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When did you tell work & your family (advice please)?

(70 Posts)
Saundy Tue 05-Mar-13 07:52:42

Its really early days for me so I shouldn't have to be thinking about this just yet but I kind've do for the following reasons:

Work:
I'm asking for a pay rise & to be made full time today & don't want my boss to realise later on that I knew & didn't mention it. Feels a bit crappy not saying as I work for a good supportive company, BUT I'm only 5 weeks and it feels a bit early to be telling people.

Family:
I live away so will (most likely) only have 2 chances to tell them face to face either at the end of March - when I'll only be at the 8 week mark, or July when it'll be closer to the 26 week mark.

I quite like the idea of not telling anyone until July but can you hide it that long? My partner thinks not as I'm quite petite & he recons there's nowhere to hide it.

If anyone has any thoughts they'd be appreciated.

Bibs123 Tue 05-Mar-13 08:31:33

i told my boss at work early on because i was so sick and told my family because i was so excited.Sounds a bit wierd to me that you don't want to share your good news with your family... also i think it is wrong to mislead your employers. you should be open with them.

HazleNutt Tue 05-Mar-13 08:39:46

I told both after 12 weeks - had a mc just before this pregnancy, so didn't want to "un-tell" if something happened here as well. In your case, for work I would mention that you might have family plans - 5 weeks is very early, a lot of people don't even have any idea they're pregnant.

For family - can you get an early scan before you see them at 8 weeks? If there's heartbeat, I would tell then. Unlikely that you can get to 26 weeks without anybody noticing.

HappyAsASandboy Tue 05-Mar-13 08:47:48

I told my family am friends at 13/14 weeks, after the dating scan.

I told my boss at 16 weeks, then at his request kept it quite until 20 weeks so that we could tell my team what would be happening in my absence at the same time as telling them about my pregnancy.

I successfully hid it by wearing the same column shaped suit dress (no stretch!) every day for about 6 weeks! My colleagues may have thought I have few clothes, but they didn't guess I was pregnant. I waited until 16 weeks to tell my boss because that got us through our annual appraisals. I don't think the appraisal would have suffered because of the pregnancy, but didn't see the point in risking it just to tell a bit earlier. I took annual leave to cover early scan and midwife appointments.

I was carrying twins, and am fairly slim (though 5' 7''), so it is possible to hide it for longer than you'd think, as long as you pick the right clothes.

ladymia Tue 05-Mar-13 08:58:50

I live far away from my family but I am very close to them (close family parents and brother) so told them as soon as I knew I was pregnant, around 5 weeks.

Work I only told at 16 weeks, It was not obvious I was pregnant until i was past 20 weeks already.

knittingirl Tue 05-Mar-13 09:39:48

I told immediate family between 4 and 6 weeks - basically, if anything had gone wrong then I would have wanted their support, so it made sense to tell them.

I told my boss at 7 weeks because I was feeling awful and had had a few days off, and told the office generally and the facebook world at 12 weeks just after my scan.

I'm in the camp of telling the people who need to know early, rather than waiting. Think about who your support network will be - if your mum will form part of that support network throughout pregnancy then tell your parents, if you need the support of work, then tell your boss (particularly if you know it is a supportive workplace).

Finvim Tue 05-Mar-13 09:45:41

I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was 16 weeks gone - it was a bit of a shock at the dating scan! I didn't tell work until I was 20 weeks pregnant and no one noticed. I'm quite petite too and didn't start really showing until I was nearly 6 months pregnant. I was worried about telling my manager that I was pregnant because I hadn't been there very long, but I was very surprised at just how well she took the news. Unless you're sick, or work somewhere where you could put your babies health at risk (chemicals/heavy lifting etc.) I wouldn't rush into telling work about it. Tell them when you're ready.

CareerGirl01 Tue 05-Mar-13 10:16:56

I guess it depends how you feel, my morning sickness kicked in at 6/7 weeks with DC2 - there was no way I could hide my pregnancy - shame because I didn't show till 20 weeks!

Beatrixpotty Tue 05-Mar-13 10:22:38

I told family after the 12 week scan and work at about 14.I live miles away from my family and told them over the phone.They were so pleased it didn't matter that it wasn't in person.Problem with waiting until 26 weeks is that work & friends will know before family and I would feel as if family were more important than that.I don't think it is deceptive to get your pay rise & go full time now and not tell work,it is very early on and anything could happen.If you can work hard now & show your commitment they may feel more positive about you taking time off on maternity leave when the time comes.

beckie90 Tue 05-Mar-13 10:36:44

17+3wks havnt told anyone yet I darent tell my family lol. This is my 3rd baby I'm also slim but 5'6 so not petite heightwise but petite frame wise. I'm not so much as showing, but keep getting very bloated. My partner obviously knows. But nobody else has noticed xx

HavingALittleFaithBaby Tue 05-Mar-13 10:37:29

Told close family immediately (they knew we'd been TTC for a long time). Our choice of who we told before 12 week scan were people who we knew would support us if the worst happened. I told my boss at about 8 weeks because I got ill with a UTI (tracked to my kidney) and I needed time off. I'm a nurse so I needed to be careful at work.

You are obliged to tell your employer at least 15 weeks before your due date - how far along are you?

What are your reasons for not telling family at 8 weeks? Some people like to keep quiet until they've had the 12 week scan and know that everything is probably ok. I always felt that if it wasn't ok, I'd want support from certain friends and I'd prefer it if they already knew about the pg at that point. So I told them earlier.

The other reason for not telling early people is if you feel that they'll be a nightmare about it in some way - dismissive/critical/overbearing/controlling whatever. In which case, best to enjoy your pg in peace for as long as poss and tell them by phone at some point. I wouldn't rock up for a visit at 26 weeks having not told them though, that's certain to offend.

Saundy Tue 05-Mar-13 10:47:19

Thanks for the input guys.

I can see why it seems strange wanting to wait, its partially fear of having to un-tell people & partially just settling into the idea of it all myself.

I'm close to my family which is why I want to tell them face to face & while everyone is together on a holiday seemed like a nice time. BUT it is a long time to wait & I wouldn't want anyone to know before them so maybe its not practical, plus I guess it might hurt their feelings to have had it kept from them for so long.

I'm sure work will be supportive but again 5 weeks is so early to be telling people - but I have the fear of morning sickness kicking in next week and it being obvious I didn't mention it at the meeting (would be so typical!).

Its interesting to hear your thoughts though - thank you & congrats to the fellow preggers smile

KikiShack Tue 05-Mar-13 11:22:07

To add a late thought I told close friends and family - i.e. the people I'd want support from if somethgn went wrong, as soon as I knew- about 5 wks. I also told my boss early, around 7 weeks but only because she is leaving when I'm 12 weeks so I knew she'd be discrete and has no reason to tell the big bosses anything! It helped when I needed a day off to go to hosp after a small bleed.
However I really wouldn't tell work anything that might prejudice their decision on your pay / full time status. Legally they are not allowed to be prejudiced on these as a result of your pg, so why put them in a position where they might not be able to help themselves? I can't see any benefit at all, only neutral / possible detriment. I'd say you deserve to go back to work on the right salary and full time status after giving birth, and saying somehtign now could potentially jeopardise this. Only my view though.

elliejjtiny Tue 05-Mar-13 11:30:56

I'm 22 weeks pregnant and I've only told my parents and the GP/midwife although DH has told loads of people. I hate all the stupid comments that people make when you are pregnant so I've avoided telling people for as long as possible. I was planning on announcing to friends and wider family after the anomaly scan if all was well but they discovered a problem (cleft lip) so I'm waiting a bit longer. Got a 4d scan at 28 weeks and a growth scan at 30 weeks so will probably announce after that. I'm quite chubby though and tend to lose weight with sickness so can easily hide a pregnancy for ages.

elliejjtiny Tue 05-Mar-13 11:32:31

Forgot to say I'm a SAHM so no work to tell although DH told his work at 10 weeks I think.

LouiseD29 Tue 05-Mar-13 11:39:11

Congratulations!

I asked my boss for a pay rise and told him I was pregant in the same meeting. The pay rise was in recognition of the standard of work I had been doing and my length of service - and I got it! A long as you have solid justification to ask for a pay rise it shouldn't make a difference whether you are pregnant, so you should only tell them when you feel comfortable doing so.

I also told my immediate family at around 6 weeks when I had the chance to see them face to face. I would have wanted them to know, even if something went wrong, and it was truly wonderful to see their reactions.

Again, you should only do what you feel comfortable with - just sharing my experiences. Good luck with whatever you decide to do and hope all progresses well with your bump.

Kelly1814 Tue 05-Mar-13 13:20:16

congratulations!

this is a very interesting thread for me - as an expat my family are thousands of miles away so could tell them on the day i popped if i wanted to (not that i would want to keep it secret, but i am cautious about sharing before 12 and 16 week scans and tests)

work-wise the middle east has no maternity cover (45 days off!) so i would like to take my sweet time on this one - i can't stand everyone obsessing over it.

that said i work 12-14 hour days so not sure how much longer can physically do it for.

thanks for all the interesting responses!

Wishiwasanheiress Tue 05-Mar-13 13:34:01

Personally I'd repost the work question in employment. Whether or not your boss is supportive now isn't the question. It's whether they will be when u announce it. People change very quickly and not all positively.

I told family after the first scan. It was our precious secret before then and made us very close and was lovely.

abbyfromoz Tue 05-Mar-13 13:40:26

Told HR manager at around 10 weeks as i had severe morning sickness and literally crawled out of a meeting room on all fours one day as she walked past... Had to tell her it wasn't a hangover! Told family an friends driving home from the 12 weeks scan- ultrasound pic in hand grinning from ear to ear grin despite the nausea wink

marushka82 Tue 05-Mar-13 14:42:26

I told my work/manager after the 12 week scan and once I had the screening test results, I was about 15 weeks (two of my co-workers knew - they guessed when I said I wouldn't be drinking at the Christmas party!).

I announced it to most of my friends after the screening test as well, but waited until 20 wk scan to do a FB announcement :D

I told my mum pretty much straight after the test smile I just knew she'd support me if anything went wrong!

All in all it's great not to have to hide it anymore!

Lydia161290 Tue 05-Mar-13 14:52:12

I told work/family after my 12 week scan, as I couldn't wait, and even if your boss finds out you knew, he/she can't do anything because it's illegal to discriminate against pregnant women in a work force.

My manager at work even SUGGESTED I go for a full time position, but I didn't for other reasons. Haha.

I know some women wait until 20 weeks!

Dh2812 Tue 05-Mar-13 18:26:14

I told work at 20 weeks after my pay review and I'm really glad I waited. Unfortunately pregnancy and pay reviews don't seem to go well together! I have another girl in my team who is pregnant and between her inital performance review and the formal confirmation and pay review she told them she was pregnant. She had her performance rating downgraded and got no pay rise. This is at a company which recently won an award for being family friendly!

Told my family as soon as I knew and told friends after 12 week scan.

Congratulations by the way and hope the pay review goes well

Saundy Tue 05-Mar-13 18:29:15

Thanks for all your thoughts, it was really helpful to get some other perspectives.

I can say that I fully intended to tell my boss but when we were discussing the job it just didn't seem relevant to the conversation (if that makes
sense). It just felt way too early to be telling anyone, not to mention the fact that the payrise was 2 years overdue - which I got btw!

As for telling the fambo - there's 3 weeks to decide with my ever changing mind!

SuffolkNWhat Tue 05-Mar-13 18:29:41

I'm 5 weeks and work/family know.

I tell early because I have HG so need people to be supportive when I run off to be sick.

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