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My honest view of recurrent miscarriages...

(43 Posts)
StickyWiggler Fri 23-Nov-12 14:04:07

I am writing this as when I first miscarried I didn't realise the lasting emotional impact it would have and how guilty I would feel about my feelings. 5 mcs later, all at different stages (All either late 1st or 2nd trimester), I came to realise that it is ok to feel some of these things and wanted to write this in case any other women out there feel like I did/do maybe it gives them some comfort.

The first few times time I MC I was determined to see my self as unlucky, I saw forum pages on here and elsewhere and didn't want to join 'that' band of women, I didn't want to be one of those who struggled to keep my babies inside me when everyone else thrived, I didn't want to be in that 'club' and avoided all such support. I refused to look at Miscarriage support threads and pages. I refused to discuss whether there was a reason because that would be accepting I had a problem.

I went through stages of blaming myself and blaming my DH, I was furious if people tried to speak to me about the MCs but at the same time felt hurt and abandoned if they didn't talk to me about it. I felt like a failure as a woman. coming from a farming family which 'breeds' children easily made it no easier, everyone else succeeded where I failed, I remember thinking about the poor cow who would not take with calf and therefore deemed useless and sent to market, thats how I felt. I felt like as a failure as a wife, a mother, a daughter.

I was terribly upset when my DS and DSil's all feel pregnant, I was pleased for them, but so sad for me and DH. sometimes I thought (and i know this awful) that if they would lose a child then I wouldn't be the only one who this happened too and who people looked on in pity, I didn't want to be people's focus anymore. I hated myself for this thought ever entering my mind. Then I began to think in another way, maybe I was losing these babies so it meant others didn't have to, someone has to have MCs right? Well if it was me taking the fall then others would be ok (i think I'd lost it a bit by this point!).

Each time I lost a baby I thought I should give my body a break but emotionally I couldn't and was determined we started trying again straight away, ignoring medical advice and practically pinning my poor DH down. I was a woman obsessed. Sex wasn't about love it was about conception.

I was ashamed and embarrassed of my losses and my failures.

Apart from DH though I think I carried a very 'brave' face on it, people who knew commented on how 'strong' I was, inside I was in torment. Then I would see/ speak to others who were going through this and think how well they coped, and thought I must be weak. In truth they probably were just as upset inside as I was.

I now have a healthy, beautiful DD and I think it is only now I have started to come to terms with all those feelings and anxieties. Been thinking about it alot today I just wanted somewhere to put this down, felt I needed to share, not sure why.....

AlphaBeta82 Fri 23-Nov-12 14:21:35

Hi Sticky,
didn't want to read and run as understand how hard these things can be and this is obviously a very emotive post for you.
After 3mcs I can emphasise with a lot of what you say, have you thought about counselling at any point, even with a healthy pregnancy may be unresolved issues to deal with, it is a traumatic set of experiences to go through!
Congratulations on your DD.x

cupcake78 Fri 23-Nov-12 14:49:15

I think you have put it very well. I remember having all those thoughts including the statistically I must be mc for others to be ok. The feeling of not being a real woman or rather having a proper purpose until I could have a baby. I now see it as silly but can still understand why it was like this.

I went on to have a ds but it has taken me 6+yrs to begin to gather my thoughts and cope with the MCs I had. Also 1st and 2nd trimester.

This has been done by lots of thinking, counselling and many tears.

Thinking about these things is very normal and necessary.

whiterose2011 Fri 23-Nov-12 16:52:08

Hi Sticky

Reading your post is like listening to my own mind. I've experienced many of the things that you talk about after my mc. My step SIL had a baby yesterday and I've gone through a range of emotions in the last 48 hours. I'm delighted for them as she tried to conceive for 2 years and then when she finally did fall pregnant, she had a stillborn which was just devastating.

But after talking to my Dad today, I practically had to pick myself up off the floor. No one knows about my mc apart from DH and my manager due to the time off work I needed (and my FIL as he is a Doctor) which is how we wanted it but sometimes I think it would have been easier to tell as all I hear from my family is babies, babies, babies. My sister is pregnant and due early next year so I'm just trying to get myself through the next few months.

I keep apologising to my manager when I have a lack of focus at work and he keeps saying that I'm coping amazingly. Like you, I often feel like I'm falling apart inside. Maybe we are stronger than we think we are. I am having counselling and am finding it helpful as she said everything I am experiencing is totally normal. It's such a shit time but you are not alone. I've found this forum really helpful to share how I'm feeling and reading about other people's experiences. Big hugs to you xxx

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Sat 24-Nov-12 16:55:46

Sticky, thanks for your brave post. I've had 5 MMC and, after a break of 18 months I think we are going to try again.

Actually, reading your post was terribly hard for me. It reminded me of all the feelings I had while we were on our relentless pursuit of having a baby. I've buried my head in the sand about trying again and thought it would be fine but I'm filled with dread at the likelihood of going through it again.

I'm also reminded of all the horrid feeling I had over other people's pregnancies - envy and the horrible wish for them to miscarry too so they would understand how devastating it is.

I have a public role which means I have to portray total control and professionalism at all times. It meant that I became, not ashamed of miscarrying, but ashamed of grieving so heavily, when everyone around me expected me to just carry on regardless and cope.
In the last 18 months I have changed my life entirely. I've moved countries and have so much less stress, I'm hoping maybe this will help?

Sticky, Whiterose and Cupcake, Thanks for understanding.

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Sat 24-Nov-12 16:57:03

Sorry, missed out Alpha.

AlphaBeta82 Sat 24-Nov-12 19:43:06

Oh accidental I understand your post so much, I'm now pregnant again and the fear, stress and pressure of hope is huge. I wish you all the luck with trying again.x

AlphaBeta82 Sat 24-Nov-12 19:43:09

Oh accidental I understand your post so much, I'm now pregnant again and the fear, stress and pressure of hope is huge. I wish you all the luck with trying again.x

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Sat 24-Nov-12 19:53:20

Thanks Alpha, congratulations on your pregnancy. The anxiety must be weighing heavily on you. It's such a hard situation to be in, holding so much fear and hope at the same time.
I struggled when people would be so joyful when I told them I was pregnant because they couldn't understand the fear that came with it.
I tried not bonding with some of my pregnancies to protect myself but I felt even sadder afterwards.
I'm keeping fingers and toes crossed for you.

I agree with everything you have said! I was 17 when I lost myfirst baby this year on April 6th baby boy at 23 weeks, and then i lost another baby at 7 weeks in August. I still sometimes blame myself for the loss of my baby boy- I just cant help it though. I always act strong even though im constantly heart broken!

5 loses- very sorry :-(, really hope you get a healthy full term baby one day! Never give up :-)

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Sat 24-Nov-12 22:00:33

Oh Riley, I'm so sorry. What a terrible year you've had. You must be heartbroken.
Outwardly I don't blame myself but secretly I harbour nagging doubts that it was my fault and that everyone else will think that way too, awful I know.

You will come to a place of acceptance and peace and it will get easier. I can say that with confidence because it has for me.

I have started to feel everything happens for a reason loosing my little boy Riley was without a doubt the hardest thing I will ever go through but it has given me the strength, guidance and motivation to follow my dream.. as weird as that sounds im in college and hopefully going to become a midwife and i defiantly wont give up til i get there :-).

I'm really sorry the hear about your five mc's theaccident, hope you have 100% better luck when you try again! Make sure you stay positive and don't worry

Traceymac2 Sat 24-Nov-12 22:37:06

I can relate to those feelings too. I had 5 miscarriages but am so lucky to have 3 lovely girls now. Since 2007 I have been pregnant 8 times. I thought I would never be a mother.

I felt jealousy and resentment towards another persons pregnancy, her baby was born a couple of days after my first baby should have been born. Of course she did nothing wrong. I was totally preoccupied with the desperate need to try again, and again. I was so focused on trying to find the cause and trying to prevent any more with a cocktail of drugs hoping something might help.

It was a very difficult time and not that many people knew what was going on, a few might have known about one or two but not the full extent of things as it is such a difficult subject to discuss. I felt l that it was a subject that would make people uncomfortable or they might be insensitive in their comments, (which my BIL was) so I put on a brave face even though I felt broken inside.

Now I have my babies I tried to rationalise what happened by telling myself that the miscarriages were my little girls trying to come to me, they just didn't make it on those pregnancies so had to wait a while longer to join us. It probably sounds a bit silly but it gives me comfort to think about it that way, it's harder to deal with any other way.

It seems so surreal now to think of that place that we were in. We had thought that we would have liked to have one more child at the outset of trying to create our family but I really don't want to go back there and possibly open the door to that heartache again. We are so lucky with the way things turned out when we once thought we might never have a family.

RileyLee, I am so sorry that you have lost your beautiful baby and gone on again to miscarry. It is only natural to blame yourself I think when you are looking for answers that you don't have. Your devastating losses are so recent too. Be kind to yourself, you have been through so much. I hope you get a lot of medical support for any future pregnancy. I had monitoring and drug support from the very start of my pregnancies. It really helped me to cope psychologically. I wish you all the very best.

steppemum Sat 24-Nov-12 22:42:37

Hi sticky, thank you for your post, I think expressing these things helps others in the same position.

I have had 4 mc, spread between my dcs. My first was before I had any dcs. I remember getting pregnant again, and just being scared the whole first 3 months that it wasn't going to last. I couldn't afford to engage emotionally in case it didn't last.

We were forced to tell some close friends that I was pregnant at one point (I didn't want to tell anyone) and one close friend was really excited for me and I just couldn't tell her that I didn't WANT her to be excited and enthusiastic, I wanted her to be low key until I was 'safe'

A few weeks later she got pregnant. Told the world straight away, was on top of the world planning it etc. I was so pleased for her, but I was so so sad as well. I just couldn't shake the feeling that it wasn't fair, she could enjoy her pregnancy in an totally innocent way, that wasn't available to me because I had this ghost sitting on my shoulder. I felt so mean, but I wanted her bubble to pop and for her to come down to real life.

I am so so lucky as I have 3 dcs now, but the rollercoaster through the mcs and pregnancies was heartbreaking.

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Sat 24-Nov-12 23:07:23

I felt like stamping my foot and saying 'it isn't fair' every time someone assumed their pregnancy would succeed, told everyone early or complained about how hard pregnancy was.

and when people told me that miscarriage was really common I felt like yelling at them that actually it's not common to be a recurrent miscarrier.

Tracey, i love hearing about people going on to have health babies, makes me feel happy and positive :-). Not trying again for a year or two, I get extra scans at 8, 12, 16, 20, 24 and swabs at 20 and 24 weeks. I have a higher risk if downsyndrome, early labour due to weak cervix and infection! So not looking forward to my next pregnancy even though i should.

Did they give you tests about why you kept miscarrying? If so do you know why?

They wont test ne until i have another

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Sat 24-Nov-12 23:25:11

They can't find any cause for me. It would be so much easier if they could, then even if it couldn't be treated I would at least know whether to stop trying. Now living in another country so tried for answers here and it seems I've had all the tests.

Traceymac2 Sat 24-Nov-12 23:33:21

Riley, I am glad to hear that you will get the extra monitoring but it is terrible that you would be made to wait for a third after the loss of your little boy. Did they not do any tests at all?

I had a battery of tests after my second. Only 50% of the time is any problem identified. I know the standard is three but my consultant didn't want to leave me to try again without ruling some causes out. I would press your gp on referring you for this, it is very cruel to leave you like this. The gp could do some tests in the surgery such as the ones for blood clotting disorders. If these showed anything you could start treatment at the start of your next pregnancy.

The only thing that was picked up with me was mild PCOS which threw my hormones out of balance and made my cycles very long so I took lots of drugs to try to sort this out plus a few others thrown in just incase. This is such an unknown area of medicine compared to many other problems.

Not knowing makes it worse, cant even imagine how you feel :-(. Sorry to hear, it will happen one day for you, you've just got to keep trying :-)

Traceymac2 Sat 24-Nov-12 23:39:25

TheAccidentalExhibitionist, my obs/gynae dr gave up on me after the tests came back clear and I miscarried again. I asked to be referred privately to a fertility clinic for a review and they did some less common tests. They decided to control my cycle with drugs, I also took heparin and various others just incase they might help. The only thing I didn't try was steroids, that would have been next if my last pregnancy miscarried.

Atleast you found something tracey... they offered to so a postmortem on Riley we said no, couldnt if let them do anythig to hin. plus we new is was due to an infection which could of killed me and a suspected weak cervix... and they checked my blood clot which was fine, that's all they gave me.

Fingers crossed for all three of us in the future!!

Traceymac2 Sat 24-Nov-12 23:47:38

I can't even begin to imagine how hard that must have been for you to cope with. Will they give you a cervical stitch at 12 weeks on your next pregnancy?

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Sat 24-Nov-12 23:54:40

Thanks Traceymac2 I've often wondered about whether private clinics could do more. I think I've missed my chance now though as I live abroad.

The very best of luck to you RileyLeeHargreaves2012. As awful as it sounds, do you get some reassurance knowing it was an infection and a weak cervix? It sounds like you have a good chance with following pregnancies..

They give me scans at 12, 16, 20 & 24 seals to watch my cervix, if they think I need one then they will give me one. For infection i get swabs at 20 & 24 weeks. And an early scan for my early mc. It still does't reasure me!

They said it could happen to me again which is what puts me on edge!

Private clinics will treat you better most likely and will have more knowledge and equipment :-).

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