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dp dislikes pregnancy.... normal? or not...

(80 Posts)
InTheNightGarden Mon 31-Dec-12 09:42:59

All he "said" he wanted was a son, now I'm 33weeks pregnant with a boy (yay) but dp hasn't come near me the wholeeee pregnancy, won't feel baby kicking, won't come in the bathroom if I'm in there (sounds stupid but he always use to sit and chat to me if I was in the bath, shower), barely mentions anything to do with the pregnancy or this son he so called always wanted and looks at me oddly sad

Finally cracked last night and asked him what the hell was going on and I got back:

1. He hates that theres something living inside me and how do I do it!
2. I look weird ( meaning the bump... but I actually have a really small bump and people have only started noticing in the last 2 weeks)
3. He doesn't want to feel baby move as he doesn't like it.

I joked around saying maybe he should of left me for the 9 months then come back thinking he'd disagree... but he agreed :-/ .... sad he said most men would feel like this and anyone that enjoyed feeling the baby kicking was lying sad

I'm stupidly insecure anyway and now I feel a million times worse, I almost feel ashamed to be pregnant now and that I should hide my bump the best I can, I would do that but it's only going to get bigger!! Feel like total crap sad feel embarrassed to give birth with him there now too.

Is this normal for men? :-/

InTheNightGarden Tue 01-Jan-13 11:17:41

Thank you so much for all the responses and advice,

To answer as many questions as possible... he's 26, so I stupidly assumed immaturity was out the window by now but obviously not! Tbh he's always been good around the house so there's not Much extra he could do to help around the house. I have spoke to him about the birth, I said I would freak out if he were to freak out therefore if he thought he wouldnt be much help I'd need a family member for support instead... he's really not happy about this and seems to want to be there... but his words are usually worthless when it comes down to it so although he has said this I'm pretty sure he won't be supportive and I've asked my dm to come with me....other than that he won't talk about it. He has a lot of friends with young children but he's not very open with them so I doubt he would of spoken to them about anything! We went to his parents house last night and they asked him lots of questions about the pregnancy, baby names etc... and he "acted" like he was really into it and loving it.... truth is we havnt even discussed names!!! :-/

AmberLeaf Tue 01-Jan-13 11:27:12

I think some of the responses here are really sad and depressing, not at all representative of men on the whole.

CailinDana Tue 01-Jan-13 11:28:25

Have you tried discussing names with him? What was his response?

InTheNightGarden Tue 01-Jan-13 11:50:09

amberleaf you say he sounds jealous, what of though :-/ ?

InTheNightGarden Tue 01-Jan-13 11:53:33

Yes I've suggested a few names and all I get is a grunt and "well youll end up choosing it anyway" ... which isn't the case, he has only 1 name he likes which he told me about a year and a half ago but it's absolutely awful! His only name choice is "tyson" ... I hate it! But that convo happened long before I was ever even pregnant.

CailinDana Tue 01-Jan-13 11:55:21

Some men get jealous of the baby, if you can believe it. They feel hard done by that you're no longer "theirs" and that you've changed are about to become a mother. That sort of jealousy is really dangerous - it tends to get a lot worse when the baby arrives and can turn nasty. That's not to say that's what's happening with your DP - but I think it might be time to sit him down and have a serious chat about him sorting his head out.

AmberLeaf Tue 01-Jan-13 12:04:42

Jealous of the shift in 'ownership' of your body, from his to the babies.

That may or may not be the case with your DP.

As CailinDana says it is really dangerous.

brandnewbubble Tue 01-Jan-13 12:19:53

Sorry, but your DP sounds like an arse, and I think it goes way deeper than being a bit wierded out about the physical aspects of pregnancy (that IS perfectly normal). He's withdrawing from you, undermining your confidence in yourself at a time when you need most support, and has more or less told you he finds you physically repugnant.

Everything CailinDana said is true. And in your case I'd be hyperaware of his behaviour.

It is not normal for most men. Most men are not hopeless arses.

I hope you've got lots of support from others?? And yes, get your DM lined up for the birth!!

Jsa1980 Tue 01-Jan-13 14:56:13

Could he just be really scared and worried something is going to happen to you or the baby and therefore is trying (and succeeding) in distancing himself from you both?

Hormonalhell Tue 01-Jan-13 16:12:18

My DP is like this but the baby is not his (met him when I was 5 months pg) so I just put it down to this, although he is a little squeamish too

Ficidy Tue 01-Jan-13 17:30:18

26 is actually very young for a man to become a father for the first time, so yes, it could still be a case of immaturity.

To be honest, I wouldn't be impressed with his behaviour at all. Tell him to grow up. It took two of you to make this baby and now you both need to be responsible for him. You need to sit down with him and talk to him properly about this.

It could be but dont let his age become a excuse for his behaviour. My dh was 26 when our dd was born and has been spot on through the pg and since. Better than a LOT of what I read of other dads on here of all ages.

BacardiNCoke Tue 01-Jan-13 18:03:48

If he's 26 then he really does just need to grow up and realise that you need support it's not all about him! Age has nothing to do with it, DH was 17 when his ex got pregnant with DSD. He was nothing but supportive and loving. As well as being supportive and loving through my pregnancies as well. This would be a massive red flag for me.

angeltattoo Tue 01-Jan-13 18:47:18

Sorry, i disagree with and am surprised by some of the responses.

I think his behaviour is really unusual and not at all normal.

My DH makes me feel fantastic, cannot do enough to help, loves me and the bump, talks to the baby, cannot wait to meet his daughter...regardless of how squeamish etc someone is, This is the reaction I would expect from any mature expectant father.

...sorry OP, but given that he is different with his sister, this sounds personal, and he doesn't sound happy about you being pregnant. As others have said, there could be many reasons. Start of abusive behaviour? In denial? You know him best. But he shouldn't be making you feel the way he has, it is so, so wrong.

Perhaps posting in relationships too may help?

doublecakeplease Tue 01-Jan-13 18:57:07

I'm with you Angel, not normal and so very, very hurtful. Not sure what she can actually do though??

ChristmasKnackers Tue 01-Jan-13 19:01:00

I disagree angeltattoo. Just because your partner does it, doesn't make it normal. My husband got freaked out when the baby kicked. Also one of my best friends did, she says its just gross to think of something growing inside you!

People get squeamish with all kinds of rational and irrational things. Looking at some of these responses, it's certainly doesn't seem unusual.

angeltattoo Tue 01-Jan-13 19:02:20

I know, I don't have much useful advice, which is why I thought the relationship board might help?

How did you respond to what he said OP? Can you talk to him about it further?

thanks

doublecakeplease Tue 01-Jan-13 19:07:36

Christmas - squeamish and hurtful are different though. What if she is squeamish too? Unfortunately op has to deal with it - he should too. I wish i had maybe spoken to DP's brother or my midwife when DP was uncaring when i was pg. Might have made a difference if someone independent was involved. Is that an option op?

ChristmasKnackers Tue 01-Jan-13 19:24:56

Yes, sorry you are right. Hurtful is very different.

InTheNightGarden Tue 01-Jan-13 20:25:43

Thanks for more responses, really appreciate everyone's input smile

I don't think it's too much to do with any squeamish issue, he won't watch things like embarrassing bodies but other than that he's not particularly squeamish, I think what's effecting me more is his attitude towards me and my body, he went to hug me this afternoon and said "this is strange, I havnt had a fat girlfriend before" ... thats pretty much done it for me today, I did snap and explained its NOT fat its OUR child. We havnt really spoken since... tbh if I knew he was going to act like this I wouldn't have planned a pregnancy with him. I think his issue is with me being pregnant, not necessarily pregnancy as a whole.... which hurts even more actually. I do have support with family, I've spoken to dm about this today and she thinks he just may not be attracted to me while pregnant and see how things go after the birth of this baby, he is really good with our friends young children and babies.

I havnt mentioned this to my mw no, only because he comes to all my appointments and makes out all is dandy... I think she'd be shocked! Its awkward when people ask me questions about any of it when he's there as everything they ask we havnt even spoken about :-/

I'm really REALLY hoping you guys are wrong with the jealousy theory sad

AmberLeaf Tue 01-Jan-13 20:31:30

I really hope Im wrong re jealousy too.

I honestly do.

Hopefully it is just a blip, but in the meantime, make sure you have lots of other support lined up, it is good that you have your Mum.

Good luck and best wishes OP smile

InTheNightGarden Tue 01-Jan-13 20:32:32

I should also add, looking back the majority of this has occurred since I've started showing, I had a bit of sickness at the start and he'd come straight home from work if I rang him feeling rubbish and sick and hold my hair back, he used to be interested...I think :-/

InTheNightGarden Tue 01-Jan-13 20:33:40

Thank you amberleaf! Me too!!

He sounds like a complete toddler.

He SHOULD be happy and excited.
He SHOULD give a shit about your physical and emotional wellbeing.

Was this baby planned? He seems very sullen and regretful tbh.

*tosser, not toddler! But toddler will do.

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