Feel alone

[beannachd]

Hi, I'm not sure if anyone can really help or if this is the right place to post this. I just wanted to offload. I'm about 30 weeks pregnant and am so so scared. Everyone around me is really excited, and I do have support from my family and partner.

I just can't seem to feel excited and wonder if I've made an awful mistake. I have no children so this will be my first. I've spoken to my midwife who referred me to the perinatal team. The lady there is really nice, but we just do breathing techniques and thought processing etc. I've done this sort of thing before and it helps a bit but I feel I need to talk to someone who understands.

I just feel so alone and scared when everyone else is happy and excited for me. I feel terrible about it too.

Thanks for reading xx

[CityDweller]

I don't think I have anything to say that will really help, but I couldn't leave you with no replies as you sound in a bad way. Do you have someone you can talk to about your feelings? How about your partner? How about asking the lady at the perinatal team if there's the option of talking through your feelings, as well as doing the breathing stuff?

If it's any consolation, I had similar feelings at the beginning of my pregnancy (and was debating whether or not to continue with it), so you absolutely are not alone is having 2nd thoughts, being scared, wondering if you've made the biggest mistake of your life, etc. Not everyone spends their whole pregnancy jumping up and down with excitement and cooing over baby clothes and nursery furniture. I didn't begin to feel even the vaguest glimmer of 'excitement' until about 25 wks, and even now it comes and goes (I'm 29 wks). When I have my 'oh god this is a terrible mistake' thoughts I find it really helps to talk to someone about it. And try not to put pressure on yourself regarding how you think you should feel.

[Msbluesky32]

Oh no, poor you, citydweller is right though, we all have our bad times. Its a completely unknown territory for us first timers. couple that with raging hormones and you are bound to be feeling down. Are there local support groups near you? What's causing you the most anxiety?

[HJBeans]

Didn't want to read and run when you are feeling so isolated. I'm just over 11w with what will hopefully be my first child (last two pg ended in m/c). I can't relate completely to what you're saying - my fear is mixed with excitement and I can talk openly with my husband and close friends about all of it. That said, I am finding pg an isolating experience in some ways.

For what it's worth, I think it's completely natural to be scared and have doubts. This process involves our whole lives as well as our bodies changing in unpredictable and uncontrollable ways. Almost every parent friend I have talked to about my worries and doubts says they felt somewhat the same - but most felt they couldn't express it openly. And I've read a lot about women who were extremely ambivalent about their pregnancies the whole way through.

The bright side is that very few parents I've talked to or read about regretted their choice in the long run. For me, it helps to think of the whole process as a massive leap of faith - and to not beat myself up about any negative feelings I have about it.

Back to you:

Are you scared about pg itself, the birth, parenting, or the lifelong commitment? Are you scared of losing your own identity in becoming 'a mum', or not being able to have aspects of your old life back once you have a child? I've felt aspects of all of this at times.

Does your partner know all of how you're feeling, or do you feel you have to sanitise what you share with him because of his own excitement about your pg? Are you completely honest with the perinatal therapist about how much you feel you may have made a mistake?

The fact that you feel badly about your feelings, and that you're so lonely sounding, suggests to me you might be keeping a lot to yourself out of a sense of shame at not being 100% delighted. If you can talk honestly to some people about how you're feeling, especially those nearest to you, I think that would help a lot.

[beannachd]

Thank you. To be honest I think I'm maybe just having a down day. It's not always this bad, but it can be. I think I have the same fears most parents to be have, but I'm magnifying them! I spoke to my mum/family and do feel a bit better. Just overwhelming sometimes.

It's the not knowing what to expect and worries about the baby. Will he be healthy? Have any problems etc? It can get a bit much and sometimes I have to try really hard not to panic myself. You do hear horror stories and I try not to pay too much attention to them but can't help it sometimes.

Thank you for your replies though xxxx