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dp dislikes pregnancy.... normal? or not...

(80 Posts)
InTheNightGarden Mon 31-Dec-12 09:42:59

All he "said" he wanted was a son, now I'm 33weeks pregnant with a boy (yay) but dp hasn't come near me the wholeeee pregnancy, won't feel baby kicking, won't come in the bathroom if I'm in there (sounds stupid but he always use to sit and chat to me if I was in the bath, shower), barely mentions anything to do with the pregnancy or this son he so called always wanted and looks at me oddly sad

Finally cracked last night and asked him what the hell was going on and I got back:

1. He hates that theres something living inside me and how do I do it!
2. I look weird ( meaning the bump... but I actually have a really small bump and people have only started noticing in the last 2 weeks)
3. He doesn't want to feel baby move as he doesn't like it.

I joked around saying maybe he should of left me for the 9 months then come back thinking he'd disagree... but he agreed :-/ .... sad he said most men would feel like this and anyone that enjoyed feeling the baby kicking was lying sad

I'm stupidly insecure anyway and now I feel a million times worse, I almost feel ashamed to be pregnant now and that I should hide my bump the best I can, I would do that but it's only going to get bigger!! Feel like total crap sad feel embarrassed to give birth with him there now too.

Is this normal for men? :-/

When it comes to pregnancy I'm not so sure there is a normal as such. He sounds a bit out of his depth and in denial about it. It doesn't mean he won't love the baby when he arrives. Has he always been a bit squeamish about female biological stuff? My DH loves pregnant bodies, but the kicking freaks him out. He'll touch my stomach and rub it, but when the baby kicks hard he snatches his hand away.

Have a serious discussion about the birth with him. If he really won't cope well he won't be the support you need, and you might be better off with a female relative or friend.

Be proud of your pregnant self though, what you are going through is an amazing process, and you look beautiful.

InTheNightGarden Mon 31-Dec-12 11:53:56

Hope your right about the "won't mean he wont love the baby" no he's not been squeamish about anything before :-/ ... his sister is actually pregnant also atm, further than me and a lot bigger than me yet when we see her he laughs around and asks if her babies healthy and kicking...but doesn't ask about his own baby :-/ just find it very odd sad

I will talk to him about the birth, I'll deffo need/want more support than I think he's going to be able to give sad

MoomieAndFreddie Mon 31-Dec-12 12:01:29

omg sorry but he sounds an immature dick

i say this because my exDH was like this when i was pg with DS. it was like he found me disgusting. it was awful. the relationship was on its last legs anyway tho tbh, but this, for me, was one of the final nails in the coffin.

but when i had a baby with a real man had DD with my "new" DH it was a different story, he loved the whole pregnancy, he would stroke my bump for hours, feel her kick, and talk to her blush he found me sexy, we still had loads of sex right up till a few days before i had her. in fact, i felt like he loved me and fancied me more if anything. because i was carrying our baby.

i think thats how it should be tbh. you need to have serious words with him, i don't think i could love someone who behaved like this while i was pg.

AmberLeaf Mon 31-Dec-12 12:05:10

I think some men feel this way so yes its 'normal' but it isnt usual to feel like that.

He sounds jealous.

alm12 Mon 31-Dec-12 12:07:44

I think everyone has different reactions to pregnancies when it's strangers compared to someone they're closer to... My boyfriend loves me being pregnant but my mom, brother etc all find it really weird, hate it when the baby kicks and now I'm further along of you can see the baby moving they can even go as far as leaving the room. Yet it hasnt bothered them with other people they know who have been pregnant.
You should speak to him about it though I'd hate it if my boyfriend acted like that too, maybe if you talk about the baby whenever there's movement he'll slowly get used to the idea? Definitely don't feel embarrassed, ashamed or hide your bump! Enjoy it while you're pregnant!

fraktion Mon 31-Dec-12 12:08:00

DH didn't really like the whole 'baby inside me thing' but neither did I. It didn't affect how he bonded with DS because once DS arrived it as totally different.

However he is acting a bit weird if he's treating your SIL differently.

AmberLeaf Mon 31-Dec-12 12:10:29

Oh, just seen the bit about his sister.

So it isnt about pregnancy in general, its your pregnancy.

MoomieAndFreddie Mon 31-Dec-12 12:38:41

another thing i have thought of, how old is your DP? is he quite young? i would imagine young lads (like, under 21 ish) would be "grossed out" hmm by pregnancy?

Ephiny Mon 31-Dec-12 12:41:59

I feel the same way about pregnancy tbh, it isn't just a male thing. I try to keep my feelings to myself though.

MahnaMahna Mon 31-Dec-12 12:47:05

I thought DH would love me being pregnant. All he had talked about when we were TTC was how he was going to read to my bump, and play it music and feel every kick.

Then I got pregnant. I had horrific morning sickness and couldn't get off the sofa for 3 weeks. He completely freaked out at that because he didn't know what to do. I didn't really get a bump until around 26 weeks, and when I did I had to ask him to touch it, or talk to it. Which he really didn't like doing. We rarely had sex, only doing it right near the end when we were trying to get DD to arrive.

After she was born, DH admitted to finding it all a bit wierd. He just couldn't connect with her being inside me like I could x

CalamityKate Mon 31-Dec-12 12:49:23

Is he squeamish in other areas? My DH can't watch operations on TV, feels dizzy and faint even seeing someone getting an injection and once nearly passed out when I - shock horror - took his pulse. In fact just saying " Ooh look I'm taking my pulse" is enough to give him the heebie jeebies.

Anyway this squeamishness extended to pregnancy. He couldnt bear to see or feel the baby move because it was "weird". I don't think he had a problem with the way the bump looked though (just as well as I was absolutely enormous).

doublecakeplease Mon 31-Dec-12 12:54:30

My DP didn't voice that he hated me being pg BUT he was useless, not supportive, showed no interest etc. Nearly broke us up and means that DS will be an only child because i can't face it all again with him.

When not pg he is fantastic and is a brilliant dad. This is the reason we are still together but splitting was definitely on the cards. He can't explain why he behaved the way he did - he loves me, wanted the baby desperately etc. I'll never understand and won't ever forgive him although i still love him and we're happy.

DS was prem and delivered by emcs otherwise i would not have had DP at the birth. I knew he wouldn't be able to give me the support i needed. This caused arguments pre delivery as he wanted to see his baby born. I would have stuck to my guns about it.

I'll not make excuses for him - he behaved horribly. Stress / hormones?? I don't care. He let me down. Your DP is letting you down. Wish i had some advice for you x find support elsewhere i guess x

HelenLynn Mon 31-Dec-12 13:10:49

I'm pregnant at the moment with a very obvious 26-week bump, and I've just asked DH what he thought about your partner's reaction. He grinned and said that while this business of being grossed out doesn't really affect him, he could certainly understand the point of view, because at any other time it would be "just weird" for a body to do the stuff it does when you're pregnant. He said, after a short pause for reflection, that he thinks feeling the baby kicking is "mildly gross". He's already an excellent dad to our first child and I reckon all that matters is how he is once the babies are on the outside.

I think your DP hasn't dealt with the way he feels particularly well, but I don't think there's anything wrong with the feelings as such, and at least he seems to have told you the truth about them when you asked him. I don't think it's particularly odd that he feels differently about his sister's pregnancy than about yours (after all, he has a very different relationship with your body than with anyone else's!), and I don't think it tells you anything about what kind of dad he'll be once the baby is born. To be frank, I can sympathise with where he's coming from myself; I'm not wild about pregnancy either and I can't imagine them as proper babies before they actually appear. But do think about who it would help you most to have with you during the birth, and don't waste any more energy than you can avoid feeling bad about your bump!

Swanlike Mon 31-Dec-12 13:13:20

My boyfriend loves the bump, gives me regular bump rubs and loves to feel where the baby is and the baby kicking. He likes seeing me with the bump too, which is good as it's now massive. So I don't think it's reasonable for your DP to claim that all men feel the same as him. However it is how he feels, so you need to talk to him about it and also let him know the effect of what he's said is having on you re feeling insecure and worrying about the birth and how he'll react to it.

Is he supportive of you as a pregnant woman in practical ways - does he help.more round the house, offer comfort when you are tired or had morning sickness, does he do stuff you no longer can due to pg?

Have you told him that you find it.hurtful that he shows more interest in his unborn neice or nephew than his own son?

HelenLynn Mon 31-Dec-12 13:21:39

I should add, while it's not worth a big row, agreeing with your comment about leaving for nine months is not on. You're his partner, soon to be the mother of his son, and he needs to carry on being a partner to you, no matter how your pregnancy makes him feel.

KnifetyForks Mon 31-Dec-12 16:43:30

He should be absolutely in awe of you - if you are able to do something that he can't even cope with thinking about. Being pregnant is amazing, please don't feel like you have to hide it.

If he is really struggling with it, I suppose it's best that he can be open with you about his feelings, but also he needs to understand that you're in it together and you will need support. It is a scary time for both of you; try and keep the lines of communication open so you can both talk about your hopes and fears.

I do think you need to have a proper discussion about the birth and afterwards and what your roles will be. Will you be attending ante natal classes together?

Fwiw I don't think he's behaving very nicely but to give him the benefit of the doubt, if it's because he's scared and freaked out rather than being nasty, then I think it's best to try and be loving and talk to him more about it. You need to work together. Although I'd be tempted to get upset and cross about it, that might drive you further apart than closer together.

Dogsmom Mon 31-Dec-12 16:58:28

At first I thought he was maybe a bit overwhelmed but then read that he treats his sister completely differently and now think he's being pretty out of order with you, to say you 'look weird' is thoughtless and to not enquire about his son is horrid especially as he'll ask about his nephew.

He is an adult and soon-to-be father and needs to grow up.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Mon 31-Dec-12 17:01:25

"Is he supportive of you as a pregnant woman in practical ways - does he help.more round the house, offer comfort when you are tired or had morning sickness, does he do stuff you no longer can due to pg?"

This, from GoldPlated, is key.

I identify with a lot of how your partner feels - and I've had three babies! grin

Pregnancy is kind of weird.

DH is pretty indifferent to the whole thing. Certainly no bump rubbing or talking to the bump until DD1 was big enough to find it all exciting.

But he has always looked after me really well when I'm pregnant. I never felt rejected or disgusting.

TwitchyTail Mon 31-Dec-12 18:24:52

Another vote for what GoldPlated said.

Pregnancy is weird and kind of gross. It's ok not to be wildly enthused by it. However, a caring partner would put his own feelings aside and support you in whatever way you need.

My husband loves to feel the baby kicking and admires my bump. But he is squeamish and wouldn't want to be at a natural delivery. However, if I wanted him there, he would grit his teeth and be there for me, because that's what you do for people you love.

Ivvu6 Tue 01-Jan-13 03:24:02

All men behave differently around pregnant women so I wouldn`t worry. I`m 32 weeks atm and my hubby finds my body weird and don´t wanna see me naked at all. He has even said he finds me unattractive with the bump and can`t wait to this pregnancy to be over. We haven´t had sex since my bump started to show. He does talk to the bump tho and is very helpful around the house.
I recon yours will come around too after baby is born smile x

Tinselandchocolates Tue 01-Jan-13 07:23:44

I also agree with goldplated.
It's not usual, but it's not abnormal to find the pregnant state a bit weird and unattractive. It is abnormal to say you should have left you to it for 9 months, that was an awful thing to say and does show extreme immaturity.
I'd also have a very frank chat with him about the rest of pregnancy and what he can do to make things easier for you and bond with the baby outside of having to touch it etc, like making up furniture, decorating, helping with cleaning, bringing you drinks and generally looking after you. Doesn't involve looking at you naked.
Also, I'd ask if he wants to be there for the birth and what he thinks his role is. If its not entirely to support you, then I would choose a different partner. The other thing is breastfeeding, if you're thinking about trying, because you need to know he's on board with that, you can't have someone looking disgusted every time you breast feed, it's hard enough anyway getting started.
Sorry you're going through this. Hope he can face some of his fears and be a help to you. Maybe if he has a male friend with kids he could talk to them about it? Good luck.

Mosman Tue 01-Jan-13 07:34:03

I've always said better out than in when it comes to babies.
I don't think men generally have a fecking clue when it comes to growing an entire person within you, of course it feels odd to them, but how do they think we feel.
Honestly the sooner technology moves on and we can grow bubs in an incubator and visit it at weekends the better if you ask me.
I would get somebody else to come along for the birth though in case he is useless.

CailinDana Tue 01-Jan-13 11:12:01

I think it's ok not to like pregnancy, I'm not overly keen myself (and I'm 32 weeks with No.2!) but the way your partner has dealt with it is really really immature, especially the way he agreed with you about leaving for 9 months. Saying you "look weird" is also really nasty - he may feel that way but any sane person knows that saying that will be hurtful and so it's best not to say it! He doesn't have to be over the moon about it, but at the very least he could try to be supportive - it's not like you can just decide not to look pregnant any more, is it? How is he in other ways? Is this unusual behaviour for him?

I know my DH finds it all a bit weird but he still thinks I'm attractive and is keen to touch the bump, have sex etc.

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