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DESPERATE :(

(17 Posts)
Jakeyblueblue Wed 05-Dec-12 21:29:00

I can see what a difficult predicament you are in sad
If it was me, I'd do a DNA test on the sly and then deal with it once I'd got the results. In sure loads of people will disagree with me but I think it sounds like you have both been through enough already and you both deserve a bit of happiness.
It's not like you've cheated, you had a really shit time and made a mistake and I don't think it's necessary to stir up a load more unrest unless you really need to. I also think its unlikely to be the other guys anyway. I know nothing about your dh but I'm not sure you could recover from this if you come clean now, even if it turns out to be his kid.
Do the test on the sly, if its his, forget it, move on and enjoy your family. Sounds like you deserve it. If its not his then you have to come clean, however difficult.
Anyway, that's just me. You must do what's best for you and the little man.
Good luck smile

MEEPMEEP1989 Wed 05-Dec-12 19:36:30

No, he hasnt asked because he doesnt think he is if you get me? XX

RileyTheLittleMonster Wed 05-Dec-12 19:17:08

If you've told him but then said dates add up, just say you want to make sure and have a test done.. if he hasnt asked for one maybe he thinks he is the dad. X

Bunnychan Wed 05-Dec-12 18:57:24

Can I just say, my dad fathered a daughter with a girlfriend just weeks before meeting my mom. Fast forward 18months and I was conceived. The other daughter was raised by the ex and her ex husband as they got back together and my dad had nothing to do with her. 27 years later, the other daughter found out and made contact with my dad. I now have a new sister but it nearly tore my family apart. I know it's slightly different, but IMO, it would be best to find out the truth and be honest- it only gets worse as time goes on x

MEEPMEEP1989 Wed 05-Dec-12 18:22:53

The guy knows I'm pregnant but as far as he's concerned, my OH is the father.
Its a bit complicated my reasons for not telling him. I did originally but I then said my dates were wrong and my OH was the father. Its quite a sensitive subject but things came to light about him that seriously made me worry about the implications on my child should he be the father. Without going into too much detail as I find it quite upsetting, even if this situation wasn't how it is and I was single, if it was the other guy that was the father of my boy, I would worry for the safety of my child should he have contact with him. We're no longer in contact in any way.

MEEPMEEP1989 Wed 05-Dec-12 18:17:39

I reposted it because it came up that my threads weren't there. I know they're on now and I dunno if I can delete them. It wasnt intentional, it just kept coming up that they'd been taken off.

I really don't mean to sound like the thread police but why do you keep posting the same thing word for word?

Last week's thread with same OP www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy/1623932-Due-soon-please-help-Im-so-scared

And another today: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_postnatal_depression/1629426-Really-need-some-help-and-advice

You may find it easier and more useful to keep it all to one thread.

cuppateaandagingersnap Wed 05-Dec-12 17:36:42

I think they reckon about 1 in 10 people don't have the father they think they do! In all honesty the chance of it being this other guys is slim, but I guess if its a possibility you need to decide if you can live with not coming clean and any possible complications in the future - blood typing or illness may make it an issue I suppose and it would be much worse if it came out in that situation. Does the guy you slept with know you and know you're pregnant, would he make an issue of it? What about any other friends you told? Hate to mention it but STI's?
Really really difficult at this stage as the event could happen any day and he might still be too raw if you tell him now. Would it be better to wait until they've had a chance to bond?
You know him best, how do you think he'd react? Is he a fly off the handle/sulker or coper?
Sorry cant be much help but sometimes useful to play through the possibilities, much love though, xx

RooibosWithMilk Wed 05-Dec-12 17:26:35

Hi OP. Sounds like a horrible situation for you. But from what you say it sounds like your OH is close and understanding - I know that if it were me I would not be able to feel peaceful about it until I had told him. It will be a really difficult thing to do - but the longer you leave it, the more difficult it will get. I think that if you don't talk to him about it now it will just get worse as your child gets older and you're still not sure. As Apples says, you were not with OH at the time and although it may be a big shock to him I expect he'd prefer to find out now rather than several years on.

maximusminimus Wed 05-Dec-12 17:22:15

You can either:

1) Say and do nothing, and never know for sure.

2) Do a DNA test on the sly and then either confess if it's bad news, or forget about it if not.

3) Tell your husband and do the DNA test with him knowing.

Personally I think you need to know. Medically, there could be important things to be aware of and you don't want to give doctors incorrect information about family history if you can help it.

I also think that the truth will eventually out itself. This is a huge huge secret to carry for the rest of your life: every birthday, every anniversary, every milestone reached by your child will be overshadowed by it.

It sounds like you want to know too, so the question is whether you tell your husband or not. Do you think he would stand by you?

I know this wont help but I got pregnant he first time I slept with my DH.

I would personally have to say something, you weren't together at the time so it's not like you cheated on him. You really owe it to you Dh and your baby to be honest. Also please be careful when it comes to DNA tests as I think there are Internet based ones which

MEEPMEEP1989 Wed 05-Dec-12 16:48:31

I know, I mean, we only slept together once and people try for months to conceive and dont straight away. Not sure if i'm just trying to convince myself. :/

RileyTheLittleMonster Wed 05-Dec-12 16:10:37

Can you not tell him and do a DNA test? I know it won't be easy but in a way he has the right to know... if you only had sex with the other man once i personally think there is a little chance of baby being his. But don't listen to me.

its not your fault and your not a useless wife, you wasn't with him when you slept with the other man so you have done nothing wrong. x

MEEPMEEP1989 Wed 05-Dec-12 12:01:27

Hey,
That's the thing, there's no racial difference and aside from hair colour (my OH is brunette and the other guy is quite fair), they dont look too unsimilar. Same colour eyes and everything so I dont know if Ill be able to even tell? Im dreading seeing him though for some reason and its making me feel dreadful.

I really dont know what to do. My OH is so happy hes going to be a Daddy and I feel like Im taking another child away from him. I dont know what to do sad

My dates are too close together. I slept with the guy once but havent kept track of how often me and my OH slept together. I know it will of been in that time frame though.

I know this is all my fault and I dont know where to turn. I just want what's best for everyone and Im so confused that I dont even know what that is. I feel like Im going to be a horrible mother and Im a let down as a wife.

xxxx

suzyrut Wed 05-Dec-12 11:49:51

Hi OP,

What a horrible situation to be in, this is supposed to be the happiest time of your life and you must be so worried. I've no doubt that the hormones are making it worse and that you must be in a spiral of worrying.

I'm not sure what advice I could give and without knowing exact dates it's hard to tell how much of a risk you're at. Was it was literally within days that you slept (unprotectd) with your dh and the other man, if it's any further apart than this then you should be able to make a reasonably informed judgement based on your EDD from your 12 weeks scan?

It doesn't sound to me like your midwife provided you with a reasonable way of being able to make a judgement unless there was a clear racial difference between the two potential fathers. Neither of my two previous children looked anything like either of us or much like each other when they were born!

If your dates don't provide much clarity and if you want to be sure the only way that you'd be able to tell with 100% certaintly would be a dna test post birth I'm not sure about the legality of doing this without consent from your dh if you really didn't want to tell him.

Sorry I'm pretty sure this isn't going to be much help but didn't want to just read and run. Take care xx

MEEPMEEP1989 Wed 05-Dec-12 11:11:59

Hi,
I'm in a very difficult position at the moment and I'm not sure where to turn or what to do.
I'm due to give birth very soon to a little boy and I'm not 100% sure about who his father is.

It's a slightly complicated situation Im in, so, please bear with me. I have been with my husband for three years and we TTC many times resulting in several miscarriages and a stillbirth. Before I found out I was pregnant, we seperated as everything just seemed to of took its toll on us both and I needed some space to grieve and so did my husband. It was a very hard time and during our separation, I stupidly met someone else and slept with him.

Anyway, forward a week or two, me and my OH had some serious talking to do and we decided to get back together. We love one another and blaming each other and taking it out on each other about what had happened was wrong of us both and we knew we really needed each other. A week or so later, I missed my period. I was so elated and ran off to buy a test. It came back positive, I told my OH and we were absolutely over the moon. We had our twelve week scan and it was real;ly only then that this sudden , horrible realization sunk in that in fact, this wonderful little baby may not in fact be my OH.

Now, Im so close to giving birth (gone slightly over due) and Im petrified. I've never told him this possibility because of all what had happened before. I could never find the words or bring myself to tell him. All I wanted was to have a family with my husband and I'm so scared I know how wrong I've been and I've dealt with it the wrong way. He's so happy and he'd be the worlds best Dad.
I'm so scared of giving birth to my little boy and seeing him in case I dont see any of my OH in him. Its like I dont want to meet my baby which is a horrendous feeling.
I really feel at a loss. I don't know where to turn. My OH is my best friend and he's the one person I cant talk to about this. I've discussed it with my midwife but she just said ''Ill just know'' when the babys born which wasnt much help really.

I feel like I've right royally messed everything up. I wish we'd never broken up and I'd been so bloody stupid but obviously there's nothing I can do about that now. What's done is done. I just don't want to break my OH heart and I feel that no matter WHAT I do, I'm going to hurt him. I want what's best for my family and right now, I dont know what that is. I feel like Im a terrible wife and Im going to be a horrible Mother and my little boy deserves better than this

I'm not sure if the pregnancy hormones are making everything seem a lot worse and making it harder to think straight about everything.

Please, Im not looking for criticism. I already beat myself up enough about the whole thing as it is, believe me. I just need some help and advice. All I wanted was a baby and a family with my OH and now the little guy is nearly here, Im dreading it when I should be so so happy that Im going to be a Mummy

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