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I think I'm going mad - any advice?(11 Posts)
I am 34 years old & have been with my husband for 10 years (married for 2). I never believed in the whole 'biological clock' thing until about 2 years ago & it is making me crazy! We got pregnant in the first years of our relationship & felt pressured by some close family members not to go ahead with it. I think now that I gave never got over this & I haven't stopped thinking about this pregnancy ever since. After many heated conversations my husband has agreed that we can start to have a family & we have been 'trying' for the last 2 months. The reason I have started this thread is because I think that I am going completely mental! A number of my friends & work colleagues are pregnant & my feelings of utter jealousy disgust me. I have convinced myself on more than one occasion that I am pregnant & then inconsolable when the test comes back negative. If anybody can offer any coping mechanisms, advice for getting pregnant quickly or how my body should feel if I am pregnant I would be extremely grateful.
not the similar situation, but some same feelings.
i 'fell' pregnant the month before we were planning on starting trying - big surprise but unfortuantly i had a MC at 8weeks.
it then took 8 months to get pregnant again, in those 8 months i went through every emotion, including saying 'that i dont need to take a test as i'm definitely pregnant' only for my period to show up a few days later etc, we have been together for 15 years so found that having to DTD because we thought i was ovulating instead of actually being in the mood was not good for our sex life and it actually became a mission - especially mid week after long days at work. After the MC my periods were quite odd - ranging from 30 to 46 days. Every month to the days leading up to my period i was symptom spotting and would then get really disappointed when it showed up.
As it turned out, when i did get pregnant i had absolutely no symptoms, had no morning sickness or other things that people often complain about. But we have just had our 20wk scan and things are looking good.
anyway, my coping strategies (that i didn't really use but would recommend),
would try and make sure that you try and keep the sex interesting and not become a chore (anyway you like - sexy books on kindle to get you in the mood etc).
Make sure you take your folic acid.
Try not to get too obsessed with listening to every change in you body during the month (i was squeezing my boobs to see if they had got harder!) - i had no symptoms so that wouldn't have helped me anyway.
Try and get healthy now - cut down drinking, try and eat better, exercise more etc and if you smoke consider quitting.
i didn't use ovulation sticks but can see how they could help you time DTD
Good luck to you (and i wont say that 2 months is nothing as i know how it feels).
Hi ticktock (great user name...)
I can hugely relate to much of what you say, though I didn't go through the termination thing early on like you did. But I like you went 'completely mental' as soon as we started trying. DH and I have been together many years and I was the one who had to 'push' for ttc because if it had been left to him we would just never have got round to it - I was 35 when we conceived after only a few months' trying but I really did crack up during those few months. I have NO idea how people cope when it takes longer than that, or when it takes many many years as I know it does for some people.
I too was sick with misery/jealousy when colleagues/friends got pregnant and it made me feel awful, like such a bad person. I just got totally obsessed, which was mad as we'd agreed we were just 'not preventing' rather than seriously trying. I couldn't think about anything else and convinced myself there was something wrong. Honestly, I knew even at the time how ridiculous I was being but I just couldn't stop.
Advice on coping... I'm not the right person to ask as I DIDN't cope! But I would just say what you probably already know, that obsessing about it is not actually helpful and that you are just as likely to get pg if you don't worry as if you do (actually more likely!!)
Advice on how to get pg - well I felt I needed data, especially as my cycle was highly irregular, so I shelled out for a Clear Blue fertility monitor (the regular sticks didn't seem to work for me, I could never pin down ovulation) and then we had a LOT of sex on the most fertile days. 2-3 times a day on the super-fertile day or 2, and at least once a day on the increased-fertility days around it. Poor DH was starting to feel like a sperm machine and it wasn't easy to pretend it was all sexy and wonderful all those times!!
Also basic advice - eat well, maybe cut back a bit on drink if you drink a lot but don't obsess about that
as wine is vital and obviously not a good idea to smoke I don't think.
But most of all, stay positive and TRY not to obsess. Keep busy and make sure you keep up the usual things you enjoy in life.
And good luck! (am now 37w and panicking that this was all a very silly idea...)
TTC makes you go bonkers!
Really worth joining one if the conception threads, those ladies will keep you sane!
As a total control freak, what helped me was learning as much about my cycle as I could so I knew when I ovulated. Cycle was 16-48 days after dc1 so that made things a bit tricky. I did temping for a couple of months (see fertilityfriend.com) which helped me understand the other signs. Found OPKs absolutely useless.
If you can, try to put it to the back of your mind and just takes prenatal vitamins. If you can't, then try to keep things positive and avoid regaling DH and friends with it all, that's what mums nets for. Feelings of jealousy v v normal. But realistically you may have a few months to wait and it's important you find a coping strategy that suits you. Good luck!
forgot to say that after my MC, my friend was expecting her second (due the month before my due date), my step sister announced that she was expecting her first (due the month after my due date), and then the month before we finally got pregnant my Brother announced that his wife was pregnant (now due 2 months before my baby).
so i definitely understand the jealously and tears!!!
Luckily there are now going to be 3 babies in the family all within a year (fingers crossed) Christmas is going to get expensive
Thank you Quinandthem I have done the squeeze test too & it reassures me that I'm not the only one!!
emeraldgirl1 we also had the 'not trying but not trying NOT to' conversation & sometimes I feel that I don't share as much of how I'm feeling as I could do with DH as I don't want to put him off the idea as it took me so long to convince him.
Good luck to you both. xx
HPsauce I am new to the whole mums net thing so thanks for the advice if which threads to check out. This is going to be one of my main coping strategies I think, as I don't want to shock my friends with how I'm feeling or my DH as I know he doesn't get the whole biological clock thing. x
I had a miscarriage having got pregnant the first month of trying and was a complete obsessive in the 3 months it took to get pregnancy again. I really shocked myself with how I felt and behaved.
I'd agree with everything above, but also say that while forums can be helpful be careful not to check them all the time. I used to go on a few and post and check obsessively, read other peoples symptom spotting threads and not give myself space to have a life outside trying to conceive. They can be a fantastic source of support though.
Make sure you still have a life outside TTC. Do lots of socialising, arrange nice things to do with your partner, friends etc and above all try not to symptom spot. My only symptom in both pregnancies was a nosebleed, and god knows what that was about. Yet in unsuccessful months I've convinced myself of allsorts!
Oh and re that biological clock, I've got pregnant at 37 and 39 (currently aged 40 and am 37 weeks preg) so don't worry yourself about that ticking.
Let yourself be mad and jealous. After all, you're not actually going to shout I HATE YOU at anyone - don't add guilt to the mix because everyone feels like that. It is an incredibly tough, vulnerable time.
I was 34 when I ttc'ed for the first time and found there was an age pressure and general angst around childless friends. Also TTC opens the floodgates to feelings you didn't even know were there.
It's horrible TTC, and symptom spotting! I got pregnant by accident with my son, so never experienced all the stressing and waiting. We decided to try for DC2, and it was awful! Sadly all the symptoms of very early pregnancy can also be signs that AF is due, so every month at first I convinced myself it was "our month". We tried for about 4 months unsuccessfully, then I caved and bought some Conceive Plus off amazon. Could just be coincidence but I got pregnant the first month using this, so would definitely recommend!
Also remembering the stats helped me - 25% of fertile couples who do everything right will conceive first month. Anything up to a year is normal even without fertility issues, so a couple of months is really no time at all!
I felt exactly the same which really surprised me as before we started ttc I wasn't even sure I wanted children. I'd echo that the conception boards can be a great place for advice, but that it's easy to become obsessed.
Wrt to getting pregnant quicker - it's a cliche and so hard to accept but it will happen when it happens. I tried everything - taking temperature, conceive plus lubricant, no hot baths, lying with legs in the air afterwards, ovulation sticks, dtd every other day, making sure I orgasmed afterwards to help the swimmers shoot up...
After 10 months it happened the month we only dtd once due to long shifts and working away. We had a quickie in the afternoon then I shot up, showered and rushed to work. 6 months later my little boy made a very dramatic and early arrival!
I agree with taking the folic acid and just generally getting yourself as fit and healthy as possible - being pregnant is hard work and can really take it out of you. And allow yourself to feel what your feeling - cry if you need to, pamper yourself each month if it doesn't happen, hide pregnant friends from your Facebook news food... Good luck!
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