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MIL came to 'help' after bleed - am I just being hormonal or a bitch?

(14 Posts)
CareerGirl01 Tue 05-Mar-13 17:28:47

MIL arrived yesterday to help out with DD1 ( 31 weeks pg with DC2). Thing is she just doesn't seem to understand that helping means - in my case - taking the initiative. I know I'm expecting too much but FIL phoned to check in with her and I heard her say 'Im not going to be dictated to by a 4 year old' - a four year old she hardly sees btw. I had to Hoover up some spilt food and have had to wash up/clear up after her. And worst thing of all she closes the door to her room every morning - despite DD banging on the door saying 'hello nana' for 20 minutes; one of the reasons she came over here was to help me in the morning get some extra sleep.
Now do I let this go (if I hadn't had a scare last week and wasn't pg I probably wouldn't bat an eyelid but I am having an elective CS in seven weeks when I really will need help from her) or do I say something. Have just lain on bed crying for 20 minutes - feel like a fool at 42 yrs old!

Msbluesky32 Tue 05-Mar-13 17:40:45

How long has she been with you? Is this the first day?

CareerGirl01 Tue 05-Mar-13 17:41:45

Yes - first day!

CareerGirl01 Tue 05-Mar-13 17:42:58

I think I'm worried about after I have the ELCS! Because I won't have any choice but to ask for help. Saying that I've been told not to lift heavy things and take it easy.

racheld33 Tue 05-Mar-13 17:44:19

Ok, if she's only been here 24 hours, you are still in the early time to give her a verbal list tonight of what would 'really help' you (i.e. getting up early in the morning with DD etc), if she still ignores then its up to you whether to have confrontation or not! I would be inclined never to tidy up after her, even if it leads the house in a tip for the moment, and if she moans about the mess, say, oh I think that was you!
Can't imagine my MIL ever coming to stay and me staying sane, so you're doing well!

defineme Tue 05-Mar-13 17:48:50

I'd be very specific. EG drs have told me I need to sleep so can you let dd into your room at 8am please? I'd find it very helpful if you put stuff in the dishwasher and ran the hoover round because I'm in danger of losing the baby if I do this stuff.
TBH I don't think she will do that and I think you need to cancel her as 'help' and pay somone/get a rota of friends in/get dh to take paternity leave -whatever cos she'll be crap.
How to not cause a family row about that is down to your dh.

Msbluesky32 Tue 05-Mar-13 17:49:16

Having a bleed must have been very scary. Could you make your excuses and just get out of the house for a bit of walk -clear your head? just down to the corner shop? ..anything...
Sounds like you might need to have a chat though or it's going to continue to stress you out. Don't clear up after her, if she is there to help you she can clear up after herself - she's not on holiday! Is she the kind of person who might be worried about 'taking over' your home or do you think she just hasn't got the right idea of the help you need? If it works out to be more stressful than helpful is there someone else you could ask for help?

CareerGirl01 Tue 05-Mar-13 17:51:03

Thanks Racheld I have been told I'm very patient - I do my moaning on MN at the moment. Will get DH to mention the morning thing. Trouble is my mum is so proactive and amazing - she worked full time and had two DDs - now helps look after my DD and my two DNs - that MIL just looks lazy. She gave up work when she got married and has a life of luxury (although FIL is ill - from too much drinking and smoking). I do pity my SIL if she ever gets pg.

CareerGirl01 Tue 05-Mar-13 18:02:21

defineme and msbluesky I don't think talking to her will help. Just spoken to DH and he says he will push her door ajar in the morning so DD can run in and jump on her bed! Hmmm - but I think the best I can get help-wise is having her entertain DD which she does (up to a point as is useless at putting her to bed!) I think friends and my DM are my best bet after the CS. I've calmed down a bit now - hormones don't help but then neither does having a scare;

Ledkr Tue 05-Mar-13 18:07:24

Tbh if she's no help this time then don't have her after your section. Negotiate a few days in hospital then when you come home just take it easy. I've had four sections and you can still l do basic baby care eg nappies and feeds then just have plenty of DVDs etc for dd and easy to cook foods. Can friends take turns or is dh around? I've been on my own from about a week with each one and was fine.
Not underplaying a section btw but I'd rather have no help than horrible non help.

Msbluesky32 Tue 05-Mar-13 18:11:16

In that case I'd save yourself the stress and get other help, sounds like a right pain and not what you need. Good that your DP is on board with sabotaging her lie ins at least but someone really needs to tell her what the word 'help' actually means!

BrainDeadMama Tue 05-Mar-13 18:18:12

If you are currently going to be relying on her for a period of time after the section (eg a week your mum can't do). I would look into getting a post natal doula or mothers help instead.

But in the meantime I would agree you need to tell her what would help you most, and also get her to take DD out as much as poss so you can get a proper break.

CareerGirl01 Tue 05-Mar-13 18:43:52

Ledk had CS with DD1 - was not totally incapacitated - things went wrong and this time it will be ELCS not an EMCS. I'm not going to rely on her - DH is going to mention something re. cleaning up - thing is DD is at nursery/Pre school all day (apart from half day Wednesday so I will have to ask her to look after DD more tomorrow. I had whooping cough jab yesterday too which is why I might be feeling more crap than usual. Thanks fellow MNs - is good to know I'm not alone x

ExpatAl Tue 05-Mar-13 19:09:40

Could your DH really spell out to your MIL that you must take it easy for the sake of the baby and that things are serious. Maybe she just doesn't realise and thinks that things have been over dramatised?
If she doesn't look after your dc she's of no help at all.

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