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Wedding invite 2.5 weeks after due date.

(59 Posts)
Bejeena Wed 27-Feb-13 09:56:23

We have a wedding invite for reasonably close friends and the wedding is 2.5 days after my due date. It is just under an hours drive from where we live.

Of course I would love to go and I know my friend will be upset if we decline but I am wondering if it is really feesible? Of course I could go overdue, could have baby early, might have to have a c section (althogh hope not) and be recovering, we just don't know.

Of course the friend doesn't have children and doesn't really understand how difficult it could be. Also since it is my first I don't really know myself. What if I am having trouble breast feeding and baby takes long to feed?

Also I am a bit worried about everyone wanting to touch and hold baby after been drinking and smoking and everyone just cooing over him/her.

Has anyone been to a wedding so shortly after?

I am hoping that my friend might be a bit understanding about it all and accept that maybe we might have to pull out. Also I really hope she'll understand that we can really only go for the day and not stay into the night (I am assuming she'd like everyone to stay at reception hotel as it is a big place and pre baby we wouldn't have hesitated to do this)

Or should we just decline from the start? I don't know what to do.

Bejeena Wed 27-Feb-13 13:43:33

Of course my plan is to discuss this with the bride before we RSVP. Yes of course in an ideal world I want to go and will be able to give a definite yes. But I have no guarantee that my baby will won't be 2.5 weeks late do I? What if I have the baby the day before?

I totally understand things from the brides point of view, I was also a bride myself once. However for anyone I was close enough to invite to my wedding I personally would have been accomodating in this situation and actually was, a few pregnant people attended and I was fully aware that they might have had to pull out last minute.

However I was a bit more of an easy going bride, couldn't really have cared less where everyone sat as long as they all had a seat, which the venue certainly would have ensured. Two people RSVPed yes 5 days before wedding day, but I didn't care less that there weren't enough favours!

I am sure the bride is aware of all this anyway she knows my due date. I am going to ask her if she would prefer us to hope we can make it with the small risk of maybe having to pull out or if she doesn't want our places 'wasted' that we RSVP no from the start.

annaitaliana it does sound like your friends were a bit unreasonable in not letting you know. However I cannot understand how you also don't see that having a newborn at a wedding is not the same as having a child.

If my friend says no babies then it is a no brainer we simply won't go.

Jibberoo Wed 27-Feb-13 13:47:25

I went to wedding 2 weeks after my ds was born. Was no problem and I had ecs. We just left reception when tired. All ds did was eat and sleep grin

GingerDoodle Wed 27-Feb-13 13:52:32

Plenty of people with advise both ways. I can only offer my perspective.
My husbands birthday was 2 1/2 weeks after I was due - I always host big parties for is (as its Halloween). I was adamant I would do it - the vast majority of people said I was mad, I would feel crap, I wouldn't cope etc. DD actually arrived a week early; I hosted as planned, including making the cake. I outlasted most of our guests. DD was totally unfazed and slept in her pram in the middle of the party for most of it.
We also had some of our NCT friend attend - all with babies born after mine.

So from my perspective, depending on how you feel and what your baby is like going to events and indeed hosting them is entirely feasible.

battyralphie Wed 27-Feb-13 13:56:32

I went to a wedding 2 weeks after my ds was born by section and it was fine, however, it was very close by, and I see the point of the comment about car seats. If you take a sling and a pram so you have a choice of where to put the baby you should be fine. You can always go out if your baby becomes unsettled or needs feeding. The baby will probably still be really sleepy, so it is a better time to go to a wedding than when you have a lively and mobile toddler (also speaking here from experience....very bitter experience!) Your outfit might be a challenge though, and be careful not to be in ANY photos. But realistically, you might be best waiting to see how you feel after the birth and then deciding.

LindaMcCartneySausage Wed 27-Feb-13 13:57:42

I probably wouldn't. I've just turned down an invitation to my lovely cousin's wedding, also 2.5 weeks after my due date (I'm 38+ wks now). I'm disappointed not to be there, but she understands. It's hours away and I just don't know how I'll feel after the birth. I don't want to be thinking about what to wear and working out travel logistics, when I can be sat on the sofa feeding and having newborn cuddles.

I had a v easy birth with DS - no tears or stitches and he breast fed beautifully from the get-go, so you may feel great and want to go, but even so weddings are just not that much fun with a tiny baby.

footphobic Wed 27-Feb-13 14:20:24

I'm surprised at the amount of posters who firmly say decline now and don't even think about it, because I think it's so personal. I agree with Blowninonabreeze.

I've had four births including dts and can't comment from pov of a cs if that were to be the case, but I could have attended a wedding 2-3 weeks after all mine were born and been well enough to enjoy it, if in a more low key way. Definitely no supermum type either, and not meant smugly, it just depends on your own experience and recovery.

As well as the physical aspect, again it depends whether you might find it all too stressful as some have mentioned. Although this is an unknown for you, you probably have a fair idea of your own general coping and stress levels, you sound quite laid back to me wink. For me this aspect wouldn't have been a problem either, and you are only an hour from home if you want to come home early.

It's just difficult as you won't know more until the time, so if you want to make a firm decision now you'll have to decline, but it seems like you would like to go, so as you suggest in your last post, talk to your friend about the options.

To annaitaliana , the late response from your friends aside, how odd of you?

Marrow Wed 27-Feb-13 14:26:16

My friend's going to a wedding on Saturday with a five day old. I'll let you know how she gets on!

SushiPaws Wed 27-Feb-13 14:26:59

I went to a wedding with 6 week old ds. We drove 7 hours and stayed in self catering. I asked before if there'd be a place to feed and it was fine.
I wore a pair of nice trousers, a vest and a floaty top, so I could feed easily.

Only you'll know if you're mentally and physically able to go. And that might not be until the day. If the bride is okay with that, then you can relax.

smellysocksandchickenpox Wed 27-Feb-13 15:32:18

annaitaliana I think the usual etiquite is that babes in arms, especially (but not exclusively) if BF, aren't counted at children at weddings, more part of the mum

annaitaliana Wed 27-Feb-13 15:48:39

We made our decision of no children at the wedding was before DH and I had been down the baby path ourselves. And at the time, newborns were considered "children" in our book! I think it's hard to understand when you haven't had a DC yet and as Bejeena mentioned, her friend doesn't have children. Just takes a bit of communicating on both the bride and the friend's part so everybody appreciates both points of view...

Locketjuice Wed 27-Feb-13 15:48:41

Without sounding harsh.. You are having a baby not a major op!

Unless of course the birth doesn't go well and you do need c-section etc and really don't feel up to going I don't see why you couldn't? I had a shit labour and was in loads of pain after but went to a friends leaving do 5 days after having him, he came too, slept the whole time.

DoingItForMyself Wed 27-Feb-13 16:15:14

Bejeena I have no guarantee that my baby will won't be 2.5 weeks late do I? What if I have the baby the day before?

I don't think its so much the likelihood of going into labour ON the day which is a concern, but the toll it takes on your body in general, which can last for several years weeks, especially with your first baby.

Bejeena Wed 27-Feb-13 16:33:08

I don't think its so much the likelihood of going into labour ON the day which is a concern, but the toll it takes on your body in general, which can last for several weeks, especially with your first baby.

Ah you see this is could be the thing. I don't think my friend really understands this, she has actually chosen her date around us a bit as she has assumed it will be better for me to travel with baby than whilst 8.5 months pregnant. (I did tell her that would rather come pregnant than with newborn though) I understand it and am hoping she will when I explain it to her, but part of me does have a very awful feeling that if I have had the baby already on my due date or around then that she is not going to be so understanding.

I think I will tell her we really want to come but cannot guarantee for certain that we'll 100% be able to make it and if she'd rather we just cancel then we will do that. But to be honest she is the kind of girl who might sulk if we cancel anyway.

Have not even gone as far to think about her hen weekend.

Brawhen Wed 27-Feb-13 16:43:29

We had similar situation with DS1. In the end DH went without me (I was home with baby but still quite beaten up & exhausted from birth, DS1 was about a week old).

Is that an option? Would not have been our first choice but actually worked quite well for us - I kind of felt like I'd been 'represented' at the wedding and they were chuffed that he'd been there and everyone toasted the new baby.

woodsies1975 Wed 27-Feb-13 17:10:43

I wouldn't go - hard though it is. I was asked to be a bridesmaid for a friend once (now an ex friend) and her wedding was a few weeks after my due date, and she was really p*ssed at me when I said thank you very much for asking me, very honoured etc, but no. Her wedding was cancelled in the end, so I didn't even get to go with my newborn, not that I would have gone anyway. Talk to her, ask her what she really feels, and if she is prepared to keep it flexible for you then all the better. If one of my friends came to me with this dilemma, I'd like to think that I would be understanding. I missed my best friend's wedding at 8 months as I had placenta praevia with DS and if I had gone into labour it would have been a bloody mess, literally, plus dreadful SPD which meant travelling the 3 hours to get there was unthinkable. In the end, I sent a beautiful card to the bride in her hotel for the morning of the wedding and an old fashioned telegram for the best man to read out during the speeches, which the couple really appreciated. Perhaps you could do something along those lines.

bluer Wed 27-Feb-13 17:48:00

I'm going to be my sisters bridesmaid for Weeks after sure date...assuming all goes well anyway but my sister knows I'll need to be flexible and if I can be there I will. We've ordered a massive size of dress and the shop is going to do me a special fitting two days before!

HindsightisaMarvellousThing Wed 27-Feb-13 17:57:04

LindaMcCartney has made a really good point - around the birth and immediately afterwards you should be thinking about yourself, the baby and DH, sitting on the sofa and enjoying cuddles with your newborn. Not wondering if you will fit into anything smart, worrying about leaking breasts, travelling to and from the venue, getting your hair done etc.

I was in a similar situation a few years ago, and said I'd decide nearer the time....well, DD was late, EMCS etc so I didn't go. But I resented the time spent worrying about it when I should have been thinking about DD.

MiaowTheCat Wed 27-Feb-13 18:29:15

Talk to the couple - if only to flag up there'll be three of you to factor in and how close it is to your due date. Odds are with how inductions go for being overdue you're pretty much guaranteed to have given birth by then so it's not going to be you sat there praying your waters don't break as she goes down the aisle as an issue - it's going to be the post-birth you and newborn logistics.

We went to one when DD should have been 1 1/2 months or so (hubby was best man so kind of unavoidable and it was a LONG journey away as well so I didn't want him going on his own) - because of her prematurity she was 3 and a bit months as it panned out - it really wasn't the nightmare we might have imagined - I hid at the back for the ceremony ready to escape if needed, had her in a sling for lots of the reception (to the extent a couple of people wondered where the baby had gone!) and she slept through pretty much all of it... had more problems with hubby catching a stomach bug to be honest!

LucyCamille Wed 05-Jun-13 22:59:24

I know this post is months old but cld really do with some advice/opinions if anyone is still out there!
I've read all your comments and find very interesting. I have my closest cousins wedding 5.5wks after my due date, my DS is 5 and is going to be a page boy.
I hadn't even considered not going as an option, the venue is about 45mins drive from home. I am a recently single mum so will be on my own, my mum will be coming with me but will not be any help.
I am posting as I am quite upset, my nan has called today to try an convince me not to bring the baby as my cousin has had second thoughts about the baby being there but was too nervous to speak to me about it.
My plan for the day was to go to the wedding at 1pm for the ceremony (lurk at the back in case of noise) and then go to the reception. My ex has agreed to pick both baby and DS up at around 6.30/7pm so that I can have a few hours to enjoy the party.
I don't think this seems an unreasonable plan, there will be plenty of other children at the wedding and I have made it clear I won't allow anything to disturb their day. I breatfed DS and intend to with the NB, DS was good as gold at that age and I had a long complicated birth but after about 3 weeks I was fine and feel confident that I will be fine for the wedding. My family can be a bit funny about breatfeeding, call it prudish or ignorance but they seem to treat the fact that I breastfeed with disdain, maybe because I am large chested and none of them managed to do it themselves (!) I will fret about outfit as it would be great to look nice but after what I have been through over the last few months I feel like I could really do with a good day / evening out.
Do you think I am being unreasonable? Can anyone explain to me from the brides perspective what my cousin is worried about? I have run through it every way possible and I just feel they aren't being very considerate to my situation. They are saying they are thinking about me and I won't be able to relax with baby there but I will have DS running around anyway?
Any ideas on what I should say to my cousin? I don't want to force/bully her into having the baby there but I really want to go, DS is really looking forward to being page boy, but without the baby I don't see how its feasible. sad

whattodoo Wed 05-Jun-13 23:12:16

Jesus Lucy, how inconsiderate they're being!

If I were you, I'd be firm that bringing the baby is non negotiable. Either the baby is welcome to the service with you or you and NB won't be going. You plan to breastfeed and don't want to be away from your baby for too long.

Could your family (Mum?) take care of DS so that he can still be page boy?

LucyCamille Thu 06-Jun-13 00:02:01

Thanks, I was beginning to think I was going mad smile
I cant leave DS with my mum, she is a liability (harsh but true)! She can be a nightmare at any type of event but I get upset as I am nothing like her but get tarred with the same brush. We have a large close family who see a lot of each other but they avoid my mum like the plague and me by proxy. I am generally quite hurt as I feel like they have asked my DS to be page boy because they feel they should have and haven't considered the logistics for me. But I snap up any opportunity to see them as they have lots of get togethers and we don't get invited most so I try and make the most out of it when we do as I want DS to feel part of my family not just my ex's.
I really appreciate the comment someone made about NBs being easier than toddlers, I have spent a lot of time with friends with their toddlers and know how difficult that can be in an enclosed situation but tiny babies are no bother unless they are screaming their heads off and I made it clear wld not let that happen.
I have just tried to explain as carefully as possible that it will be fine and I have organised the best arrangement that I can practically but that also I don't know for sure how it will be as every baby is different, when NB is born I will know more etc. But just seems to have fallen on deaf ears. It feels like they are trying to make me feel guity like I wiLl be spoiling their big day and I am being selfish by bringing NB, have even guilt tripped me about putting the baby 'through the ordeal of being at a wedding'. I just don't get it.
Do you think they are worried about the baby getting lots of attention and perhaps stealing some limelight? or just being a nuisance? Seems silly to think that as my cousin is not like that but I can see her mum (my aunt) being concerned, has always made jealous snipes about me as I think she had a problem with me being first grandchild (favourite / pet of my grandparents as she calls me)

MortifiedAdams Thu 06-Jun-13 00:12:30

If it were me, I would decline the meal (incase you cant go and so.dont want to waste the money), but asl of you would be welcome to.come to the service if you felt up to it. Id pop the baby in a sling and slip.in at the back, watch, congratulate them and then slope back.off home to bed.

LucyCamille Thu 06-Jun-13 00:44:48

From what they are saying they don't want NB there at all. They aren't having more people for the reception, they have made it clear all at service are there for the duration. They want me and DS there all day but want me to leave NB somewhere else, assumption is with ex's family then I will babysit my mum, make sure she behaves and take her home in a taxi at the end of the night. I am surprised at the general consensus that no one would dream of leaving their NB, it seems my family think it the norm!

Longfufu Thu 06-Jun-13 07:54:48

My due date is 11 aug and I'm going to a wedding on the 31st August. I'm trying for a VBAC but if I haven't gone into labour by the 25th I'm having a CS.

life goes on, long as you can take the Baby I don't see what the problem is. The wedding I'm going to is no children, except "baby's in arms", if however its def no babies then I would decline.

LucyCamille Thu 06-Jun-13 09:06:41

Does it seem strange to people then that they have got lots of children going and but they don't want me to bring the baby? It sounds like most of the time its the other way around? Babes in arms being considered extension of the mother? I have got a wedding next year which is no kids and have assumed no babies or kids. Also another wedding later in the year which bride didn't even consider me not bringing both baby and DS. Do you think its because I am single mum I won't be able to cope with any disturbances as I won't have any assistance? I assume I am the only guest with a young baby

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