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Honestly am I being unreasonable ?(35 Posts)
Partner's brother is getting married in NZ next year. I will be 32 weeks.
Partner now decided he is almost certainly going. For 2 weeks. I cannot believe he is even considering it. I am anti this as:
- anything could happen ie baby arrive (unlikely, but why risk it?!)
- I could have complications, eg admitted to hospital, bed rest etc, and have 6 yo at home to think of, with no family nearby.
- generally I need his support and assistance.
Separately, we cannot afford this. We have made a concerted effort to become debt free (almost there!) and this will plunge us backwards. He said separately that he is worried about our finances when I am on maternity leave- being £3k less well off/in debt will not help at all.
We plan to get married late next year- if he goes, we definitely won't have the money. So him going to this wedding will delay ours by at least a year. Also I very much doubt his brother will come to ours....
Going myself is not an option- I have a child in school (it will be term time) and also I don't want to travel 30 hours when so big! That's before considering money side.
I can see this becoming a massive issue. Please tell me if I am being unreasonable. If he is being unreasonable, please help me show him this (he very much doesn't like being told what to do, so he needs to figure out for himself. Me saying I need him doesn't sink in)
I would not recommend flying that distance at 32 weeks - and although many airlines are fine with flights at 32 weeks - most would not put you on a long haul flight at 34 - doesn't matter what a gp says - they just will not let you on.
I think him going - fine, if it wasn't for the financial stuff - that you will have to delay your wedding.
How close is he to his DB - are they religious, I would tend to think he is just going for the party - and he wants to see NZ and this is a good excuse......
I understand all your reasons for being upset/worried, as I would probably be exactly the same.
But, I do think he should be able to go if he wants. HE should then be reasonable, and just go for the wedding, rather than turning it into an extended holiday.
whats the bet he is not so keen on taking DD....though I have to say the jet lag will be pretty special.
Actually TBH - being someone who has travelled longhaul with children a lot, I would not go, or expect anyone to do it - take a 6 year old for 1week.
I think the sugesstion of a shorter time - like a long weekend is a very good idea.
My DH went to Thailand for 10 days when I was about 30 weeks pregnant (with a 2 yr old at home) and it was fine - however I do have a lot of family support around and my work was flexible with me getting in 15-30 minutes late during that time. I probably wouldn't be keen to fly UK-NZ long-haul myself at 32 weeks (have done it at about 20) although I would have been fine to do so.
However, I think the main issue is the finances - if you can't afford it you just can't afford it and even though it is a siblings wedding I don't think you should go into debt to get there. In my view you also shouldn't reduce your maternity leave period to fund a holiday. I'm a kiwi and we married in NZ and accepted that many of my DH's family and friends could not attend. However, if your DH feels it is really important to him (or is being pressured to attend) could he ask his parents to pay some of the cost or loan him the money interest free until you are back at work and able to repay..?
Im 32 weeks and the thought of going to xmas parties/ new yrs, etc fills me with dread, let alone travelling to NZ!!
Id let him go alone, or hopefully come to the realisation thats its not the best idea (support wise, financially, etc).
Is a v difficult one - assuming his brother lives in NZ and coming from a position of being in an Aussie/English marriage - there is no easy answer....
I definitely wouldn't fly that far at 32 weeks - for a start you would need to find a dr there to sign you off to fly home and you would be stuck if they wouldn't. I also wouldn't let either of my children go that far without me for that long (more for my own selfish reasons than for worry that they wouldn't be ok!)
However I do think you need to let him go with reasonably good grace - the whole issue of the 2 week holiday is one I would want him to compromise on though, my starting point would be going for up to 2 weeks (if he can make the most of spending time with his family during this time it is a long way to fly for any less time) - and staying somewhere cheap - or preferably free....
Unless you have had previous complications you should be ok to cope with a 6 year old on your own at 32-34 weeks - yes it will be tiring but how nice when he gets back! Also in the worst case scenario and you were admitted to hospital a 6 year old is old enough to come with you and the midwives would have to sort her out if necessary (I'm sure if it came to that a friend or neighbour would help). If you had a previously straightforward pregnancy there is no reason to suggest that something really awful would happen at that stage and if it did he could get on a plane asap and be back the next day.
Hope you sort it out, I know how stressful it is....
I think you both need to compromise, it would be totally unfair if one or the other of you completely got your own way! I would suggest the best way to achieve that is for your dh to only go for a week and maybe ask his brother to provide accommodation for him at his place to save money! I personally would not sacrifice my own wedding and maternity leave for the sake of someone else's wedding....would they do it for you?
Hi all thanks for the responses- sorry I didn't realise there had been so many replies!
Some good suggestions and ideas. To respond:
- I will not travel that far at 32/34 weeks. I nearly had DD in Spain when travelling at 33 weeks so not going anywhere! Also this will be planned section after emergency last time, so no way want to risk being abroad having baby and not able to travel back for weeks!!
- DD is my child from previous marriage. Althoug DP had brought her up since 2, would not be appropriate for him to take her. I am also not keen on taking out of school for wedding in stepfathers family
- the wedding date was set pretty much at the time we fell pregnant. We mc twice in 2012 so nothing would have stopped us trying again.
So having considered everything I think I had come round to him going. It will affect our debt repayments but I do understand the importance of attending his brother's wedding (he is under pressure from friends who are also travelling, not family, to attend).
But I will say, based on the fact I don't want him gone for long (and there is no need to) and he wil spend less money, that I really want him to only go for a week. It is doable in a week.
Thanks all, it has really helped me to think it through and see other views
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