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Sensitive Question(20 Posts)
Thank you so much for this thread - I have been wondering how to deal with exactly the same situation. A close friend of mine and I have both been ttc for a couple of years, and now I'm 13 wks. It's made worse by the fact that I have seen her a lot recently but didn't want to tell anyone before the 12 wk scan. Even when infertility problems came up I still didn't mention anything. We had good reasons to keep quiet, but I feel dreadful for lying. It's such a delicate situation - I know she'll be pleased for me, but if I was in her shoes I'd also be really upset.
I think I'll do it by text, as I only have a work email for her and not sure I want to drop it into her working day. Am going to wait until a couple of days after new year, though, to give her time to enjoy herself and get over her hangover!
No it doesn't feel real does it and I imagine that the fear never goes, am 8 weeks tomorrow, had a scan last week and all good so far
Glad you came to a decision it's lovely to know that there are people who do think about things like this as the majority of people have no idea.
Arkady, 30 losses.. can't even put into words how awful that is
i'm still in the middle of writing that email. the words just dont seem right somehow. i too am on DC3 and so i feel very greedy indeed; and wish it could be her too. i have been very factual and said i dont want her to hear it second hand. or in front of people. i still feel horrible though.
wifey I honestly have no idea how she's managed to keep going. She seems to live her whole life around the desire to have a child, which can't be healthy - but no-one has the right to tell her to give up and move on, least of all me.
Arkady...so sorry to hear of your friends multiple losses. That must be heartbreaking.
foof..hi (waves)..all good thank you. Doesn't feel real yet..but hoping it soon will. How are you?
Thank you all for sharing with me & your advice. I have sent 3 private emails to my 3 wonderful friends. 2 have replied with such lovely responses & thanked me for telling them privately.
My 3rd friend is yet to reply, but is very hit & miss to catch her at the computer.
I feel better for telling them how I did - thanks to all your lovely advice.
A good friend is slowly coming to terms with the fact she'll likely never have a child of her own after over 30 (yes, 30) miscarriages and 4 rounds of IVF that failed (including having eggs harvested without anaesthetic - she's that desperate for a child). I was very antsy about telling her when pregnant with DD3 (particularly as I already had 2 kids and it seemed rather unfair that I was having a 3rd when she couldn't even have 1), and she told me, "You are not getting pregnant at me. It's not your fault we've had infertility problems, and you are not responsible for my reactions & feelings - I am."
When I miscarried back in September (my 3rd), she was one of the first people I told, because I knew she would completely understand. And when I fell pregnant again in October, I sent her a quiet email to let her know and put her on a small filter group on LiveJournal of the few people I'd feel comfortable with knowing if I miscarried again.
She and I don't see each other in person often, as I'm in London and she lives in Ireland, but email was a much gentler way of breaking it to her than phoning. She's delighted for me and has insisted on being on my "baby" filter on LJ, but that doesn't mean she isn't dealing with her own grief that this is an experience she will likely never have for herself.
I definitely think a quiet private email before any public announcements is much the kindest way to deal with it.
I had to have a few difficult conversations like this recently and decided the email approach was best. The way they could just react in their own way, and in their own time. They didn't have to act happy for me - I mean, I know in their way they were happy for me but also feeling lots of other emotions. I felt it didn't put pressure on them to be nice for me and react in a particular way. They could take their time, be angry, sad, cry, rant, whatever and then respond politely later.
wifey [waves] I remember you from back in April when I too went the same way
Congratulations on your pregnancy, hope you are keeping well?
I think texting/emailing etc is a great idea personally as it allowed me to come to terms with it and my feelings in my own time, I know a lot of people want to do it in person but it is very hard to not crumble in front of someone sometimes, and you don't want them to feel worse. Of course this doesn't mean that people won't be delighted for you, far from it, but sometimes feelings slap us in the face without notice and it's good to be able to deal with that in private and not stood right in front of you.
I think honesty is the best policy! I found pregnancy announcements traumatic after 2 years 8 months TTC but it was the idea of other people falling pregnant unexpectedly or easily that hurt.
When we'd had the 12 week scan, we put a photo and announcement on Facebook, explaining that it had been a difficult journey, that we'd struggled at times but were delighted to be so blessed and grateful to those who supported us. We explained we wanted to help break the taboo of infertility by being honest about our situation. I was amazed how many people told us they'd had similar difficulties themselves.
Ultimately, some people will still struggle with your pregnancy - sadly that is life. However, many people will be delighted for you and you deserve to enjoy that! Congratulations!
ooh and the timing? New Year = bad? I know she had given herself until christmas as a cut off conception wise but am due to meet up this week and my tummy wont lie much longer
i had just come on to ask a similar question - at the same stage of pg as you, having had a MC in the past i know how horrible it is having to face yet another happy pg colleague. i have afriend who has stuggled with failed IVF, happily she does have a DS but i know how much she has wanted a sibling and it hasnt happened. have been worrying for weeks about how to tell her. i thought an email before i saw her next and then she can think about things without having to pretend to be happy? is that too impersonal?
Thank you for all your advice. Really hope it doesn't seem like a stupid or insensitive question.
My DSis has had fertility problems for 6+ years so telling her was very hard as she withdrew a lot from me. But I let her & just kept texting to talk & after a few weeks we are back on track..although we don't talk about my pregnancy.
I think text/email is the way to go. Thank you all
As some one who has been TTC for 3.5 years I agree with 1978 I would much rather text, email or even seeing it on Facebook than being told in person or over the phone.
I told my relatives, we told work, and our closest friends (several at a dinner, the rest by phone). After that I left it to people to pass on by word of mouth generally. If any of the people you're worried about fall into those categories, I'd give them the chance to 'cope' in private with the news before responding to you; ie. announce via written message.
Sorry sort of x-post with 1978.
When I was ttc for a long time what I hated most of all was people being obviously scared to tell me, as if I might not be happy for them. But I did also appreciate being told by text or email so that I didn't have to compose myself in front of them of I was upset, which sometimes I was, though I never begrudged their happiness.
Wifey congratulations! Great news.
I think this is so difficult, but Twitchy gives excellent advice. My friend at work was really worried about telling me she was pregnant, so she told me before everyone else and asked me if it was alright for her to announce it the next week. I felt like she really didn't need to consult me, and I was so happy for her (and jealous, obviously!) but on reflection it was so thoughtful of her to tell me and give me a chance to compose my features!
Yes that's the approach I'm going for..as and when I see friends/colleagues etc I tell them (if i need to re:work) as I was devastated when I read all the big pregnancy announcements on FB weeks after losing our baby.
I'm still keeping things very low-key I am only telling a few people.
I think I'll email/phone my friends of which I know will find the announcement difficult so they hear it from me first.
First, congratulations on your pregnancy
If you have friends who have told you that they found the announcements hard to deal with, it's only kind to be sensitive to that.
It will always be hard if you're trying to conceive or have lost a child, but I think being told quietly and personally (be it by phone, email, or in person) is easier to deal with than seeing a big public announcement on a social networking site and everyone else's screechy happy congratulatory replies.
I didn't announce my pregnancy at all. I just told people individually as needed and as I wanted to.
I am 13+3 days pregnant with DC2. Had a MMC in April & really struggled with what seemed like constant pregnancy/birth announcements at the time.
So when announcing this pregnancy...I want to be sensitive to those I know have also suffered loss who have openly told me in the past they find these announcements hard to deal with..if it be a public FB/Twitter post or a private one. I don't know how to tell people who I know will find the announcement hard to take, as I did a few months ago.
I guess I'm asking if anyone has any advice?
One friend told me to not bother about what others think..I should just be happy. But I do worry about upsetting people as I have felt crushed myself reading/receiving pregnancy/birth news.
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