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I'm pregnant, I want it, my boyfriend would prefer me to have an abortion???

(24 Posts)
Angelina7 Tue 12-Feb-13 01:28:41

Hi,

I am approx 8 weeks pregnant, it wasn't planned at all but it happened, surprisingly I feel totally maternal and all I want to do is protect and have our baby and make things work.

My boyfriend and I have been together less than a year, I do care for him very much and I would be so happy to become a family, even though I know at this early stage in our relationship our future is quite unpredictable, at first he said he would stand by me with whatever decision I make, but in the last few weeks he has suggested having an abortion about 3 times now saying he is just not ready (we are in our late 20's), I feel that even though I am not in the best situation to have a baby, I always knew I wanted to be a mum and as it has already happened, I will do whatever it takes to make things work for my child, myself and my boyfriend if he wishes to be involved. I just don't feel right about having an abortion, I am not always against abortion in the right circumstances but I think it would affect me greatly choosing to terminate something so precious.

We both find it very difficult to talk to each other about the situation, I guess neither one of us wants to upset the other and I have not yet told any family or friends because I was hoping that my bf would stand by me with my decision but now I feel that we may be pushing each other away because of these circumstances. I just need to hear some outside perspective on my situation if possible?

Thank you x

LeoandBoosmum Tue 12-Feb-13 01:33:28

I think you have to go with your heart and have the baby... You have to be prepared for the fact you might be going it alone...

Jojobump1986 Tue 12-Feb-13 01:50:14

As difficult as the conversation might be I do think you need to sit him down & explain to him that you are not comfortable with the idea of a termination & will be continuing with the pregnancy & that he is free to decide how involved he wants to be.
You also need to make an appointment with the midwife if you haven't already.

Congratulations! I hope everything works out for the best! smile

babyradio Tue 12-Feb-13 02:00:22

You've said several times in your post that you don't want an abortion, so that decisions made smile

I too have been with my boyfriend for less than a year. We don't have a stable relationship all of the time and it was hard for me to know what was the right thing to do. In the end, after about a week of torturing myself I realised I wanted the baby and I was worrying about what other people might want. As for our relationship, I might not always love my boyfriend but I will love our baby for the rest of my life.

There's a lot of help and support if he decides he truly doesn't want to be involved. He may just need more time to get used to the idea. It's hard to bond with something that isn't here, and it's perhaps a bit less 'real' for him than it is for you.

Try to talk to him, keep calm and discuss what you both want then try to find a way to compromise and if you truly can't, it's not the end of the world. It really isn't.

it's obvious that you want your baby, so go ahead & have him/her.

if your boyfriend doesn't want to be involved, it's his loss- as long as you're willing to go it alone.

congratulations!!

Congratulations on your pregnancy smile

I agree with previous posters - once you know that you want that baby, it becomes impossible to go through with an abortion. It can affect people even when it really is the right thing to do, and I think you would have a hard time living with that choice if it isn't truly what you want, always wondering "what if"...

You know your own mind, you need to make it clear to your partner that you would not be comfortable getting an abortion - then what he decides from there is his choice. Do you have family close to you who would be supportive?

Wishing you all the best xx

TinkyPeet Tue 12-Feb-13 08:00:07

Sounds like your decision is already made! Congratulations. Xx

Congratulations.
I was in the same situation as you but found out I was 5 months not 8 weeks.
I have had to go it alone, move back to my parents and leave my job. But DD is 5 months now and even though life is hard, the ex makes it harder She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She amazes me everyday.
I know my life has changed for the better, without her well- it's unthinkable.
Congratulations, if you want to talk feel freel to pm me

runnerblade Tue 12-Feb-13 08:13:18

I was in your position a few years ago - unplanned pregnancy, boyfriend reluctant to become a father. I came under a lot of pressure to terminate, but I just couldn't do it. Not because I am anti-abortion (just the opposite in fact; very firmly pro-choice) but because it felt right to continue with the pregnancy. I realise now looking back that it was very wrong to have been put under that kind of pressure, and our relationship never survived it. Please do not let him tell you that you/he wouldn't be able to cope etc. You will be fine; you want the baby, it will be loved (by you at least) and that is the greatest start for any child. I love my children (including the unplanned ones) with all my heart. Congratulations! Enjoy your pregnancy and stay true to yourself.

ledkr Tue 12-Feb-13 08:19:28

You said it "I want it" therefore if you do terminate its pretty obvious it will be traumatic and hard to get over.
The wishes if your partner are important and you should hear him but intimately it's you who has to live with the decision not him.

MakeHayNotStraw Tue 12-Feb-13 08:24:38

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I've not been in this situation, so feel free to ignore me if I'm way off the mark, but it strikes me at if you go ahead with an abortion because he pressures/threatens you into it, your relationship with him is unlikely to survive the subsequent betrayal you are bound to feel. So either way you risk the relationship but (in my mind, anyway) it is more likely to survive - if that is what you want - a baby than a forced abortion.

All the best with your pregnancy!

expatinscotland Tue 12-Feb-13 08:28:59

You need to make it clear to him that you will not terminate and he is not to make any more 'suggestions'.

beckie90 Tue 12-Feb-13 09:00:41

If you don't want to, don't do it, its you that has to live with it and regret it.

When I was 17 and my.boyfriend 19 we had been together only 5 months I fell pregnant, he didnt want to keep it but I did, so I told him that if he wanted to walk away then he could he chose not to. He wasnt the most supportive whilst I was pregnant but then again at 19 he was still immature. Skip forward to 22 (me, he's 24) and were still together we.now have 2 children and are expecting our 3rd which was a shock he again said we already had 2 kids and it was hard enough but I've done what I feel is best for me and my children, he's come round now and is fine, although at your stage (8wk) he wouldnt even speak to me. It takes some getting used to for them.

I really hope everything works out for you, good luck and congratulations smile xxx

ICompletelyKnowAboutGuineaPigs Tue 12-Feb-13 10:20:26

I was in a similar situation with DC1. The pregnancy was totally unplanned but the second I saw that positive test I knew that I was having that baby. My ex-p asked and asked me to terminate. I made it clear that that was nit going to happen. He decided he didn't want a baby or anything to do with me and I was devastated. I had no idea how I was going to cope and at one point I think I begged him to stay with me blush.

Long story short...he changed his mind about the baby bit and has been involved (albeit to varying degrees) since DSs birth. We didn't continue our relationship (thank goodness) and I now have another child with a partner who is much better suited to me and we are expecting DC3 in April. My point, I suppose, is that what you think you need/want can and does change. Once I realised being a single parent wasn't as awful as I had imagined I was actually relieved (and embarrassed at the desperation) that he hadn't stayed out of duty. I feel like my life is far better now than if I'd had a termination against my better judgement and if my ex-p had stayed and pretended to be comfortable with something he clearly wasn't ready for.

Good luck and congrats on your pregnancy - children are hard work but they're awesome and I wouldn't change my life with them for anything.

Dogsmom Tue 12-Feb-13 10:45:49

I was in your situation 10 years ago but had only been with my partner 3 months, I did go through with the abortion though and didn't realise how much it had affected me until I broke down at a routine smear test a few months later.

The nurse was fantastic and put me in touch with a counsellor, I attended a 12 week course to help me come to terms with it but it turns out they also do pre-abortion counselling too which my partner and I could've attended together or separately and I really wish I'd known about it beforehand.

Nobody offered me help beforehand, the doctor just referred me then on the day I was asked my details (name, address etc) and the only other question was 'is anybody forcing you into the termination?' to which I said no.

I may well have come to the same decision if I had had counselling but I'll never know, it all seemed so daunting and scary at the time but made all the worse for having nobody to answer my questions.
As for my relationship we have gone on to get married and are expecting our first, planned, child in a few weeks, I don't blame him at all, I know it took a lot of guts for him to be honest with me at the time and I'm glad he didn't just say 'yeah we'll keep it' when deep down it wasn't what he wanted at the time.

Sorry for the long post, it's a long winded way of saying that you should definitely either ask your doctor to be put in touch with a counsellor or seek it out yourself and ask your partner to attend too, probably best on his own, so he can get any questions answered and have all the information before making a final decision.x

expatinscotland Tue 12-Feb-13 10:54:55

Dogsmom, the OP does not want an abortion.

Congratulations opsmile
Do what you feel in your heart is best.
Don't let him or anyone else decide for you, you may not even be with him for life as you have only been together less than a yr.

Late 20s is the perfect age to have a baby, he needs to grow up and support you. It's very wrong he has gone along with with it, then waited until you were 8 weeks before admitting the truth. He can't play with your mind like that, it's wrong, and the further along you get the worse it will be to terminate.

Only think of what YOU want, and go with it. It sounds from your post that you know you want to keep this baby,
goodluck op thanks

Dogsmom Tue 12-Feb-13 15:01:16

Expatinscotland - I know she doesn't want an abortion but she says she would like some outside perpective and is having trouble discussing it with her partner, a counsellor would help give her the confidence that she can do it, alone or with him and also help her partner by giving him someone neutral to talk to.

I know I had a million questions but felt so isolated as everyone had an opinion whereas a counsellor is completely neutral and impartial and would have given me factual answers not based on personal preferences.

DanniiH Tue 12-Feb-13 15:31:50

Based on what you said I think you would regret it if you had a termination. I'm totally pro choice but I think you've already chosen! Just tell the guy he can be involved as much as he wants. It'll be hard to go it alone but you never know he may come around especially when you start to show and it becomes more real. You're not kids and you get quite a while to get your head around things, a lot can change in almost 10 months.

Hope all goes well and congratulations!! x

mumof2princesses Wed 13-Feb-13 00:24:15

hi i have had an abortion n i do sometimes regret it im not saying keep the baby al im sayin think it thru wat u want to do... i did it becoz i was ill n i cudnt manage at the tym xxx thanks congrats thanks

Angelina7 Wed 13-Feb-13 00:47:35

Wow, thank you all so much for your amazing messages and support, I am touched and it feels so good to finally speak to people about my situation.

That's the thing I know in my heart I have made up my mind, to me i am already a mum because the baby is already there whether you can see him/her or not, I guess I have accepted it even though occasionally my head starts thinking and I feel like I may be trying to rose tint things in my head or like I am betraying my bf. I think if I had an abortion I would not want to stay with him and then I would be alone ..and feel like I was missing something.

So thank u, I take on board your advice and face that I may go it alone but I think it will be worth it, and if I am lucky enough to have fairy tale esc stories like some of you who were in a similar situation but you are still with your partners, then amazing that would be a bonus.

Yes I have a big family and I know whatever they think of the situation they love me and will support and stand by me so I am extremely lucky in that way even though none of them know yet :-/ !!

Maybe I should see a pre abortion counsellor not for me because I know its not the right thing for me but for my bf out of respect but I have researched into abortion and I do kind of think what's the point, I can't even bare to think about speaking about the possibility of that .... So maybe I should but I probably won't (just being honest!)

Again, thanks so much every reply has helped me and feel free to add any more advice and I will keep in touch too.

Xxx

Good luck angelina smile

5madthings Wed 13-Feb-13 11:40:16

Congratulations and good luck smile

elsabel Wed 13-Feb-13 12:12:18

Youve had some really helpful replies here and i have nothing to add, except congratulations and good luck xx

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