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Pregnant and really don't think I can do this.

(42 Posts)
OhThePlacesYoullGo Sun 02-Dec-12 13:32:07

Having taken five pregnancy tests over the last three days, it is slowly starting to sink in that this is actually happening. This is not a planned pregnancy and I am scared out of my mind. I am only 23, in the first year of my doctorate and this is just not how things were meant to happen. I am in a relationship, but he is also still studying and has another year left before finishing med school. We only started dating a few months ago. I just don't know what to do. I haven't told anyone (including him) and have not stopped crying since finding out I am definitely pregnant. We always used protection. Always. I can't afford a baby, I have no idea how I could continue studying/working if I had a baby, I don't know how to take care of a baby, I have no family, none of my friends have children, I live in a flat share, ... I never thought this would happen to me.

I know I need to tell him and go to the GP, but I just can't. That would make it real and I can't do this. I am so scared.

Could someone please tell me it'll be ok? That I will magically figure out how to handle this. That my life isn't over. That I would not be a terrible mother.

RileyTheLittleMonster Wed 05-Dec-12 19:25:40

Here** bad spelling blush

RileyTheLittleMonster Wed 05-Dec-12 19:24:29

OhThePlacesYoullGo I am and it scared me but I know we will be sorted by the time our little siddy is hear smile

Good luck to you and your boyfriend and congratulations on your pregnancy grin

OhThePlacesYoullGo Wed 05-Dec-12 18:55:01

RileyTheLittleMonster, sounds like you are going through a pretty tough time at the moment. Hope everything works out for the two of you as well!!!

Jenda I am starting to think of it that way. Think it has just been a bit of a shock and I got myself worked up by not talking to boyfriend and letting myself dwell on all sorts of worst case scenarios, which as boyfriend pointed out is quite ironic given what I do for a living. Also he is awesome, you are right. smile

ItsMyLastOne good luck with baby number 2!!!

ItsMyLastOne Wed 05-Dec-12 13:22:45

I'm glad to hear things are more positive now, and that your boyfriend is so supportive.

I know I told you my sister's story up there ^ but I also fell pregnant (a week after she did!) and it was a total shock. I was also 23, but DP and I had been together for just over 2 years and engaged for 3 months. I felt far too young to have a child, and had so much planned in terms of study and career. I was also convinced he wouldn't want the baby. We'd never discussed children, but mainly because I was told I was infertile so it just wasn't on our radar at that stage. I was so shocked that he was so excited, and waited, ooh, about 5 minutes before telling family! wink I would never have planned it like this, but we now have an amazing toddler and I'm 2 days overdue with our second child.

Sometimes things don't work out how you expected, but it can be a blessing, even if it does feel terrifying at first. FWIW, I still feel terrified, even now, at the idea of being a mum, let alone a mum of two! shock

Jenda Wed 05-Dec-12 00:23:34

Just wanted to say good luck. Also that when you mentioned your boyfriend staying with that lady in labour it made me cry a little bit (im pathetic) because what a kind and lovely man your baby will have for a daddy! You will be fine. You have a supportive partner and are clearly a clever girl. Im the same age as you, no kids yet
and I would feel the same as you,except for im in a doss job instead of doing a doctorate. Everyone says there is not really ever a good time to have kids,you will just managed. You will still get your career you might just have a little baby pitstop on the way! Also as someone said,you will meet lots of other mums through baby. Get yourself involved in as much as possible so you don't feel isolated.

Hope all goes well with the drs, let us know!

RileyTheLittleMonster Tue 04-Dec-12 23:48:37

ohthe I was going to answer when you first wrote this post, but i thoughy I'd let the wiser woman answer first!

You'll get through it if your in it together I wish you all the luck possible!!

I'm 18, in the 1st year of college doing health and social care, boyfriend just been fired due to illness and I'm 8stone and still loosing weight... lost two babies this year, real bad situation!!

But I think if you believe In each other you can get through any situation grin

If youve missed three period are you not 12 weeks instead of 5?

Best of luck to you!!

OhThePlacesYoullGo Tue 04-Dec-12 23:03:28

newby2 boyfriend and I have also been together for five months!

CheerfulYank, like the story about your parents. Have not yet met boyfriend's parents (they are constantly abroad), so our first encounter will be us having to tell them that I am pregnant. Hope they don't completely hate me.

CheerfulYank Tue 04-Dec-12 14:36:49

Oh and I like Tummy Bug Surname...we almost named DS We-Don't-Understand-How-Ovulation-Works Surname. wink

CheerfulYank Tue 04-Dec-12 14:36:00

It's ok to not be sure! I wasn't sure until DS was about 4 months old. smile Sometimes I still have those moments, where he'll say "Mama?" and I'll think, "who, me?"

I used to think it was because we didn't plan for him, but this baby I'm carrying now was very planned and I still feel a bit unsure sometimes...how I will cope with two, what if I don't have enough attention, etc. I think it's just normal to not feel ready no matter what!

When I found out I was pregnant with DS I called DH crying (he was staying overnight at his parents' after hunting with his brother) and asking him to come home. He said "I can't, I'm too drunk to drive!" hmm I remember thinking "well THIS is a lovely beginning..." He was terrified for about a day and a half but has been nothing but a completely enthusiastic dad since then. He and DS are very close and it makes me love him even more.

My parents were a bit unsure at first (they started having kids in their teens and were only in their 40's when I got pregnant), felt too young themselves, all of that. But they have been completely over the moon for DS since the second he was born and now all they can say is how lucky they are to be young grandparents and have so much time with him. smile

I was worried about having no mom friends too. My best friend still doesn't have kids actually! But it was really kind of nice. I made friends with kids through baby and toddler groups, and then also had my friends without kids to talk about non-kid stuff, go out for drinks etc.

I would suggest to not be afraid to ask for help, if you're feeling ill or depressed or overwhelmed at any point. It's perfectly normal! It can be hard to do (at least it was for me!) but ask for help and keep asking until someone listens. And trust yourself. smile Those are the things I remember most.

newby2 Tue 04-Dec-12 14:25:49

Hiya, I've been following with baited breath and so relieved for you. My partner and I were together 5 months and BINGO pregnant. Luckily both settled in jobs but not in houses.

Four years later still together expecting 2nd child and have grown together and learnt about each other through having a baby and wish we'd met and started earlier!

People always say this but it's so true- babies need so little for the first year at least that you will be fine where-ever you are. I have a busy career and life has changed so much for both of us. It can work. Well done you.xxx

OhThePlacesYoullGo Tue 04-Dec-12 12:56:53

It's so nice to hear how things turned around for those of you who were in a similar situation. CheerfulYank, I know it's silly, but at the moment I am still not all that positive and the thought that I would possibly end up not loving this baby is really scary, so thank you for telling me about your son.

On another note my boyfriend has suggested we name the child Tummy Bug Surname, as that's what I kept telling him was wrong with me. Think it has a nice ring to it...

MrsHoarder Tue 04-Dec-12 07:14:58

I was 25 and doing a post grad degree when I discovered I was pregnant. The course administrator (who runs the department) was one of the first people I told, she helped me work out a plan for when to stop, where to get financial help and how my studies would start again.

There is help, you will be able to do it and your life will still be good even if you aren't on the original plan completely.

ohfunnyface Tue 04-Dec-12 07:07:39

Oh I'm so pleased you're feeling happier and he is supporting you!

Another one here with an unplanned pregnancy- I'm 27 and it was five days after being promoted- terrible timing!

27 weeks now and couldn't be happier. It's just taken me a while to get my head round it all.

CheerfulYank Tue 04-Dec-12 06:42:32

Aw, darlin'. It is hard! I was 24 and married (for about three weeks) when I unexpectedly got pregnant. I remember walking to the shop to get the test and whispering "please no, please no, please no!" under my breath.

My DH and I were terrified, we hadn't even thought of having kids for a few years! Now our son is five (I can't believe how fast the time has gone) and he is, quite simply, my entire heart. I can't tell you how much we love him. DH is an incredible dad despite not being ready and having no experience, and we are expecting number 2 in May. smile

Thinking of you! It can be quite scary.

OhThePlacesYoullGo Mon 03-Dec-12 20:37:48

Thanks ICompletelyKnowAboutGuineaPigs. smile

ICompletelyKnowAboutGuineaPigs Mon 03-Dec-12 20:33:32

The 'D' is for darling or dearest. I still struggle with some of the abbreviations. Especially DP because it always sounds really rude to me blush

There is a list of acronyms here

OhThePlacesYoullGo Mon 03-Dec-12 17:40:44

Seeing GP tomorrow, but my specialist saw me after work today (am currently on placement in the same department where I am also a patient, suddenly quite convenient) and has referred to me to obstetrician. So now two people know. I still feel like I'll wake up any minute and it was all just a bad dream, though boyfriend seems positively excited now. He also seems to think we'll be great at this, which is reassuring though I am still not entirely convinced.

Again thank you to all of you for your lovely messages. Think if I hadn't posted on here I would have spent another week catastrophising and pretending that I really believed that I am throwing up constantly and feeling shoddy because I have a bad cold.

June, I have no idea either. I struggle to understand some of the abbreviations used on here too. Have figured out that p is partner and c is child, etc but was does the d in front stand for?

Jojoba1986, I will find that thread, thank you.

LordOfThe5Rings Mon 03-Dec-12 13:40:38

Congratulations on your baby and on how your partner reacted, so glad that he is being supportive in this process.

Definately a trip the GP sounds like a good idea. If you are 3 months, you'll be due a scan to see how the baby is getting on soon, which is exciting too and although it'll feel more real, it'll help you adjust to the idea I am sure.

I wish you both the best of luck.

Congratulations! Your dp sounds grand and that support makes all the difference. Hope everything goes well with the rest of your pg x

june2013 Mon 03-Dec-12 13:17:47

Hi there -

I really sympathise with how you're feeling... when I was 24 I fell pregnant by accident. I was in a relationship and had kind of always thought that now that I was this age, had a job and a decent life (ya ha!), I should 'take my responsibilities' when I got pregnant and would just go ahead with it. When I found out I was pregnant, I knew about 80% that I didn't want to be pregnant. Suddenly I felt so young and incapable of going through with this. My partner at the time didn't want me to terminate the pregnancy, but I couldn't keep it. I terminated at about 6 weeks. And I got over it pretty quickly. It's not a nice experience but I have never looked back, wondered, stressed about. That's not to say that other women haven't had a much harder time of terminations, this is just my experience.

Fast forward 7 years and I am now married (to a different guy) and I am pregnant. It was planned and I am very happy, so a completely different scenario. I had no trouble conceiving (so the termination didn't affect anything down there - unlike many people told me it would, a lie clearly!). I am in the first year of my doctorate and my husband is a medic student too. There is a lot in place to support students with children and particularly medics, surprisingly! (at our uni, if you get NHS grant, you get 85% of childcare costs covered)... as a doctoral student I get good amount of time off and if you have a grant there might be some maternity pay included. Also there was a thread recently about having a baby during a PhD which I thought was really helpful!

Anyway - it sounds like you have figured some things out, which is great news. I hope all goes well and if you want to exchange more ideas, do get in touch (I don't know how MN works very well - I think there's a way we can send private messages to each other. If you figure out how to do this, do get in touch!).

All the best!!
x

SoHHKB Mon 03-Dec-12 09:30:22

SO glad to hear you're feeling positive - all the best smile

ICompletelyKnowAboutGuineaPigs Sun 02-Dec-12 22:49:30

Glad you're feeling a bit less uneasy about everything now OP. You've already received some fab advice but thought I'd share my experience too.

I had my DS (COMPLETELY unplanned) when I was 22, I had him during my first yr of uni and I had only known his dad for 3 months ish and we were careful too. He didn't want to know at first but has since become involved and has DS one night and one day a week. I then had a planned DD with my current partner during my masters and I'm pregnant now (planned DC3) whilst doing my PhD.

Just wanted to let you know that with some organisation and support (from the Uni especially) it is absolutely possible to finish your studies whilst having children.

Glad your BF is being supportive, such a great start. Hope you both keep remaining positive. Congratulations - babies are great!

Jojoba1986 Sun 02-Dec-12 22:45:46

I'm so pleased he's being supportive! He sounds like he's a lovely bloke!

If you've not had a period for 3 months are you assuming they're all due to the pregnancy? That would put you at about the same stage as me. If you work out you're due in late May/early June then do pop onto the 'Broadly Gemini' thread in the antenatal support group topic. You'll find a lot of support there, including first timers, more experienced mums & our very own resident midwife! If you're due at another time then do join the relevant thread, it's so nice to have others at the same stage as you! smile

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sun 02-Dec-12 22:37:13

So glad you're feeling more positive about it all. And congratulations! grin

OhThePlacesYoullGo Sun 02-Dec-12 22:26:10

I told boyfriend. At first he said nothing and just looked completely shocked, I started crying yet again and he asked me what I wanted to do. When I told him that I want to continue the pregnancy he just held me and said that we'll figure it out. It's not great timing, but if we can do this together, then maybe everything will be ok.

Thank you to all of you for replying and to those who shared their own stories. It made me finally get up the nerve to start thinking about things a bit more rationally.

So the plan for this week is to see GP asap; worried now as technically it is a high risk pregnancy due to medical condition and I should have been prescribed quite large amounts of folic acid even prior to becoming pregnant.

Will also speak to uni and supervisor about options (thanks MrsAmaretto for telling me about your sister's friend). Boyfriend thinks that I would definitely be entitled to maternity pay as even though I am still training, I am an NHS employee.

I still can't believe we are doing this, but knowing that I will not be alone, let's me almost get just a little bit happy and excited. THANK YOU!

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