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My husband has gone AWOL - am 34 weeks pregnant

(88 Posts)
CareerGirl01 Fri 29-Mar-13 17:28:21

DH has history of depression and self medicating it - he binge drinks then is teetotal for long spells. He started a new job back in Novdmber and has been having issues (the normal ones you get in a new job) but he can't cope and on Wednesday morning he went off in our car and hasn't texted or called. He had been drinking the night before. We have a four year old DD.I'm feeling hopeful at the moment but come bedtime (DD's) I'm going to feel terrible. My nan died last week and we had her funeral yesterday. I'm wondering if my preggie moaning has driven him away. Btw - for mist of time together IVF been main breadwinner - I don't think he likes the current role reversal.

babyradio Fri 29-Mar-13 17:36:09

Don't feel responsible for this, he's a grown man. Probably not got the greatest of advice but since he's been missing a while now you can contact the police to help you.

I am sure you know that drinking alcohol with depression will not help and certainly isn't a form of self-medicating! Perhaps once this is resolved it's time to get someone else involved to help him with that.

I'm just speaking from personal experience with a family member and hope you're not offended - it's just what I would do.

He has responsibilities to you and to your daughter and disappearing without a word is not acceptable behaviour. I hope you get this sorted out.

CareerGirl01 Fri 29-Mar-13 17:39:03

I was thinking of calling the police radio, may do after DD is in bed. Had a bit of a scare the other week so trying not to stress for the baby's sake.

babyradio Fri 29-Mar-13 17:49:11

It's amazing to me how selfish men can be sometimes, I love my boyfriend but he's a law unto himself. I'm sorry about your nan too, sounds like you've got a lot on your plate to begin with.

You can always call the non-emergency police number for advice, but it might actually be worth reporting him missing because it will have repercussions and might shock him into realising he can't be doing things like this.

I hope he turns up and apologises profusely for causing you more stress. Can you contact his family or friends at all?

Queenofknickers Fri 29-Mar-13 17:51:40

I am so sorry about your nan thanks

Please call the police - it sounds as if help might be what he needs.

Have you got people in real life who can come and be with you and support you?

Please don't think it is your fault for "Preggy moaning" - depression and alcohol are complicated and you cannot ( in my opinion) save someone from it without professional help.

Hang in there, get some help, get some support. BIG HUG

So you had your nan's funeral yesterday, are heavily pregnant, have a pre-schooler, had a scare last week and he has gone off in the car not getting in touch or letting you know where he is/ that he's okay? I feel so angry for you! angry

Sounds to me like HE wants to have attention/ be looked after/ be worried about. The focus is rightly on you so he's turned the tables. Instead of worrying about him I'd be annoyed at how pathetic and selfish he is being at a time when you really need him.

balia Fri 29-Mar-13 17:54:43

You must be so worried! Do try and keep as calm as you can (I know easier to say than to do) are you managing to eat?

Have I read it right that he's been gone for 2 nights now? I'd phone the police NOW.

CareerGirl01 Fri 29-Mar-13 17:55:02

I'm going to call that number. I've spoken to all his family. He's gone off before but told me he wanted time out. But never for more than a day. And I've known he was ok

CareerGirl01 Fri 29-Mar-13 17:56:42

balia I think my nan dying has 'distracted' me from panicking but I'm calling the police when I put DD to bed - which will be in a few minutes because she was up at quarter to six this morning.

lunar1 Fri 29-Mar-13 17:57:05

I'd be phoning the police too op, so sorry you are going through this.

ng1412 Fri 29-Mar-13 17:58:01

Gosh how scary for you. Hope he comes back soon. X

Hopingforno2 Fri 29-Mar-13 18:00:29

No advice just hope you are ok xx

balia Fri 29-Mar-13 18:01:55

I'm so sorry for your loss. A death does kind of put things into a weird perspective...sorry, not being at all helpful. Didn't want to read and run.

CareerGirl01 Fri 29-Mar-13 18:02:40

Thanks everyone. I know I'm going to fall apart at some point. My mum and sister live very near - my sister in the next village. My mum down the road. My dad and step mum live 45 minutes away. They all know. DH's parents are a bit useless - a bit wet but lovely - my family are very 'can do' so am grateful for that.

CareerGirl01 Fri 29-Mar-13 18:07:12

He does have his driving licence etc on him. My main concern is that he has the money for our mortgage and general living expenses in his account. And he could be spending that money on God knows what. He probably isn't but... This is why I hate the fact I'm having to rely on him. I'm wondering if that might be why he's gone off. I was trying to get him to put all the bill rent and food money into my account when he gets paid but it seems to be an issue for him; to hold on to money. Most of the last six years I've had to pay for everything.. And had the earnings to do it. Am going to put DD to bed now - she knows nothing of what is going on.

glossyflower Fri 29-Mar-13 18:09:23

career my heart goes out to you it really does.
Sending you big hugs. We are here for you any time of the day.
Xxx

ExpatAl Fri 29-Mar-13 18:17:50

Oh no, Career, I'm so sorry you're having this massive stress. You don't need it at the best of times but after your scare and nan dying this is really too much. I would call the police. I hate to sound pragmatic but you need to know where that money is. Best wishes.

Flojobunny Fri 29-Mar-13 18:22:49

What did the police say?

LetMeAtTheWine Fri 29-Mar-13 18:35:22

Hope you have managed to contact the police CareerGirl. Depression is a horrible, horrible illness and can make people do things they would never dream of doing if they were well. For this reason, try not to worry that it is something you have done (easy for me to say, I know hmm).

Have you got someone staying with you tonight to give you some support?

ElliesWellies Fri 29-Mar-13 18:40:17

I'm not sure this is all about depression... it sounds about control.

I'm sorry to sound harsh, but if his depression is affecting him this badly then he should seek medical help rather than abandon his heavily pregnant wife, recently bereaved, and four-year-old daughter, without saying anything, and taking the money for the rent and bills. Disgusting behaviour. Don't even get me started on the 'self-medicating' by binge drinking. He has responsibilities now and it is morally incumbent on him to do his very best to get his depression sorted out... it doesn't sound like he has tried to do this?

Anyway, I hope for your sake that he turns up soon so you aren't worrying. But I would lay it out for him - he must now seek help for his depression - it is massively unfair for you to have to put up with this.

ENormaSnob Fri 29-Mar-13 18:42:40

He sounds like an absolute cunt tbh.

CareerGirl01 Fri 29-Mar-13 19:24:47

I've spoken to the police - they asked if I've called local hospitals and took down loads of details. Someone from our local police force is coming round this evening to see me.

CareerGirl01 Fri 29-Mar-13 19:26:43

Ellie I totally agree but I see his behaviour as a symptom of an illness. He thinks he's crap and worthless and nothing I can say will make him feel better. He's tried counselling - but not gone often enough or believed it would help him.

LetMeAtTheWine Fri 29-Mar-13 19:26:53

Will someone else be with you when they come round?

NewChoos Fri 29-Mar-13 19:36:24

He os behaving very badly and possibly using his depression as an excuse for his behaviour - not wishing to sound too harsh but have had experience of this....
Not everyone with depression treats their partner badly - it's more common to be grateful that they are sticking around and trying to help.
Can your family stay with you?

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