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First pregnancy at 40 and now thinking what the hell have I done!(15 Posts)
I guess I'm hoping someone will understand how I feel and tell me it's normal and everything will be ok....
I've just celebrated by 40th birthday and discovered I'm 6 weeks pregnant, I guessed before I had it confirmed and now I just can't believe what I've done. For the last year I've been trying to work out whether having a child is something my partner and I want, we've been together 4 years and neither of us already have children. If I'm honest, I think I started to panic because I could see my 40th approaching and much as I love my job, our holidays etc I was worried we might regret not having children in the future when it's too late for me. So we happily went for it and I've fallen pregnant straight away, literally within the first month, the awful thing is I know I should be over the moon and I know we're incredibly lucky and there are so many couples who would love to be in our position....so why do I feel so rubbish? Instead of feeling happy, I feel totally overwhelmed and I can't stop crying and thinking what the hell have I done? I've confided in a couple of people and all I've heard is how my life is about to be turned upside down and how my body will be ruined forever and how holding down a full time job will be impossible and how parenthood is really hard and if they had their time again they wouldn't do it. I feel like I've just made the worst move of my life.....
It's perfectly normal to be having a wobble (the first thing to go in pregnancy is your hormones!) We decided to try for DC3 and when I fell I had massive doubts over whether I was doing the right thing, cars, bedrooms, money, etc. sadly that pg didn't work out and I was devastated, am now 7weeks pg again and over the moon (am expecting more wobbles at some point!
It's probably just shock because it happened so fast for you, has nobody told you that it is life-changing in the best way. It's not always easy but you really don't mind because you just love them unconditionally. One of my friends who had her first at 40 said to me that if she'd known how great it was she wouldn't have waited so long. Honestly best thing I've ever done
Don't worry. Although I am not 40, this is my first child and at first I was thinking 'Is this the right thing?' I think everyone goes through phases of being scared/worried/apprehensive at first. You wouldn't be human if you didn't! Apparently it's said to be normal to feel these sort of feelings.
Babies are a big change in life and you may be hearing all the negative now- but there are positive aspects too! And who says you can't go travelling with a child, who says you can't still have fun?!
As I went on in my pregnancy and the shock died down, I began to really enjoy the feeling of eventually becoming a mum, the maternal aspects kicked in. I'm almost 20 weeks now and so excited.
I almost feel guilty for thinking having this child was a bad idea before, because it's not. But it's normal to feel fear. It's obviously something you and your partner wanted if you went ahead and done it.
It only took us a few months for me to get pregnant with DC2 at the age of 42. I have has moments where I too wondered what the hell we are doing! Especially as my SIL and a couple of other friends in their 40s are having problems getting pregnant. Having children is the hardest but also most rewarding and fulfilling thing I've ever done. Seeing DD1 (now 4) laugh is enough to make my day. And I'm not the soppy sentimental sort - I'm (or was) a hardened news journo. As for career - I've kept my ambition and have made some compromises so that I do hazed z career. It is hard work - but what good things in life happen without effort? Your feelings are completely natural congrats x
If someone came to me in your position, the last thing on earth is say is that your life and body will be ruined! It will be very different, but not ruined. And how different is entirely up to you. Some people successfully carry on as before bringing baby (and then child) along for the ride. Others prefer to not to. It's up to you!
And you have 9 months to get used to the idea. You don't have to be fully prepared at 6 weeks!
Hormones! Hormones! Evil hormones!
Nothing will be the same again but that's not a bad thing. I don't think the fact that you are 40 changes the fact that early pregnancy can make one very very panicked about the whole thing.
Congratulations and it's going to be ok
It's a bit of a shock when it happens straight away! FWIW I was never going to have kids, didn't see the attraction etc etc. Had DD1 a month short of my 37th birthday, DD2 at 38 and DS just before my 42nd birthday. All conceived very quickly, don't believe everything you hear about the difficulty of conceiving post 35.
Being an older Mum can be exhausting but it makes some things easier, you are in a stable relationship, You are more likely to be stable at work as well (BTW, it's completely possible to combine children and a career as long as both you and your DP share the housework and childcare and have good quality childcare in place for when you are both working), and I think you are more confident in yourself which must help with parenting.
Remember there will be days you feel shite and wonder why you are doing it but you will also have some lovely times as well. Yes, there is a lot of drudgery at the beginning but once they can talk, and go to the toilet by themselves it gets a lot better.
Firstly congratulations! And secondly, I know how you feel, I'm 41 and 10 weeks pregnant with my 4th child, and although it was planned (took longer than we though and I'd given up), I now have similar feelings. It's definitely hormonal and of course a shock, but believe me, Mother Nature is a wonderful creature and as your pregnancy progresses you will feel overwhelmed and excited. It's amazing how quickly our lives adapt when our little ones arrive and it is enhanced beyond your wildest dreams. Even through the tough times you will look back and wonder what on earth you would do without your little one in your life. Try and enjoy the pregnancy and let nature do its thing, you've just made the best decision ever xxxxx
It's hard work, and I did regret having DC's at times, but nowadays it's much less hard work and much more fun and rewarding and my regretful thoughts have gone (but not completely disappeared).
And that's the unvarnished truth.
Right, first of all - everything is not set in stone.
Some bits of parenthood will be hard and other bits will be amazing. Like everything worth doing, it takes work.
I am having my second DS in a week or so (am in mid thirties so not young). I would like to report back that the first one was often difficult (lack of sleep ahhh) but he did not ruin my body. Actually I preferred my breasts after 16mo of breastfeeding - they were a more rounded shape.
And my career certainly isn't ruined - yes, I work full time and it's hard to balance as we have no family near but I feel lucky that I am able to work doing something I really like but I also have a more fulfilling life outside work too.
So will it be all those things in the dire warnings? Yes, at times. But it can't be so bad because DH and I have just been giggling ourselves stupid at DS reading us his stories and we are having another one.
It will change everything and, if you're anything like me, you got to 40 without children by being a touch averse to change... However change CAN be wonderful. My life is completely different and the things I thought I valued have receded, to be replaced by things I never even considered. Parts of my body are ... Altered. But I have a child and he makes me feel like there's a point to life that I'd never realised. Soon I'll have 2 kids- now that's a whole new mind fuck!
Huge thanks to all of you for responding x Your comments made me cry - again! It's a real comfort to know my feelings are normal, although I still feel like I'm on the most frightening rollercoaster and I just so badly want to shout 'Ok it's enough I've experienced the ride now let me get off'. I so hope the negative feelings start to subside soon. I don't know how you ladies go through this more than once, I've gone from being a really stable, happy, love life kind of person to crying all the time and the most depressed I've ever felt! I'm definitely doing this just the once, after this baby arrives I'm having an IUD put straight back in Best of luck with your pregnancies x x
You feel rubbish because pregnancy hormones are a bitch, and do all kinds of weird and wonderful things to our previously rational brains. I too fell pregnant straight away at 40, and to start with I wasn't even sure I wanted to keep the pregnancy. But I fell in love with my little one the day I saw the heart beat on a scan, and have remained totally in love the whole way through. I have literally just returned home from hospital with my newborn, and can't take my eyes of her.
Motherhood is unbelievable, wonderful, frightening, and overwhelming. I for one and so so glad I joined the club, and I am sure you will be too. Best of luck
I felt exactly as you do when I discovered I was expecting my ds. I was 28, it was a planned pregnancy, I was (and still am) married to the father and we were financially solvent. Parenthood is like nothing you have ever done before. Ok so your life will never be the same again but different can be good!
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