Pregnant and not sure i want to be....need some help PLEASE!

[tobe1]

So now I?m 12 weeks? as soon as i found out i was pregnant i was in agony? it just wasn?t what i planned for myself? i also knew an abortion would be hard for me. Now i?m nowhere nearer a decision? its killing me? ive tried everything? counselling? meditation? reiki?long long walks? talking to death about it with lots of people? score cards? gain loss analysis!?.

I?m 27, I?m not married but have been with my partner 2 years. He is being really supportive. He desperately wants to keep it and thats making the decision harder.

I find myself today? knowing that i can support a child.. and even seeing some positivity towards the idea of starting a family? but there is also such a massive part of me that just doesn?t want it (internally screaming at the idea) and can?t accept it?i keep booking appointments at the centre and can never go through with them? just part of me can?t do it? especially when i know it would break my partner so much. However, as soon as the appointment time has gone and I have failed to go again (ive booked at least 4 times now)?i hate myself for not being brave enough to go through with it? so i go home and cry some more and sugger from my lack of indecision?

someone please help me shed some light!!!!!

xxx

[gobbledegoop]

If you can support a child, are in a loving and stable relationship and your partner is happy about it, what is your reason for not wanting the baby?

[MummyBerryJuice]

Oh dear . I really can't help but didn't want your post to go unanswered.

[lolajane2009]

I'd work out what I really wanted and follow my heart... i might sound sentimental but it is true.

[HannahWales]

Are you sure that deep down you don't want the baby? Missing the appointments makes me think there's a part of you that would like to have it.

If it's any consolation, I was worried about having my child, losing my independence, not being able to do what I wanted to etc but I have no regrets, having a child is just incredible. The love you feel, it awakens something primitive that is so hard to describe. Your life changes immeasurably but, in my experience, it is so worth it.

It can only be your decision though.

[MrClaypole]

tobe not sure from your post why you don't want to have the baby?

[mummybto3]

You won't regret having a child.... You may regret not having it. It's a big shock, I fell pregnant at 27, unplanned, and I was the first among my friends to have children, so it was scary. Now I'm pregnant with no.4 (at 36) and I'm so glad I started young and could have a larger family.. There's never a perfect time, it's always terrifying, but you'll be fine, and having a supportive partner means you're halfway there already. xx

[tobe1]

Thanks for the messages. Helpful.

I'm the first of many of my friends to become pregnant. For all of us it was a long way off in our minds.

I have many aspirations such as travelling, starting a new career, and to be honest I feel like I've only just started to like who I am and enjoy my life. I feel now robbed of these opportunities.

I know these all seem really selfish reasons. But I've only just started living my life for me rather than for others. And just so many dreams feel shattered.

There is of course a part of me that wants it. But I even tried looking at baby books etc to get excited and they just freak me out!

I don't want to resent the child. I just really wished I wanted it but its not the case.


X

[Finessa]

Hi tobe1. I really feel for you, you're in such a difficult place. How long have you known for? Are you still feeling sick?

I'm trying to work out where you are with your thinking...
It certainly sounds like you are not going to be able to go through with an abortion. The fact that you have put so much effort into deciding and yet say that you just couldn't go through with even attending the first appointment is your decision. Maybe I over-simplifying this, but I think if you were going to do it you would have gone along to one of the appointments, booked in and had it done by now.

Equally, though, you don't sound ready to accept the idea of keeping the baby yet either.

But you have a third option... of carrying the baby and considering adoption after he or she is born. Although you might not ultimately have
him or her adopted, it might be an easier idea to get your head around just now.

Of course your baby will be gorgeous and you might just have to keep him or her! And btw you can still enjoy your life with a child - maybe you would even enjoy it more, just in a different way.

One last thing - have you thought about going for an ultrasound? Or even just looking at "12 week ultrasound" videos on YouTube? I don't know if this would make your decision any easier but maybe it would become very clear, one way or the other.

[Finessa]

Also, if it helps, I was pregnant with my first child at 28, married and had struggled with 4 years of infertility, also the first of my friends... and I was still terrified! I was scared of what was happening to my body, things that could go wrong, how the baby would come out , whether I would cope, whether I would be a good mum etc. etc. And that was with a planned baby after a long wait. It took me a long time to come to terms with the idea of having a baby, even though I was completely ready for it, so I can only begin to imagine where you are with your thoughts.

I hope I have not tried to influence you too much one way or the other (ducks). Yes as pps have said it is entirely your decision. I know you have lists of pros and cons already so didn't want to just give you more pros and cons!

Good luck with whatever you decide, honestly. Let us know where you are with it if you feel able to share. x

[oneaminute]

What a lovely post Finessa. Tobe1 haven't got any more words of wisdom then above but take care and we're here for support.

[muffins]

Hi tobe

this is a bit embarrassing but I fell pregnant with my ds on holiday in the Caribbean after a night with someone from a country on the other side of the world...I was 22
I guess what I want to say is that it really doesn't need to be the end of your life/career etc. In 2009 I moved 260 miles away from 'home' for a new job which involved a post grad uni course! You have the support of a partner which is fantastic. I feel that I may not have taken the job opportunity had I not had ds, he gave me the confidence and reason to do it. Having a child does not mean end of career at all.
I guess I regret (bit of a strong word but can't think of a better one!) not being able to travel as I always wanted to work abroad but I don't regret it if that makes sense.
I was first of my friends but it didn't matter-they were a huge support :)

best of luck with your decision x

[differentnameforthis]

You won't regret having a child

Utter bollocks, sorry! YES you can! Look at the threads on here at the moment, I have seen at least 3 recently.

My mother regretted having me. he didn't want a third, but my father & her brothers told her that she wouldn't regret it. She did. Our relationship suffered & we haven't spoken in 18yrs.

By the same token, I had a termination 2yrs ago & don't regret it for a moment. I already had 2 children, so my family was complete!

but you'll be fine Why? Just because you were? You can't say that, and shouldn't say that!

OP, I am so sorry you are so uncertain. It is a hard place to be.

Your reasons aren't selfish, what would be selfish is bring a baby onto the world that you don't want. Your reasons are perfectly valid.

You have to do what YOU want to do. And I am afriad that none of us can decide for you.

It doesn't have to stop you achieving things, makes it harder sometimes, longer too...but most things are possible.

Good Luck!