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dp dislikes pregnancy.... normal? or not...

(80 Posts)
InTheNightGarden Mon 31-Dec-12 09:42:59

All he "said" he wanted was a son, now I'm 33weeks pregnant with a boy (yay) but dp hasn't come near me the wholeeee pregnancy, won't feel baby kicking, won't come in the bathroom if I'm in there (sounds stupid but he always use to sit and chat to me if I was in the bath, shower), barely mentions anything to do with the pregnancy or this son he so called always wanted and looks at me oddly sad

Finally cracked last night and asked him what the hell was going on and I got back:

1. He hates that theres something living inside me and how do I do it!
2. I look weird ( meaning the bump... but I actually have a really small bump and people have only started noticing in the last 2 weeks)
3. He doesn't want to feel baby move as he doesn't like it.

I joked around saying maybe he should of left me for the 9 months then come back thinking he'd disagree... but he agreed :-/ .... sad he said most men would feel like this and anyone that enjoyed feeling the baby kicking was lying sad

I'm stupidly insecure anyway and now I feel a million times worse, I almost feel ashamed to be pregnant now and that I should hide my bump the best I can, I would do that but it's only going to get bigger!! Feel like total crap sad feel embarrassed to give birth with him there now too.

Is this normal for men? :-/

pinksquidge Tue 01-Jan-13 20:39:13

OP

he actually said * I havnt had a fat girlfriend before* ????

shock

I AM SO SAD AND ANGRY FOR YOU FOR THIS COMMENT angry

seriously!! what an insenstive, thoughtless, immature wanker

i notice you say you havent told your MW about his attitude? I think you need to.

(btw have already posted on this thread but have NC and cba to nc back)

AuntieMaggie Tue 01-Jan-13 20:40:14

I know two women who feel like this one who has decided not to have children because of it and another who has struggled to get a doctor to take her seriously as she wants children

InTheNightGarden Tue 01-Jan-13 20:41:32

Yes this baby was planned believe it or not! Reading this you wouldn't have thought so sad

I havnt even thought of maybe he now regrets it... again I hope not! I will ask though, when the times right.

pinksquidge Tue 01-Jan-13 20:45:56

so are you going to tell your MW about this OP? and how bad its making you feel? have you told your mum / friends? what do they think?

i would also maybe post this in relationships.

oh my god if you were my DD / sister / best friend i would be fuming with this twat your dp

InTheNightGarden Tue 01-Jan-13 20:48:09

pinksquidge he is all the things you just said for that comment... especially knowing how I feel about my own changing body atm, I've made that pretty clear, but he seems to think it's a joke...I would usually take it as a joke but not how I already feel atm.

Tinselandchocolates Tue 01-Jan-13 20:49:47

I think you should sit him down for an honest "this is how you're making me feel, can you sort it out or leave" type chat. If he understands he's making you feel insecure and ashamed of your bump and doesn't care then he's a total arse. Tell him what you think is unacceptable behaviour. You shouldn't need to but obv you do.
And maybe when you're at the mw or even around friends and family, maybe you should be a bit more honest. If he's blagging about names etc just say, that's funny, because you've refused to discuss it with me yet.... Stop covering for him and make him face the music.

InTheNightGarden Tue 01-Jan-13 20:51:44

I can't tell mw as he comes to all my appointments :-/ ... I havnt told my dm about his hurtful comments as I want them to get on and my friends already don't like him so it would add more fuel to the fire, if you know what I mean, I'm meeting up with my best friend tomoz and we chat about everything so this will get spoken about then... but I already know the response I'll get from her!

Tinselandchocolates Tue 01-Jan-13 20:57:09

Always says quite a lot if your friends don't like your boyfriend.
I'd still tell your mw. Warn your boyfriend what you're going to say (roughly) and then just talk. Or tell him your next appt is women only (there are some he can't go to) and go alone. Weird really that he's going to all he appointments if he hates it all so much.

Mayanbob Tue 01-Jan-13 21:02:29

Hi, I hope things improve inTheNightGarden I really do. Have spent a while deciding whether to post or not. I am not at all saying that what I'm going to say next is the case, but have decided I do need to say it.

Picking up from what Amberleaf has said, I work with both victims and perpetrators of domestic abuse, and pregnancy/ after birth is one of the riskiest times. No matter how much a partner is looking forward to a child, when it actually becomes a reality that can bring some mixed emotions. From the moment a woman gets her BFP, that becomes her priority, that baby comes first. Before pregnancy your number one is your partner but that is taken away when you conceive. Some partners can love children and be brilliant in front of the world, but behind closed doors become something very different. I am not saying that is the case here but please please make sure you keep an eye out and tell your midwife and make sure you have plenty of support from not only your family but people not connected to him. Arrange to attend an appointment on your own and keep talking on here.

Sorry if over the mark and for epic post. Best Wishes xxx

doublecakeplease Tue 01-Jan-13 21:07:59

I vote for telling mw anyway. Don't cover up his behaviour - you have nothing to be ashamed of. I did this after months of lying to mutual friends (we met in a very sociable work place so lots of mutual friends) about DP being excited.

Friends would say 'i bet MrDouble is so excited' 'i bet MrDouble is looking after you' etc. At first i would say 'he can't wait' etc but realised he was being a prick so started being honest and saying 'i don't know whether he's excited, he never talks about the baby. No, he's not looking after me at all' friends were amazed as his behaviour was so out of character but i refused to cover it up.

Letting your mw think everything is ok is normalising his behaviour. Ask mw infront of him if his behaviour is normal or common.

It seems totally at odds that he wpuld come to every MW appointment yet feel like he seems to. This may be totally off track, but what is he like with other stuff you do, do you have your own hobbies or interests or regular time out with friends?

I know of hardly anyone whos body went back to how it was before the were pg, so he really needs to get his head sorted re: calling you fat or talking about how your body has changed.

InTheNightGarden Tue 01-Jan-13 22:06:46

mayenbob have totally taken on board what you've said and believe me I wouldn't stand for much more than I am already. For me, emotional abuse out ways anything physical, if it were to turn into anything like that I'd be on it straight away.

There's a lot on here that I'd like to bring up with him as I havnt even considered a lot of it however he's not at home tonight! He's staying at his lovely pregnant sisters house! ( to be fair, so I don't have to get up early in the morn and take him to work)

I won't lie to him and say he can't come to mw appointments, I'll tell him straight that I will speak to her. It's not fair him making everything seem rosy on the outside but it actually being a different story at home :-/

Although he has come to every mw appointment and consultant appointment (had a few problems with possible prem birth) he did say last night that he felt the appointments were a waste of time as all they're doing now is checking I've not dilated and listening to his heart beat, I told him if thats how he felt he didn't Jane to come to every one, so will be interesting to see if attends the next appointment with me!

InTheNightGarden Tue 01-Jan-13 22:09:11

* Jane? Ment have! Typooo!

katiecubs Wed 02-Jan-13 09:43:17

Sorry you are having to go through this OP. I think your partner may need some professional advice to help him deal with the issues he has.

Why don't your friends like him though? This is worrying in itself.

strumpetpumpkin Wed 02-Jan-13 10:03:23

its as normal as any irrational phobia/dislike.
yknow like being emetophobic or being grossed out by other things. it sounds horrid for you though
i dont have any advice, id find it very hard to get past

I agree with Strumpetpumpkin, when my friends have been pregnant and said 'oo, the baby is moving, come feel' I've always said no, because quite frankly, it grosses me out.

It's a bit different I guess, it's not my baby, but I imagine if i ever decide to have a baby, it will still gross me out. Not everyone likes pregnancy. But he should still be supporting you, and not saying such nasty things.

CailinDana Wed 02-Jan-13 10:29:48

Why don't your friends like him?

InTheNightGarden Wed 02-Jan-13 11:10:45

I understand what your saying about being phoebic about it but I suppose if i put myself in his shoes I'd still never make someone feel how he makes me feel about it...if that makes sense... especially as there's nothing I can do about it for another 7 weeks!

I'm young myself (21) and the majority of my friends are around the same age, none of them have relationships as such, they do sleep around and go out partying pretty much every weekend without fail... this isn't and has never been my style, didn't have the easiest of up bringings and filled in for my mother when my younger sibling was born, so I guess I grew up quickly tbh. My friends don't like him as he's older (although I dont feel 5 years is much at all) and wanted a family, also he speaks his mind about their behaviour to them and that never goes down well!

Natara Wed 02-Jan-13 11:47:09

I just wanted to take a moment to say I'm really sorry you found yourself in that position. Pregnancy is weird enough with all the changes going on in your body, I don't know if I'd cope if my DH wasn't there telling me I was ok! Part of me feels really sorry for him too? He must be struggling with his emotions? Unless he's incredibly insensitive! But part of me wants to give him a little clip around the ear and tell him to buck up! No matter how he's feeling, he should be supporting you as you go through this pregnancy! To say he contemplated leaving is horrible. And just for the record, hubby loves baby moving (he thinks it's miraculous)

treesindoors Wed 02-Jan-13 20:48:53

About your friends: Go on a bit more about how he 'speaks his mind about their behaviour'. It's just that, in some cases, that could be an abuser trying to distance you from your friends. Not that that's necessarily what's going on here at all.

You also haven't answered my question upthread This may be totally off track, but what is he like with other stuff you do, do you have your own hobbies or interests or regular time out with friends?

TwitchyTail Wed 02-Jan-13 22:47:37

He can't help how he feels but he can jolly well help how he acts and what he says. He is being very selfish.

I'm shocked by his comments. A parallel would be a man whose wife was having chemotherapy telling her he was grossed out by her and had never had a bald girlfriend before.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Wed 02-Jan-13 23:39:17

"this is strange, I havnt had a fat girlfriend before"

Eugh... is that how he speaks to you?

Natara Thu 03-Jan-13 09:45:27

Have you thought about showing him what we've said?? Or maybe writing down some of the comments and telling him straight what is actually expected by 99% of us? In your first post you mentioned that he said "any man who says he likes it is lying"... Sounds like he's pretty confident that his behaviour is "normal" in the situation??! Perhaps if he realised that although we all understand/accept his feelings, we almost unanimously find his behaviour/comments unacceptable he may realise he has to buck up??? How horrible for you. If my hubby even mentioned the F word I'd probably die. As it is, I occasionally (in a moment of weakness) ask him "do I look fat in this?" to which he kindly and gently replies "no honey, you look pregnant and you look beautiful" prrrrr. If he answered honestly and said yes... I'd probably simultaneously burst into tears and smack him!

InTheNightGarden Thu 03-Jan-13 11:14:54

Sorry goldplated - we do most things together but it's never a problem if I want to go out with friends for the day, he can get funny if I go out with them for an evening because of their behaviour and seems to think i can be easily persuaded by friends... which I don't feel I am. This came up as we had a "girls only" night to cardiff for my 21st, which was totally s**t anyway! I don't really have any hobbies tbh and he pretends to be interested in my interests.

sleighbells no not usually, he's quite a fitness freak so would tell me if I was out of shape abit, I just assumed being pregnant that was an excuse to be out of shape :-/ I havnt put weight on anywhere else really, just a lil bit on my face, and obves the bump!!

natara I have written a lot of this down in a massive essay on my phone that I havnt managed to click the send button of yet! I doubt I'll show him this convo unless he asks to see it, he doesn't like mumsnet very much Haha! (I think because I go through spells of being on here a lot to not at all for ages) smile

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