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Fantastic, fabulous 40+ Mums-to-be! Part 3

(1000 Posts)
eagleray Mon 14-Jan-13 20:38:19

We've run out of space so here's a new thread so we can support each other and talk about the trials, tribulations and utter joy at being pregnant at 40+

All new members welcome smile

somewherebecomingrain Wed 30-Jan-13 10:25:07

V interesting Scarecrow and cycle. Childcare is structurally flawed in uk like lots of other things. I feel stabbed in the gut every time I read about the big arms of the state in Scandinavia countries - there are some v chilled scando mums on the april thread ridiculous something like a year ar full pay for mum and dad somethig like that. Then it's free childcare. How much more chilled would we all feel and how much happier would our kids be?

Not the same issue at all. Need to look at these proposals more carefully to respond more to the point.

Xx

BadMissM Wed 30-Jan-13 11:29:44

Somewhere That's brilliant news on both counts, so happy to hear your Mum is doing better and is such a relief to stop having tooth pain!

scarecrow Maybe degree/learnt wisdom help you to have a wider view of life and expect the most for children? I think if you pay peanuts, you get monkeys on the whole. In France childcare seen as a professional career and respected, unlike here. So it attracts different people. They also use teacher-trainees as 'pions' - sort of classroom/playground assistants, so they are also of high quality, and teacher-trainees getting hands-on (paid) experience at working with kids from the very beginning.

I think also having a better standard of education/aspiration, you also read around what you are doing, look into new thoeries and practice, keep your mind open to new things, rather than stultifying in the year you trained and staying there... It's also about challenging children to the maximum, and expecting great things of them....

Children in poor areas suffer from the 'ghetto school problem'. Poor areas have poor schools/nurseries, attract poor quality of staff, attract poor quality of pupils (as middle-class parents send their kids elsewhere), and this becomes a circular problem... The poorer kids don't have the wherewithal (or the pushier parents needed) to go to school elsewhere...

BadMissM Wed 30-Jan-13 11:30:44

French state-funded and subsidised creches and nurseries offered a brilliant standard of care and qualification.... We need that here.

somewherebecomingrain Wed 30-Jan-13 14:05:36

Btw I sound like victor meldrew. I am not at all
Grumpy today in fact. What is more my dp has just got a job he really likes although he's conflicted about putting his company on hold.

Badmissm more evidence that we've got it wrong over here. My childminder was v intellectually engaged with child care and development despite not having a degree which is why I liked her. She was studying it alongside doing it. Disastrously a personality disorder neighbour complained about the noise and she had to close down! I think she's got
Going again.

Increasing the ratio is typical of this govts market driven approach. It has to drive down quality as no child carer has infinite energy to sustain attachments which is the key thing with under-3s - it's a finite pie. It will lead to more stressed children. The ratios are
A psychological safeguard for
Future generations and shouldn't be treated
Like an MBA exercise in business efficiency.

Still talking without really looking at the story.

Interesting that France is so different I suppose
It is much more socialist
Xx

somewherebecomingrain Wed 30-Jan-13 14:09:15

Ps thanks so much for warm wishes everyone xx

BadMissM Wed 30-Jan-13 17:41:11

somewhere Ooh, he got the job!

I am Victoria Meldrew today, so you can't possibly be.

scarecrow22 Wed 30-Jan-13 19:13:14

Really interesting points on Childcare all around. BadMiss you put it much better than me.

One problem I think - and must read full report - is that Uk does effectively provide big gov subsidy for cc, comparable with other European countries, but seems to get poor value for that in terms of high fees, low wages and quals, etc.. I believe a commission is due to report on this soon (poss led by Claire Perry MP). My money is on part of the problem is the UK - sadly under both recent govs - tries hard to have a small free market state, then to patch up social problems ends up with a hugely complex web of support including vouchers, as hoc tax relief, and so on. If that "cost" to the exchequer was distributed in more open way, it might be less regressive and get better "value" in terms of quality etc.
I still challenge myself though to see the problem Truss is trying to answer - even though I'm troubled in my heart about her "solution"...

Somewhere - the good news keeps giving. Am thrilled thrilled, for you both. Hope e can find ways around his dilemma: we both share view on dreams, but sometimes there is a bit of reality that has to be dealt with short term. I'm sure with your heroic support you'll did a way together.

scarecrow22 Wed 30-Jan-13 19:13:19

Really interesting points on Childcare all around. BadMiss you put it much better than me.

One problem I think - and must read full report - is that Uk does effectively provide big gov subsidy for cc, comparable with other European countries, but seems to get poor value for that in terms of high fees, low wages and quals, etc.. I believe a commission is due to report on this soon (poss led by Claire Perry MP). My money is on part of the problem is the UK - sadly under both recent govs - tries hard to have a small free market state, then to patch up social problems ends up with a hugely complex web of support including vouchers, as hoc tax relief, and so on. If that "cost" to the exchequer was distributed in more open way, it might be less regressive and get better "value" in terms of quality etc.
I still challenge myself though to see the problem Truss is trying to answer - even though I'm troubled in my heart about her "solution"...

Somewhere - the good news keeps giving. Am thrilled thrilled, for you both. Hope e can find ways around his dilemma: we both share view on dreams, but sometimes there is a bit of reality that has to be dealt with short term. I'm sure with your heroic support you'll did a way together.

scarecrow22 Wed 30-Jan-13 19:18:11

My public service for the day:

Link to that gov childcare report in full

https://www.education.gov.uk/publications/standard/publicationDetail/Page1/DFE-00002-2013

X

BadMissM Wed 30-Jan-13 20:34:15

scarecrow It's all the bureaucracy... complicated voucher systems, child tax credit, too many layers. In France just proved income (or lack of) at Town Hall and they told you how much or little you paid. Change in income...take it to the Town Hall, adjusted straight away. I think it's poor economics to sub-contract all these private companies with variable standards of staffing and qualifications, taking an enormous cut of the money..... Would be much better used in direct funding for decent state-underwritten childcare. Private enterprise never adequate substitute for services that should be state-run.

Truss' 'solution' will only profit these private companies further. None of the savings will be passed on to parents, just into the pockets of childcare corporations...

Rant over!

somewherebecomingrain Wed 30-Jan-13 21:36:29

Scarecrow well summed up. I did some work on a study that the govt flooded poorer areas with subsidised childcare to encourage women back to work but these women they were targetting just wouldn't take it because it was still too expensive and also other reasons eg cultural. so just a waste of money empty nurseries. That would fit the idea you both raise that just too complex over here and govt trying to use it in convoluted ways to get social outcomes.

Bad miss France less bureaucratic than the uk? That does surprise me, having lived there for a year. There is no mercy in French bureaucracy it's a machine u gotta get it right first time. But childcare values and practice sounds way better

Xx

eagleray Thu 31-Jan-13 08:19:13

Morning - quick hello from me - promise to try and catch up soon. - we got home from hosp yesterday pm after hideous feeding probs. baby Eagleray then proceeded to act like she knew how to do it all along and now won't stop.

She also says she would like to stay but can I bloody hurry up and give her a name. Have uploaded a pic for you

Waves to all - will speak to you all properly soon - right now getting to the loo is an achievement xx

Ps - birth story is probably not something to be retold here - good job sleep deprivation helps to block memories of it confused

lotsofcheese Thu 31-Jan-13 08:47:51

Congrats Eagle!!! Had been thinking of you over the last wee while & so glad to hear your wonderful news!! Looking forward to hearing the name :-)

I'm not the best at updating on this thread of late, life is manic & will be for the next month, whilst I have a major project to deliver at work, DS's school entry deferral application & lots of extra ante-natal checks. I'm 25 weeks tomorrow, BP is still low so far, but I'm on weekly checks in case PE strikes again.

So a big hello to everyone, I'll try to be better at updating!

BadMissM Thu 31-Jan-13 12:37:35

somewhere Not in general....in France you normally need every piece of paperwork you have ever possessed to buy a bus pass! But the childcare was surprisingly easy...just payslips at the town hall....

Eagle waves to Eagle and Baby Eagle! Any advance on the name?

lotsofcheese lovely to see you!!!

As for me.... all hell has broken loose and am being referred left right and centre after nothing happening for weeks.... diabetes nurse tomorrow, pregnancy physio on Wednesday, Wednesday after...Mental Health Midwife, Diabetes Consultant/Dietician/Nurse and Consultant Obstetrician.

Saw MW Tuesday....my stupid midwife told me to make appt for Tuesday, then got there and she was on holiday. Was instead a seconded midwife from Blackpool, who seemed horrified I hadn't had tests and information, gave me the blood test for Downs that I was told previously didn't exist, and I think she's kicked people re: referrals...so not all bad.

Urgh, have to take DD to Orthopaedic specialist about car crash she was in last year...not that bad, but 140 mile round trip to one insurance company have chosen... Have had to persuade friend to take us as DH at work...

somewherebecomingrain Thu 31-Jan-13 13:39:45

thanks god for that Badmissm that's brilliant. consultant obstetrician should line you up for an ELCS if you want one.

yes - that sounds more like the France i know.

eagle where's the pic? take your time hon. how are you sleeping? i hope you are getting some sleep. glad the BF has worked out - it's nice.

cheese good news about BP - nice to see you drop in

btw just wanted to offer advice on fatigue - knicky badmiss and other sufferers are you taking supplements? i say this because i've been in a semi-comatose state owing to fatigue but for about a week i've been rotating floradix, spatone and pregnacare. sometimes mixing half floradix half spatone.
also eating tonnes of marmite, broccoli and brown rice for folic acid as that also helps metabolise iron. as well as necking oj with my spatone.

anyway i had a strange sensation yesterday of not feeling particularly tired and not feeling like i couldn't go up the stairs and not feeling like i was about to pass out and not feeling like my stomach was too small for the baby. it was so strange and i wondered if this was how those bloomers, those women who like being pregnant, feel everyday. those women who go 'yes i didn't feel particularly different when i was pregnant, i forgot i was pregnant quite often, it wasn't a big deal' - how THOSE women feel.

anyway just thought i'd pass that on. have to say it still comes and goes - another variable might be the baby developing different parts of itself - i'm sure there are 'brain' days when my brain is literally just collapsing cause the baby is taking all the brain nutrients.

but anyway do feel a bit better so try supplements.

xxx

lotsofcheese Thu 31-Jan-13 14:18:43

Badmiss: glad you're getting some support & proper care now.

Fwiw, I work in a diabetes obstetric clinic & would be gobsmacked if you ended up having anything other than a CS. Women with GDM aren't allowed to get past 40 weeks (38 if on insulin) & it's not advisable to be induced having already had a previous CS (due to risk of uterine rupture). So that's why there's about a 50% CS rate in diabetes. So I'm pretty sure you'll get your section....

eagleray Thu 31-Jan-13 17:11:19

Sorry - pic should now be available. After all that, turns out feeding problems are much worse than originally thought as she has lost way too much weight (possibly due to tongue tie). We are now on emergency measures to prevent readmission to hosp. Have also cancelled all visitors as just feeling too rough to deal with much (these last few days have been no fun at all).

No time to even think about naming her at the moment, although if my mum asks one more time, I will say we are calling her Peter.

Sorry for not being more cheery - just feeling a bit very disconnected from everything and the poor baby is just so lovely but I just don't feel I can do much for her any more. At least I am at home now (nearly ended up with a psychiatric assessment as was so distressed in hospital). Funnily enough, we had no real help with feeding issues when we were there (too many people advising different things) so am still glad we left despite there being problems.

sad

cyclecamper Thu 31-Jan-13 17:20:40

Oh eagle that sounds tough sad. I hope she gets the hang of feeding soon. My sister's second took ages to regain weight and everyone panicked, but once she got going (at about 4 months I think!) she was away. Don't worry about the name, it'll come! Best wishes.

somewherebecomingrain Thu 31-Jan-13 17:37:47

oh my god eagle she's absolutely beautiful!!!!! Well done honey!

I totally understand the distress in hospital - have been there - it's so disorientating and it could be designed to destabilise women when they are at their most vulnerable.

Then baby not putting on weight. Luckily as I gather it is one of those resolvable things and everything will definitely be ok but extremely extremely upsetting and stressful.

You've got a beautiful baby and it will get better. Little Peter/Petra - she's gorgeous!

xxx

MrsWooster Thu 31-Jan-13 20:36:16

Courage,*Eagle*... It sounds like my story, down to the extreme distress... but it DID pass and now seems like a distant time and ds is a HUGE gorgeous feller. We also didn't name him for almost 6 weeks and that ended up ok too! Trust your instincts, hunker down and if people don't approve, tell them to fuck off, with all of our compliments.

cyclecamper Thu 31-Jan-13 20:57:12

eagle - mrswooster is talking sense. Anyway, looking at the picture - what a lovely baby! She looks properly finished - she's thriving in that photo smile.

knickyknocks Fri 01-Feb-13 08:44:03

Well said MrsW!

eagle she's an absolute beauty. The beginning is so so hard particularly after a traumatic birth. Will cross fingers that it is tongue tie, as it's easily fixable. Hang in there honey, things really will get better, but sometimes the start of it all can feel so bleak especially when physically you're so tired. Accept any offers of help you can. Huge hugs to you and the little one xxx

somewhere yes, on some supplements - been taking pregnacare but going to give spatone a go too. And as for your strange sensation - yes I've only had a few of those, but they're amazing when they happen! You're right it must be what it's like all the time for those who enjoy pregnancy. PS fab fab fab about your DH getting the job! Huge congratulations to him.

I'm still not enjoying my pregnancy journey. Burst into tears when I got home last night. I'm truly physically exhausted. Getting up at 6 four days a week and taking DD to nursery at 7.10am is knackering - full day of work, then collecting her again, bath and bed routine. DH is around sporadically, depending on his shifts. 2 weeks today and I can relax and I'll be bloody glad to get there. My mid-back is incredibly painful. Spoke to the midwife yesterday who thinks it's ligament pain and I'm apt to agree. I could do with a good old back massage.

I think my tears were also due to me feeling that I'm not getting much physical affection from DH at the mo, at the best of times we're like ships in the night sad, but right now, I'm going to bed at 8pm even when he is at home as I'm just too tired. I told him how I felt last night and we had a cuddle, but, and this may be hormones speaking, I'm feeling a bit distant from him at the mo - at a time when I just feel I could do with his support. Sorry ladies not to be more upbeat today. I think it was scarecrow who so rightly said that marriage can be an incredibly lonely business at times....

sparklysapphire Fri 01-Feb-13 13:35:43

just popping in quickly

eagleray, congratulations on your daughter - we too took almost 6 weeks to name ours as we couldn't agree - I hope the feeding problems/weight loss are resolved very soon and you'll be able to relax (a bit) and enjoy her properly.

MissM, I'm very pleased to see you're finally being taken seriously and now have lots of appropriate referrals.

knicky the next two weeks must seem extremely long, and no wonder you're exhausted, hoping you feel better in all ways soon.

BadMissM Fri 01-Feb-13 15:07:34

Somewhere Have been taking Pregnacare all along, and omega-3 fish oils capsules. Have cracked finally today and bought some Floradix...will see how it goes! Love Marmite and broccoli, and have been put on brown rice since the pg diabetes stuff!

lotsofcheese Thanks....I'm hoping I get taken a bit more seriously now when I repeat the demand for the CS. Been to see diabetic nurse again today, and in clinic in 2 weeks...

Eagle sorry to hear you're feeling disconnected...and having problems.... it does get easier with time, and also when you haven't got a million people telling you different things....

I was that bad in hospital with DD, which is why I am trying to plan as much as possible so I don't get like it again...

Just tell everyone with a perfectly straight face that you're calling her Bob.

If we have a boy, so far we have no names except DH's odd choice of Beowulf...

Knicky I think men often move away from you at the very moments in pg when you need them most. Remember when pg with DD, ex-H was really distant...Sometimes you're never so lonely as when you're in a couple....many hugs, and maybe just talk to him about how you're feeling (had this conversation with DH a few weeks ago)...

Sparkly It's a relief... just to be listened to...

scarecrow22 Sat 02-Feb-13 08:45:06

eagle sending v UnMumsnetty hugs. Lots of wise advice from other mummies. I second third and fourth the bits about sending people away until you are ready, asking for all help in world and not letting MWs etc guilt you. If babyEagle is suckling and burping and sleeping she is getting what she needs. My DD also dropped max allowed weight after I lost 2lit blood in birth and spent 2-3 days on morphine (wow it's good wink) - luckily they were reassuring and though they came to visit more often were v supportive.
Also you must never ever feel guilty about not coping. You are full of wild hormones, exhausted, daunted and traumatised. Take each feed, each shower, each cup if tea or phone call one at a time and gradually life will start adjusting slowly but surely back into place.
Remember, no baby conceived in such a beautiful story cannot be blessed.
<more hugs>

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