Would you like to be a member of our research panel? Join here - there's (nearly) always a great incentive offered for your views.

I am 12 weeks ,have just told my fiance and he has told me to have an abortion!?

(35 Posts)
minx1980 Fri 29-Mar-13 23:19:01

Hi Everyone, I have come on here for some advice- I have been with my fiance for nearly three years we have a child together who is 18 months and i have got children from a previous relationship.. I found out I was pregnant and i told him on tuesday this week- since then he has been awful over the phone to me although he claims he isn't saying he can't and won't go through having another baby and that if i really loved him and want to be a family in our new home that we have bought together recently then I will have to terminate the pregnancy. I have cried so much. He is or was my soul mate, the person i thought i could rely on.. I feel awful .. I can't go through with an abortion and live my life with such guilt.

I have been nice, calm. angry, cross, upset and all of these things have had no influence on what he has said.

The man i fell in love with is now willing to turn his back on me, his child ,and my children.

Will this sadness go? Will he come around to the idea of the new baby? I am desperate for advice.. My heart is in a million pieces..
xx

expatinscotland Fri 29-Mar-13 23:23:53

I don't know what will come to pass, but DO NOT have an abortion for the sake of a man, ANY man, if you do not want one.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Fri 29-Mar-13 23:25:48

Oh lovely what an arse xxxx I can't offer any advice other then I think you have to be 100% sure on a termination for it to be the right decision.
I also think you should move this to relationships as you'll get some fab advice from some much better informed people then me xx

willyoulistentome Fri 29-Mar-13 23:27:10

Oh minx how terrible. I dont really have any other advice other than if it would make you feel regret for the rest of your life dont terminate your baby for the sake of someone so selfish.

minx1980 Fri 29-Mar-13 23:31:24

My hearts torn in two- i don't want to be alone..I devastated.. All my hope and dreams all gone.. It's my worst nightmare.

minx1980 Fri 29-Mar-13 23:32:42

Sorry for the spelling mistakes typing through the tears.. I'm heart broken..

I agree with expat. I have a friend who had a termination 18mths ago because her hubby said he'd leave her otherwise. He's just left her anyway.

Flojobunny Fri 29-Mar-13 23:38:10

He didn't say he would leave you OP, you said he said he'll stick by you but wants you to abort. If you already have 3 DCs and have just bought a house together he is probably being practical and worried you can't afford it. He hasn't engaged emotionally with this child, he is probably putting the children you already have first. Is that really a bad thing?
He can't force you to do anything you don't want but surely as he will be paying for this child for many yrs to come, he has the right to have his say on the matter.

minx1980 Fri 29-Mar-13 23:41:41

His words were if you don't have an abortion I am leaving you , all of you- I won't deal with this new child.

willyoulistentome Fri 29-Mar-13 23:43:11

No - its minxs choice!

Flojobunny Fri 29-Mar-13 23:43:48

Oh, I misunderstood the bit were you said he isn't claiming he can't or won't go through with a new baby.

willyoulistentome Fri 29-Mar-13 23:44:44

By the sound of him he's so selfish he may well sod off anyway.

BitsyVonMuffling Fri 29-Mar-13 23:45:38

How long have you known you were oregnsnt op? 12 weeks is quite precise. Have you been keeping it to yourself hoping you'll be past the stage where you would terminate?

Flojobunny Fri 29-Mar-13 23:45:59

Of course its Minx choice, just thought he had the right to voice his concerns but if hes being that much of an arse why on earth are you marrying this guy?
If a guy threatened me like that, I'd say ok, see you. Even if I then had an abortion, I wouldn't want him.

He's not 'having a say'. He's giving the OP an ultimatum.

OP - lots of men freak out when they hear about a baby. The ones who are worth having come round and are good fathers to all their children. The ones who don't aren't worth having.

minx1980 Fri 29-Mar-13 23:46:51

sorry i meant to say he is claiming to love me but won't or can't go through with a new baby. He has bombarded me with guilt about his feelings , the kids, everything.. Saying i have made his life a misery. He has no choice but to leave me.. So sad.. I can't believe my hero is now my enemy..I have got noone else to turn to. I wish this pain would go away.

babyradio Fri 29-Mar-13 23:49:44

"if you really love me then you'll..." - this is the worst kind of emotional blackmail. Please don't do something you don't want to do because of him.

I'm wary of the term 'soul-mate' at the best of times but in these situations it can make it seem like you'll never survive without that person, when in actual fact you probably will do just fine given a bit of time.

You've said you've tried all the emotions with him, so stop trying. It's not actually you, it's his problem.

Be clear with him you want the baby and there's no room for debate on that. I'm sick of hearing about all these men who blame their wives and girlfriends for "getting pregnant" - as if they did it by themselves! If he was adamant he didn't want more children he should have had a vasectomy, it's a simple procedure. But no, it's easier to blame the woman isn't it.

With time he may come around, if he doesn't he's the one who loses.

I'm sorry you're going through this, there are loads of people on here who can offer you far better advice than I can, but I hope things improve soon.

minx1980 Fri 29-Mar-13 23:50:21

The hospital said i had a collapsed sac and that i would spontaneously miscarry. Nothing happened so i go back to hospital and i see the lil one with head arms legs..etc they dated at 12 weeks.. I don't know what to do i said that i would go and see him tomorrow trying to be positive. But im killing inside.. I hate that pain you get in your chest and stomach.. it's awful

catlady1 Fri 29-Mar-13 23:51:44

If you want to have this baby then don't even consider terminating for the sake of this arse man. It takes two to make a baby, if he didn't want to then he should have been more careful (you don't say if you were using contraception?). Like Nutcracker said, even if you do have an abortion, he might well leave you anyway,and you might well break up in the future over something else, and be left alone and with a great deal of regret. But if you choose your child (if that's what you want) then at least you'll have them and know that you put them first. It might seem daunting facing being a single parent but I'm sure you'll be just fine.

Flojobunny Fri 29-Mar-13 23:53:48

OP you have a very difficult decision to make. It is hard from your post to work out if you have decided to definitely go through with the pregnancy or are waivering.
Why have you only just told him? Haven't you known for a month or 2?

minx1980 Fri 29-Mar-13 23:54:59

Thanks for everyones kind words- I am lost for words. You think you know someone so well but then when something crops up it turns bad. I just wanted to be happy for once.

Viviennemary Fri 29-Mar-13 23:56:28

I absolutely don't think you should have an abortion if you don't want one. You will regret it. And I agree with people who say this selfish thoughtless man might well leave anyway regardless. You should be getting support from him at this time not this hassle. But maybe he has just stressed out completely and panicked.

Flojobunny Fri 29-Mar-13 23:57:57

Sorry cross post.
Don't go and see him tomorrow. He has made his position clear. You need to take some time out for a couple of days and make a decision. Then when you have decided, tell him you decision and give him time to process it.
If you have been with him 3 yrs and have an 18 month old together. Is there a reason you don't live with him already?

minx1980 Fri 29-Mar-13 23:58:19

I found out earlier they said collapsed sac i was waiting to miscarry, didnt tell him because i just wanted to go through it and deal with it. Go back to hospital they scan and there's a 12 weeks fetus. That is what happened. I am so desperate for him to love me and be a family with me. I have done everything for him. I feel misled into thinking he actually cared.

pickles184 Fri 29-Mar-13 23:58:57

Having been in a not entirely dissimilar situation the only advice I can give is definately do not base a decision to abort on someone elses demand. Unless you are 100% sure that it would be the right thing for everyone involved (you,fiance,children) you will only end up feeling guilt and resentment towards fiance that will never go away. There is a chance when things have calmed down and he has got his head round it that you can repair the damage and move on, welcoming your unexpected addition along the way. It doesn't sound like you would be able to abort and then get on with life together as though nothing has happened even if you did as he asked.
I understand the heartbreak, someone you thought you knew and loved has reacted in a way that makes you question everything, no doubt made worse by all the pregnancy hormones.
Don't fear being alone, while far from ideal it has to be preferable to being miserable with someone who fails to stand by and support you and your children when you need them most.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now