Would you like to be on Mumsnet's research panel? We're especially keen for parents-to-be and new parents to join. You can sign up here - there's (nearly) always a great incentive on offer for your views.

41 years old Just found out I'm pregnant and husband wants to terminate, what do I do?

(54 Posts)
MimiCooper Thu 03-Jan-13 11:14:50

I found out New Year's Day that I'm pregnant. Whereas I felt initially shocked, as I'm older and I've got PCOS, what has come as the biggest shock is my hubby. He doesn't have any children & we have been married 7 and half years. At first he didn't want any kids and I accepted that no problem, but on my birthday last spring, he said he'd love us to have one. Well now I'm pregnant ( 9 months of trying) he said he doesn't want one now and only said it at the time because he thought it would make us stronger ( we'd had a rough patch) and he didn't think it would happen! He's adamant he wants me to terminate, says he doesn't want to share me, that we're so happy a baby would ruin things. He also said looking at the stats he knows the chances of foetal abnormalities are higher with my age & pregnancy can be high risk for me, things he doesn't want to risk. To top it all he booked and paid for a holiday for the 2 of us and my 2 daughters (19 & 13 ) to the States in August right when baby is due! This was before we found out about the baby and he's said we can't afford to lose that money. We are ok financially at the moment..but a baby will certainly make things less comfortable... Life has been good and I love him so much, I can't force him to have a baby he doesn't want & he's said he'd resent me for, but the thought of termination is making me so upset. Do I have the baby and risk ruining my relationship with my husband & my 2 girls who will be mortified, especially when it ruins there holiday in the summer... My mother has also said on many occasions that having children in older years is selfish as losing a parent when you are younger is very hard.. She had older parents... Or do I terminate this little thing that is the victim in all this? I'm so upset and not sure what to do.. Any kind words or advice would be appreciated. 😔

Airfryer Sat 05-Jan-13 07:57:14

I had an abortion some time ago.......I still think about it now and the guilt is horrendous. I know that, for me, the decision was right at the time and no one forced any decision on me.

I found out I was pregnant in November last year. My baby is 12 months. We have no family nearby so baby is in nursery. We thought we couldn't afford 2 sets of childcare, felt guilty that my baby wouldn't get the attention he currently has. We would need abigger house, which would invariably come with a bigger mortgage. We decided to terminate. We went to bpas and I was booked in on 28/12 for medical abortion. The days between that appointment and the date dragged.....and I questioned the decision everyday. I said to me partner I didnt want to do it. He said whatever my decision he would support. I am currently 8 weeks and 4 days pregnant.

As soon as the decision was made not to go through a massive weight was lifted. Financially I'm not seven sure how were going to cope....but we will.

I knew I wouldn't forgive myself. I struggle with my decision the first time around.

I hope that whatever decision you make it's for you and not your partner. Abortion is a difficult thing to go through when your partner is supportive.

charitymum Sat 05-Jan-13 08:09:26

Mimi

Thoughts with you very hard place to be.

Termination an option if that is really what you want. BPAS will have time
alone with you, without DH, tools sure any choice you make is yours alone.

Have not been in your situation with DH-he'd keep going on kids!! But I am also an older mum with pre and teen girls and two baby boys born when I was 43 and 44 (45 now). It's hard work but the babies have enriched then lives of their big sisters-who were horrified at first-and the teen said then other day having baby brothers the best thing that ever happened to her.

Talking to someone important-did you know you can book session at relate without DH-just for you to talk? Also consider booking in with midwife in case you go ahead with pregnancy and want to talk about all available tests.

Hope things get easier

He sounds rather a weak man. Certainly flakey; I wouldn't make such an important decision based on him.

EugenesAxe Sat 05-Jan-13 08:34:07

Gosh, that's a toughie - poor you. I'd be musing the following:

1) To DH - 'I would never have tried to get pregnant if I thought this would happen; it's very cruel of you to play chicken with a life in order to patch over our relationship.'
2) To continue may mean losing DH - am I prepared to do this?
3) Could I offer compromise by agreeing to amniocentesis regardless?
4) It's possible once he sees baby that he'll love it and change his mind completely.
5) I may lose DH anyway - how would I feel if that happened having terminated for him?
6) What do my other daughters think?
7) Could they have the holiday with someone else, if it's that important to them?

On the last points, I would call the travel company yourself to just make sure you can't get a refund; they would be preventing you from flying most likely, so it seems unfair. I have also aborted in the past; I didn't make a mistake so doing, considering the circumstances, but even so, the guilt and sadness stayed with me for AGES. To abort when you are pretty keen must risk it being very hard to deal with.

I haven't read all but just wanted to say ignore any personal comments from pro-life types if you've had them. Only you can choose and it's very clear that things aren't black and white. Practicality does have a place in these choices. Best wishes.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now