Would you like to be a member of our research panel? Join here - there's (nearly) always a great incentive offered for your views.
41 years old Just found out I'm pregnant and husband wants to terminate, what do I do?(54 Posts)
I found out New Year's Day that I'm pregnant. Whereas I felt initially shocked, as I'm older and I've got PCOS, what has come as the biggest shock is my hubby. He doesn't have any children & we have been married 7 and half years. At first he didn't want any kids and I accepted that no problem, but on my birthday last spring, he said he'd love us to have one. Well now I'm pregnant ( 9 months of trying) he said he doesn't want one now and only said it at the time because he thought it would make us stronger ( we'd had a rough patch) and he didn't think it would happen! He's adamant he wants me to terminate, says he doesn't want to share me, that we're so happy a baby would ruin things. He also said looking at the stats he knows the chances of foetal abnormalities are higher with my age & pregnancy can be high risk for me, things he doesn't want to risk. To top it all he booked and paid for a holiday for the 2 of us and my 2 daughters (19 & 13 ) to the States in August right when baby is due! This was before we found out about the baby and he's said we can't afford to lose that money. We are ok financially at the moment..but a baby will certainly make things less comfortable... Life has been good and I love him so much, I can't force him to have a baby he doesn't want & he's said he'd resent me for, but the thought of termination is making me so upset. Do I have the baby and risk ruining my relationship with my husband & my 2 girls who will be mortified, especially when it ruins there holiday in the summer... My mother has also said on many occasions that having children in older years is selfish as losing a parent when you are younger is very hard.. She had older parents... Or do I terminate this little thing that is the victim in all this? I'm so upset and not sure what to do.. Any kind words or advice would be appreciated. 😔
Gosh, that's a toughie - poor you. I'd be musing the following:
1) To DH - 'I would never have tried to get pregnant if I thought this would happen; it's very cruel of you to play chicken with a life in order to patch over our relationship.'
2) To continue may mean losing DH - am I prepared to do this?
3) Could I offer compromise by agreeing to amniocentesis regardless?
4) It's possible once he sees baby that he'll love it and change his mind completely.
5) I may lose DH anyway - how would I feel if that happened having terminated for him?
6) What do my other daughters think?
7) Could they have the holiday with someone else, if it's that important to them?
On the last points, I would call the travel company yourself to just make sure you can't get a refund; they would be preventing you from flying most likely, so it seems unfair. I have also aborted in the past; I didn't make a mistake so doing, considering the circumstances, but even so, the guilt and sadness stayed with me for AGES. To abort when you are pretty keen must risk it being very hard to deal with.
I haven't read all but just wanted to say ignore any personal comments from pro-life types if you've had them. Only you can choose and it's very clear that things aren't black and white. Practicality does have a place in these choices. Best wishes.
He sounds rather a weak man. Certainly flakey; I wouldn't make such an important decision based on him.
Thoughts with you very hard place to be.
Termination an option if that is really what you want. BPAS will have time
alone with you, without DH, tools sure any choice you make is yours alone.
Have not been in your situation with DH-he'd keep going on kids!! But I am also an older mum with pre and teen girls and two baby boys born when I was 43 and 44 (45 now). It's hard work but the babies have enriched then lives of their big sisters-who were horrified at first-and the teen said then other day having baby brothers the best thing that ever happened to her.
Talking to someone important-did you know you can book session at relate without DH-just for you to talk? Also consider booking in with midwife in case you go ahead with pregnancy and want to talk about all available tests.
Hope things get easier
I had an abortion some time ago.......I still think about it now and the guilt is horrendous. I know that, for me, the decision was right at the time and no one forced any decision on me.
I found out I was pregnant in November last year. My baby is 12 months. We have no family nearby so baby is in nursery. We thought we couldn't afford 2 sets of childcare, felt guilty that my baby wouldn't get the attention he currently has. We would need abigger house, which would invariably come with a bigger mortgage. We decided to terminate. We went to bpas and I was booked in on 28/12 for medical abortion. The days between that appointment and the date dragged.....and I questioned the decision everyday. I said to me partner I didnt want to do it. He said whatever my decision he would support. I am currently 8 weeks and 4 days pregnant.
As soon as the decision was made not to go through a massive weight was lifted. Financially I'm not seven sure how were going to cope....but we will.
I knew I wouldn't forgive myself. I struggle with my decision the first time around.
I hope that whatever decision you make it's for you and not your partner. Abortion is a difficult thing to go through when your partner is supportive.
If you take away all the issues, what do you want?
Please do not be manipulated into something that you do not want.
I hope that everything works out for you x
I think you've had great advice so won't repeat it, but I just wanted to say please don't automatically assume that because you're 40 your going to be a high risk pregnancy. I was 40.5 when I conceived and I've just received my Nt results through the post today. I have a 1 in 1836 chance of having a baby with Down's... that's about the same as a woman half my age. Everyone is different, you can't generalise - if you want this baby, then the decision is yours to make. Please don't be bamboozled by other people's faulty reasoning.
I accidentally got pg at 42 with my second child. My now exp was not happy at all. His other daughter was almost 30 when my Dd was born and he was 49.
Ex said that I shouldn't keep the pregnancy and although I had always always been anti abortion, I spent a dreadful weekend considering it and talking with other people about it and in the end, I decided to keep going with the pregnancy; he told me to 'kill his half' and that he would not change his lifestyle for the baby...he certainly hasn't, but he has said on several occasions that she is the best thing that has ever happened to him. He isn't though, very supportive and he doesn't see her (he works abroad) or phone her. She is just 6 years old now.
I knew that if I did terminate, that I would hate myself and resent him. Do you not think you would resent your husband too if you did as he wants? consider your feelings first, because long after anyone else may have left your life, you are left with you.
My Dd is very healthy and I love her so much and can't imagine life without her; her father? took me a long time to get over him, but I can live without him.
So you were deliberately trying for 9 months at his instigation and now you're pregnant he's trying to push you into terminating? I am stunned. I hope that it's just shock. Regardless, you need to look at what you want to do.
Do you want to be with someone who acts like this; who is capable of this? Whatever you choose to do, could you look at him the same way?
I'm not trying to pile on more stresses when you have quite enough, just trying to point out that you have to make a decision based on how you would feel afterwards. You say you've had a rough patch and this was what brought on his idea to have a child together, having previously said he didn't want DC. I think you have issues here. One is the pregnancy and what you decide to do. The other is the relationship. There is no guarantee that he will be there for you even if you end the pregnancy as he wants you to, or that things could go back to how they were before you started TTC. Don't be pushed into making a decision based on a relationship that may not be there in 6 months and a holiday that he may have booked.
Abortion might be exactly the right thing for you, but that's a choice for you to make.
I am so sorry you're in this difficult situation.
Do what your heart & gut tell you. Don't terminate to keep him happy/stay together/whatever because if you terminate against what you really want to do, it will destroy your marriage anyway.
I'm a bit confused as to why you were (both) still trying if he'd already decided it wasn't any longer what he wanted, but you were and he's being a complete wanker to tell you that 'you will have to terminate' If he's said that to me I'd have told him to pack his bags and fuck right off.
You can probably claim on your travel insurance (not that it is the most important thing here, but still).
I think you need to make your decision as someone else said as if he had already left, as it is possible your relationship is already over either way. He might leave if you have the baby and if you terminate to please him it might well be over because of the guilt/regret/pressures involved in that.
Your dd's will get over loosing the holiday if it isnt covered by insurance, there might be some initial complaints but I'm sure long term it won't be an issue.
Lucky, Fellatio, Whitecloud and Tinsel
Thank you SO much for your posts... I don't quite know how to respond as I'm so tearful, other than to say that reading them helps a lot.
I did initially think my OH was being a real heartless pig, but I think he is really scared too deep down.
Counselling and talking/ time is probably the best start for now... One thing is for sure it's turning out to be the hardest decision I've ever had to make & I thought it'd be the last thing I'd be doing this year!
Well then you know what we all think of him, don't you?
Fellationelson, he was definite when he said it. I even asked him several times if he was 100% sure and that he mustn't be saying it if he didn't mean it. TBH i was a little unsure at first, but i thought things through and agreed wholeheartedly... You know for the first few months of trying he was even looking at things on the Internet, bought us prenatal folic acid etc... But he said over the last couple of months he'd changed his mind,that because we were so happy a baby wasn't what he wanted anymore, he said he was even going to say to me if it hadn't happened by my birthday in the spring we should give up! But during all this time we were still actively trying which is probably why this has come as such a shock!
I also meant to say your daughters won't resent you for having to change their holiday. And if you decide to have the baby bet they'll make fab babysitters. My other dec are only 6 and 7 but are brilliant with my dd. they love her and want me to have another one.
I don't know if you've already been to counselling, but I was in a similar situation 18 months ago. We weren't trying for a baby though. I was on strong antidepressants following a serious depressive episode. My dh freaked and told me in not so many words he wanted me to terminate the pregnancy. I booked a termination (with bpas) as I felt like I had no option. My appointment was on a Monday and the Friday before we went to see a therapist and it all came out that he was terrified of losing me (I had been suicidal), and he never wanted to be back there.
I never did go through with the termination. She's now snuggled on me snoring as she has a terrible cold. She is beautiful and completes our family, (I have 2 other dc).
So what I want to say is men panic. They have no way with words and blurt out whatever is stressful. I think they fear far more than us, or perhaps differently. But I was also terrified, and while I felt like the termination was absolutely the wrong thing, I couldn't say until she was born that keeping her was what I wanted. But now I completely adore her, and can't imagine life without her.
I think if I had had the abortion, our marriage would have ended. My anger towards my husband at his behaviour took a long time to heal. If I think about it now, I still feel something's unresolved. Anyhow, I don't mean to blather on about my situation. But you say on your op that you can't force him to become a father. But that became irrelevant when you started trying.
This is such a difficult situation and I really feel for you. But pls pls for the sake of your sanity and your future mental health, decide what you want to do for yourself. It is your body, your mind that will live through either experience, and you that has to take whatever comes following your decision.
What I suppose you have to consider is if your partner left tomorrow, would you want this baby. Or would you have an abortion?
There is no right or wrong only your choice, but as everyone above has said, it must be YOUR choice, you'll have to live with it either way. The baby/embryo is there and there is a hard decision to make that is going to involve some hurt either way.
Personally, I think you sound like you want this baby. If that's so I'd tell him you're keeping it and let him decide if he wants to stay and be supportive, or leave.
The holiday could be reorganised, your insurance should cover you. As mentioned above, maybe go before summer, or let them go with an aunt/uncle. I think (hope) you're doing them a huge disservice by thinking try would choose a holiday over a happy mum and new sibling.
What a dreadful way to start the new year. I hope the counselling helps you both but I suspect it'll just clarify to you at you really couldn't abort.
Age wise, frankly that's ridiculous. Far, far more 40odd year old women have healthy babies than babies with problems. Yes there are risks, but you could always have an amnio if you're worried and make your choice then.
Good luck to you and your girls. Follow your heart.
Mimi - I was 41 when my dd was born 17 years ago. She is the joy of my life and I wouldn't be without her. She is happy, normal and healthy. Don't let age put you off - OK, so the risk is higher, but plenty of us have had perfectly healthy babies at 41. Have a Littlefaith is right - anything can happen to young people as well as older ones. If you have good health... - also, you may decide to abort if there is anything wrong and you do have that option.
Think your dh must be reacting from fear and shock, too. My dh was keener than me (I was convinced I was too old!) but I remember him going white with shock when the test was positive! There's a good chance he will come round and, if not, you don't want on your conscience that you had an abortion when you really didn't want to.
Sure, it's a lot more tiring at 41 and gps are a lot older, so you might get less help. My Mum died in 2008 and I long for her to see and know dd now she is going out into the adult world, but it's something you have to accept. You know joys and difficulties of motherhood, already. I think your dds will be thrilled. Some things are more important that holidays or money. Good luck. I hope it all works out.
Both me and my friend just have just had a baby we are 43, def sounds scared IMO holidays can be transferred, postponed but not babies
Hang on....was it just one off the cuff remark, saying 'I'd love it if we had a child' or was he complicit in actively trying to conceive for all of the nine months?
Er...he can't just say 'let's try for a baby' and then after nine months of trying, change his mind once it works.
I think he's just being a rabbit in the headlights. However, as you already do have children and he clearly says he's not bothered, you do what YOU want to do, either way. You tried for that baby, you wanted that baby, so it seems a shame to terminate, but in the end if he not going to be supportive and it ruins your marriage then you would not be unreasonable to think seriously about whether its a great idea to continue. It just depends whether you are prepared to do it all again - but alone. Either way, he's being an arse. You do what you want, and he will just have to suck it up if you keep the baby. If he doesn't come round and see sense (and I suspect he probably will) then you are well shot of him.
Don't terminate a PG you wanted just to keep him though. Not under these circumstances.
Baby trumps holiday. Your dds will completely understand.
Your H is a moron. I can't think of a better word. I think you are a saint for going to counseling with him. A baby is more important than his feeble protestations and changes of mind.
Do what YOU want. I suspect if you terminate you will never forgive him and your relationship with crash and burn within a year.
Do what you want to do. Do what you need to do. A child will grow up with you and be there for life. It sounds like your H may not be around for long TBH.
Sorry - a horrible situation.
I think your husband is just feeling a bit petrified. It sounds like you have a good balanced family life and he is probably worried about how everything is going to change and he can't control that. Having a baby is scary at any age. He is probably lashing out in fear. Yes, he was wrong to say what he did but it could just be panic talking. Hopefully, the counselling will help. I am sure your daughters would be over the moon to know they could be getting a little baby brother or sister. I am sure a holiday would pale into insignificance. Maybe just do something else earlier, instead? I don't think the age comes into it. You are still a good age. I will be 47 this month and have not given up hope. I am sure your husband will come round. Good luck. xx
What a fucking idiot agreeing to try for a baby when he didn't want one! A lot of his reasons are incredibly flimsy such as losing the money for a holiday . . . does that really compare with what he's asking you to do?! Idiot. Personally i would get rid of him.
Do what you want, not what he wants. If you go ahead with a termination you might find yourself left with an arse of a husband who you resent, and a overwhelming feeling of loss and regret for what might have been. (I've been in that place).
Fwiw, I had my second at 40. All was and still is good.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.