered to support me so I can be a good mum - he hasn't really seen the link between my wellbeing and the baby's so far.

I am just very very grateful to be able to get advice, support and sympathy from other women online. In some ways I'm bracing myself to approach new motherhood like a single woman would - I figure if I prepare to do pretty much all of it alone then any help he can be bothered to give will be a nice bonus.

Kelly1814 Wed 03-Apr-13 12:08:18

petcat you pretty much articulated exactly how i feel!

i think my DH is so used to seeing this successful independent woman who never asks for help, financial or emotional, it's a huge mindset change to suddenly see them need you so much more.

i think it is very good to get support online like this - at the end of the day whether pregnant or not you can't expect a partner to support in each and every area....agreed it is especially disappointing in pregnancy but seems to very frequently be the case.

best of luck to everyone.

angeltattoo Wed 03-Apr-13 13:13:20

My H and I are equal partners too, and we have always worked/earned/contributed equally and split the business of running our home. However, we have always supported each other emotionally too, and try to be thoughtful and kind to each other

Your H is being an arse, sorry. My H rubs my back, makes me hot water bottles, runs me baths for my backache, and anything else I ask, because I'm pregnanat with our child, and he is a lovely, supportive partner and equal paretn to our child.

MammaCici Wed 03-Apr-13 17:38:21

When I was expecting DC1 I got DH some books to prepare him. He's always been very kind and is a great support to me. Also, dads are expected to attend all the antenatal checkups over here (Sweden). The midwives tell the dads what they should be doing. I have to say, I feel very lucky to have my DH. Perhaps your men just don't realise how tough growing a baby is. Someone (such as a midwife or doctor) needs to tell them.

If it's your first child chances are you will need lots of support after the birth too. If you are breastfeeding you won't get much sleep and you will need DH or someone to do the housework / cook. With DC1 we tried taking turns trying to settle the baby in the night time but without decent sleep DH was next to useless the next day. As hard as it was I coped better without sleep so soon decided I'd do all the night parenting but he HAD to do all the housework and cooking. That system worked for us until DS gradually started sleeping more and I could do more stuff around the house.

As hard as pregnancy is, the first few months postpartum are in a different league. Try to get your men to see the light before then. Good luck.

scaredbutexcited Thu 04-Apr-13 14:33:58

I'm in the same boat so wanted to offer my sympathy but not too sure on advice!

I have always been capable, we both work FT and it seems to be really hard to get him to realise I need some more support now.

Due to have the baby next week and haven't really seen DH except for a few mins in the last week!

He is working very hard (and as he says this is for our future) but to be honest I would rather have a lower income and some more cuddles right now. Maybe he could even make me a cup of tea or wash up after I have cooked the supper, done the laundry, walked the dog, batch cooked stew for freezer etc!!

Really no idea how to get him to see this or adapt a little bit. - Looking in interest at advice from more experienced people than me!

LadyMedea Thu 04-Apr-13 14:49:31

My only advice for those on the equal partners rather than a team track is if you are unhappy deal with it now!

My sister in law is due no. 2 any day now and has had this situation all the way through the relationship. Her OH is not a bad person but their life is very much compartmentalised between them as individuals and them as parents, their coupleness really seems to be absent. Decisions about money are not really made together as he earns so much more. He refuses to buy a house (they have a deposit, live in an affordable area, and he has a condition which means he won't be able to work t retirement and is in his mid 40s).

My husband and I share everything - money, chores, worries - and I wouldn't want it any other way. I'm an 'independent woman' at work (ad earn more than him) but I want to be a true partner in life at home.

Ladies try and find a way to talk to him about what you want life to be like as partners and parents. Easier to address it now. Maybe start off lightheartedly with this book www.amazon.co.uk/Baby-proofing-Your-Marriage-communicate-better/dp/0007243634 or similar.

atrcts Thu 04-Apr-13 14:55:15

I don't think you can get blood out of a stone, I'm afraid.

I can't get my hubby to treat me any differently than normal despite having SPD difficulties to contend with in this pregnancy.

He just doesn't give that way. And I've given up trying to get him to. I try to see the ways he does give instead - not what I'd prefer but nevertheless, giving in some way.

Having said that, I don't think he's a massive giver in the relationship, yet we rub along really well so I'm not prepared to run a mile just because he's not perfect.

I would prefer it to be different though.

scaredbutexcited Thu 04-Apr-13 16:43:13

Just speaking to a girlfriend about this. Her advice was that if you keep looking as capable as you have always been then he will feel you are coping fine and so not realise you actually need help.

I think I probably need to listen to this myself. Still making all meals, doing all house chores etc but just feeling crap, exhausted, emotional as well.

Hard though. Want to keep on top of things for the baby coming and DH is working hard and I do want him to have food to eat.

I guess I think this is good advice but no clue how to actually follow it!!! It's great be PG isn't it? grin

MammaCici Thu 04-Apr-13 17:57:23

Guys that don't help out more during a pregnancy aren't being equal. In my eyes that is chauvinism. It's like saying pregnancy and baby stuff is women's work and they carry on like nothing is happening. But they mightn't even realise, sometimes men need things spelled out for them.

My advice would be to stop doing so much and tell them you need to rest. Suggest getting a cleaner in to help if they aren't willing to do more. Don't burn yourself out before the birth. At least be kind to yourself.

Mine is useless too, I don't know what the answer is but you have my sympathy.

Jollyb Thu 04-Apr-13 20:44:07

My DP was pretty useless during pregnancy but was fantastic after our daughter arrived (and still is 2 years later) so don't write him off together.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now