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Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

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Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

Pregnancy

Unplanned pregnancy and baby daddy wants me to have an abortion

28 replies

Sarahjane305610 · 08/12/2012 11:53

Hi , I have just found out I'm almost 5 week pregnant it was an unplanned pregnancy me and the baby daddy were not in a relationship we have been having casual sex on and off but this time I got pregnant I told him that I was pregnant and he told me to have an Abortion I said I would never be able to live with myself if I did that but he insists I have and abortion but on top of that he dosnt want anyone to know that he's the dad I was saying it wasn't ment to happen but what's done is done and he really does not want to become father he already has one child and she left and moved to Ireland but I said I wouldn't move but still insists I have an Abortion it's against everything I believe in I said he would have to tell his man but he says no cause he wants be to abort the baby PLEASE will someone help me I'm so stressed and angry I don't know what I'm to do I don't want to hurt him in what his decision is could someone help me ????

OP posts:

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gallicgirl · 08/12/2012 11:57

Your body, your decision.

However, don't be under any illusion that he will suddenly turn out to be a good father. Are you prepared to raise a child alone?

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 08/12/2012 11:58

The baby's father does not make this decision.

You do.

He cannot insist on anything. To put it bluntly - he has no power here. He gave his view and that is the extent of his say in this matter. Legally even!

What do YOU want?

expatinscotland · 08/12/2012 11:59

Tell him, very firmly, that you are not having an abortion, over and over again. NO, NO, NO and that if he continues harrassing you, you will end contact with him entirely.

DontmindifIdo · 08/12/2012 12:00

OK - deep breath - it's your choice, however, it sounds like he's not going to be involved. You can't force him to want to have a relationship with you, and while you can prove it's his via a DNA test once he baby is here and force him to pay CM via CSA, you can't force him to be a good, involved father. You need to not worry about hurting him, as it sounds like he's not over fussed about hurting you.

So, ignore him and what he wants. Do you want to have this baby? Can you imagine being a single mother? Do some research into what benefits you would be entitled too, if you are currently in working, what sort of maternity pay/time would you be entitled too. Do you have family who are near by and would they be prepared to help out with childcare/emotional support?

Take him out of the equation, if you abort anyway, your relationship is over, (Doesn't sound like you'd be able to forgive/move on from this) so while you should be mindful of his opinions, it's not actually his decision to make.

Sarahjane305610 · 08/12/2012 12:27

I doubt he will come round to it but I won't be getting my hopes up , I've prepared my self that I will become a single mum I won't be the first or the last mentally I couldn't cope with what physical damage it would do or look at a pregnant woman or newborn x

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Sarahjane305610 · 08/12/2012 12:34

www.mumsnet.com/Profile?nick=HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly. Thank you , I think you've worded what I've been trying to think and word myself , he has no say yes I will take into consideration his view but my body and metal state it's going to be my life and this scares me to think it but an abortion would probably result in my life been taken aswell which is sad to think. Thank you for replying with advice I appreciate it x

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noblegiraffe · 08/12/2012 12:37

If he really didn't want to become a father then he should have not been having sex (contraception?) with a woman who would not have an abortion if she became pregnant. It's a bit too late for him to be trying to take control now, because it's ultimately your decision and he will be the father if you go ahead with the pregnancy whether he wants to be or not. And that means that legally he will have to take some financial responsibility if you choose to pursue it, even if he never sees the child.

WhatsTheBuzz · 08/12/2012 12:40

as if you would even consider doing that for anyone else...

Sarahjane305610 · 08/12/2012 12:58

noblegiraffe Thank you it's very true what you've just said if he never wanted to be a father we should never of had sex contraception or not actions have consequences , he is going to be a father regardless with his help or not just I would like my baby to have his last name but it won't happen cause I think the dad has to be there for the registration? Xx

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Cantbelieveitsnotbutter · 08/12/2012 13:07

Yes if i remember rightly the dad needs to be there to do that. You can have his surname as a middle name though - although I can't see why you'd want it in there if he doesn't want the baby. Forevers a long time

Sarahjane305610 · 08/12/2012 13:12

Aw does he , I know it sound silly cause he dosnt want to know but I find it hurtful having to tell my baby not only does his dad not want to know him/her but my baby dosnt carry his last name but I worse comes to worse ill have it as a middle name x

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Clouise1626 · 08/12/2012 13:15

If you honestly believe you could raise a child yourself without him then you do not need his permission to keep your own child. What you do need to consider is the fact that some men (not all) can just 'forget' they have a child and move on with their lives worry free. My sister has a gorgeous 15month old daughter and the babys dad has never seen his daughter once (despite living around the cornor) do whats best for you!

Sarahjane305610 · 08/12/2012 13:25

I believe I can raise this child on my own I have a lot of family support to help me, I know he might not be able to move on with his life knowing he has a child and live normally but what bout me if I had an abortion I wouldn't forget or live my life the same and move on , my baby daddy only lives few blocks away from me aswell and I doubt he'd come and see it x

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DontmindifIdo · 08/12/2012 13:52

Well, it looks like decision made then. Good luck and congratulations.

glossyflower · 08/12/2012 21:50

You do what you want to. He should respect your decision whether he likes it or not.
Also I was of the understanding the father does not have to be there when registering birth, you can name your baby whatever you like.
My mother gave me my biological fathers name at registration but he wasn't there as he wasn't interested.
Although I wouldn't want to put his name in if he felt that way, doesn't mean to say you can't tell your child about its dad, I preferred to have the same name as my mum growing up. Xxx

Sarahjane305610 · 08/12/2012 21:56

Yeah I'm gonna have to grow some balls and put it to him point blank weather you like it or not I am looking after and taking care of this child that was a consequence to our actions you do you and ill raise our child ha ... Yeah I bin hearing lost about baby's last name some say the father has to be there for the last name but as you know your mam didn't have your father there , even though my baby daddy is a jerk off I would still like my baby to have his last name if I can't do that cause he not interested it'll be a middle name xxx

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llamallama · 08/12/2012 22:03

Why would you want your baby to have his name though?

Give baby your name as you start your family together, you and baby as a little family of two. It will make life a lot easier for both of you as your baby grows up that you have the same surname.

TheSecondComing · 08/12/2012 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontmindifIdo · 08/12/2012 22:39

oh, I'd give the baby your name TBH, it sounds like this man won't be part of your lives, makes it easier this way.

Sarahjane305610 · 08/12/2012 22:43

Yeah it would be less drama plus I have bigger things to worry about than him x

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goralka · 08/12/2012 22:43

I wouldn't give a mans name to someone he wanted aborted. Just saying.
good luck op

ChippingInAWinterWonderland · 08/12/2012 22:51

There's no way I'd give a child a surname or middle name of a guy who wanted him aborted. Give your child your name, you will be the parent, you will be a strong determining factor how not having a bio father in their life affects your child - if you don't make it a big deal, it wont be.

I am worried about you though - you sound very frantic - do you have anyone in real life you can talk to?

Sarahjane305610 · 08/12/2012 22:56

I'm am feeling a little frantic I think I'm still in shock over the whole thing to be honest but after talking to all these people and getting advice and some girls going through the same has actually helped me a lot and I'm feeling more positive that it's gonna be me and MY baby no one else I have family for support but my mam is a big time worry as al parents which I will find out I've told her bout how he wants to abort it but no initial advice so I thought I'd ask others in same situation x

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xmasevebundle · 08/12/2012 23:23

I think you can give the baby his last name if hes not present, he just cant be named as a father unless hes there.

Hes sounds like an arse! Do much better alone, exp did it to me abort it etc. Im now 38weeks and very happy.

The baby will have my last name as the only thing the dad has gave me was amazing little life, apart from that pfft! [grim]

Sarahjane305610 · 08/12/2012 23:34

Men are total jerk offs any who , us woman were ment to have babies cause were strong if it were left to men we'd be extinct by now I hear that the baby can have fathers last name but ill cross that bridge when I get to it , congratulations to you x

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