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So scared..not the ideal situation..

(14 Posts)
Worriedmumtobe24 Sat 09-Feb-13 18:54:06

Hello all,

Ive just had it confirmed by 2 home pregnancy tests that im expecting my first child..I know this should be a happy time. However, Im so overwhelmed im just confused about what I want to do.

Me and my partner have been on and off for the last 2 years..when were on its amazing no-one has ever made me happier and when were off..no-one has ever hurt me so much.

Im 24 and he is 23. I work full time and im in a comfortable position whereas he is quiet the opposite, he lives with a family member and has had a hard upbringing..(his mum had him when she was 14 and has always played a guilt trip on him that he is lucky she kept him) he has never met his father.

When we break up he says its because i can do so much better..i probably can thats why i just dont know what to do now.. before i found out i was pregnant we said goodbye for the last time because we couldnt keep going round in circles..my choice and we didnt have any contact for 3weeks and obviously ive let him know im expecting our first child. He was calm and said he doesnt know how to feel..he wants to be there for me but doesnt want to let me down like his dad did his mum and he is in no position to be a dad (which is true) he also said he loves me and we will meet up soon to chat.. i also saw on his status he has a new girlfriend which im sure youll imagine sent me into despair these hormones are all over the place..

I really dont have anyone to ask for advice as my family are anti abortion so i know as soon as i tell them it will be 100% keeping the baby.

Deep down i really want the baby (crying again - sorry!) but I always imagined marriage, house, baby. I told one friend and she said i should terminate i deserve so much better and this isnt what i worked hard for since leaving uni to end up having a child for a man that doesnt know what he wants and cant provide.

Im so scared to do it on my own I know my family will be there but we live 100 miles away. I know im 24 and alot younger ladies do it..but my head is just such a mess.

I dont think i could live with myself if i had a termination..id also be scared it would effect future fertility.

So sorry to post here..i just dont know where else to go .

You have already said that you want the baby. Once you have decided that, nothing else should matter.

No, it isn't the ideal situation. But do plenty of mums thrive and go on to have happy lives as single parents? Yes! Do children feel loved and secure when they only have one parent at home? Yes! And from where I'm sitting it sounds like you also have a strong family around you which is absolutely wonderful.

If you had an abortion now, it would affect you. It's different for everyone but I have seen how badly it still weighs on some people, even those who were sure it was the right thing to do. I am not anti-abortion but because I can see how much you want this baby, I really think it would affect your own mental health to be talked into a termination.

Your job, career and love life can wait a year or two.

Please talk to your mum or another family member who will be able to support you during this very tough time.

PS, congratulations on your pregnancy!! grin

beckie90 Sat 09-Feb-13 19:28:40

Hey hun, you came to the absolute right place.

Well were to start, you need to do what you want deep down, if you think you couldn't live with a termination, then most likely you will regret it. I see absolutely were your coming from, I'm 22 expecting my 3rd to my partner, when we found out we was having our first we had only been together a few months, I decided to go ahead i thought everything was roses with him (it really wasn't) he changed and I spent my entire pregnancy down and stressed splitting up, but when our little boy arrived it put things into perspective, and its hard but motherhood is wonderful. But its all about your choices and your plans, have a good think about it. Some other ladies will beable to advise you better than me. Good luck with whatever you choose xxx

PhieEl06 Sat 09-Feb-13 19:34:48

I'm 18 having my first baby with my 22 year old unemployed boyfriend, we've been together 14 months & although not ideal & no where near what I planned I am over the moon now. When I found out I was 8 weeks & it was just before Christmas, we went through the whole abortion talk, & realised no matter how difficult it is & will be having a baby, termination wasn't for us. I'm now 17 weeks, my family & friends are coming round to the idea & I am so excited, I'm in a good stable job with employers who have been supportive.

My main point is I know how scary & frightening it is, but also it can be the most exciting & happiest time of your life when you accept it. Sometimes the most unplanned & unexpected things in your life are the best & use the support you can get on here, when I found out I was distraught for a week or two to be honest but the fantastic people on here made me see that this isn't the worst thing in the world. & two pieces of advice that I recieved through here - what is meant for you will not pass you by & just because you have a baby doesn't mean your life is over & your dreams are unachievable.

I hope you can make sense of that, I have typed very quickly so sorry for typo's. smile

Happysurprise Sat 09-Feb-13 20:54:08

I wouldn't want to advise you one way or another because I think it will be a from the heart decision that only you can make. However my best friends sister had a baby on her own after uni at 22 managed to keep down a good job at a well know investment bank and has raised the most gorgeous well mannered little boy. Her parents help out in the school holidays (he's now at secondary school) and for sure it must be tough on your own but it's doable. People told her it was the wrong time and she'd waste her career chances. She proved them wrong & they are both happy.

Not sure if it's relevant but the father was a dancer she spent one night with on holiday in Ibiza!

babyradio Sat 09-Feb-13 21:38:08

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, I had some doubts too at the start because of my relationship, fears about career options, being too young/not ready and so on. In the end none of these were good enough reasons for me to do something that I may regret for the rest of my life, particularly as I take from your post that like me you already have strong feelings one way or the other about abortion.

I knew from my reaction to my pregnancy test that I wanted the baby, in your gut you usually know what you want and you're old enough to make that decision yourself.

I'm only in my mid-20s and my boyfriend lives on the other side of the world almost. It's not ideal and not easy but you do what you can with what you've been given.

There is a great deal of help available for young mothers in this country and you can take advantage of that. It is possible to raise a baby without much money and by the sounds of it while your family might not be happy with the idea of you having a baby (or terminating), they would come around and you would have help and support from them even though they don't live very nearby.

A quick glance at this board at any time of day shows plenty of women in the 'ideal' situation who feel exactly the same at the start of their pregnancy. It is scary, but I believe it's supposed to be, because if we weren't afraid of getting things wrong we wouldn't put much effort into getting them right, if you see what I mean.

I'm more than halfway through now and I'm still scared, but there is ALWAYS a way.

Sorry for the essay but I recognised so much of my early emotions in your post and I wanted you to know that everything can and does work out. I can only hope you don't suffer with morning sickness like I did! Good luck and please feel free to message me if you want to talk further. x

ElliesWellies Sat 09-Feb-13 22:43:06

I think you have answered your own question. You want the baby and couldn't live with yourself if you had a termination.

I don't know the ins and out of your relationship/ex-relationship, but I think it would be safer to plan for being a single mother. Is moving closer to your family an option at all?

ElliesWellies Sat 09-Feb-13 22:46:43

And congratulations. Having a baby is such hard work, but also the best thing that could ever happen. There is never really an 'ideal' situation... if you want to have this baby then definitely, go for it.

i agree with pps, from the sounds of it youve already decided to go ahead, and you will be fine honestly.

However should you decide to terminate its very very unlikely it should damage your fertility, honestly i speak from experience.

You know im 24 i have a 5 yo 4 yo and 7wk old you would be fine ive been scared every time but i adore them all and me and there dad wouldnt have it any other way

If you would like to speak in confidence about all of the options open to you and to find out what support there is for whatever option you choose, I would recommend finding your local Care Confidential centre. Among other things, they offer counselling and factual advice for women deciding what to do with an unexpected pregnancy. They also offer post-abortion counselling if you decided to go down that route. They do not expect you to make a decision and tell them what you have decided so there is no pressure on you to make up your mind one way or another. You can also be confident that they won't pressure you in to an abortion to get extra money because it's not a service that they offer (and their services are completely free). If you would prefer to talk to an advisor over the phone, or over the Internet, you can do this too.

Worriedmumtobe24 Tue 12-Feb-13 11:01:12

Quick update - Ive decided to keep my baby..so excited and nervous! These hormones are ridiculous happy one minute and crying the next.

The babys dad wants to meet up and spend time together but I said ill contact him when im due think the space apart is the best thing for him to gather what he truly wants. His mum is over the moon and said she will be there when i need her just let her know the time and place. I told my mum and she handled it better than i thought she was very happy and said she is so proud of me and im to never feel alone because she will always be there..(crying!!!!) lol.

A little note to all the ladies that were in my state of emotion..do not rush to make a desicion and follow your heart..it may be hard..but nothing good in life is easy x

thanks for all the support on here xxx

PhieEl06 Tue 12-Feb-13 11:05:39

Great to hear you've made a decision your happy with worried, congratulations. smilethanks

I am so pleased to hear this. Your mum sounds absolutely fab, you're lucky to have someone strong behind you.

It's lovely to hear you so happy smile Enjoy your pregnancy, I'm sure we'll see you around here fairly often!

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