Man trouble... Advice?

[Queenofthehill]

So am 32yo, 13 weeks today, due 19 May. This is my first pg. After initial shock (as v much unplanned) now getting excited! Physically feeling good, but plenty to contend with emotionally.

So in brief: pg unplanned, boyfriend now of 7 months freaked out initially (understandably, I guess), has now promised to be there financially practically to help (emotionally = not so much), doesn't know whether he wants to be together in the future, but for now wants to be 'free' so he has some 'control' back in his life. Great.

Am finding it so hard to know how to play this - on the one hand I do want to give him time, but on the other, should I just have more respect for me and our little one, and cut loose now? I feel rejected and a little like he has cut off his nose to spite his face, but I don't know how to deal with this. Advice, lovely MNers?

Good thing is I'm off on hol to Morocco today for two weeks (without him), so will give me time to think. Also have great mum and friends around. Does make me sad, though.

x

[gobbledegoop]

How was the relationship before you fell pregnant? Were you all loved up? If so, then give him time and hopefully he will come round if he is just a little freaked out.
If things weren't that great or were just ok, he may be feeling trapped by a reelationship that he didn't think was going to last anyway. If that's the case then you need to get rid because you and your baby deserve better

[Queenofthehill]

Thanks, gobbledegoop. Relationship was v new when I got pregnant - we don't live together, but were seeing each other lots. I felt loved up, but we hadn't really had the serious, where-is-this-going talk when this happened. I'd met and made friends with lots of his friends, everything seemed to be easy with us before the BFP.

When I found out I did consider abortion very seriously (which he wanted) and went to the clinic twice before I realised I really couldn't do it. He flipped at first, but has calmed down now at least, even if he is distant.

I am pretty much his first serious relationship (he's 31), he comes from a difficult family background (his dad died last year - alcoholic and drug abuser), which I think has affected the way he views relationships (plus, it now turns out that children were potentially never on his agenda at all ), his big love is music, which he spends all his free time doing (although he acknowledges he will change this when LO is born)... So he probably does feel trapped.

To be honest, I just don't know where he's at, at all. Maybe I should give him a bit longer.

[gobbledegoop]

Ok well seeing as things were good before, maybe give him a little longer. His back ground probably does affect the way he veiws family life but that also means that he doesn't know how good things could be in a happy family unit, without the drugs and alcohol.

I don't think you are being a mug in giving him some time to think after all, he is not just some bloke, he is your baby's dad and if you love him and think he is worth waiting for then that is what you must do.

Try to involve him by offering him the chance to come to scans etc and help you pick out things for the baby but he might not come round to a positive way of thinking until baby is born, if at all but at least you will know that you have tried your best for you and your baby.

If after your baby has been here for a little while he is still acting the same then you will definitely have to 'set him free' and find someone who will offer you and baby the love and commitment that you deserve.

[PaigeTurner]

I'm not in exactly the same situation as my baby's dad has always been just a friend, but I did go through what you're describing in the first few months, with him freaking out and what not.

I'd say 13 weeks is pretty early for a bloke to come to terms with this massive life change. It's good that he's offered to be there financially and practically though. That's a start.

I would give him a few more weeks - mine came to the 20 week scan, found out it was a boy and then was far more interested.

Just make sure you are clear on what you want - if you make out you don't want a relationship with him when really you do, you might feel cheated down the line if that's not on his agenda.